Grandparents never take DC out

[Cherrybizarre]

Basically my DM has never taken my children anywhere (they’re 6 and 7). Never a day out, to the park, soft play, anything. For context she is in her mid 50s, doesn’t work (doesn’t need to), drives and owns a car.
She will have them for regular sleep overs (1 or 2 a month) but I drop them and collect them, and she doesn’t really do anything when they’re there. They just watch tv etc before going to bed. When they wake they don’t really do anything either then I come and get them. They do like it there though.

I don’t expect them to be taken out by anyone other than me, but AIBU to find it unusual for a grandparent to never do so? She makes no secret that she regards herself a wonderful grandmother so I just find it a little odd.

OP there is a theme in your describing your mum as doing 'nothing' because she doesn't take the kids to the park or expensive activities and saying that you can't do anything with the babysitting hours as you can't afford drinks/ meals our (expensive activities). Most people's activities are socialising are very low cost much of the time. So activities with grandparents might be reading a book together, helping make porridge at breakfast, watching TV together - all legit activities and the sort my MIL did with my kids. Socialising can be sharing a bottle of wine with a friend at their/ your house (1/2 a bottle of wine will not make it dangerous to drive 10 hours later). I think you might find it helpful to reconsider what actually is doing 'something' as there is a lot of pressure put on everything when only the expensive things count.

Do you really not see how that comes across as scoffing and dismissive?

My grandparents put in a lot of effort with me too - it's actually quite offensive for you to suggest they didn't just because they didn't take me on days out.

In fact, most of my favourite childhood memories (with my parents and my grandparents) were cheap and/or free activities.

Learning how to bake bread, walking along the local river bed when it froze into massive chunks of ice, learning to play football in the garden, raking up leaves, learning how to play chess, colouring in pictures before dinner, watching TOTP in my pajamas on a Sunday night and staying up late on Fridays to watch Fawlty Towers...

None of those required much (if any) expense but they're some of the best memories.

But isn't the point here that the grandparents aren't 'making memories' at home? There's no colouring, football or board games or even helping to tidy up the garden. Instead, the OP's mother is just sticking the TV on. There's nothing wrong with a bit of screen time but it's not really interacting with grandchildren.

Meh - like I said, some of my favourite memories involve watching TV too. It's the company that matters more than the activity in many cases.

For many kids, TV, a sleepover and breakfast at grandma's is making memories. You don't need to do loads of activities or spend loads of money to spend time with your grandkids, and children don't need constant activity and input to have a good time either.

As long as the kids are happy, surely that's what's important? And the bonus is that OP gets an evening, a night and a morning to herself to do whatever she wants too. I honestly can't see any downsides to this scenario.

One of my favourite memories of my gran was staying at her house, eating melted cheese on toast with a cup of sugary tea while watching Jaws. Traumatic, but fun.

'making memories' urgh

People have memories of things they did and what they felt

The children enjoy being with grandmother, therefore they will remember that in years to come

I dont know how old you are but there is something about 70s and 80s cheese on toast that I just cant seem to replicate in modern times.

I dont know how old you are but there is something about 70s and 80s cheese on toast that I just cant seem to replicate in modern times.

It's a grill issue - you need an old gas oven with a gas grill on top. You took your life in your hands lighting it with a match (the clicker was inevitably broken) but they could grill cheese hotter than the surface of the sun.

I had one in a shared student house in the 1990s. Best cooker ever.

You're so right, my mum had this, then I had the same type of oven when I got my first home and they were in previous bedsits but now I have a 'fancy modern' oven and the grill is useless.

My fancy modern oven also has a shitey useless grill. I've effectively given up grilling, and I now cook cheese on toast in the oven (shame emoji).

Get a grip, and stop being so entitled and selfish!
your mum dies more than most. They’re your children not hers. She’s done the parenting bit.

To be fair, your later posts about her never having taken them out of the house, even to the corner shop, and that she never ever visits you, does seem odd. When I replied before, I thought you meant actual outings. Not that she's never left the house with them, and literally doesn't do anything with them other than put then on the sofa.

When I do childcare for my DGD she does comes to the shops with me or to the library. I don't yet take her on days out or anything, but though we spend most of our time in the house or garden, I do take her with me on errands etc. She actually makes Tesco fun!

@Daisylo0

blimey, calm down!

Is this a joke?
she has them over night… so you have the evening and night to yourself and the morning before you get them! You sound very ungrateful. Neither mine or my DH parents have EVER has my DS who is nearly 4 overnight or for the day! Think yourself lucky.

My mum looks after my daughter regularly and is great with her but will NOT take her anywhere except the park

There is no such thing as "making memories". You either remember things, or you don't. And the fact that something was expensive doesn't make it any more memorable. The OP's kids might remember the TV nights with granny more than they might remember a trip to the zoo or even playing in the garden.

Some MNers have massive expectations of their parents in relation to their children.

Exactly this. You chose to have two children, she didn't get a say in that. So you can't impose your ideas of what you think a grandparent should be on her. You get to be a grandparent if and when your children have kids. You may be able to be the sort of grandparent you wanted your mum to be to them, but on the other hand your children and their partners might not want that.

The best memories of my grandparents were going to their house for tea - my grandfather played draughts with me; but best of all, they played whist with me and my father! We did all go on days out to the seaside, etc; but none of that held a candle to the games of whist! I loved talking with my grandma, because she was very sharp!

DGD is only 4, but what she loves more than anything, is us singing with her (not that we can sing, but that doesn’t seem to matter, it’s the 1:1) “The Grand Old Duke of York”, “This Little Piggy…” and “Incy Wincy”!

Some MNers have massive expectations of their parents in relation to their children.

Some grandparents (a fair amount in my experience) actually do stuff with their grandchildren instead of sticking them in front of screens for the entire visit. But I agree that if your parents were lazy as parents and never did anything with you, it's a bit odd to suddenly expect them to be involved grandparents.

I always chuckle at threads like these. It’s as though women in their 40’s/50’s who are grandparents are suddenly expected to devote their life and all their spare time to their grandkids! Fuck that, like they don’t have any life of their own😀
i am
old enough to be a gp but my dd know that i have a life of my own , friends plans holidays. I have no intention of being unpaid babysitter when I’m in the prime of my life!

Oh my goodness she has them for sleepovers!!! That’s such a gift! Stop being ungrateful.

We didn't have a night away from our children until the youngest was 13, and my Mum looked after him at hers when he was ill. Both sets lived about 2 hours away and there were no days out and no sleepovers. I never expected it though so it didn't even occur to me! My now adult children all love their grandparents very much tho!

Now I'm Granny and have my little grandson anywhere between 1-4 days a week depending on my DD2 and her dh's nursing shifts (I work part time). I know they are very grateful, but I do it because I WANT to and days I don't see him, I miss him, and we live in the same town so it is easy for us. Tomorrow I have soft play booked, and Tuesday it's toddler group... I take him out, not because I'm superwoman but so we have structure to our days, then downtime in the afternoon in the garden. But it's not about making memories..he'll remember very little, it's for my pleasure!
Plus I woke this morning at 4.50am (we'd been to a family wedding and I took him back early so Mum and Dad could relax) to a little body in my bed grinning at me... what's not to like!?

Every damily is different and every parent and Grandparent is different and I think that's just how it is! If your children like going, does there need to be more?

you sound as if you are determined to criticise your mum.
the children like going there, and she's willing to have them, and you can get them there.
that should be enough.
the main thing is that they enjoy it.
are you quite a driven person maybe, competitive. ?
it doesn't matter what other grandparents do; your children don't care about that.
so don't make it an issue, it isn't.
all that matters is that the children like going there.
be satisfied with that.
maybe you feel some resentment re how you regard your own upbringing, but don't let that infect your children's lives.
they probably enjoy just being rather than doing all the time.
children's lives are so pressurised now, always being taken somewhere, doing improving things.
as the old saying goes: sometimes i sits and thinks, and sometimes i just sits.
there's wisdom in that.
when you are as old as i am, you might agree.
good luck.

My Mum never took my kids out. She suffered from anxiety and found young kids on days out very difficult. She found it really hard when my and my siblings were young too, days out were very few and far between once my parents split . However, she'd happily come along on days out we organized when there was a parent to manage the kids which she just found so challenging (my kids were quite normally behaved btw).

Did your Mum take you out when you were younger? It might be odd for you if she had a been a very out and about parent but changed so much as a grandparent despite still being young.

But otherwise, your kids are happy and enjoying it, go with that. Perhaps ask your Mum to give them dinner sometimes? Even if you bring it with you if she doesn't like cooking?

I'm also quite happy to have my kids home of a night too, they don't wake in the night, happily wake and read/play on tablets in the morning. It's not a burden at all. If I needed help and more time to myself, someone taking them after dinner and being picked up before lunch with a 45 min round trip really wouldn't be all that helpful. The question is if you've asked your Mum for help or if it's framed around what the kids want and enjoy? Because it sounds like it's working well for them so unless you NEED more help, why change it?

Ignore the insults and pile on though, OP. This is AIBU where people think it's license to abuse and bully.

If I needed help and more time to myself, someone taking them after dinner and being picked up before lunch with a 45 min round trip really wouldn't be all that helpful.

When DC were small, I’d have regarded 20 minutes in the car on my own, as bliss!