Page 5 | How many sexual partners is too many?

Ajay96 · 2022-04-23T04:33:45+00:00

Hi, I'm looking for personal opinions and/or experiences here, no judgements made. How many sexual partners is too much? And would u judge someone with a high number, especially if they were a potential partner? A recent conversation with a friend sparked this debate. As a 31 year old single mum, professional careers, bought house etc, who lost her virginity at 16, had a 10 year relationship with ex (completely faithful), however also had many one night stands during my single years. This happened mainly out of avoidance of commitment etc, therefore in total I have slept with around 45 people, including many adventurous experiences along the way. I'm not ashamed of this, as these moments good or bad, were my choice, where I learned many different things. I'm pretty open about my past etc, however I could tell my friend was shocked and although played it down was judging my character for this. I've looked online but numbers were extremely low for average amounts so was curious and wanted to ask real woman x

RelativePitch · 23/04/2022 09:33

I'm in my late 40s. I stopped counting when I got into 50s. I had a bloody good time! Met DP in our early 30s and have I been perfectly content and faithful. We've never asked each other the question. My friends know, but then again they had quite colourful lives too.

Pyri · 23/04/2022 09:40

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 23/04/2022 09:33

Me and DH are swingers and have been for some years now, I'd be curious to know how many we've slept with. I bet it's a lot. I would never judge anyone for the amount of sexual partners they've had, one at a time or otherwise!

You need to do an AMA!!

TippledPink · 23/04/2022 09:44

OH had only slept with his ex-wife before me, he finds it difficult to comprehend that I have slept with a lot more people than that! In fact just before we got married he really freaked out about it (we had already been together 6 years by then, completely faithful). It's ridiculous, numbers really don't matter.

Lockheart · 23/04/2022 09:44

As long as everyone is happy and consenting and you take sufficient precautions against pregnancy and STIs then there is no such thing as "too many".

Sleeping with many partners or none at all does not diminish you.

Besttobe8001 · 23/04/2022 09:47

I've had hundreds, sometimes more than one at a time. I wouldn't answer the question from a partner and would be suspect of why they had asked. It doesn't diminish my worth - I'm happy, healthy (always use protection and regular testing) and a good person.

honeylulu · 23/04/2022 10:01

45 sounds high to me but only because I have to feel a strong attraction to someone to want sex with them and that's not been the case that often. However I don't think that means it's high for you (or anyone necessarily) as long as you're happy about it. That's the important thing!

I have a friend who has had more partners than you. She says she actually didn't even enjoy the sex much or at all but did it because it validated her attractiveness and good-time girl image. Unfortunately she was often down and tearful afterwards saying she felt cheap and used. I definitely thought she had "too many" partners because it seemed to be doing her more harm than good. If she had loved it though I would probably have thought "good for her". Luckily she has a nice long term partner now (and is happy).

Other people can be judgmental though, like it or not. But that still doesn't mean your number is "too high" if you feel it's right for you. My sister has only ever had one partner and I'm sure she judges me for having more (less than 10) - people tend to set their judgement from their own "normal". But if you don't like the judgement, just don't tell!

Discovereads · 23/04/2022 10:06

I wouldn’t judge per se as that’s a morality question and I don’t think any number of partners is too many. Could be thousands for all I care. But I would still want them to get full STI tests done before sleeping with them, purely from a practical risk mitigation standpoint. I know that might seem harsh or cold, but I’m logical like that.

Florenz · 23/04/2022 10:07

When is more of an issue than how many. A 30 year old woman who had 100 sexual partners, 90 while at school and uni, and a few boyfriends since then, the last of which became her husband, is a lot different to a 30 year old woman who has had 100 sexual partners, 7-8 every year since she was 16.

Furrbabymama87 · 23/04/2022 10:13

It's different for everyone. I probably slept with a few less than you. I lost my virginity at 14 and was then active from then on. I was promiscuous in my 20s ( explains why I've got so many kids) and then met my husband at 28 so from then on it was just him. I know women who've slept with loads more than that and women who have slept with one or two men. As long as you enjoyed yourself, it's no one else's business.

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 10:15

Do you judge her negatively for having fewer?

ABearyNiceDay · 23/04/2022 10:22

I don't think it matters, I have no idea how many people I have slept with (including raped whilst unconscious and way too out of it so know what was happening at parties as a teen) and wouldn't be interested in a relationship with anyone who focuses on it. Anyone who asks, I'd say I have no idea, I don't count it like its some sort of trophy case....

I really don't think it matters, along as it is safe and consented.

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 10:39

Besttobe8001 · 23/04/2022 09:47

I've had hundreds, sometimes more than one at a time. I wouldn't answer the question from a partner and would be suspect of why they had asked. It doesn't diminish my worth - I'm happy, healthy (always use protection and regular testing) and a good person.

It doesn't diminish you at all but, I admit, I might look surprised if you told me. I suppose that could be interpreted as judgement but it's really just I can't relate to it at all. I think most people are probably more sexually motivated than me in general.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 23/04/2022 10:43

The only sexual partner that is "too many" is the one that you didn't consent to sex with.

It's your body, and the number of people you voluntarily choose to share it with is not important.

Fraaahnces · 23/04/2022 11:05

Okay… this is painful to admit. I could tell you the number of men I have had consensual sex with. It’s neither here nor there if this is data gathering for the DM. However, I was given a spiked soft drink when I was 14 at a birthday party. I was taken away from the premises and I have no idea how many people raped me. (I am so very grateful that this was before mobile phones!!!) I don’t WANT to know. All I know is that it was violent and humiliating, and there were many men there. That was my first sexual experience and I need to keep those memories as repressed as possible.

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 11:16

Besttobe8001 · 23/04/2022 09:47

I've had hundreds, sometimes more than one at a time. I wouldn't answer the question from a partner and would be suspect of why they had asked. It doesn't diminish my worth - I'm happy, healthy (always use protection and regular testing) and a good person.

I can’t see why it would have any bearing on your character, as long as it’s what’s making you happy and you are safe it really doesn’t matter

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 11:18

Fraaahnces · 23/04/2022 11:05

Okay… this is painful to admit. I could tell you the number of men I have had consensual sex with. It’s neither here nor there if this is data gathering for the DM. However, I was given a spiked soft drink when I was 14 at a birthday party. I was taken away from the premises and I have no idea how many people raped me. (I am so very grateful that this was before mobile phones!!!) I don’t WANT to know. All I know is that it was violent and humiliating, and there were many men there. That was my first sexual experience and I need to keep those memories as repressed as possible.

What a terrifying experience, those evil bastards don’t count and they should be the ones carrying the shame/humiliation not you.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 23/04/2022 11:26

@Fraaahnces I am so very sorry that happened to you. It's for you how you decide to think about what happened to you that day, but to me those men weren't "sexual partners", they committed acts of violence against you that have nothing to do with any consensual sex you may have had in your life.

I hope you have had support and are in a decent place now.

CharSiu · 23/04/2022 11:31

People can do what they like in my opinion because it does not personally affect me. I have had children and am married but my number makes me literally a puritan but I never casually dated.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/04/2022 11:39

I can't imagine any conversation where it would come up. If a man wants to know how many partners you've had, that's a good sign to bin them for somebody less controlling/creepy and if a woman asks - seriously? What reason would they want to know? To be able to look down on you? To have gossip?

DP has never asked, I've never asked him - it's not a secret that we have to keep, it's just not relevant. The only thing that is relevant is sexual health. Doesn't matter if it was one person or five hundred, it's the health side that they would have a right to know. Nothing else.

Besttobe8001 · 23/04/2022 12:07

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 10:39

It doesn't diminish you at all but, I admit, I might look surprised if you told me. I suppose that could be interpreted as judgement but it's really just I can't relate to it at all. I think most people are probably more sexually motivated than me in general.

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Sexually motivated is a really good way of putting it! Somehow Mumsnet thinks it's 'grim' or whatever to care about sex but it's high on my list of priorities because

Besttobe8001 · 23/04/2022 12:08

I enjoy it! Pressed Post too soon 🙂

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/04/2022 12:10

I think I've had about 12 but I had two relationships one between 18 and 21 and the other 21-now (I'm 41) so I lost my virginity at 16 so that is 10 in about a year and a half.

Clymene · 23/04/2022 12:14

As many as you want.

WildCoasts · 24/04/2022 00:25

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/04/2022 11:39

I can't imagine any conversation where it would come up. If a man wants to know how many partners you've had, that's a good sign to bin them for somebody less controlling/creepy and if a woman asks - seriously? What reason would they want to know? To be able to look down on you? To have gossip?

DP has never asked, I've never asked him - it's not a secret that we have to keep, it's just not relevant. The only thing that is relevant is sexual health. Doesn't matter if it was one person or five hundred, it's the health side that they would have a right to know. Nothing else.

And that's why that conversation might come up. Sexual health. As a woman who has only ever had one partner (with a partner who has only ever had one partner), I feel pretty safe in terms of sexual health. To suddenly sleep with someone who has had many partners is a huge leap for me. If they have had sexual contact with many people, I feel like that could significantly increase my sexual health risks. I explained before what the nurse taught us about that. I suppose I wouldn't want a number but I would like an idea of few or many as that feels like something that might affect me. I don't care about the number but I do want to be able to make decisions that affect my own health. If I'd had many I wouldn't need to know as it wouldn't make any difference to me personally.

Not that it will make any difference as my partner is going to be my one and only.

WildCoasts · 24/04/2022 00:27

Fraaahnces · 23/04/2022 11:05

Okay… this is painful to admit. I could tell you the number of men I have had consensual sex with. It’s neither here nor there if this is data gathering for the DM. However, I was given a spiked soft drink when I was 14 at a birthday party. I was taken away from the premises and I have no idea how many people raped me. (I am so very grateful that this was before mobile phones!!!) I don’t WANT to know. All I know is that it was violent and humiliating, and there were many men there. That was my first sexual experience and I need to keep those memories as repressed as possible.

I'm sorry that happened to you. That is in no way your fault and you have no responsibility for it. I'm with the others who say those awful men don't count as sexual partners if you don't perceive it that way.