To have a flat rule about other people's kids?

[hitrewind]

I don't have kids – I have a DSS who I love to bits but play no 'parental' role in his life (we have our own relationship that we chose and defined when he was young).

Over the years DSS's friends have, of course, come over to play / spend time and occasionally their parents / my DP have asked if I could drop them home, or be home with them while DP goes to work.

It's always been moments when I was going out anyway (when I'm asked to give a lift) or staying home anyway (when I was asked to watch the kids for a bit) so I've felt a bit shit saying no.

But I don't have children of my own, haven't really been around kids much in my life, and I feel really uncomfortable taking responsibility for someone else's child, especially when 90% of the time the parents have never even met me.

DSS is another matter – I have no issue being 'the adult' for him – but when it's a child who I've only met once getting into my car, I can't help but imagine situations where I get into an accident and their parents blame me, or the child doing something I didn't predict and something awful happening.

So I've said to DP I just have a flat rule about 'no other people's kids'.

It feels like the right thing to me, but I've always felt a bit awkward about saying no – especially when I'm driving that way anyway, for example – since I know logically that the chances of something bad happening are low and other people do it all the time.

AIBU to have a flat rule like this? Am I being ridiculous?

I was never allowed to be on my own with friends parent if my dad couldnt come and pick me up he insisted that my friend also be in the car regardless of sex of parent. He also would not run any of my friends home unless I came in the car too. This was in the 70s and 80s some people thought it was odd and other people said they had never thought about it with regards to something being said and reputations being damaged

I would much prefer to give a lift to DC friends, I'd feel happier knowing they arrived home safely. I always appreciate when my DS gets a lift

This with bloody bells on!

OP has zero responsibility for this child, she is not a parent in any form.

Threatening her that her relationship with the child will fail now because she won't give his friends a ride is beyond ridiculous. Lots of people in your kids' lives will not want to give them a ride/supervise them, is it really reasonable that your kids will then hate them because of it? Strange that some parents or at least adults on here seem to think it would be justified. Wow!

Glad I raised my DC not to be transactional. This idea of 'you must do x or y for me (even though we have a good relationship) or I won't like you anymore' is incredibly childish and manipulative.

YANBU

I know some parents who seem to have this policy. I do feel a bit sorry for their kids as I think they miss out. But this is your boyfriend's child so it's up to the parents to manage.

I would never ask any of the grandparents, for example, to give my children's friends a lift anywhere, or to mind them like they would their grandchildren.

Well no, I wouldn't be wanting to hang about in the evening waiting for a 14 year old to leave so I could go home either

Your dp should say to the mum, fine for her to be here but I'm off to work so they'll be alone and you'll have to pick her up or sorry I'm off to work so need to drop her back now

He's a teenager, I think you are over thinking this OP.

When DD was at secondary, If I am taxi driving my DD to a sports fixture, and some other girls need a ride, DD willl text me and ask (normally I would say yes). I once gave a lift to DD's friend whose parents I had never met before, and said friend's exchange student!

Over the years my DD has got lifts from parents who I have never met before. These are teenagers who I imagine are responsible for making their own decisions on how they can get too and from places, if these parents take offence with this and then they can stop their DC from taking lifts from their peers parents.

I agree with @bellebeautifu1 that you’re over thinking the responsibility aspect given that your DSS and his friends are teenagers. You absolutely don’t need to give them lifts if you don’t want to, that’s perfectly reasonable. Equally, they’re not young children whom you need to look after so you don’t need to stay at home with them if you don’t want to.

I”ve given loads of my DC’s friends lifts without knowing the parents (mine are now 17 and 13), it’s not unusual at that age, but I’m comfortable with it. Now DD and her friends drive, I know even less about who’s in the car-but she’ll be an adult next year and it’s part of growing up.

What happened to parents not leaving their kids with anyone these days!!!!!

First and formost before the Op runs, picks up, drops off any child other than step son. Shouldn't Parents want to know who the she is...get to know her a little??

The way the world is today and some of the Cranks in it...you could be letting your child stay, spend time with anyone who may not do right by any child!!!

Sorry Op not accusing you of being a Crank...but either way the Op has to protect herself as Parents have to protect their kids. A bit of tme getting to know a person your child is going to be around should be a priority!

When they're teenagers??

Good luck with that!

The only time I did do that was if there were sleepovers, but even that stopped when they hit about 15