To have a flat rule about other people's kids?

[hitrewind]

I don't have kids – I have a DSS who I love to bits but play no 'parental' role in his life (we have our own relationship that we chose and defined when he was young).

Over the years DSS's friends have, of course, come over to play / spend time and occasionally their parents / my DP have asked if I could drop them home, or be home with them while DP goes to work.

It's always been moments when I was going out anyway (when I'm asked to give a lift) or staying home anyway (when I was asked to watch the kids for a bit) so I've felt a bit shit saying no.

But I don't have children of my own, haven't really been around kids much in my life, and I feel really uncomfortable taking responsibility for someone else's child, especially when 90% of the time the parents have never even met me.

DSS is another matter – I have no issue being 'the adult' for him – but when it's a child who I've only met once getting into my car, I can't help but imagine situations where I get into an accident and their parents blame me, or the child doing something I didn't predict and something awful happening.

So I've said to DP I just have a flat rule about 'no other people's kids'.

It feels like the right thing to me, but I've always felt a bit awkward about saying no – especially when I'm driving that way anyway, for example – since I know logically that the chances of something bad happening are low and other people do it all the time.

AIBU to have a flat rule like this? Am I being ridiculous?

I don’t think not giving lifts to teenagers is unreasonable but I think your reasoning is OTTx you’ve been around this kid for years so you HAVE been around kids. I’m assuming it’s not causing any problems with your DP?

I have several of my own kids and I sort of secretly have this pact with myself too. I don't "do" other peoples kids and I will never voluntarily put myself forward for it (and likewise don't expect others to have mine!)
I'm fine with having them bob in when they're playing with my kids but I very rarely arrange actual play dates. No sirreeeee.
I mean, some times it's unavoidable and I suck it up, but I just find other kids fucking unbearable and I need a considerable length of time between contact.
Yanbu!

It is up to you but I feel if you have a partner with kids you must take on the adult (not necessarily parental) role, and this inevitably includes other kids. After all you may need to take several kids to football practice etc - I've done that with kids I don't even know the name of.
If you can avoid it much of the time that's your choice, but feel it's unfair and selfish to have a 'rule' about it.

Why would oher kids be inevitable? Actually, the OP is evading other children quite well, just feels a bit pushed into them.

And, what should be the selfish part of having a rule? At lest it makes her position predictable and clear to the actual parents of children involved. If she was evaluating each situation individually and randomly agree, it would be more mess for everyone.

No issues with refusing lifts.

Not wanting to be in sole care of 14 y.o's is OTT.

YANBU. I have my own kids. 4. I hate being responsible for other people's kids. I don't like kids much in general (my own are different). As a result my kids never often had play dates outside of school. Happened very rarely but not much. They did sports and things with friends but I was just dropping off and picking my own kids up. So they interacted and now they're older it hasn't affected their friendships at all. I wouldn't want to be doing it in your situation and I don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting to.

*So an example: I'm at their place, DP has to go to work (he works evenings) and DSS's friend has been over all afternoon. DSS's friend's mum texts to say she's having to work late, so DP asks if I can stay with them until the mum finishes work and then drop the friend home, since he'll be at work by then.

So rather than heading home myself when I'm ready to, I'm now babysitting and taxi-ing, and the friend's parent is at work so not in easy contact if anything happens. I just feel out of my depth.*

Missed this initially. This is unacceptable because it is imposing on your evening. I think suggesting you are put of your depth may sound disingenuous as there isn't much to it. However having your evening used like that is not acceptable. If this comes up again I would say "sorry I have stuff to do at home. Girlfriends mum will have to sort her a lift when she finishes"

So rather than heading home myself when I'm ready to, I'm now babysitting and taxi-ing, and the friend's parent is at work so not in easy contact if anything happens. I just feel out of my depth.

Yanbu in this situation.
Why can't he drop them both off at the friend's, DM can arrange collection from the friend's house.

I haven't read the whole thread yet but ignoring the fact that you don't have children....I have kids in my house, the parents of which I've never met and have no contact details for....its part and parcel of having kids in your house. I'm aware DSS isn't YOUR child but that's not relevant to the not knowing the parents....my kids are always bringing friends home or going to friends houses and most of the time I've not met the parents.

I think at 14 your SS doesn’t need babysitting and any friends can catch the bus home... Having said that I’d give them a lift if I was passing past their home.

It is totally up to you. I would understand if somebody told me they didn’t want to drop my kid home because they felt uncomfortable with it. But you say your partners child is 14? I have a 14 year old who walks to their friends homes on their own now unless the distance is too far or it is late etc. Would this not be an option?

I think the answer is DSS and friend get their time together cut shirt and DP drops her home on his way to work?

If the friends mum doesn't want her 14ur old daughter to he in the house on her own, then she needs to make other arrangements

Although if this was just a one off 'favour' asked of you, YANBU to have felt uncomfortable, but I don't think you need to create set rules to stop it happening again.
Sometime life is unpredictable.

I do wonder why you didn't just say no to DP?
Or do you feel you have to go along with his requests around DSS to keep the peace?
If so, that's unfair

I think there’s two separate issues here.

If you have a DSS it’s a little unrealistic to have a blanket ban on interacting with other children. The fact you are not a biological parent is neither here nor there: if you have a significant role in this kid’s life it’s impractical to think you can exclude other children.

That said it sounds as if your DP takes the piss a bit and uses you as a childcare crutch. Which is just cheeky. Again, the fact you aren’t the parent is not really relevant but it feels as if you are picking up the slack for his poor planning.

Of course, it's ok! Not everyone is comfortable looking after other people's children, and no one should assume otherwise. Well no reasonable person, anyway.

Would you be happy to give a lift to an adult?
At what age, then, will you be happy to give a lift to DSS's friend?
Because, after, all, we are all someone's son/daughter!
They are unlikely to wet their pants or vomit on the floor.
I've heard of spontaneous combustion and abduction by aliens but never had to deal with it in my many parenting years.
If they fall down and break a bone / get a head injury then you taken them to hospital. Treat 'emergencies' as you would if they happened to an adult, because they very nearly are. Would you feel concerned about coping with an adult who was in an emergency situation?

YABU. Assuming you live with DSS, and are part of his caregiving team, then either you facilitate his social life in the traditional way, which includes taking responsibility for random kids, or his social life will be massively impacted in a negative way.

I do get it. I’m scared looking after other people’s kids too! Being a mum doesn’t make me accident-proof! I’m constantly amazed that parents from school I’ve never spoken to before accept a text request for a playdate then drop their kid at my door and zoom off without a care in the world. But they do because that’s how it works in Britain.

You need to grow up, stop mumbling that you don’t have kids and accept that you are a parent and sometimes have to do boring scary crap that you don’t wanna do, for the welfare of your child. And your step-child IS YOUR CHILD no matter what weird labels you’ve given it in your head.

She's not a parent though, there are already 2 parents. YANBU OP, taking responsibility for other people's children is a big ask and if you're not comfortable with that, that's OK.

YABU. Assuming you live with DSS, and are part of his caregiving team
@Neverreturntoathread You assumed wrong. She doesnt live with the child. She doesnt live with the child’s father. She is the girlfriend of the father. Why in hells name os she at all responsible for caregiving?! Gove your head a wobble and raise your standards for fathers.

YANBU.

YANBU.

You make it sound like kids are alien beings

They are people, just like you and I

Do you have any other “rules” like this, eg “no other grannies, no other cyclists etc”

It just sounds completely exclusionary and totally inflexible. Most people don’t apply such “flat rules” in their life.

You wouldn’t have to assume things if you chose to press the “See All” for OP’s post. She literally explained the two following points:

1.She is not married to his father.
2.She does not live with his father.

Therefore, the 14 yo is not HER CHILD!

Even as a parent you always have an acute sense of responsibility when you are looking after someone else’s child but after a while you get used to it and learn how to be with them. The main things I’d say are just avoid giving them unhealthy food and just do your best to make them feel comfortable around you. I’d treat it as a privilege, kids keep you young and can be great fun to talk to.

I take it that works both ways?

But what is your reason for the rule?

I don’t think YABU - I have a similar set up with my partner (many years together but live in seperate towns) and I wouldn’t expect him to do any of that with my teenage kids friends, even though I might occasionally ask him to drop one of mine off/take them somewhere. I think he would feel similar as he’s never done the parenting/school/meeting parents from sports type thing