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Original poster

How many sexual partners is too many?

152 replies

Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 05:33

Hi, I'm looking for personal opinions and/or experiences here, no judgements made.
How many sexual partners is too much? And would u judge someone with a high number, especially if they were a potential partner?
A recent conversation with a friend sparked this debate. As a 31 year old single mum, professional careers, bought house etc, who lost her virginity at 16, had a 10 year relationship with ex (completely faithful), however also had many one night stands during my single years. This happened mainly out of avoidance of commitment etc, therefore in total I have slept with around 45 people, including many adventurous experiences along the way. I'm not ashamed of this, as these moments good or bad, were my choice, where I learned many different things. I'm pretty open about my past etc, however I could tell my friend was shocked and although played it down was judging my character for this. I've looked online but numbers were extremely low for average amounts so was curious and wanted to ask real woman x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 06:49

PatientlyWaiting21 · 23/04/2022 06:46

It’s only too many if you think it’s too many, never compare yourself to others.

This was my thoughts, I was just curious of others x

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Fraaahnces · 23/04/2022 06:49

Sorry to be flippant directly after the STI comment… I know someone who married her childhood sweetheart and was faithful to him. Of course he came home from a work trip abroad with an incurable souvenir for her and gaslit her for nearly a year before he admitted that he had been playing STI Russian Roulette for years behind her back. (Bastard.) Of course they had been trying to conceive as well. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

LoveAllCakes · 23/04/2022 06:53

I don’t care how many partners someone has had its not any ones business but their own. I worked with a young woman who felt obliged to sleep with everyone she went on a date with, even when she thought he was a prat. She was so lovely and it turned out she’d had quite a traumatic childhood with her mother being a sex worker and so she ended up living with her grandparents. A 20 something man we worked with set her up with a couple of his mates as a sure thing, utter arsehole. After watching the Ulrika documentary at the time there were behavioural similarities and I think there was an element of sex addiction. It was a bit sad because you could see she wasn’t happy. Haven’t thought about her for years, I hope she’s happy now.
My no. is 1 and my DH is 4. I’m 50. I don’t tell many people because I worry about being questioned about it and them thinking I’m some whiter than white prude.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 06:53

Fraaahnces · 23/04/2022 06:49

Sorry to be flippant directly after the STI comment… I know someone who married her childhood sweetheart and was faithful to him. Of course he came home from a work trip abroad with an incurable souvenir for her and gaslit her for nearly a year before he admitted that he had been playing STI Russian Roulette for years behind her back. (Bastard.) Of course they had been trying to conceive as well. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Aww so sorry to hear this about your friend. This was my worst nightmare when I found out my ex had an affair, luckily we were in the clear but some people aren't and it's such a shame x

OP posts:
ZealAndArdour · 23/04/2022 06:58

To steal a quote from Mean Girls - “The limit does not exist”.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 06:59

LoveAllCakes · 23/04/2022 06:53

I don’t care how many partners someone has had its not any ones business but their own. I worked with a young woman who felt obliged to sleep with everyone she went on a date with, even when she thought he was a prat. She was so lovely and it turned out she’d had quite a traumatic childhood with her mother being a sex worker and so she ended up living with her grandparents. A 20 something man we worked with set her up with a couple of his mates as a sure thing, utter arsehole. After watching the Ulrika documentary at the time there were behavioural similarities and I think there was an element of sex addiction. It was a bit sad because you could see she wasn’t happy. Haven’t thought about her for years, I hope she’s happy now.
My no. is 1 and my DH is 4. I’m 50. I don’t tell many people because I worry about being questioned about it and them thinking I’m some whiter than white prude.

I completely understand how she felt, there is an assumption now a days that casual drinks/ chill etc will lead to more. I learned this early on so have been lucky enough I had confidence to discuss intentions in advance, especially when I wanted more but they wanted 1 thing, no point wasting each other time, or give versus them wanting more but I didn't.. I have always been clear about feelings when interacting with a man, some like it some don't but it keeps me right.
It's interesting hearing the other side about low numbers. As I have friends similar to you and they're regular questioned about experience etc, finding what the like of never tried anything else lol suppose people will judge no matter what x

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daretodenim · 23/04/2022 07:02

I've got a different take on this.

No number is too high. I'm leaving a marriage where my partner wouldn't touch me after we got married. His sex drive was fine before, but not high. We got married 13 years ago. In the first year of marriage we had sex 3 times - nothing before the 8 month mark. Then another four times before I conceived. Then once or twice to conceive second DC. Second DC turns 9 this year and that conception was the last time.

I have found myself reevaluating the idea that there's some kind of ok number or even ideal number of partners. My own number pre marriage would have been higher but I was worried about it being too high, so had fuck buddies to keep the number down! 😉

I now think people should be out having all the fun they want, as often as they want. But I would assume someone who has very high numbers - I'm talking in the three digits (and beyond!) - is going for quantity over quality and that is a sign that they're using sex to mask something. Or they're in some kind of online competition. Both of which I find unhealthy.

The answer to the question btw is "Enough for me." Because people do judge. But goodness knows why these days.

Merryclaire · 23/04/2022 07:02

I think the number discussion has probably come up in every relationship I’ve ever been in but I don’t any recall friends asking me - I can’t see why it would matter to a friend unless they were worried they weren’t adventurous enough and wanted more experience themselves!
With men, I think they are probably checking how much experience you have to compare them to! If I’m honest, in a new relationship I would downplay mine without outright lying. It never comes up again after the initial chat.
I don’t think your number sounds excessive but everyone thinks differently. Experience can be a good thing, but when you’re in a meaningful relationship all of your past encounters won’t matter.

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 07:04

LoudingVoice · 23/04/2022 06:17

Doesn’t mean that future partner has to answer, someone can ask, personally I wouldn’t answer and if they didn’t like that would be for them to deal with not me.

Show quote history

That's fair, you don't need to answer and if someone doesn't like it, they can move on. I'm a very open person and I don't think I would want to be with someone who wasn't also very open. If there's nothing to be ashamed of, what's the problem? I'm thinking of a serious long term relationship when I say that though.

TulipsHere · 23/04/2022 07:06

I think it's your own personal choice. I've had one so if you were telling me about how many you had I would probably look a little shocked but I'd still 100% believe that it's your own personal choice and nothing to do with me. Don't assume an initial shocked face meant she was judging you Smile

LoveAllCakes · 23/04/2022 07:08

@Ajay96 it was just circumstances, I have an older brother who treated girls quite badly and seeing his behaviour made me very cynical about mens intentions. Just happened that the first person I did sleep with I ended up marrying.

NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 23/04/2022 07:12

If you told me 100 the only thing I'd think is good for you and I hope you had fun.
The number itself is meaningless, its out of context and no one else's business anyway.

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 07:13

JoeGio · 23/04/2022 06:30

I have never answered the question, and don't actually see how the number itself could be relevant to a future partner.
I can see how a partner would want to know if you've previously slept with his friends, or if you have a sexually transmitted disease, or if you've had sexual experiences which might have caused trauma that they might trigger... but the number itself? No one else's business.

To me, as a potential future partner, it is relevant. Way back on my last day of school, we had a visiting nurse come and talk to us about sex and being safe and all manner of sexual health issues. One thing we were told was that it didn't matter if we had no sexual partners, if we slept with someone who had previous partners, we were also exposing ourselves to the risks and sexual histories of those people's partners. This was primarily relating to HPV (no vaccine then) which condoms don't stop you being exposed to. So if I sleep with Joe and Joe has had two partners, and they have had however many partners, we ran a cumulative risk). That stuck with me so I have always felt like the sexual history of a partner is my concern because it has implications for my health and exposure risk.

That's not a moral judgement. Purely a health concern that was drummed into me way back.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 07:14

LoveAllCakes · 23/04/2022 07:08

@Ajay96 it was just circumstances, I have an older brother who treated girls quite badly and seeing his behaviour made me very cynical about mens intentions. Just happened that the first person I did sleep with I ended up marrying.

That's exactly my life, my brother followed in my dads footsteps. Although was always a gentlemen to woman, showering with affection etc, they both cheated often and had no respect for their feelings etc. They're actions were positive on me though as made me realise early on that I was worth more, never let a man treat me like crap. I thought I found that man at 17 but 10 years later I caught him having affair, I left that day and never looked back.
I'm happy to hear you had a different more positive experience though x

OP posts:
Snowraingain · 23/04/2022 07:16

Why on earth would anyone ask? People are so weird about sex. I haven’t counted and if I did I would never tell anyone.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 07:18

Merryclaire · 23/04/2022 07:02

I think the number discussion has probably come up in every relationship I’ve ever been in but I don’t any recall friends asking me - I can’t see why it would matter to a friend unless they were worried they weren’t adventurous enough and wanted more experience themselves!
With men, I think they are probably checking how much experience you have to compare them to! If I’m honest, in a new relationship I would downplay mine without outright lying. It never comes up again after the initial chat.
I don’t think your number sounds excessive but everyone thinks differently. Experience can be a good thing, but when you’re in a meaningful relationship all of your past encounters won’t matter.

I completely understand your thinking of downplaying things to new partners at first, however how do u correct this if gets serious. For example when I met my ex, we were going talking about prior experiences etc, was more focused on things we liked and wanted to try etc. I lied initially about an encounter, didn't want him to see me differently, I had to keep lieing when became serious until I slipped up one day and admired to it. It cause a huge arguememt, not that I done something, but because I lied about it. I didn't know how deal with it at the time, but I knew he was upset and I had no reason behind my actions x

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WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 07:24

Would most people consider it embarrassing that I've only had one? I know I'll never have another. DH is it for me.

Alightjacket · 23/04/2022 07:25

I'm trying to work out where you had the time for 45 considering you were in a 10 year relationship years and are only 31! But I couldn't care less how many people anyone has slept with. All adults and as long as it's safe it's fine with me. I hope you had a good time! I know I did!
I'm a bit older than you, and in the lower end of double figures, maybe 18-20ish, I can't fully remember. I had a great time in my early 20's, then met my now husband at 26 and calmed down.

User135644 · 23/04/2022 07:25

I'd say it's too many only when you can't be honest with your current partner about it.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 07:26

Alightjacket · 23/04/2022 07:25

I'm trying to work out where you had the time for 45 considering you were in a 10 year relationship years and are only 31! But I couldn't care less how many people anyone has slept with. All adults and as long as it's safe it's fine with me. I hope you had a good time! I know I did!
I'm a bit older than you, and in the lower end of double figures, maybe 18-20ish, I can't fully remember. I had a great time in my early 20's, then met my now husband at 26 and calmed down.

Looking back I thought the same, but as single mum I made full use of my one free night a week 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

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Sausagedognamedmash · 23/04/2022 07:29

Since losing my virginity at 17 I have been in 2 LTR and have only been properly single for less than 1 year of those 15 years. I have slept with 8 people. Most were ONS or a few week flings.

If I hadn't met DH at the end of what is affectionately known amongst my friends as 'the summer of fun', my number would be much higher as I was having a great time just exploring after being with my first partner from 16-20. Clearly life had other plans.

If you have enjoyed yourself and everything is consentual then numbers really don't matter, it could be 1 or 1000 and it is of no consequence to anyone except you. However sex is still a taboo subject, or women enjoying sex with many people is anyway, so someone will always judge.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/04/2022 07:31

Numbers are irrelevant. I'd judge anyone who judges people by how many sexual partners they'd had.

balalake · 23/04/2022 07:34

The judgment should be on the way you treat sexual partners, so faithfulness to wives or husbands, and in other ways. I'll judge someone who dumps their wife or husband for someone younger, I'll judge serial adulterers, I'll judge those who abuse partners, wives or husbands.

Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 07:34

Sausagedognamedmash · 23/04/2022 07:29

Since losing my virginity at 17 I have been in 2 LTR and have only been properly single for less than 1 year of those 15 years. I have slept with 8 people. Most were ONS or a few week flings.

If I hadn't met DH at the end of what is affectionately known amongst my friends as 'the summer of fun', my number would be much higher as I was having a great time just exploring after being with my first partner from 16-20. Clearly life had other plans.

If you have enjoyed yourself and everything is consentual then numbers really don't matter, it could be 1 or 1000 and it is of no consequence to anyone except you. However sex is still a taboo subject, or women enjoying sex with many people is anyway, so someone will always judge.

This was me when I met my ex aswell, although only 17 I was out partying every weekend, loving life, started chatting to more boys, a few one night stands. We met and that stopped immediately, although I still went out I had no intention to go elsewhere, having a man at home kept me on straight and narrow. Although that fell apart and I done exactly what I would've done at 17, luckily I was older and more clued up, kept myself safe etc.
Completely agree with sex being a taboo, I've never felt that way but I see others do that's why I find hard to see what's appropriate and what's not. It's interesting hearing others views though x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajay96 · 23/04/2022 07:35

balalake · 23/04/2022 07:34

The judgment should be on the way you treat sexual partners, so faithfulness to wives or husbands, and in other ways. I'll judge someone who dumps their wife or husband for someone younger, I'll judge serial adulterers, I'll judge those who abuse partners, wives or husbands.

This is my view aswell, these actions and things that impact a future relationship.

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