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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I don’t be bitter this weekend?

694 replies

Dancingmoonlight · 23/04/2022 07:39

I’ve recently become friends with a girl I used to work with, we only worked together for six months and were friendly then, but have been spending some time together recently. Going for the odd cocktail etc. she’s always been nice enough.

She asked if I’d be interested in going to Berlin with her for the weekend, and I said yes. So here we are now and my issue is, my friend turned up with no money hardly. She turned up at the airport with 60 euros and only 7 pound for a four day trip. We have no food included in our room.

I wouldn’t have minded but she’s recently been on a 3 day night out, meals out, cinema and whatever else. Now we are in Berlin and she can’t afford anything and I’m having to subsidise us. Even at the airport with a 4 hour wait, she couldn’t even afford a coffee so I have had to cover it.

Now we are in Berlin, and she’s also so angry. If I go into a shop to look at anything or, if we go to a bar, it’s obvious she’s uncomfortable as she can’t afford anything and then it puts me on the spot. She’s also being very sweary and angry! This trip was her idea and she’s been abroad to European cities before so she knows they’re pricey.

Weve got two more nights and I honestly don’t know how to stop feeling so awkward. I brought enough money (280 euros) but it’s now draining so fast.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 23/04/2022 17:15

That's unbelievable really I do feel for you . What a cheek going for a citibreak expecting you to pay . How on earth did she think 60 euro and 7 pound was going to stretch 😂.
You've had some good suggestions to find free activities and just say you are running short of money yourself now and could she use a credit card , someone from home transfer money to her .
Tbh it would put me off her and the friendship may fizzle out .
I think she should have come clean at the beginning to say she had little money for the trip and could you do it as frugally as possible.

Lochjeda · 23/04/2022 17:17

How much do you have left and how much is a flight home and a taxi. If its cheaper than what you are going to have to spend to subsidise her the other two days I'd book it and say I can't afford to pay for us both any longer I'm not sure how you thought you'd last 4 days with 60 euros unless you were expecting me to subsidise you so I'm going home. And go and never speak to her again cheeky cow.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:18

MissPolliezDolly · 23/04/2022 17:14

I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things suggested by posters. Not because I’m a pushover because I’m not. I just couldn’t humiliate someone by making them eat differently to me for any reason.

The friend was wrong to go on holiday without spending money but perhaps she thought it was better that than cancelling the holiday altogether. Nothing she decides to do was going to be right.

Nothing? how about the following:

  1. She ring her family and ask them to patch over some money for her to use instead of sponging off her work colleague
  2. She informs the OP PRIOR to the holiday she has no money and politely asks if she'd be ok to lend her all the spending money- thus at least giving her a heads up
  3. She doesnt plan for and initiate a holiday she knows damn well she cant afford
  4. She doesnt go on a three day bender right before the planned holiday, blowing her entire paycheck before her commitment with her friend
Sorry- its BS to suggest the friend had no other options here. utter Bollocks.
Lochjeda · 23/04/2022 17:20

If you don't want to go home only other option is go to supermarket and buy prepacked breakfast stuff like cereal bar, fruit etc. Stuff for lunch you can make, sandwiches or whatever and crisps, bottle of water. Hopefully that will save you some money.

Soffit · 23/04/2022 17:22

You'll never get to the bottom of it but I am almost certain that she is lying about not having anything left. She is probably a careful budgeter who has spent her monthly budget earlier than she should have so she is now freeloading in order to still meet the monthly target. I know a few people like this. They will do it shamelessly.

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:29

MissPolliezDolly · 23/04/2022 17:14

I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things suggested by posters. Not because I’m a pushover because I’m not. I just couldn’t humiliate someone by making them eat differently to me for any reason.

The friend was wrong to go on holiday without spending money but perhaps she thought it was better that than cancelling the holiday altogether. Nothing she decides to do was going to be right.

If you're not able to deal with conflict or embarrassment you don't have to. You can still be polite. You simply state, "oh dear, it seems we had different pictures of what we want to do on holiday. Let's have breakfast and then do our own thing and meet back again tonight". Walk away with a smile and ignore the pouting and swearing. Then you're not eating together so no humiliation.

It's past the state of assuming good faith when she's ordering more expensive food than OP is while expecting OP to pay for it and expecting OP to buy gifts for her mum.

Maireas · 23/04/2022 17:29

MissPolliezDolly · 23/04/2022 17:14

I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things suggested by posters. Not because I’m a pushover because I’m not. I just couldn’t humiliate someone by making them eat differently to me for any reason.

The friend was wrong to go on holiday without spending money but perhaps she thought it was better that than cancelling the holiday altogether. Nothing she decides to do was going to be right.

Maybe she will be upset and/or humiliated. Maybe it'll stop her behaving like that again and sponging off someone else on the next holiday she fancies.

Maireas · 23/04/2022 17:31

I wonder what she would have done if you'd arrived and said you had no money, could she pay for everything?
Like pp, I somehow suspect she'll be able to buy things at the airport on the way home!

rookiemere · 23/04/2022 17:44

She saw OP coming at the airport.

Faced with that situation I'd possibly not have offered the free coffee and set the tone of the whole trip from there. I'd certainly have expressed surprise that the CF had planned to go away with so little money and let her know that I had saved carefully and my money wasn't in a joint pot.

Also OP has gone on holiday, for those suggesting a joint grocery shop she may not wish to go to the nearest Eurostar and eat Bimbo bread with peanut butter out of a bag for the rest of her holiday. Unlike CF she budgeted for eating out.

RoseJam · 23/04/2022 17:56

BracedlnEndIessJanuary · 23/04/2022 14:40

You are not going back until Monday and have already subsidised her Thurs/Fri, or just yesterday? Unfair expectations. Impossible situation. How did it come up - did she mention it at the airport or once you were in Berlin?
It is difficult - my DD went to Berlin with mates and they had a small budget for accommodation. I could not find anything decent within budget so I subsidised the whole group as a present the extra needed for a nicer place.
DD had been hurt that she was left planning it all (so I helped out) but as the mantra says - do not give more than you can afford to lose - and I was fine with it. They get there - all insist on walking as they want to keep to budget so not spending on an all-day train ticket. My lovely girl finds all the best, cheap eateries and street food and does an awesome job of it.
One of the girls then spends 80 euros on designer perfume from a posh mall.
DD felt resentful as she thought I had been taken advantage of.
I was - and remain - fine. The part subsidised had been prepaid, pre-agreed and spent in my head.
So...
You have three choices OP


  1. Fund her unconditionally and square it as a life-lesson for the future

  2. Do not fund her, friendship over, secure your things

  3. Continue to pay for food only but you choose where as beggars cannot be choosers

You need to make peace with it now whatever you go with.

THIS *

I think you have these 3 options. Choose the one you want, and make your peace.

What you cannot do is choose and then complain about it.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 23/04/2022 17:56

MissPolliezDolly · 23/04/2022 17:14

I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things suggested by posters. Not because I’m a pushover because I’m not. I just couldn’t humiliate someone by making them eat differently to me for any reason.

The friend was wrong to go on holiday without spending money but perhaps she thought it was better that than cancelling the holiday altogether. Nothing she decides to do was going to be right.

Your not serious or you haven’t read all the posts . She didn’t mention it till was at the airport.
She had been out recently .
when the op stupidly agreed to pay for food she orders the most expensive thing.
she’s angry and drops hints like my mum would like that perfume and I’d love a ice cream .
I really hope nobody tries to take you for a mug one day as you sound gullible.

iRun2eatCake · 23/04/2022 18:01

Dancingmoonlight · 23/04/2022 11:17

I made an agreement that I would pay for her meals, cheap places like a baguette or McDonald’s etc but not souvenirs, but each time we are going anywhere I feel like she’s deliberately picking the most expensive menu items.

We just went for a sandwich at a bakery for example lots of choices tuna, ham, cheese, salmon all around 6 euro- but she picked the steak one at 10 euro! Agh! I feel like I’m being pedantic.

Why are you paying for her meals???

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 18:01

OP, the only way to not be bitter about situations like this is to grow a backbone. Either tell them off, laugh to their face at their cheek, or politely excuse yourself from their company.

All other roads lead to bitterness, resentment, and feeling like the world is a cold place where everyone is out to take advantage of each other. You will become a more negative, cold-hearted person if you allow the CFs of the world to walk all over you. Protect your heart and your mental health.

WinterDeWinter · 23/04/2022 18:14

C'mon op, you've got to have it out with her. Just say 'Hey, I'm not sure why you didn't put money aside for this trip like most people would - did you assume I would cover you? That's nuts and really awful tbh - I can't afford it, so I guess I'll see you on the flight back."

Friendship is over anyway isn't it?

ArcheryAnnie · 23/04/2022 18:16

If it was me, I'd find the time spent with the "friend" easier to bear if I also had my own time going where I want and eating what I feel like. I think you need to treat yourself to a Sunday exploring Berlin alone. I recommend brunch in the TV Tower, insist on a window seat.

Zonder · 23/04/2022 18:25

You need to be open with her about this. Tell her you will pay for her food but you will keep a tally and then you can work out a plan for her paying you back over the next couple of months. Don't just write it off.

Fulmine · 23/04/2022 18:51

Dancingmoonlight · 23/04/2022 11:17

I made an agreement that I would pay for her meals, cheap places like a baguette or McDonald’s etc but not souvenirs, but each time we are going anywhere I feel like she’s deliberately picking the most expensive menu items.

We just went for a sandwich at a bakery for example lots of choices tuna, ham, cheese, salmon all around 6 euro- but she picked the steak one at 10 euro! Agh! I feel like I’m being pedantic.

I hope you're ostentatiously keeping a tally so that she can pay you back?

MissPolliezDolly · 23/04/2022 18:51

gettingolderandgrumpy · 23/04/2022 17:56

Your not serious or you haven’t read all the posts . She didn’t mention it till was at the airport.
She had been out recently .
when the op stupidly agreed to pay for food she orders the most expensive thing.
she’s angry and drops hints like my mum would like that perfume and I’d love a ice cream .
I really hope nobody tries to take you for a mug one day as you sound gullible.

Show quote history

I have read all of the posts and I suspect the majority of them are posted by people who’d never do what they’re suggesting to the OP. But even if it is their way of dealing with the situation it certainly isn’t mine.

She only mentioned it at the airport - she was probably scared by then and decided on the spur of the moment to do it there and then instead of in Berlin (as probably planned).

She’d been out - yes and probably spent her holiday money.

Is the OP stupid? No. I think she’s probably a ‘very decent quite rightly pissed off person’

Orders the most expensive things - she probably said thd first thing that came into her head after being offered something to eat.

Dropping hints - probably just embarrassed and saying in a daft way - I’m not always skint. And perhaps she thought an ice cream would be nice but forgot she had no money.

Am I gullible? No. I’m not. In fact I’m far from gullible. Food is life and I could never use it as a means of punishment or discrimination. What’s good enough for me is good enough for others and I’d rather divide my last pound fairly between two hungry people than eat 75 pence worth of food myself and give 25 pence worth to someone else.

That sits better with me as a way of life than being a wee pretend hard woman who posts on mumsnet saying go and buy her a jar of peanut butter and some bread because that will do the cheeky ……

Murdoch1949 · 23/04/2022 18:52

Good god, she's no friend. Enjoy your last day or so on your own, you've subsidised her enough, then end the friendship back home. She's used you, and will do again unless you draw a line.

phizog · 23/04/2022 18:52

MissPolliezDolly · 23/04/2022 17:14

I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things suggested by posters. Not because I’m a pushover because I’m not. I just couldn’t humiliate someone by making them eat differently to me for any reason.

The friend was wrong to go on holiday without spending money but perhaps she thought it was better that than cancelling the holiday altogether. Nothing she decides to do was going to be right.

Dear god. Someone you've known for 6 months invites you on a holiday. Doesn't save any money for said holiday. Shows up with nothing, yet expects to be treated to expensive/unnecessary things and sulks when it's not forthcoming. Not grateful at all. Doesn't suggest being cheap or frugal so you don't go bankrupt. So you would ruin your own holiday and deplete your funds so as to not 'humiliate' them? Why exactly? It doesn't make you a good person, just foolish. As they say, a fool and their money are soon parted.

Honestly, this is why con artists and chancers do what they do. It really isn't a virtue to be quite so giving - i wish women would realise that protecting the money you have worked hard for and not blindly trusting people you hardly know will stand you in much better stead. If money is burning a hole in your pocket, you can give it to the homeless or vulnerable who really need it. Not someone who wants you to buy pressies for her mum.

Maireas · 23/04/2022 19:01

Zonder · 23/04/2022 18:25

You need to be open with her about this. Tell her you will pay for her food but you will keep a tally and then you can work out a plan for her paying you back over the next couple of months. Don't just write it off.

She'll never get the money back. If it was a loan, the friend would have asked for a loan. She's asking to be subsidised.

starfishmummy · 23/04/2022 19:01

We just went for a sandwich at a bakery for example lots of choices tuna, ham, cheese, salmon all around 6 euro- but she picked the steak one at 10 euro! Agh! I feel like I’m being pedantic.

Be assertive. Your answer should have been "Sorry we're on a strict budget now my money has to stretch to both of us, which do you want - cheese or tuna?"(or whichever the cheaper options are). * *

Alwayspaintyournails · 23/04/2022 19:02

What are the plans for dinner tonight @Dancingmoonlight? Hope you are ok.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 23/04/2022 19:02

MissPolliezDolly · 23/04/2022 18:51

I have read all of the posts and I suspect the majority of them are posted by people who’d never do what they’re suggesting to the OP. But even if it is their way of dealing with the situation it certainly isn’t mine.

She only mentioned it at the airport - she was probably scared by then and decided on the spur of the moment to do it there and then instead of in Berlin (as probably planned).

She’d been out - yes and probably spent her holiday money.

Is the OP stupid? No. I think she’s probably a ‘very decent quite rightly pissed off person’

Orders the most expensive things - she probably said thd first thing that came into her head after being offered something to eat.

Dropping hints - probably just embarrassed and saying in a daft way - I’m not always skint. And perhaps she thought an ice cream would be nice but forgot she had no money.

Am I gullible? No. I’m not. In fact I’m far from gullible. Food is life and I could never use it as a means of punishment or discrimination. What’s good enough for me is good enough for others and I’d rather divide my last pound fairly between two hungry people than eat 75 pence worth of food myself and give 25 pence worth to someone else.

That sits better with me as a way of life than being a wee pretend hard woman who posts on mumsnet saying go and buy her a jar of peanut butter and some bread because that will do the cheeky ……

Show quote history

I bet cheeky fuckers just love you.

You've gone out of your way to try and excuse her behaviour by coming up with totally bizarre explanations. It's really quite something to see you try and make this women just an innocent, embarrassed ingenue rather than an entitled, cheeky selfish and person.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 23/04/2022 19:03

@MissPolliezDolly I meant the ops posts not every single comment from various people. Tbh if that’s your opinion more fool you . Not everyone is nice and honest and it worries me a little that you think that way .it’s lovely that you see the good in everyone but some people really aren’t like that and the ops friend is one of those .