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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents never take DC out

226 replies

Cherrybizarre · 22/04/2022 21:17

Basically my DM has never taken my children anywhere (they’re 6 and 7). Never a day out, to the park, soft play, anything. For context she is in her mid 50s, doesn’t work (doesn’t need to), drives and owns a car.
She will have them for regular sleep overs (1 or 2 a month) but I drop them and collect them, and she doesn’t really do anything when they’re there. They just watch tv etc before going to bed. When they wake they don’t really do anything either then I come and get them. They do like it there though.

I don’t expect them to be taken out by anyone other than me, but AIBU to find it unusual for a grandparent to never do so? She makes no secret that she regards herself a wonderful grandmother so I just find it a little odd.

OP posts:
TrippinEdBalls · 23/04/2022 09:59

I mean, if you can't think of any use of having an evening and morning child-free twice a month other than sleeping - when you say your own children sleep well - it's a bit rich to accuse other people of being lazy because they don't fancy going out?!

I'm sure on some level she realizes that you're so rudely ungrateful and dismissive of what she already does, and I'm not surprised she doesn't fancy going on days out with you.

ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 09:59

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 09:55

Is she the sort of person that likes going out generally? Some people just prefer to stay in their comfort zone.
Did she take you out much as a child?

In a word she’s lazy. No she never took me out much as a child.

Then it’s probably pointless hoping she’ll take your children out, if that’s not the sort of person she is.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 10:05

@TrippinEdBalls She’s been my mother for 30 years, I think I’m more than qualified to state she’s lazy. It’s probably the reason my grandparents were so good to me because she was so lazy. I sleep because I’m tired after working all week.

OP posts:
TimBoothseyes · 23/04/2022 10:10

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 09:38

It’s not about the money or anything like that as a few have said. Some of my fondest memories with my grandparents are walking to the corner shop for a newspaper and pint of milk. It’s just the fact she puts in no effort whatsoever. They are dropped off, she doesn’t do anything with them, they watch tv/tablets then go to sleep. It’s the completely opposite from my grandparents (and they had less money and no car) so I was looking for perspective 😊

You are lucky that you spent time with your GP's and you children spend time with their GM....mine where too drunk to care about theirs most of the time and when they weren't drunk they just didn't care. We never spent anytime with them.

ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 10:13

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 10:05

@TrippinEdBalls She’s been my mother for 30 years, I think I’m more than qualified to state she’s lazy. It’s probably the reason my grandparents were so good to me because she was so lazy. I sleep because I’m tired after working all week.

What time do you get back from dropping them off?
We both work all week but if we can get a babysitter (rare!) we go out at 8pm on a Saturday for a meal or drinks. We don’t stay out late though as the toddler gets up at 5am without fail!

AhNowTed · 23/04/2022 10:23

Kids have far too much stimulation, and an evening at granny's chilling out and just "being" sounds ideal.

And as someone who's families on both sides live in another country, I would have killed for the support your mother is giving you OP.

Whatsmyname100 · 23/04/2022 10:24

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 09:55

Is she the sort of person that likes going out generally? Some people just prefer to stay in their comfort zone.
Did she take you out much as a child?

In a word she’s lazy. No she never took me out much as a child.

Ok so what on earth are you expecting her to do it with your kids?? I never understand these threads, where the parents wasn't really a good one and then expected to make a great grandparent. You're complaining about something pointless when you already know what to expect.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 10:26

@ReadyToMoveIt
I’ve said 45 minute round trip but that’s without any traffic so it’s probably more over an hour. I get back gone 8 (say 8.15) but all the restaurants near me close their kitchen at 9 with last orders usually being at 8.45. So wouldn’t make it there in time for a meal. Could theoretically go for drinks but I wouldn’t really feel comfortable when I’m back driving the next morning!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 10:29

@AhNowTed
I don’t expect btw. But I think it’s all relative. I often read threads on here about people bashing their MIL and I can never get my mind round it because my MIL passed soon into our marriage so I’ve never really had one, it’s something I always longed for. But I’m aware that’s easy for me to say as I don’t have a bad one iyswim.

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 23/04/2022 10:31

Everyone and every family is different. My mum and dad babysat when my son was three months old, so we could go to a wedding. My dad would have spent lots of time playing with him, would have taken him out and done things, but he died when my son was 13 months old.

The in-laws spent time with us and we’re happy to do so, but didn’t babysit.

I babysat my grandchildren when they were small, took them to the park, spoiled them with ice cream, sweets and toys, collected them once a week from playgroup and school, but I think I probably could have done more. I was working full time, then part time though, so had less opportunity.

We probably never get it right.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 10:33

@Whatsmyname100
Your posts actually made me laugh because it’s true. She thought she was a great mother (she wasn’t) and she thinks she’s a great grandmother (she’s not). I sound harsh but I’m really not bashing her here or claiming she’s terrible/does nothing. She just isn’t the best grandmother the world has ever saw in the way she thinks she is.
But what you’ve said is right. I admit I compare her to my friends mothers who take their grandchildren out, visit them regularly etc but they did that kind of thing as a mother too.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 23/04/2022 10:34

I see your points, she is involved however with little interest and no fun.

Did she take you places or sit you in front of the TV.

She probably doesn't see the point in investing quality time, she people think the basics are enough for everything.

Puppalicious · 23/04/2022 10:40

I assumed you weren’t married but as you are would you not just have a date night? Go to the cinema? If last orders are at 8.45 and you get back at 8.15 why can’t you go out? I can’t get my head around this at all, not making any use of sleepovers! If you don’t have to set off until 11.30 or so why can’t you have a drink the night before? I don’t know anyone who gets two nights off a month, we have to spend a fortune on babysitters so we can spend couple time together so I can’t understand not taking the opportunity to invest in your relationship!

Goldbar · 23/04/2022 10:43

I'm split on this. Yes, I don't think you can really dictate what people do if they agree to babysit your children for free but she does sound quite low effort with them - from what you've written, she won't make them dinner or lunch and they just watch TV when they're with her. That's different from having a day at granny's house, playing with toys, baking, pottering around the garden and actually interacting with their grandmother for some of the time. Maybe I'm biased because my DPs/PILs are excellent with my DC and seem to view it as a point of pride to return DC to me physically exhausted and ready for some down-time (so that I then get to snuggle up in front of the TV with DC), but I would be a little disappointed with what you describe. When MIL stayed last week to help us with childcare, she took DC swimming, to soft play and to a farm park, as well as to the playground several times. On the other hand, as is evident from pp here, there are many grandparents who have hardly anything to do with their GC so I guess you do have to be grateful for what you've got, which is a grandparent who sees your children regularly and likes being involved in their lives in some way.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 23/04/2022 10:48

I think it’s strange. My parents always take my kids out, but then mine are much younger and I think my parents are worried they will wreck their house so rather take them somewhere to run free

CorsicaDreaming · 23/04/2022 10:50

I would literally be delighted with 1-2 sleep overs a month. My DS is 9 years old and my DM has looked after him overnight three times in that whole time. My PIL never. To be fair to them, we live a fair distance away from both.

And I think this focus on days out is a fairly new thing. I'm late 40s and as kids we used to just knock about at home, see friends there, but very rarely do days out as people do now, unless we were actually on a family holiday.

If they are happy there, just being at grandma's, I would be happy - children's lives are so busy these days I think some down time is fine.

CorsicaDreaming · 23/04/2022 10:53

Cherrybizarre · 22/04/2022 21:25

I’d far rather they had sleepovers than more trips to the park etc, much more valuable free time for you!

There’s no free time for me. It’s about a 45 minute round trip for me to take them there then get home again. I give them dinner first and collect them before lunch so it’s actually more a hindrance to me than anything. I only do it as they enjoy going.

On that, I'd float with her making it longer so you can actually benefit from some time yourself.

Could they go occasionally from Friday after school to Saturday afternoon? Could your mum possibly drop them back on Saturday and then stay for an evening meal with you so you don't do all the travelling?

CorsicaDreaming · 23/04/2022 10:56

PS - I know you say upthread that she won't but it might be worth having the conversation again and explain how much it would mean to you to have that bit of extra time

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 10:58

@EmeraldShamrock1 we were sat in front of the tv too, she’d go on a day out but only if it meant no effort for her. Wouldn’t go if she had to drive etc

Also,
I work 9-5, my DH doesn’t so he’s out at work 9.5/10 times when I get home. I don’t leave at 11.30 to get them. I leave about 10am, I said I get them before lunch time not at lunch time. But more importantly I’m not bitching about lack of childcare to do things myself. If I wanted them looked after to go out I’d arrange it elsewhere. It’s not about that it’s just the matter of very low effort from her to my children. If I wasn’t to take them to her I honestly don’t know if they’d ever see her again.

OP posts:
ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 11:15

Do the kids enjoy going? If so, that’s all that really matters. If they don’t, stop facilitating it so often.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2022 11:16

I think your mum does plenty - way more than many grandparents. You get two child-free nights per month - that's more than many parents get in a year!

Why can't you and DH drop the DC off together, then go out for a meal or to the cinema before coming home? Or the next day, have a lie-in, go out for brunch, collect the children and then go out for the afternoon as a family?

Honestly, I think you have an amazing set-up here.

Cheesechips · 23/04/2022 11:18

I would love 2 free nights a month. You sound lazy yourself if you think a 20 minute drive is unreasonable. It's also a huge faff to take children out. If they're happy at the house what's the issue? You're coming off as a little bit entitled!

EmmaH2022 · 23/04/2022 11:23

this thread is nuts
are your DC very busy?

i had a friend DC to look after sometimes and she liked to just sit on the sofa and watch TV or hang out because she had so many activities.

it sounds like they all love each other and enjoy just being. That's so sweet. I can't believe you're criticising it.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 11:24

I don’t really understand why people can’t take my word for it but for the last time if she has them overnight 2 times a months, the 2 weekend she doesn’t have them are easier on me. I get the same sleep regardless, but I don’t need to worry about getting caught in traffic and can have a more leisurely morning the next day without having to do the trip to get them. So them staying is of no benefit to me. It’s not even the point of the thread!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 11:26

Also to clarify (though it shocks me that I need to) is I’m not criticising what she does with them each time she seems that. It’s that I find it odd in their full lives she’s never went anywhere beyond her front door with them!

OP posts: