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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How many sexual partners is too many?

152 replies

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:33

Hi, I'm looking for personal opinions and/or experiences here, no judgements made.
How many sexual partners is too much? And would u judge someone with a high number, especially if they were a potential partner?
A recent conversation with a friend sparked this debate. As a 31 year old single mum, professional careers, bought house etc, who lost her virginity at 16, had a 10 year relationship with ex (completely faithful), however also had many one night stands during my single years. This happened mainly out of avoidance of commitment etc, therefore in total I have slept with around 45 people, including many adventurous experiences along the way. I'm not ashamed of this, as these moments good or bad, were my choice, where I learned many different things. I'm pretty open about my past etc, however I could tell my friend was shocked and although played it down was judging my character for this. I've looked online but numbers were extremely low for average amounts so was curious and wanted to ask real woman x

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 23/04/2022 05:37

It depends on the persons perspectives as to what they are happy with.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:38

That's what I'm curious about what are other peoples genuine perspectives on this and if they've had similar experiences etc.

OP posts:
ticktockriojaoclock · 23/04/2022 05:39

How many sexual partners is too much?

I prefer one at a time.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:40

ticktockriojaoclock · 23/04/2022 05:39

How many sexual partners is too much?

I prefer one at a time.

Good preference, but how many in total?

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 23/04/2022 05:42

I'm older than you, and I had more than you in my misspent youth. Probably more than 60, over the 7 years from losing virginity until I got married. I'm not ashamed of those figures , but I wouldn't be telling people about it. My close old friends already know most of my past, but newer friends don't need to know stuff like that. And I know that people can be judgemental so I keep my past exploits to myself.

Pyri · 23/04/2022 05:43

However many is right for you. It’s absolutely no one else’s business.

Indoctro · 23/04/2022 05:44

I don't think that's too high, I think it's fine to have as many as you want. Everyone is different and as long as your faithful in relationships, that's what matters to me.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:44

starrynight21 · 23/04/2022 05:42

I'm older than you, and I had more than you in my misspent youth. Probably more than 60, over the 7 years from losing virginity until I got married. I'm not ashamed of those figures , but I wouldn't be telling people about it. My close old friends already know most of my past, but newer friends don't need to know stuff like that. And I know that people can be judgemental so I keep my past exploits to myself.

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Tbh I didn't think I had "a lot" and never really bothered about it but agree with your comment, keeping to close friends etc as Definetly experienced that judgement tonight, although I though they were a friend I could confide in x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:45

Pyri · 23/04/2022 05:43

However many is right for you. It’s absolutely no one else’s business.

I completely agree, however I've always pretty open about things, especially with my family etc so never thought anything of it, however I am noticing now it's more personal that I first thought x

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2022 05:47

It's better to stick to descriptors like 'double figures'. Keeps the judgy buggers away.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 23/04/2022 05:48

I think the quote was "Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di"...
👰👰👰👰💀

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:48

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2022 05:47

It's better to stick to descriptors like 'double figures'. Keeps the judgy buggers away.

Will definitely keep that for next time 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:49

pussycatlickinglollyices · 23/04/2022 05:48

I think the quote was "Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di"...
👰👰👰👰💀

Great answer, but I'm not smart enough to work out how many that would be lol good bad? X

OP posts:
SexEdInMy50s · 23/04/2022 05:57

I agree with one at a time!
and I liked to think that I am modern, and fairly non-judgmental - but am shocked at myself to find that I do think 45 is high… (very sorry, and please don’t be offended)

I lost my virginity at 17, and have been in 2 LTR (15 years+) and a couple of short term (few months). And in between, I’ve just counted up 5 ONS/flings so 9 in total at mid/late 50s…
But I hope that my sex life is not over, and I have some more fun before finally finding my forever partner.

I don’t think it possible to put a definitive ‘number’ on what is too many though… as long as you are being safe, and not cheating, or feeling ‘cheap or used’ afterwards then I say don’t worry.
Men certainly wouldn’t be judged badly for having a high number.

However, to try and answer your question, I would say anything over 20 sounds quite high…
and would advise you to be careful on who you share your real number with (especially potential partners, or anyone who might not be discreet) as so many people are judgemental

I would be very interested to hear other peoples numbers - and circumstances. Bearing in mind, lots of MNers will have married their high school sweethearts and be clutching their pearls at anything over 3…

SexEdInMy50s · 23/04/2022 05:59

pussycatlickinglollyices · 23/04/2022 05:48

I think the quote was "Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di"...
👰👰👰👰💀

Love that!
(4 weddings…)

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 06:02

SexEdInMy50s · 23/04/2022 05:57

I agree with one at a time!
and I liked to think that I am modern, and fairly non-judgmental - but am shocked at myself to find that I do think 45 is high… (very sorry, and please don’t be offended)

I lost my virginity at 17, and have been in 2 LTR (15 years+) and a couple of short term (few months). And in between, I’ve just counted up 5 ONS/flings so 9 in total at mid/late 50s…
But I hope that my sex life is not over, and I have some more fun before finally finding my forever partner.

I don’t think it possible to put a definitive ‘number’ on what is too many though… as long as you are being safe, and not cheating, or feeling ‘cheap or used’ afterwards then I say don’t worry.
Men certainly wouldn’t be judged badly for having a high number.

However, to try and answer your question, I would say anything over 20 sounds quite high…
and would advise you to be careful on who you share your real number with (especially potential partners, or anyone who might not be discreet) as so many people are judgemental

I would be very interested to hear other peoples numbers - and circumstances. Bearing in mind, lots of MNers will have married their high school sweethearts and be clutching their pearls at anything over 3…

Thank you for such an honest response, I'm not offended at all. Tbh majority of these were after a bad breakup, lost a lot of weight, got attention and fighting back. Break up was due to an affair so trust issues meant if I knew was one night only then I wouldn't be hurt afterwards lol these were on my own terms as could've been many more due to amount of offers etc too many desperate guys near me lol I have been lucky as safe and careful, never had any negative surprises lol saying that I have stayed clear from men for nearly 10 month due to drama, but all my actions were my choice.
I am now seeing exactly what you mention about perceptions and judgements, and will definitely staying quiet about my past until settled and trusting someone etc, however it's definitely interesting to see others opinions x

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 23/04/2022 06:05

pussycatlickinglollyices · 23/04/2022 05:48

I think the quote was "Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di"...
👰👰👰👰💀

Tbh I’d be more tempted to switch that saying around 😉

I wouldn’t discuss exact numbers with a partner, anyone asking is looking to judge one way or the other and I don’t think it’s something that should be up for someone else’s judgement.

As long as the individual is happy with their sexual encounters that’s all that matters, a number is irrelevant to anyone else and making a judgement on it one way or another feels quite teenage to me.

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 06:08

As long as you're happy with the number and the circumstances of your decisions, I don't care how many you have had.

I'm in my late 40s. I've had one. My partner has had one. I don't believe I will ever have another. I'm happy with that.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 06:08

Louding voice, I'm starting to agree with ur comment about potential partners asking to judge, however my conversation was just a friend and happened to creep into conversation. This led me to be curious about it, especially as I am looking to settle down again in near future and wanted best advice about it x

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 23/04/2022 06:09

But… having said all that for the purpose of the discussion I’d say at least 50, I honestly don’t know exactly and I’m happy with that.

I had an ‘interesting’ single 20s and had a lot of fun - I’m not ashamed of it, but I would question the motives of a man asking me.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 06:09

There is no such thing as too many. Really.
I would say don't share your number with anyone you think might judge you for it but ultimately they are wrong to judge so you shouldn't let it bother you.
my number is around 40 if you're interested!

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 06:10

LoudingVoice · 23/04/2022 06:05

Tbh I’d be more tempted to switch that saying around 😉

I wouldn’t discuss exact numbers with a partner, anyone asking is looking to judge one way or the other and I don’t think it’s something that should be up for someone else’s judgement.

As long as the individual is happy with their sexual encounters that’s all that matters, a number is irrelevant to anyone else and making a judgement on it one way or another feels quite teenage to me.

Show quote history

I think it could be relevant to future partners. I'd prefer not to be with someone with a high number for reasons I won't bother going into. It's not a judgement call on the morality of anyone though.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 06:11

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 06:08

As long as you're happy with the number and the circumstances of your decisions, I don't care how many you have had.

I'm in my late 40s. I've had one. My partner has had one. I don't believe I will ever have another. I'm happy with that.

Thank you for your positivity. It's great to hear how you and your partner feel, I see so many unfaithful people, all because they want the sexual experiences so knowing how you both are happy with only experiencing with 1 person is amazing.
Tbh when I was with my ex I could never imagine doing it with someone else, I was just unfortunate he didn't feel the same x

OP posts:
StarryEyed88 · 23/04/2022 06:13

I think the quote in the 90s was more than Mother Theresa, less than Princess Di.. 😬 the press didn’t always love her quite as much!

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 06:13

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 06:11

Thank you for your positivity. It's great to hear how you and your partner feel, I see so many unfaithful people, all because they want the sexual experiences so knowing how you both are happy with only experiencing with 1 person is amazing.
Tbh when I was with my ex I could never imagine doing it with someone else, I was just unfortunate he didn't feel the same x

Show quote history

We did get married in our teens, so it wasn't so hard to just have the one. I'm only interested in sex with an emotional connection. I know some people are happy to do it for the physical side alone, it's just not me. Whatever is right for the individual, right?