How many sexual partners is too many?

[Ajay96]

Hi, I'm looking for personal opinions and/or experiences here, no judgements made.
How many sexual partners is too much? And would u judge someone with a high number, especially if they were a potential partner?
A recent conversation with a friend sparked this debate. As a 31 year old single mum, professional careers, bought house etc, who lost her virginity at 16, had a 10 year relationship with ex (completely faithful), however also had many one night stands during my single years. This happened mainly out of avoidance of commitment etc, therefore in total I have slept with around 45 people, including many adventurous experiences along the way. I'm not ashamed of this, as these moments good or bad, were my choice, where I learned many different things. I'm pretty open about my past etc, however I could tell my friend was shocked and although played it down was judging my character for this. I've looked online but numbers were extremely low for average amounts so was curious and wanted to ask real woman x

I think I would just not give a figure and gloss over it rather than outright lie (oh, haven’t really thought to count - more than 10 but not that many) - if they are desperate to get a specific figure and push the matter then it speaks of jealousy and insecurity. However, if they had admitted sleeping with a lot of people then I wouldn’t bother hiding it.
I think you are right that most discussion is more about things you have/haven’t tried. Men will often want there to be something that is a first for you both to experience together. You may need to think up a new fantasy!!

I've lost count. When I was single, I was free to do as I wanted and I was safe with it. It was my life and I lived it how I wanted to, which is nobodies business but mine.

People will always find something to judge you on. Look at the tattoo thread responses. Ultimately if someone wants to judge me, that's their perogative. We're all entitled to our opinion. The people who don't judge and accept you for who you are, are the ones you want in your life. Not someone turning their nose up because 'it's not what they would do'.

I would say how recent they are is more important than the total number.

So a potential partner having a period 10 years ago with lots of partners wouldn’t bother me. Recently having lots might (Assuming I was looking for a relationship with this person rather than a fling) as it would suggest we wanted different things at the moment iyswim.

I’d say there needs to be an algorithm reducing the value over time for an adjusted total (but that’s the nerd in me showing!)

that being said I think I have one friend who knows my “number” who I’ve known since school and I wouldn’t share it with anyone else. My DH certainly doesn’t know and I wouldn’t answer if he asked (equally I don’t know his) as it’s just not relevant.

I think it's no one else's beeswax! Honestly what does it matter to someone else? Good old double standards are at play once more .a bloke would be getting a pat on the back and women are still judged !

I love your opinion on this, and totally agree with timing of experiences. Personally at the time my number was increasing quickly I wasn't looking for anything serious so was a red flag to any potential partners but now I've not added to my number in nearly a year, as now I'm focusing on myself with intention of settling down soon. So can fully understand why timing matters aswel.. x

The number is no one's business at all.

If you regret having sex with some of the people you've had sex with then work out what you need to learn from that but don't let that notch or any of the other notches be something you or anyone else gets het up about.

I'm more suspicious of people who can develop feelings for other people quickly and deeply. There's people who I know who have been engaged or declared love for someone after a couple of months, again and again. I wouldn't take them as genuine.
I think that we've got to stop telling women that they should be looking for relationships and viewing being in a relationship as a default. That makes women put up with a lot of crap from men.
I was Widowed, had three children. I had to rebuild our lives. I didn't want to move a man in, like I see so many others doing, but I still had a high sex drive. I had a few fuck buddies. I like threesomes and they arranged that. It was safe and consensual. I was late 30's, they were around 25. I had a really good time. We always get examples of women who have low self esteem/MH issues that have high numbers. There's more women who have low self esteem in bad relationships, many even allow the men to abuse their children.
I'm now post menopause, my sex drive isn't what it was and my current relationship suits me.
We don't have to go without sex because we don't want a relationship. There isn't something wrong with us because we don't want a relationship. We aren't the gatekeepers of sex. Some of the game playing and holding out for financial gain that women were told to do was so fucked up. I'm a private person so only a few people know about my sex life. My current partner knows some, I don't want to know all of his past. I don't agree that you have to lay yourself bare.

I remember the topic came up with DH, might have been a film or something someone else said. Some memories are nice to think back on, some give me an ick feeling, some are hazy. Neither of us knew exact numbers and gave up trying to estimate more than a range. I don't remember if we shared the ranges, but it isn't something I'd share generally with friends, there is always someone who's going to rush to strange judgement at more than 10. It doesn't matter, it was only sex.

I've also been very suspicious of those types of men, found they're typically guys who can't be alone and need a companion so will take anyone to fill that gap before moving on when find something better. I feel that connections needs to natural build up, but can be so hard these days to allow it to happen.
I also was like that, craves for the family life, found a man at 17 and thought that was me settled, and although not abusive I did put up with a lot more than I should've. Looking back I would've done so much differently, however I don't regret staying as we had a beautiful son just before we split up, he's my world now. I suppose this experience has created challenges for me as I am very wary of allowing anyone into our circle, mainly as It took so long for me to create a stable and loving family home, I don't want that ruined. I though my sex was good with my ex until I met up with an old flame, he exposed to many new kinks I realised I really enjoyed. Mixing these two together, aswell as a few other personal reasons led to many one night stands after our split. I had no intention of getting serious again, and made that very clear. Doing this I totally accept my number and the experiences that created it.
But now I am looking for relationship, but like urself I do not think mines will fit the stereotype that others perceive a couple to have. I need someone one same page as me, and it's great you have found someone that is x

What, 45 people!? That will never do as women aren't supposed to enjoy sex. It something men do to them isn't it?

Seriously though, what does it matter as long as you're staying safe and protecting yourself.

Times are changing and fun isn't exclusively for men anymore. Own it, enjoy it and don't be ashamed by it.

For the record I've had 4 partners and 0 one night stands.

I don't think I've ever told anyone how high the number is, it is no one's business and there isn't a too many figure providing they were all carried out through choice with consent.

Why does it matter? What 2 consenting adults get up to is up to them. People seem to like to analyse why people do things or think there must be more to it than just wanting to have sex witg someone.else who also wanted to have sex.

No one really asks blokes how many women they have slept with. But women must have low self esteem or loose morals for havung sex at all.

If you were single and it was all consensual then why are you even thinking abiut it.

I've slept with a fair few men. Some I wish I hadn't. Some left me feeling a bit shit. Some were a really nad or embarrassing idea. Some just make me laugh as I'm wtf was I thinking.

But I don't think i did anything wrong with any of thems morally.

And if honest it's probably the relationships that have made me feel the worst about myself at any time. Not the ONS.

My boss and I actually had a similar discussion a few weeks back. He was very much of the " get to know someone first " train of thought.

Me, I think i prefer seeing if you are compatible that way before you become too emotionally invested.

It really doesn’t matter but I guess there are plenty of people who will judge, My number is higher than yours, I enjoyed a lot of sex in my younger years and had a great time doing it, everyone knew the score and nobody got hurt.

It’s not something I have ever asked someone, simply because it’s none of my business, I’ve been married to DH for 10 years and we have never asked each other how many people we’ve slept with.

There's no positive reason why someone would ask you this question, it's still a clearly sexist notion rooted in misogynistic viewpoints that women who have sex by choice are somewhat bad people.

I utterly don't agree. In my experience some men just dont like women who aren't afraid to take what they want, and also, to not tolerate any bullshit, so are perceived as 'sleeping around' when the reality is they gave someone a chance, they behaved unacceptably and they got the swift boot up the rear.

To quote my favourite person, who is openly pan/poly everything sexual "sex ain't a sin' 😉

I have had just the one and am happy with this. If a friend disclosed a number at 40+ or zero I wouldn’t care or be shocked just so long as it was something they were happy and comfortable with themselves. Don’t over think whether your friend was shocked or not.

There's no positive reason why someone would ask you this question, it's still a clearly sexist notion rooted in misogynistic viewpoints that women who have sex by choice are somewhat bad people

I do have a theory not sure how accurate it is. But I do wonder if men are afraid of the competition so to speak. Afraid that you might have had someone who was better/more attentive/more sexualky fulfilling than they are. And the higher the number the higher the chance of that having happened?

It was indeed a ONS fir me that set the tone. I met someone who realky showed me what all the fuss was about. Without him, without those encounters , witg someone in my head telling me it shouldn't be this way you dont kmow him etc I dont know what i would have experienced or put up with . How long I'd have gone with no idea how things could or should be.

Maybe it's inaccurate who knows but that's my theory anyway

It's irrelevant. You don't have to disclose it to anyone. I've been with my husband for over 10 years and we've never asked for figures. Same with other exes. Id also say I'm a pretty open and honest person.

I wouldn’t answer any friend or partner who asked me that question, in my mind there is no reason to be asked that kind of question by them other than to judge you, either way. As long as you look after your sexual health it’s no one else’s business.

I don’t think it’s high

I'm amazed how many people seem to discuss this kind of thing with friends. I'm obviously more private than I thought!

It's a personal thing I think.
45 sounds very high to me and isn't what I'd want in a partner but I don't see it as an objective value judgement, just as a sign of someone I'm probably not compatible with.

I'm 31, mine is 10 before my current partner who I've been with for 2 years

I have a vague idea of how many my friends have slept with but it's not really something we discuss generally. Not my business i guess.
I think it would put me off if a guy said something like 200.
But if someone judges you for it they aren't for you anyway

I didn't want to know how many partners dh had had before we met, he wasn't keen on knowing my past on that front either. We were still in our teens when we met, so long as none added after we met all is good. DH is the only one I've loved so he can feel special.

I know couples who met young and only been with eachother and others that have clocked up triple figures, all seem happy enough.

Me and DH are swingers and have been for some years now, I'd be curious to know how many we've slept with. I bet it's a lot. I would never judge anyone for the amount of sexual partners they've had, one at a time or otherwise!