How many sexual partners is too many?

[Ajay96]

Hi, I'm looking for personal opinions and/or experiences here, no judgements made.
How many sexual partners is too much? And would u judge someone with a high number, especially if they were a potential partner?
A recent conversation with a friend sparked this debate. As a 31 year old single mum, professional careers, bought house etc, who lost her virginity at 16, had a 10 year relationship with ex (completely faithful), however also had many one night stands during my single years. This happened mainly out of avoidance of commitment etc, therefore in total I have slept with around 45 people, including many adventurous experiences along the way. I'm not ashamed of this, as these moments good or bad, were my choice, where I learned many different things. I'm pretty open about my past etc, however I could tell my friend was shocked and although played it down was judging my character for this. I've looked online but numbers were extremely low for average amounts so was curious and wanted to ask real woman x

I'm going to be the odd one out here and say that I won't answer the question, as it's my business.

Unless you meet someone who married their childhood sweetheart, and are now sadly widowed, you'll find that most people have a past.

And I'm a believer in that's where it should stay.....

Does it matter? The importance should be on the relationship going forward.

FWIW I've had 6 and have been in a LTR for 32 years. All my previous partners were when I was between 16 and 18.

As long as you, and your partners, are safe, doesn't matter in the slightest. Anyone who judges isn't worth a light, forget it.

The health angle in this is just so wrong. For those particularly anxious - ask for a sexual health test. That's all.
Not to consider somebody for a serious relationship because they had multiple partners say... 20 years ago?...on the health risk basis is just ingenuine.

It's OK to judge and not have a relationship with someone for any reason whatsoever but it's malicious to use health as a cover. It feeds in to the oppression of sexuality by peddling the "pure vs dirty" myth.

I used to work as an escort. Have never had ANY sexual health problems. And I'm HPV free (which cannot be said about my friend who's had 2 partners thus far in her life).

979

It is nobody else’s business.

However, I would rather sleep with someone that had been with 40 women casually, used a condom and got regularly tested than someone who had been in 8 relationships and had never been tested and didn’t use a condom because they ‘trusted’ their partner as they were in a relationship. I have found that a lot of the latter exist and say they’ve never had a reason to be tested.

I wouldn't put a number on it, have sex with as many people as you feel comfortable with.

Is HPV part of the standard sexual health test for men though? Can you even test a man for that? (I admit to being ignorant of these things as I've never had to think about it to find out).

I admit the information I was given is a bit of 30 years old and, on the basis of what we were taught at the time, I was quite slack about my own PAP smears over the years due to lack of perceived risk in my own personal situation. I don't think that was a good thing really.

I've had around 50. From losing my virginity age 14 to meeting my husband aged 27. The way society makes me feel that I should be embarrassed about that number and I am, even though I know I shouldn't be. To be fair the majority were drunken mistakes when I was young and sadly there are more than a few that took total advantage of me when drunk and that was seen as OK at the time but looking back it really wasn't. I think some of my friendship circle have more than double than me but some have less than than 5.

Do people count? I don't actually know the exact number but it's low enough that I'm not even sure if I've hit double figures. I knew when I'd had three, after that I think I stopped caring.

Breaking it down you have been sexually active for 15 years. You spent 10 of those having sex with 1 man, so you’ve basically had sex with 44 people in the 5 years you were single which is roughly a new person every 1-2 months

And overall I think that seems normal in today’s society eg with online dating/one night stands

but I can also see why some would think that’s a high number especially if they have been in long term relationships as they can’t relate. Let’s be honest, women will get judged for thus more harshly than men

overall though it’s not actually relevant and you shouldn’t be judged for it. Many men have significantly higher “body counts” and no one gives a shit. I would say that if you feel uncomfortable with your number or other’s reactions, just keep it to yourself. It’s no one’s business and it’s not like they have any way to find out the truth so you shouldn’t feel compelled to tell them

I really don't understand why anyone would ask you this OP. It's irrelevant.

Sorry I'm just catching up with replies. Thank you all for sharing your own personal views, these are all very interesting to read. It's lovely to see all the very unique stories people have, it's helped confirm my thoughts on there's no right or wrong answer, it's what you feel is right for you, the same way u chose to discuss or not discuss the topic.

This was a hypothetical scenario, on wether you would judge a potential partner on there sexual partners, not about someone else asking you.

Sorry if is was misleading to some x

It was part of a conversation I was having with a friend, discussing relationships, dating etc the things you gossip about with friends, we moved on talking about different sexual experiences we had had, and the number came out. Therefore wasn't a direct question, it's the way the conversation led. I don't know if her reaction was because she thought it was high in general or because she didn't expect me to like fun at the weekend, as I am a professional during the week (stereotyping at its finest).
This led me to wonder how others felt that's all

There's no 'too many' whatever the number is your past and can't regret any of it so be proud of being a 30 year old virgin or a 30 year old with 300 partners. Doesn't make a difference

Well, it certainly makes me wonder if I'm a bit odd! I want a partner in life I can be myself with, who doesn't judge, who accepts me as I am and who I can be vulnerable with (and who feels the same about me). There seems to be a lot more reserve in most people's relatioonships.

@WildCoasts when I first met my ex I told a few white lies in fear of judgement, it soon bit me in the ass. we stayed together for 10 year and a few years in a slipped up admiring something I previously denied. My ex was more annoyed and upset I lied because I was worried what he thought and that I couldn't trust and confide in him. I totally understood his point of view, since then I've always been open, it's allowed me to experience new things, without that feel of shame etc. Tbh during discussions about sexual experience with guys, they've Definetly played down experiences in fear of judge them as a fuck boy, they never seem to understand I don't care what the number is, it's more about being honest, be yourself. If u don't like ur mum etc as others have said don't disclose it,

Please excuse the misogynistic language. It's to illustrate why I disagree with you that numbers are more important than actual behaviour.

So you aren't Used Goods. But somebody else is. Not on the basis of the actual risk (use of barrier methods) but purely on the basis of being with more than one person.

You could have been cheated on and have something because you've not used condoms for many years. But because of the old fashioned misogynistic notions of financial value of a female being diminished/shop soiling as a result of having sex with more than one person, you think that you're safer and somebody else is a risk because they've been with more of those less pure women.

It's use of condoms, having checks, not using iv drugs, not having dodgy backstreet tattoos, not assuming that because the one wo/man says s/he's never cheated/has only ever slept with one other wo/man who was also a virgin and totally chaste outside their relationship, s/he's safe, that determines the real risk to health.

It's never the number in a bed. It's the behaviour in that bed.

This is my POV too.

I've had the one, but he was abusive. I've been healing pretty well from that relationship, and would be interested in dating again. Numbers are irrelevant to me, not my business.

2 and married both very happy as have been for 40 years! I’m not a judgy sort of person at all! Each to their own! I will just add I didn’t marry both at same time 😜

@CambsAlways You have great luck on your hands woman! Now go and play lottery! 😁
Maybe my frustration tolerance is on the lower side but more often than the wedding bells I get the ick (or a strange story to tell) after the first encounter with someone!

Queen Camilla! Unfortunately I don’t even get one number on the lottery so no luck there I’m afraid🤣 you will get there, x

@WildCoasts

The thing is, HPV is so common that nearly every sexually active person will have it at some point in their lives. Yes, at some point! Because most (9 out of 10) immune systems clear it within a year or two.
There are also vaccines these days.

It definitely isn't something that would sway people towards staying a virgin.

Some sex results in pregnancies. I don't want anymore children. The sure fire way to ensure that, is to completely abstain. Well just imagine if we'd all start doing that!

i actually have no idea how many men my friends have slept with. I could probably have a guess; but no idea if I’d actually be right.

i don’t think any number is too high really, as long as the sex was consensual.

my number is very low (single digits) as I met DH at 22

Depends on what are your reference criteria.

If you listen to some fundamentalists, more than one for our whole life is a no-no.

If you want a statistically significant sample of what's on offer before "buying" / committing to one you would need to test ride about 30 men/ women (depending on preferences)

If you have as principle that variety is the spice of life, then when you start getting the same type of partners as the previous ones, it means you got too many of them.

If you have them at the same time, I found the praticable limit to be three, preferably not with similar names.