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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents never take DC out

226 replies

Cherrybizarre · 22/04/2022 21:17

Basically my DM has never taken my children anywhere (they’re 6 and 7). Never a day out, to the park, soft play, anything. For context she is in her mid 50s, doesn’t work (doesn’t need to), drives and owns a car.
She will have them for regular sleep overs (1 or 2 a month) but I drop them and collect them, and she doesn’t really do anything when they’re there. They just watch tv etc before going to bed. When they wake they don’t really do anything either then I come and get them. They do like it there though.

I don’t expect them to be taken out by anyone other than me, but AIBU to find it unusual for a grandparent to never do so? She makes no secret that she regards herself a wonderful grandmother so I just find it a little odd.

OP posts:
ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 22:44

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:41

@echt
There are two benefits you've named. Right there.
Sorry can you clarify what the benefits are?

Well it doesn’t matter, because as you’ve repeatedly pointed out, it’s not about you.
It’s about the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, which seems to be just fine.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:46

Having the GCs over is an effort, and the sleepovers build a relationship. If you don't think it does, keep them at home and see how much you like them apples.

And I have to disagree here, having children sat on a tablet until the fall asleep, then grabbing a yoghurt out the fridge for breakfast in the morning before being picked up isn’t really making an effort at all. It’s better than nothing of course and I’m aware many people have grandparents who do a lot less, and obviously I’m happy enough with the set up to allow it to continue, but it’s not really what you call making an effort is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:48

@ReadyToMoveIt
I’d like to know what the other posts was meaning, what does it matter to you?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 23/04/2022 22:48

I suspect you're one of these people whereby nothing will ever be good enough, you moan you're tired, you moan you cant spend time of an evening enjoying yourself, theres no where to go/things close too early/husband not home/things cost money blah blah blah

ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 22:49

It doesn’t matter to me, you asked a question on a public forum 🤷🏻‍♀️.

echt · 23/04/2022 22:50

I get the same sleep regardless, but 1. I don’t need to worry about getting caught in traffic and 2. can have a more leisurely morning the next day without having to do the trip to get them. So them staying is of no benefit to me. It’s not even the point of the thread

There are the benefits.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:52

@ReadyToMoveIt I asked @bellac11 directly to clarify what they mean.

OP posts:
ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 22:52

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:52

@ReadyToMoveIt I asked @bellac11 directly to clarify what they mean.

It was @echt

Thatswhyimacat · 23/04/2022 22:53

Meh, me and my nana just used to hang out at hers and watch TV mostly, and we were very very close and I loved going to her house.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:54

@echt
To clear this up; the fact that when they don’t go, I don’t need to worry about traffic and get a more leisurely morning the next day is a benefit to them going ?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 23/04/2022 22:54

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:52

@ReadyToMoveIt I asked @bellac11 directly to clarify what they mean.

You didnt ask me anything?

What do you mean - what do I mean?

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:55

@ReadyToMoveIt
Lol yes typo it was

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:55

@bellac11
typo. Hit the wrong automatic @ that appeared, sorry!

OP posts:
Thatswhyimacat · 23/04/2022 22:55

I also think there is something to be said for children fitting into general boring life rather than always having to be entertained and activities planned.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 23:00

@Thatswhyimacat
I mostly hung out at my grandparents too, and when we did go out majority of the time it wasn’t to be entertained, it would be them doing their daily tasks with us. Going to the shops, visiting relatives etc. As I said I by know means think they should be taken out all the time I do just mean I find it out that she never once has. I only added the bit in about the low effort with them visiting her is that it’s not like she makes up for it with quality time at home baking etc.

And to clarify before the next person jumps on, I know this is more than many do!! 😂

OP posts:
Teddah · 23/04/2022 23:09

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 22:33

Yes, as I’ve said (more than once) my children enjoy going.

So, it is for their benefit and they enjoy it. Job done.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 23:12

@Teddah
Yep, that’s why they go. It’s not supposed to be for my benefit and it wasn’t me who made it about that.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 23/04/2022 23:19

Cherrybizarre · 22/04/2022 21:25

I’d far rather they had sleepovers than more trips to the park etc, much more valuable free time for you!

There’s no free time for me. It’s about a 45 minute round trip for me to take them there then get home again. I give them dinner first and collect them before lunch so it’s actually more a hindrance to me than anything. I only do it as they enjoy going.

How do you not see that as free time?

give over.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 23:24

@LovePoppy
I‘m not asking if it’s free time, I’m asking if it’s unusual for a grandparent to never take their grandchild out. That’s all.

OP posts:
OutlookStalking · 24/04/2022 03:30

Yes its very unusual for grandparents to have kids for sleepovers twice a month.

So we've established -

Your kids get time with your mum two sleepovers a month to bond and hang out. This is for their benefit and they enjoy it.

This is more than most grandparents do and is brilliant for the kids(85% think you are being unreasonable.)

This also gives you the benefit of 2 free evenings/nights/mornings a month which you seem unappreciative of but most people here are envious of!

And yet you think your mum lazy/you criticise her!

I think you have other issues with her (well obviously 😆) as this isn't the problem. Maybe you should start a thread about that? As she's being a great grandparent.

Superhanz · 24/04/2022 05:31

Your mum sounds like a good grandparent, you come across as ungrateful. And I say this as someone who thinks my parents are brilliant grandparents but they've never had their grandchildren over night, nor would I expect them to! I don't tally up what they do or don't do with the kids either, I find that odd. I've never thought about it til this thread.

How you don't see it as free time is very bizarre too. You must go to bed very early and sleep very late. Even that is free time. Even if your kids are good sleepers there's always the potential to be woken up.

I'm guessing there is a huge backstory (besides just thinking she's lazy), or you're just naturally a glass half empty person and nothing anyone ever does is enough.

Maybe you'll take something positive away from this thread. Appreciate what you have.

BadNomad · 24/04/2022 05:57

No, it's not unusual. Just because you had a different childhood experience doesn't mean your mother is a bad grandparent. If your kids love her and enjoy staying with her then that's all that matters, surely? They're not suffering or being neglected by her not walking them to buy a newspaper.

Bpdqueen · 24/04/2022 06:14

Just a thought does she go out and about much on her own without the kids. It could be an anxiety thing I rarely leave the house due to panic attacks and the thought of that happening while looking after someone else's children is terrifying

southlondoner02 · 24/04/2022 07:07

The childcare aspect is clearly a red herring as you don't need it.

I sort of see what you mean OP. When my DC go to my mums they don't go out much but she plays board games or does cooking or just chats. Not all the time, they watch tv too but she wants to interact.

With MIL it's more like your grandparents, she goes about her business and grandchildren fit in with this but they love doing the shopping or visiting her friends.

I'd be very surprised if either of them did what you described which effectively seems to be not interacting with them as what is the point? But I would think about it from your kids pov, they get to sleep away from home in a safe place, watch as much tv/ tablet as they like and clearly enjoy it.

mum11970 · 24/04/2022 07:25

Does your mum have any other children other than you? If so, are they still young? Both my dh and I are in our 50s with grandchild the same age as yours and older. We don’t do days out or overnights because we still have a child at home ourselves and now the youngest is of an age where they can be left on their own we want to actually spend some time doing what we want. When are we supposed to get our free time? Dh has spent over 30 years child rearing and now it’s time for him to take what little free time he has for himself. There is also a parent with dementia that needs our time too. Rarely looking after our grandchildren doesn’t mean we don’t love them, just that we too want to have free time too. Even if you don’t have younger siblings, you say your dm didn’t take you out as a child, so why would you think she was suddenly going to change.