To have a flat rule about other people's kids?

[hitrewind]

I don't have kids – I have a DSS who I love to bits but play no 'parental' role in his life (we have our own relationship that we chose and defined when he was young).

Over the years DSS's friends have, of course, come over to play / spend time and occasionally their parents / my DP have asked if I could drop them home, or be home with them while DP goes to work.

It's always been moments when I was going out anyway (when I'm asked to give a lift) or staying home anyway (when I was asked to watch the kids for a bit) so I've felt a bit shit saying no.

But I don't have children of my own, haven't really been around kids much in my life, and I feel really uncomfortable taking responsibility for someone else's child, especially when 90% of the time the parents have never even met me.

DSS is another matter – I have no issue being 'the adult' for him – but when it's a child who I've only met once getting into my car, I can't help but imagine situations where I get into an accident and their parents blame me, or the child doing something I didn't predict and something awful happening.

So I've said to DP I just have a flat rule about 'no other people's kids'.

It feels like the right thing to me, but I've always felt a bit awkward about saying no – especially when I'm driving that way anyway, for example – since I know logically that the chances of something bad happening are low and other people do it all the time.

AIBU to have a flat rule like this? Am I being ridiculous?

It's perfectly reasonable. You know the ground rules for your DSS, and know him well, so aren't concerned about how you manage with him.

Other children though- you don't know what's the norm, what to check, what's standard- so reasonable to be wary. You haven't had the extended contact with other parents that comes with parenting, you haven't worked out the rules for yourself (dummy or no dummy, sweets or no sweets etc). You know less than other parents.

If a child misbehaves, or throws up unexpectedly, you have a more limited repertoire to handle it!

Your prerogative, but people are going to have a reaction to your rule so you have to be certain that you can tune out their reaction. If you can"t detach from their reaction then id ask yourself if The Rule is worth it!

🙄 It’s a site where the majority of posters are women. Does it matter? I would give the advice to either sex of partner. Why would it be different if OP was a man?

It's up to you. I have two friends who are stepmums. One is very involved and treats the DSS like her own child. That means interacting with his friends, giving lifts, etc. The other had very firm boundaries about not getting involved in any of that.
The only point I'd make is that it may have an impact on your relationship with your DSS and as a PP pointed out, the parameters you defined in your relationship with them when they were younger may need to be revisited as time goes on.

It’s entirely your prerogative to have that rule but personally I think you’re being over cautious and missing out on interacting with young people. They’re not aliens. If they are around 8 ish or older you don’t need to worry about them needing personal assistance. I find it a bit sad that we live in a society where adults are so worried about interacting with children. We do need to protect children from predators but we are also loosing a lot of human community/ society in the process.

Then they should pick up their kids from OP’s home or her DH sorts it.

The parents obviously know their kids are going to have to come home eventually.

Thank you, @picklemewalnuts – you've explained this well.

@luxxlisbon - those are perfectly sensible examples and I'm sorry this is a drip-feed – DP, DSS and I don't live together. Together 6 years but like our own space and the variety of spending time in different areas, so I don't come into contact with DSS's friends' parents much, and the usual day-to-day of lifts etc. is done by DP.

So an example: I'm at their place, DP has to go to work (he works evenings) and DSS's friend has been over all afternoon. DSS's friend's mum texts to say she's having to work late, so DP asks if I can stay with them until the mum finishes work and then drop the friend home, since he'll be at work by then.

So rather than heading home myself when I'm ready to, I'm now babysitting and taxi-ing, and the friend's parent is at work so not in easy contact if anything happens. I just feel out of my depth.

🙄

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and you don't have to have to explain why. Where are all the posters who usualy come up with 'no is a complete sentence' and 'where are your boundaries?' ? You have your own boundaries and have stated them clearly.

I mean, it's not as if most actual parents have any of those certificates either!

I understand how you feel, I'd feel exactly the same, which is why I'm child-free and wouldn't have got in a relationship with a parent.

But if this is a proper long-term relationship - which presumably means you'll be a step-parent as DSS becomes a tween, teen and young adult - I don't think this inflexibility will work out long-term. From what I see, raising a family is all about pulling together to deal with last-minute shit, including giving lifts to kids' friends - and as a step-parent you're his family now.

I think it is a bit unusual but it's your choice really, isn't it. And if you're uncomfortable with it then that's entirely up to you. I don't think you're in a very different position to any other parent so I don't know why you're making that distinction. Now that my eldest is 14, I don't really have anything to do with the parents. So any new friends come from unknown families. I've had a kid I don't know over twice this week and my son slept over at their house. Both families have given lifts to the boys. I think driving him home is the bit I dislike least - really don't like having strangers in my home as it makes me feel on edge but that's just something I have to deal with as socialising is very important to my son.

I can completely identify with the idea that I couldn't possibly be in charge of children because I have had no training - I felt exactly that way both times I brought my babies home from hospital! I was all "ummmm... You're just going to let me take this tiny, fragile thing away without supervision... Me?!" Probably really common!

In this example who is with dss? Dp has gone to work, friend is picked up, you go home… dss is just on their own? Is he a teen then?
honestly it sounds a totally fine rule for dss being a young child, a very weird rule for dss being a teenager, teenagers are pretty independent and it’s a bit like a bus driver saying I can’t take teens I’m not qualified as a childcare worker or a store worker saying don’t let teens in, I don’t know what they will doooo!

but in general it would also be weird for other people asking you regularly for lifts for their child and looking after their child as well as dss especially when you don’t even live there. If it’s that this happens a lot and you want a blanket rule as you were struggling to say no that sounds like a good idea. I’d rather be honest with my dp though, you can make up anything for other kids paretns.

How often does this happen?

So your DSS is old enough to be left alone but not old enough to be left alone with a friend? Your example was confusing.

Stepmothers aren’t included in that from what I’ve seen on MN.

YABU

It sounds like this is occasional. You should have acknowledged that when forming a relationship with somebody with a child, you might have to deal with other people's children eventually.
I think over time this would impact your relationship with your DP personally.

It sounds like you've been a stepmum for a long time...like it or not, it does come with some responsibilities. You can't just choose the good, easy bits all the time! It wouldn't kill you to help out a bit now and then...

I'm just not comfortable taking solo responsibility for kids I don't have a significant relationship with or whose parents don't know me.

This is true of every adult though - we're all wary of damaging someone else's child.
But we take.on that responsibility because kids enjoy seeing their friends & it's good for them.

But YANBU to set whatever boundaries you like, if you don't want to be involved with playdates then that's that, I'm just saying your feelings aren't unique, it's part of parenting - whether you want to be considered that way or not, you're in the mix!

OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Not everyone (including me) has a natural, instinctive affinity with babies/children. I have one son, nieces and nephews and I love them dearly but, I always felt uncomfortable (not with my own son 😊) being in sole charge of them. I cannot explain it. It’s just something I’ve always felt. They were fed and watered and safe, but I always felt an underlying “I’m not sure I’m doing this right” about it.

I have Aspergers (diagnosed as an adult) so wonder whether it may be part and parcel of that. Have to say, my friends say I’ve been a wonderful mum; patient beyond the point of “usual” parental patience, at times. When my son had friends over, as a child, I loved to have them all playing in the garden or gaming or whatever but, I’d have felt awkward looking after them routinely, just having it expected of me, driving them about.

I now have two grandchildren. They’re gorgeous. When they visit… wonderful but, when they go home I’m just reminded of how it was never my natural forte, “children” and I find it much easier when you can have a conversation/read with them etc rather than playing with babies and toddlers.

I don’t think, had I not had my own son, I’d be even “that” child friendly. Some people just aren’t. Have to emphasise, I’m not an ogre! 😂 I’m friendly, with a good sense of humour and was a nurse for many many years so, not people averse!

OP, I’d stick to the boundaries you’ve set. Perfectly reasonable, I think.

I agree

Not unreasonable at all. Your life, your rules. I'm like this but for different/related (?) reasons. I work in safeguarding and refuse to be alone in a room with other peoples children in case I'm accused of something. Same for my children- I don't leave them unaccompanied anywhere- I'm always present when they're out and about so I can keep an eye on them. Mine are little though so I'm not sure how I'll navigate this when they're older but for now, no way I'm taking a chance when anything could happen.

I think you're being a bit dramatic, giving a lift or being in the company of kids isn't that big of a deal. That said, if you don't want to then don't, I just don't understand the big statement and angst around it.

Where's the angst, exactly?

You are being over the top your concern about being in an accident and responsible for a child who's parents then blame you us irrational.

If you don't want to give lifts as it is inconvenient fine. But if you are being ruled by an irrational fear I would work on it.