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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 23/04/2022 15:10

Yes my friend left her abusive husband, the night he tried choking her. She never looked back and is now very happily married to someone else.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:12

Stravaig · 23/04/2022 15:07

Hi OP, From what you say here, It sounds like you actually did notice all the wee negative signals of yours and his, at the time. Which is great. But you didn't pause and act on them at the time. Which is really bad. You need to stop being so invested in whether or not he likes you, and focus instead on whether you like what is happening, in every single moment, and act accordingly.

We're smiling at the cat-guardian anecdotes, but actually there's valuable truth there. You need to be your own guardian, your own ally, defending your own wellbeing, at every moment. Don't waver from that.

You asked him as he left how he thought the date went. Good question, but the far better question is asking yourself, throughout the date , 'how is this going for me?' Base your decisions on that.

I have bookmarked this

thank you for your wisdom ❤️
was i actually enjoying the constant calls and texts - probably not in hindsight - he was lovebombing and ensuring I was in his line of fire as soon as he got back to UK from holiday
did i enjoy our video calls - he said a few things that were a bit off but I chose not to believe them and I wanted him to like me and finally have something work out for me
did i actually enjoy his chat during the date - he picked me up flowers from tesco en route and arrived like a wrecking ball - very confident and arrogant and he was late

so really - i should have just ended the date went home and cut my losses

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 15:15

Stravaig · 23/04/2022 15:07

Hi OP, From what you say here, It sounds like you actually did notice all the wee negative signals of yours and his, at the time. Which is great. But you didn't pause and act on them at the time. Which is really bad. You need to stop being so invested in whether or not he likes you, and focus instead on whether you like what is happening, in every single moment, and act accordingly.

We're smiling at the cat-guardian anecdotes, but actually there's valuable truth there. You need to be your own guardian, your own ally, defending your own wellbeing, at every moment. Don't waver from that.

You asked him as he left how he thought the date went. Good question, but the far better question is asking yourself, throughout the date , 'how is this going for me?' Base your decisions on that.

This x 100000

HipsterMum · 23/04/2022 15:17

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:06

Can i just say a collective thank you to the posters here today
it really made me feel less alone in this situation and it has been good advice - even if it was not all what i wanted to hear 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Honestly these kind of things can happen whether you have sex on the first date or not. I've been best friends with one guy for 4 years before we even kissed and after 2 months of dating which felt more like him using me for the days when he was really bored he broke up with me over a text message! At least you learnt this lesson straightaway . All the best for the future! There are plenty of great guys out there.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:19

Penguinsaregreat · 23/04/2022 15:10

Yes my friend left her abusive husband, the night he tried choking her. She never looked back and is now very happily married to someone else.

Wow good for her; i am really not sure where this choking thing has come from

it is very frightening

i have never cried after a first date with a guy - i actually dont think the sex and choking was entirely to do it (although played a part obviously) i think it was just all the build up - then meeting him and being utterly deflated

maybe i continued with the sex because of all the build up and wanting to believe everything he has put on for the two or three weeks prior 😞

the choking for me is a no go and i wonder if me even saying anything was a flag for him that i wouldnt be some doll / bangmaid he would be able to manipulate for very long - although he did manage it for the night

he is originally not from here - i have met one other guy from his culture who was very very very similar - i dated him about six or eight weeks and he was utterly pornsick vile and he put on a very good act for a week or so. I know you cannor judge an entire nation from two guys though - but these two sexual expierences were scarily similar

OP posts:
Stravaig · 23/04/2022 15:20

Exactly, OP. You're noticing everything, you need to concentrate on believing yourself, and acting on what you don't like. Be your own cat guardian 🐈‍⬛❤️

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:22

Stravaig · 23/04/2022 15:20

Exactly, OP. You're noticing everything, you need to concentrate on believing yourself, and acting on what you don't like. Be your own cat guardian 🐈‍⬛❤️

🐈

OP posts:
apricotlane · 23/04/2022 15:29

@Monstera1111 Well porn is affecting everyone but some cultures didn't even have the fundamentals of respect for women before that (not saying we were good at it, but we had the concepts at least!!). Perhaps do not be so tolerant as to put yourself in danger. Sometimes judgements have to be made about culture. It's a tough old world out there and much as everyone wants to pretend we're all the same and if you discriminate in your choices you must be a bigot, I would put that aside for your own safety when it's appropriate.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:32

HipsterMum · 23/04/2022 15:17

Honestly these kind of things can happen whether you have sex on the first date or not. I've been best friends with one guy for 4 years before we even kissed and after 2 months of dating which felt more like him using me for the days when he was really bored he broke up with me over a text message! At least you learnt this lesson straightaway . All the best for the future! There are plenty of great guys out there.

Show quote history

Yep - i agree
i was seeing a guy once for about two months - similar to this I had known him for years. He was divorced for a couple of years and started dating

said he had always liked me. He also knew a really good friend from Uni from
school so I had background intel

first date - coffee; second date - hike, third date - amazing dinner out so much chemistry, fourth date, hike - loads of texting, video calls and chatting in between. A few other walks around our area - he stays up the road from me. Anyway I slept with him after about two months. Amazing night, amazing sex. The next day his messages changed. Here we fucking go 🙄🙄🙄🙄

i said nothing and we had arranged to meet up that weekend - he ghosted me for that meetup (he had never done that before)

i already knew what was happening

on the thursday he dumped me by text message - a very heavy message. I just texted back ‘i already knew that x, ❤️‘ and never heard from him again.

its so frustrating

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:35

apricotlane · 23/04/2022 15:29

@Monstera1111 Well porn is affecting everyone but some cultures didn't even have the fundamentals of respect for women before that (not saying we were good at it, but we had the concepts at least!!). Perhaps do not be so tolerant as to put yourself in danger. Sometimes judgements have to be made about culture. It's a tough old world out there and much as everyone wants to pretend we're all the same and if you discriminate in your choices you must be a bigot, I would put that aside for your own safety when it's appropriate.

I think you are right
i am far too forgiving and liberal
for what its worth both of these guys were italian - had done all their secondary education there and came over late twenties.

obviously not all italians men will be like that but the two i have had the misfortune of meeting have been rude, shallow, pornsick

OP posts:
MissChanandlerBong80 · 23/04/2022 15:38

Sounds to be like you had an extremely lucky escape. On a number of levels.

Reigateforever · 23/04/2022 15:38

Did you take any selfies with him cause you could check with google if he known .

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:41

Commuting a faux pas and not reading the entire thread

but why can’t it be that perhaps he DOES want a long term relationship. Then had sex with you, realised that it wouldn’t ever be with you. So was clear cut about it?

Fact in your OP you don’t mention whether you fancied him, how the date was or even how the sex went… indicates to me that you want a long term relationship - and you’d be happy with anyone as long as they want to couple up too

DrBlackbird · 23/04/2022 15:42

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/04/2022 13:04

Choking is a big no-no, especially without a conversation.
What a knob.

Are you a man??

Choking is never ever acceptable with or without a conversation. Jesus.

It is utterly depressing that pornography has perpetuated this extremely dangerous practice. Even slight pressure on the carotid artery can send someone into a dangerous cardiac arrhythmia. Not to mention how it’s used as a defence in assault/murder trials.

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:42

first date - coffee; second date - hike, third date - amazing dinner out so much chemistry, fourth date, hike - loads of texting, video calls and chatting in between. A few other walks around our area - he stays up the road from me. Anyway I slept with him after about two months. Amazing night, amazing sex. The next day his messages changed. Here we fucking go

op, could it be that you’re not very good at sex? I’m sorry, I know difficult but the evidence indicates perhaps

apricotlane · 23/04/2022 15:44

@Monstera1111 It's what you've been taught culturally. We all have and it's nuts. And a lie, often at the expense of women.

You've got to delve more into these men's principles before you allow them into your bed. What they have fed their minds on is everything!

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:44

Agree I had a guy wine and dine me for about six weeks heavy then had sex and the next day he ghosted that must have been 18 dates before sex

and another bit of “evidence”

WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 15:45

"op, could it be that you’re not very good at sex? I’m sorry, I know difficult but the evidence indicates perhaps "
@tomatoandherbs how rude.

WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 15:47

OP, don't listen to the insults. I guarantee it's nothing to do with how the sex was

apricotlane · 23/04/2022 15:49

@tomatoandherbs What is being 'good at sex'? Putting on an explicit porny show for male gratification? Ugh.

Sex is good when two people are properly connected. That takes chemistry and trust or love!

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 15:50

DrBlackbird · 23/04/2022 15:42

Are you a man??

Choking is never ever acceptable with or without a conversation. Jesus.

It is utterly depressing that pornography has perpetuated this extremely dangerous practice. Even slight pressure on the carotid artery can send someone into a dangerous cardiac arrhythmia. Not to mention how it’s used as a defence in assault/murder trials.

Show quote history

Unfortunately there was a recent thread on here about it and it seems quite a lot of women are into it so maybe that’s what the poster means

HipsterMum · 23/04/2022 15:51

apricotlane · 23/04/2022 15:49

@tomatoandherbs What is being 'good at sex'? Putting on an explicit porny show for male gratification? Ugh.

Sex is good when two people are properly connected. That takes chemistry and trust or love!

Agree with this completely.

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:52

Sex is good when two people are properly connected. That takes chemistry and trust or love!

yes! So obviously wasn’t for him
and op describes it as “ok” so obviously wasn’t for her either

I can’t see he has done anything wrong. People can have one night stands and yet still have a desire for a long term relationship!

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:54

He could have very easily take the easy route and said “yeah op I’d love to see you again”. He did not.
op you don’t seem to have been even remotely attracted to him
is it just that you WANT a long term relationship and that’s more important than actually who with?

Feministwoman · 23/04/2022 15:55

@tomatoandherbs what vile comments

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