To have a flat rule about other people's kids?

[hitrewind]

I don't have kids – I have a DSS who I love to bits but play no 'parental' role in his life (we have our own relationship that we chose and defined when he was young).

Over the years DSS's friends have, of course, come over to play / spend time and occasionally their parents / my DP have asked if I could drop them home, or be home with them while DP goes to work.

It's always been moments when I was going out anyway (when I'm asked to give a lift) or staying home anyway (when I was asked to watch the kids for a bit) so I've felt a bit shit saying no.

But I don't have children of my own, haven't really been around kids much in my life, and I feel really uncomfortable taking responsibility for someone else's child, especially when 90% of the time the parents have never even met me.

DSS is another matter – I have no issue being 'the adult' for him – but when it's a child who I've only met once getting into my car, I can't help but imagine situations where I get into an accident and their parents blame me, or the child doing something I didn't predict and something awful happening.

So I've said to DP I just have a flat rule about 'no other people's kids'.

It feels like the right thing to me, but I've always felt a bit awkward about saying no – especially when I'm driving that way anyway, for example – since I know logically that the chances of something bad happening are low and other people do it all the time.

AIBU to have a flat rule like this? Am I being ridiculous?

You can have whatever rules you like, but long term it may impact your relationship with DSS if you constantly refuse to give his friends lifts or help out in any way when other children are involved.

Just worth thinking about

Sorry, but yes you are being a bit ridiculous. Giving lifts is all part and parcel of being a parent/stepparent/friend of a child.

I hear you, @fairylightsandwaxmelts – I do help out in lots of other ways, and we do plenty together with him and his friends, so I'm not too worried about that side of things.

I'm just not comfortable taking solo responsibility for kids I don't have a significant relationship with or whose parents don't know me.

I think of all the certificates and training actual childcare providers have to have – and I've no idea!

I think you’re perfectly reasonable.

I think it's a bit over the top. What difference does it make that you've no children yourself? Surely it's just helping out a family members friend, I think you're looking into it too deeply.

How old are the kids? Can't they walk home or their parents pick them up from your house?
I think being a partner of someone with kids, you kind of need to realise there will be things involving their kids too, part and parcel

You’re being unreasonable and inflexible. You chose to partner with someone who is a father, that comes with contact with other kids. You say in your OP it’s occasional, I don’t really see the big deal. However it shouldn’t all be being dumped on you by your DP either.

Er, it's a little unusual. Did you never babysit as a teen? Or supervise younger kids at Scouts or whatever? I think I started babysitting at 14. You're not expected to be a parent, just a grown up, and not even that grown up.

That being said, it's your boundary and you've chosen to draw it. That's fine! Yes people will privately think you unfriendly, especially on the refusing to drop kids who are going the same way, but they won't say it out loud. You might find it harder to get favours when you need them, that's all. I wouldn't expect anyone to take your parcel in etc!

Welcome to parenthood. None of us had any idea at the start....we all just do our best.

Yes you could have a car accident. But so could I driving my own kids. If a parent asks you for a lift then that's the risk they take. As long as you have strapped the kids in age appropriate seats you can do no more.

Blended families are tough. But you have blended so it seems unfair that you never help in those situations. Especially when it isn't putting you out.

Do you suffer with anxiety?

I don't think you can "define a relationship" with DSS when he was young and expect it to stay the same.

Relationships evolve over time and I think that you will seriously impact your relationship with DSS if you insist on being so "hands off"
How old is he?

As a parent I always had a car full of other people's DC (some of whose parents I had never met) and this will be more and more the case as they get older.

IMO you should relax the rules as PP poster said this is part of being in DSS life. He needs different things from you now and you need to evolve your role to suit the passage of time.

I think of all the certificates and training actual childcare providers have to have – and I've no idea!

Your DSS is clearly not a baby or toddler so his friends aren’t going to be either. It’s really not very difficult driving an eight year old home. Or being in the house with two nine year olds who are playing. You’re being a bit unfair I think.

I mean you can have whatever ‘rules’ you want if your husband thinks it is acceptable and is willing to work with it but it’s a bit weird imo.
Why wouldn’t your DSS’s friend’s parents know who you are? If it’s a case of driving your DSS to meet friends at the cinema and a local friend’s parent tries to arrange that one parent picks up/ one drops off but you only drive your DSS and won’t chip in?
Or if your DSS wants a friend over and you are at home but your husband is out, you would refuse?
As your SS get older this rule will be more and more awkward.

I mean ultimately it is up to you - but I was a cub scout leader in spite of not having any children - so I don't think its inherent that you feel like this as a result of not having children. I guess that can be easier as a result of having a structure and the fact that you should never be a lone adult with children but I have never really considered it an issue. I guess it depends how old they are - by the time they're maybe 7-8 they can broadly be trusted not to totally throw themselves into a road as long as they're reminded to look etc or unstrap themselves in the car and try to throw themselves out on a roundabout (happened when my brother was little! :o gave my parents a terrible fright) - I can definitely understand the worry more with preschoolers as they can be just so unpredictable.

How old is DSS? Is there any reason why you couldn't make contact with his friends' parents to check they are happy for you to give a lift? I mean I don't think you are BU actually, but I have given lifts to DDs friends when I don't know the parents - usually I make contact by text to check they ok with it if they haven't already contacted me. There have been similar situations including step parents. And I have given lifts to SC & friends years ago without knowing parents well, although I did know who they were! Anyway, if you are truly very uncomfortable with it it's probably best you don't do it.

You can set whatever rule you want. I myself wouldn't have a problem with having other kids (they'll pretty much amuse themselves anyway at that age) but might be less happy about having to entertain their parents and say no to that. Do you have anxiety or social anxiety OP? How does your partner feel about your rule?

You can draw your own lines and boundaries. People will probably think you a little uptight for this though.

No one knows how to deal with every parental situation. You make it up as you go along!

Why would you assume the OP's partner is the father of the step child? They haven't stated the dynamic in their post? Would you thoughts be different if the OP was male?

I have a flat rule about lifts home. The answer is no, DD knows to tell her friends that they are more than welcome here so long as they have a way to get home.

So I think you are perfectly reasonable

YANBU

You shouldn’t be doing something you’re not comfortable with and if your DSS is asking his father, his father should be the one taking them home. You could explain to both that you don’t feel comfortable for the reasons you provided and no one can say that your relationship with your DSS is right or wrong because you two have established it on your own and have come to an agreement.

My parents would have never allowed me to get in a car with someone who is a stranger to them. They expected to meet those parents for safety reasons, knowing what they looked like, what their car look like, where they lived etc. If other parents were comfortable with that that was fine but they still had to have a phone conversation, and would then drop them off.

I plan to do the same with my children. I’d be annoyed if my child came home and told me someone dropped them off and it wasn’t the person I talked to beforehand or have ever met. I would pick them up the next time so I could meet the family.

Yabu

I think you have to do what is comfortable.
If your partner organised/ allowed this, then why on earth isn't he sorting out the lifts?
I'm amazed that he would allow the sleepover/ play session but then not be in charge?

I would stay flexible at this point about a rule. When you get to know some of the friends, you may find you are comfortable enough to offer lifts etc

I assumed this too. Although you are right they specified nothing. My answer remains the same.

No - this is what I said in my OP. I've never been around kids apart from DSS. I was an only child, living a long way from school, and never did Scouts or any of that kind of thing.

I have no issues about people thinking I'm unfriendly or refusing to take parcels in 😂Unfriendly is not a word people use to describe me, and I do plenty to support all kinds, including DSS and his friends in many different ways – so @mumsiedarlingrevolta I wouldn't use the phrase 'hands off' here at all.

This is just the one area where I feel uncomfortable and have chosen to draw a boundary (for once!) based on my own discomfort.