To have a flat rule about other people's kids?

[hitrewind]

I don't have kids – I have a DSS who I love to bits but play no 'parental' role in his life (we have our own relationship that we chose and defined when he was young).

Over the years DSS's friends have, of course, come over to play / spend time and occasionally their parents / my DP have asked if I could drop them home, or be home with them while DP goes to work.

It's always been moments when I was going out anyway (when I'm asked to give a lift) or staying home anyway (when I was asked to watch the kids for a bit) so I've felt a bit shit saying no.

But I don't have children of my own, haven't really been around kids much in my life, and I feel really uncomfortable taking responsibility for someone else's child, especially when 90% of the time the parents have never even met me.

DSS is another matter – I have no issue being 'the adult' for him – but when it's a child who I've only met once getting into my car, I can't help but imagine situations where I get into an accident and their parents blame me, or the child doing something I didn't predict and something awful happening.

So I've said to DP I just have a flat rule about 'no other people's kids'.

It feels like the right thing to me, but I've always felt a bit awkward about saying no – especially when I'm driving that way anyway, for example – since I know logically that the chances of something bad happening are low and other people do it all the time.

AIBU to have a flat rule like this? Am I being ridiculous?

Sorry, I can get how it might have been confusing. Friend is a girl, so no, we don't leave them home alone together, and needed a lift home once her mum was finished with work.

DSS is now 14, but this has been something I've been trying to navigate my way through since he was 8.

And you're all quite right, it has changed over time, and my feelings have evolved, and it's just been on my mind a bit recently since it really is the only thing to do with DSS that I've ever had a firm 'no' feeling around.

He isn't your stepson, he's your boyfriend's son. YANBU.

Qualifications and certificates are require for people who are paid to look after larger numbers of children regularly and for long periods. Even then, you can do it for up to two hours a day without them.

If you did it, you would soon feel just as comfortable as any parent who sometimes looks after their children's friends.

You have every right to say no but it will make you look unreasonable and inflexible at some point. You seem happy to be perceived that way if it comes to it, so I guess there isn't an issue.

How old is your stepson?

Yanbu. You're setting a boundary and that should be respected.

I think this is a case where if there were to be some elements reversed, there may well be different answers - in that 'my child went to play at a friend's house and it turns out that his Mum's boyfriend looked after them and dropped them back home. AIBU to say I'm not comfortable with this?'.

It's up to you how you want to live your life. But I would echo that children aren't aliens, they're part of our communities not separate, and to an extent a shared responsibility ?

YANBU, I actually find your approach inspiring, rather than martyring yourself, you have worked out what suits you and your BF's son and stuck with it.

I don't think its an irrational fear or a fear at all.....I have no kids myself and been in a vaguely similar situation with my godchild and older sibling. I know them well (they are adults now) I knew what the parents allowed or not and they knew me. I had never done any kind of volunteering with kids or had any contact at all. Basically I didn't know anything about children, I knew about THOSE children. If I had been asked to be responsible for friends of theirs as well as them, I would have felt unequipped to do that and unless is was a life or death emergency, I would have said, sorry, no.

YANBU, you're not saying it to be selfish or lazy. You're being honest and saying I'm not experienced or comfortable enough to have this responsibility. That's actually kind of you, better than saying yes and then getting overwhelmed.

I sort of understand how you feel, my son was the first baby I'd looked after. It was super scary, I'd never babysat, had younger siblings/cousins, looked after my friends kids. Nada. It was a huge learning curve, would be even more scary if he wasn't my own and if there were more than one! 🥴

I became a step mum at the grand old age of 22. It was fine, just got on with it.

I get it OP and I used to be a childcare provider, started when I was 11. I recall a parent having me take another child to school that I had never met. It was very last minute (we were just about to walk out the door) and I couldn’t say no obviously. Having not met this child, I had no idea what they were like, if they did something wrong or disobey, what do I do and because this child was there, it changed the dynamic and her child was harder to manage. I finally got them to school but it was not easy.

Got asked about it the next day, due to another parent from the school seeing them run ahead of me after I told them not to and me chasing after them telling them to stop. The mother did apologise to me but I refused to take another child without having met them and their parents. They were 8 but the feeling is similar.

We see complaints here from parents not wanting to have certain children in their home or having neighbours or friend’s parents asking for them to do drop-offs when they don’t want to, and being told not to then, yet you should because that’s what you signed up for? Pretty sure, the other parents signed up for parenthood so it shouldn’t be that much different.

It’s reassuring to see some posters just saying “I just got on with it; not a big deal”. That’s good for them. Equally, some are saying “No, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that”. I’m of the second opinion but I admire the first, very much! It’s just not something I could do and I know my limits!

OP knows hers, too. Which is the safest thing for her and the kids!

No I think you’re being silly. I’m assuming you’re a normal, sensible grown up. And normal sensible grown ups can perfectly well give lifts or look after children without certificates or training. Whether you want to or not is a different matter. If you don’t want to I guess you’re well within your rights not to, but tbh it’s a bit selfish. Other peoples kids are an inconvenient pain, but sometimes it’s just nice to be nice. 🙂

YANBU

You don't live with them, you don't have a shared child, this isn't a real blended family situation.
Mumsnet goes crazy once the word "step child" appears, but this package ends somewhere and your situation sounds ok - good with DSS, but not really parenting and not extending it to other children.

I'm thinking now whether it is fair from your partner to repeatedly ask about it, as you stated your position earlier. If we say that there is no harm in asking, there must be no harm in answering no.

You're good as far as I'm concerned. Surely your partner is about when his son is visiting, so he can do the ferrying friends about. This shouldn't even be an issue. You clearly have a relationship with your stepson that works, it doesn't have to extend to his mates.

@hitrewind
I have a good friend who, like you, has a boyfriend with a teenage son. She has zero experience with children. In fact, it’s fair to say she is politely disinterested in children - fine by me, we are hobby friends - I don’t have to talk to her about my kids 😀She’s a lovely, decent person but I cannot imagine leaving her to take responsibility for any child. She has no aptitude, skill, experience, or interest.

YANBU

PPs who think you are wrong should instead imagine your DP was asking you to take care of a stranger’s prize-winning pedigree dog alongside his own when you’ve never even held the lead of a mongrel. 😂

Why the fuck are so many women on here trying to force another woman to beyond their boundary!!

Really sums up what being a woman is like - your boundaries are not respected (you’re supposed to have none), if you don’t bend over back wards for others you’re unfriendly, not nice, a bad girlfriend/wife/mother/stepmother

FFS!!

No unreasonable at all not to want to parent other people's kids but refusing to give your step son's friends a lift every now and then is a bit tight. Saying that, he has his dad... if it works for your family I suppose crack on!

Can't help feeling that this is more coming from you not wanting the responsibility and hassle rather than a genuine feeling of being uncomfortable. I'd understand it more if DSS was young but at 14, I think you just can't be bothered with it.

Which sounds critical but I actually think that's fine. They are not your kids, you don't need to feel obligated to either DSS or his friend to ferry about, etc - but these things tend to come with consequences.

It depends if you want to be seen by DSS as someone who is around for him as a helpful friendly adult, or someone who will go only so far but has clear boundaries and won't help him further than that.

@CorsicaDreaming

the latter is fine.

It depends if you want to be seen by DSS as someone who is around for him as a helpful friendly adult, or someone who will go only so far but has clear boundaries and won't help him further than that.

Why is that a bad thing? You can also be a helpful, friendly adult and be someone who has clear boundaries that only go so far on some things. It is not an either/or situation.

i dknt think it matters what the issue is. Youve said you dont want to do this one thing. You partner keeps putting you in the position you have to repeatedly say no. That’s not acceptable.

This. You are dad's girlfriend.
Although why two 15 year olds can't be left alone is a whole other discussion.

Omg i missed this post!

This is not acceptable at all.