To have a flat rule about other people's kids?

[hitrewind]

I don't have kids – I have a DSS who I love to bits but play no 'parental' role in his life (we have our own relationship that we chose and defined when he was young).

Over the years DSS's friends have, of course, come over to play / spend time and occasionally their parents / my DP have asked if I could drop them home, or be home with them while DP goes to work.

It's always been moments when I was going out anyway (when I'm asked to give a lift) or staying home anyway (when I was asked to watch the kids for a bit) so I've felt a bit shit saying no.

But I don't have children of my own, haven't really been around kids much in my life, and I feel really uncomfortable taking responsibility for someone else's child, especially when 90% of the time the parents have never even met me.

DSS is another matter – I have no issue being 'the adult' for him – but when it's a child who I've only met once getting into my car, I can't help but imagine situations where I get into an accident and their parents blame me, or the child doing something I didn't predict and something awful happening.

So I've said to DP I just have a flat rule about 'no other people's kids'.

It feels like the right thing to me, but I've always felt a bit awkward about saying no – especially when I'm driving that way anyway, for example – since I know logically that the chances of something bad happening are low and other people do it all the time.

AIBU to have a flat rule like this? Am I being ridiculous?

I think you’re massively overthinking it, OP. If you’re driving your boyfriend’s 14 year old son (not your stepson anyway) in one direction and his friend needs a lift, why would you overthink that and “set boundaries?” You realise you could get into a car crash with your boyfriend’s son in the car anyway? As long as the friend’s parents are on board then that is a risk they take, knowing that someone else is driving their kid.

In reality it sounds like you just can’t be bothered with the faff rather than your reasons about childcare providers having certificates and training. They’re not toddlers needing strapping into car seats, they’re 14 FFS. You don’t need a training course or certificate to take an additional 14 year old passenger in your car.

Just own it and say “I can’t be arsed driving around my boyfriend’s son’s friends” and be done with it! And I think in that case, YANBU!

If she is completely happy with her choice then why come here asking what we think.

I think as a step parent of a young child it's unreasonable.
However due to very slow drip feed...she is not step mum.....but dad's girlfriend. (Yes she's been around years but is not a live in parent figure).
Second the 'kids' are 14. The friends hardly need 'looking after'.

You can do what you like OP, but yes you are being ridiculous. What are you afraid is going to happen if you are alone in the house while DSS is playing with a friend? Or if you give a child a lift?

It wasn’t slow unless you couldn’t be bothered to press the “See All” of OP’s posts, but most people seem to go for the first post without even thinking that an OP may have answered questions from other posters clarifying more.

I’m probably missing the point but why can’t a 14 year old get themselves home?

I can see exactly where you are coming from. You have less experience of dealing with children and this means you have less confidence in your abilities around them. You've probably read so many conflicting views about child raising on here that you would rightly be wary of getting something "wrong" and being blamed for it.
I think you are perfectly within your rights, and sensible, to establish clear boundaries. They are not being put in place because you don't like children/ are lazy/ disinterested - it's because you want to do the right thing and feel, where children are concerned, you don't want to be out of your comfort zone with other people's children incase there are untoward consequences- for them or for you.
I had v little experience of children before I had my own. I didn't always feel confident with my own children and having their friends over for play dates made me a bit nervous- for several years, until I gained confidence through experience.

Do you just not really like kids? Because, that is perfectly ok. I have my own kids but I never really liked anyone else's until they were all teenagers 😂(That's not quite true, but, you know, not many of them.) Kids, even quite young ones, like adults who don't parent them, who speak to them like adults and don't feel responsible for putting boundaries around them. That's their parents job and you don't have to do it, especially if you're not spending a long time with them. Of course, you might not want them to like you! 😄 I'm afraid if you have even a part time relationship with a child, and you welcome their friends into your home, you do get roped into lifts and stuff it comes with the territory. I understand it feels like a heavy responsibility, but it isn't really.

Hi OP,

i understand what you mean. But as a parent, when you leave your child with someone else you are taking responsibility as well. I would never expect the other person to feel fully responsible as I would expect DS to be responsible for his own actions too. Maybe realizing that will make you feel less responsible and hence make the situation less daunting.

how old are the children?

I think it's completely reasonable to do whatever you want, but a shame for your SS.

FWIW once children are 8/9+ they don't really need much parental input or involvement on a 3hr playdate.

In that scenario at 14, you should have just gone home when you wanted. You aren’t a stepmum. The friend could stay over.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

Please, in your wisdom, define “normal”. I consider myself normal. I will, if needed, do what I can to help people. I was recently looking after a four year old because there was no one else to. I found it really hard. He wanted his mummy. Much as I tried to occupy/comfort him, he was not consoled. He barely knows me.

After the weekend, I felt terrible. For him. For me. I wouldn’t put myself forward for it on a regular basis because I know my limitations.

@Poppinjay

heaven forbid a woman be perceived as inflexible!! She should be bending over backwards to accommodate the whims of children and men

The further information regarding their age and the fact it's a female friend change things IMO. If your DSS was on his own could you have left (in your example) so he was on his own? Considering you don't live there, I think it is unfair to expect you to chaperone or taxi them around.
What would have happened if you weren't there? If the friend's parents were unable to get them would your DP dropped her home before work? Or would both kids' parents be happy for them to be left alone for a while? I don't think your are being unreasonable, but if I didn't have plans I would probably be ok to sit in with them a while, but then I also have a history of being taken advantage of 😁

Personally, I think j you're being unreasonable and odd. I suspect that there's more to it though, and anxiety is an issue generally for you. So I am sorry for that.

Kids are people too. Fair enough dont go out of your way but to not drop them off when you're going that way or not watch them when you are in the house anyway is awkward and unnecessary. Do you apply the "no lifts" rule to adults too?

heaven forbid a woman be perceived as inflexible!! She should be bending over backwards to accommodate the whims of children and men

I think there's a significant amount of projection there.

Most people can find a reasonable middle ground 🙄

I think it's inappropriate that the dad and the other person's mum want to assume you will step in.

Your DP should be taking the girl home, or her mum collecting her.

The other child's mum can't assume you will step in to supervise her child so she can stay late at work.

Where's the angst, exactly?

Probably form the fact you felt it necessary to post about it. I mean, nobody in your life has called it an issue, you haven’t said that your partner complains about it, it doesn’t seem to be causing any problems in your life, so why are you bothering to ask about it?

If it works for your family, then that’s fine.

I understand your reasoning and you are dead right to set the boundaries you feel comfortable with.

How is the OP supposed to respond if the children fall out, start arguing, get stroppy? Baring in mind neither of those children are hers and in a house that she doesn't live in. It's different if it's your own child and their mate but a lot harder if they're not. So it's really not ridiculous at all not to want to have sole, unpaid responsibility for children that are not yours or that you are not related to don't you think?

The children are 14 years old. Old enough to negotiate a ‘fall out’ without adult intervention. The adult only needs to be there in case of major disaster (like the house burning down), and presumably to deter them from having sex.
OP doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but if the reason she doesn’t want to do it is fear of the ‘responsibility’, she’s being ridiculous.

They’re all taking advantage of you, including your DP.

Say no and also assess if you are doing much for your DSS as well.

You are not a babysitter.

What a silly comment! 😂😂 What’s your back story, Lucky? Fed up of being a wife/parent? 😂🤣

When DS was at primary school, he’d regularly have friends round. I remember one of them used to just help himself to the “tuck” cupboard. I’d say “You can both choose one treat from the cupboard to have, whilst I get tea ready”. One day, the boy cleared out the cupboard! He then had his food, went on the trampoline for twenty minutes before his mum collected him and the next day she roasted me in the carpark at school drop off because he’d been horrendously sick, in the car, on the way home. Apparently, it was nearly all chocolate! It wasn’t till I went home and checked the cupboard that I saw how empty it was.

I was furious but didn’t say anything. His mum threw me filthy looks thereafter. If he’d been sick in my then, new car, I’d have been really cross. Whose fault was that? My son wouldn’t have gorged himself stupid.

Some people really don’t like the idea of a woman setting and protecting boundaries so that her life works the way she wants it to. It’s not supposed to be our lot.