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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents never take DC out

226 replies

Cherrybizarre · 22/04/2022 21:17

Basically my DM has never taken my children anywhere (they’re 6 and 7). Never a day out, to the park, soft play, anything. For context she is in her mid 50s, doesn’t work (doesn’t need to), drives and owns a car.
She will have them for regular sleep overs (1 or 2 a month) but I drop them and collect them, and she doesn’t really do anything when they’re there. They just watch tv etc before going to bed. When they wake they don’t really do anything either then I come and get them. They do like it there though.

I don’t expect them to be taken out by anyone other than me, but AIBU to find it unusual for a grandparent to never do so? She makes no secret that she regards herself a wonderful grandmother so I just find it a little odd.

OP posts:
ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 11:30

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 11:24

I don’t really understand why people can’t take my word for it but for the last time if she has them overnight 2 times a months, the 2 weekend she doesn’t have them are easier on me. I get the same sleep regardless, but I don’t need to worry about getting caught in traffic and can have a more leisurely morning the next day without having to do the trip to get them. So them staying is of no benefit to me. It’s not even the point of the thread!

But do your children enjoy it?

Cheesechips · 23/04/2022 11:31

Why does it have to benefit you? Also can't you go out, see friends etc when the kids are out.

PinkSyCo · 23/04/2022 11:32

Maybe she doesn’t feel confident enough to take the two of them out. I do think it would be nice if she could give them some lunch the next day though, to make the round trip you do more worthwhile.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2022 11:39

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 11:24

I don’t really understand why people can’t take my word for it but for the last time if she has them overnight 2 times a months, the 2 weekend she doesn’t have them are easier on me. I get the same sleep regardless, but I don’t need to worry about getting caught in traffic and can have a more leisurely morning the next day without having to do the trip to get them. So them staying is of no benefit to me. It’s not even the point of the thread!

So don't take them if it inconveniences you so badly 🙄

What a load of drama over nothing.

Unsureaboutit9 · 23/04/2022 12:36

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 11:24

I don’t really understand why people can’t take my word for it but for the last time if she has them overnight 2 times a months, the 2 weekend she doesn’t have them are easier on me. I get the same sleep regardless, but I don’t need to worry about getting caught in traffic and can have a more leisurely morning the next day without having to do the trip to get them. So them staying is of no benefit to me. It’s not even the point of the thread!

If you drop them off later than a normal bed time, she doesn’t interact with them, or feed them, and would happily not see them again if you didn’t take them, then why are you still taking them? You clearly don’t like her and don’t think she gives anything to your children and don’t feel the benefit of their current relationship or your kid free time. So just stop taking them if it’s such an inconvenience, she won’t change and neither will you.

Unsureaboutit9 · 23/04/2022 12:40

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 11:26

Also to clarify (though it shocks me that I need to) is I’m not criticising what she does with them each time she seems that. It’s that I find it odd in their full lives she’s never went anywhere beyond her front door with them!

I can’t understand why are shocked, you’ve called her lazy, said she’s not a good grandmother or mother, and that she literally does nothing with them. You must be a harsh critic if you don’t consider that criticising.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 12:51

@Cheesechips
No it doesn’t have to benefit me I was just responding to the people saying how fortune I was to have a babysitter twice a month. It was just explaining that’s not really what happens.

OP posts:
ForgedInFire · 23/04/2022 12:56

I have the same situation- My mum has my kids overnight sometimes but she doesn't do anything with them and has never taken them out. Not even a bit of colouring or baking. I am grateful for the help- I still have my youngest at home so it's not really a break though. I'm a lone parent (widow) and I do wish that somebody else would do something with my kids just for once. But it's not going to happen so I just enjoy what I can get.

zingally · 23/04/2022 13:10

I'd be thrilled with 2 sleepovers a month tbh!!

So what if she doesn't galivant around with them? Kids don't need to be "out" every single minute of the day!

ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 13:31

If your children don’t enjoy their sleepovers then you need to advocate for them and put a stop to them. If they do, well then I’m not sure what the problem is.

RewildingAmbridge · 23/04/2022 13:33

Relationships are different, my mum worked in private nurseries for more than twenty years, she's forever doing things with DS, I came home a while back to a train made from boxes, painted and everything with DS and the cat inside it, this week she's planned sunflower seeds with him and they cleaned out and refilled his sand tray and then they had some epic rescue mission game going on. They bake regularly she does number games etc with him. She's taking him on a boat trip next week to sea the seals.
MIL had him overnight a couple of weeks ago and he by all accounts spent most of his time in the chicken coop and pottering around the garden and down to the village square shop. He loves both equally.

Classicblunder · 23/04/2022 13:42

You and your mum don't sound that different - neither of you seem to want to go out!

Do you really have nothing you want to do on these evenings off you get? Dinner with friends? Drinks? Theatre? Comedy? Have friends over? If your DH usually works, can he sometimes take a shift off so you can do something together? I can't believe you think 8pm is too late to do anything

Classicblunder · 23/04/2022 13:44

My parents recently looked after my kids for 2 hours, that is the longest they have ever done, I was genuinely grateful.

starrynight21 · 23/04/2022 13:55

Grandparents don't have to do anything - I spent every afternoon with my grandmother as a child and she literally couldn't do anything . She had severe rheumatoid arthritis and was always either in a wheelchair or in bed. We used to talk about our days, or listen to sport on the radio. She'd do a crossword and I'd guess the answers. What more could a child want ? She was the most wonderful person I've ever known . "Doing things " is definitely not needed when it comes to children and grandparents.

Giraffesandbottoms · 23/04/2022 14:12

But why does this surprise you if she was the same as a mother?!

dottiedodah · 23/04/2022 14:15

I think yes it would be nice for your Mum to take them out.However young children are hard work, and Mum may not feel up to it . Looking after them ,checking they dont run off,fall over and so on .If she has a garden to play in, or just chilling out, reading books and so on thats fine .You say they enjoy visiting her .Whats the problem ?Why not have an evening out?

Mary46 · 23/04/2022 14:16

My mam never helped so you are lucky. Are there any parks near her.

Chewchewaboogiw · 23/04/2022 14:16

Incredibly lucky to have sleepovers...

PlayGIBluff · 23/04/2022 14:18

I don’t think paying for things equates to love and care for the children. My DM never takes her DGC anywhere but she always gives them time and attention when they’re with her but it is just playing in her house, tv, bedtime story. They all absolutely adore her and obviously your kids love your DM too if they like going.

YABU to equate being a good grandparent with spending money on them @Cherrybizarre

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 23/04/2022 15:02

Of course it's a babysitter twice a month - that's exactly what you are describing and as someone who got virtually no family help it's hard to read you being so dismissive of it. Most people have to pay a fortune for a sitter who leaves as soon as they get home. They don't have the option of getting up at 9:30 to leave by 10. They are up at 6 when the kids are. There is plenty you can do getting home at 8/8 15. You may choose not to and that is not a problem but please don't dismiss what your mother is offering.

Magicfeet11 · 23/04/2022 15:33

I don't know about this one tbh. My mum has never been the hands on granny type so the most she's ever done is watch my DC for an hour or two. She'd never dream of taking them out independently.

Thinking back to my nan - she had me overnight so my parents could go out. My mum would drop me of late afternoon and she'd give me my tea and then we'd watch TV until bedtime. Next morning we'd usually do something at home like colouring or baking until mum picked me up

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2022 15:43

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 12:51

@Cheesechips
No it doesn’t have to benefit me I was just responding to the people saying how fortune I was to have a babysitter twice a month. It was just explaining that’s not really what happens.

But it is what happens, you're just choosing to see it in a negative light and therefore you're not making the most of your mum's generosity.

8pm isn't the middle of the night - you could go for a meal and to see a film, meet friends for drinks, get a takeaway, go to the pub, go to a gig, have friends over for food and crap TV...

And even if you have to leave to collect them at 10am the next day, that's hardly the crack of dawn. Plenty of time to have a lie-in, a shower and grab brunch or breakfast before collecting the kids and going out somewhere for the day.

If you don't use your child-free time for your own benefit, maybe it's your mindset that needs to change, rather than your mum's behaviour?

mcmooberry · 23/04/2022 15:47

I voted YANBU, I would find it annoying that they just sit around on screens there, they could do that at home! And with the added info that you aren't getting a break, you have to pay the petrol to get them there and she is providing breakfast only for them, it's hardly over-generous of her. Particularly when the weather is nicer and it's lighter later, taking them out to the park to run around would be a nice thing to do.
Hopefully she is at least fun for them to be around and interested in them so that's something.

BritWifeInUSA · 23/04/2022 15:58

But the children like how it us. Isn’t that enough? If they’re only there from evening to morning what do you expect her to do with them during that time anyway? Places will be closed. What would you be doing with them if they weren’t with their grandmother? Not much by the sounds of things because you are ready for bed anyway at just after 8pm and even going to get them at 10 am is not leisurely.

So what if they do nothing with their grandmother except maybe watch TV. You might want them to be participating in wholesome activities all day every day but see if like going to McDonald’s. A couple of times a month won’t kill them and won’t undo all the amazing things you do with them the rest of the time.

Knifer · 23/04/2022 16:01

Crikey.

My parents never have my kids for tea, for sleepovers or for a day out. Never!