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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents never take DC out

226 replies

Cherrybizarre · 22/04/2022 21:17

Basically my DM has never taken my children anywhere (they’re 6 and 7). Never a day out, to the park, soft play, anything. For context she is in her mid 50s, doesn’t work (doesn’t need to), drives and owns a car.
She will have them for regular sleep overs (1 or 2 a month) but I drop them and collect them, and she doesn’t really do anything when they’re there. They just watch tv etc before going to bed. When they wake they don’t really do anything either then I come and get them. They do like it there though.

I don’t expect them to be taken out by anyone other than me, but AIBU to find it unusual for a grandparent to never do so? She makes no secret that she regards herself a wonderful grandmother so I just find it a little odd.

OP posts:
Kittykatmacbill · 22/04/2022 23:14

That sounds amazing, you could go out twice a month!?!?

my ILs have never taken either of my children either and literally can’t supervise the children for a second my fil let them play with matches whilst I was out the room at their house!

my parents used to take them a lot collect from school, take them to activities etc, then in lock down my dad had a catastrophic stroke and my is now his carer. My mum is heartbroken she doesn’t get to spend time with them in the same
way.

yes I am jealous, totally appreciate what you have got.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 08:35

Hoping back on this morning. To clarify a few things..
I really don’t get much free time, by the time I get home I’m ready for bed after a weeks work and when I get back up I’m getting dressed to go get them again. Yes I get a full night sleep by I’d get that anyway. My children sleep well.
I suppose it’s a thing of effort for me. Yes I’ve invited her to my house she won’t come, yes I’ve invited her on days out she won’t come. She’s happy to see them but only if they’re dropped off after dinner and picked up again before lunch.
Im

I’m happy to accept IABU in thinking this is unusually and realise I just had particularly fantastic grandparents myself!

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 23/04/2022 08:51

I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, who just lived round the corner.
most of the time was spent in her house.
if we did go out, then it was to go grocery shopping. She never took me on a day out, or to the park etc. basically, I fitted into her life
you seem to want your mother to change her life to suit your DC. That’s what parents do, not grandparents

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 08:55

She's already doing you a massive favour by looking after them 2 nights a month. Maybe she doesn't want to take them out.

Jalepenojello · 23/04/2022 09:03

i was Going to say I can see why you’re disappointed but they get 1/2 sleepovers a MONTH. You are being so unreasonable. That sounds like great quality time together IMO

Jalepenojello · 23/04/2022 09:06

To be realistic OP, that’s what most parents are doing but without the sleepovers so have to juggle homework, tea time bath time bedtime etc. Sounds like a win to me. You are more than welcome to make the most of your evening but you choose to go to bed?

Chely · 23/04/2022 09:06

She has them for sleepovers, you're a winner in my book.

GrandRapids · 23/04/2022 09:08

Only my mum has ever done anything with ours although that is drastically reducing the older she gets. She is also the only one who has ever looked after them overnight. Again that is a rarity these days.

I'd be over the moon with 1/2 sleepovers per month. She should interact with them more once they're there though. A board game, bit of baking, trip to the local park. Maybe she just can't be arsed though?!

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 09:09

She's actually doing a lot already. It's just different that what you wanted or expected.

Bumpsadaisie · 23/04/2022 09:13

It sounds like what you would really like would be for your mother to ask you how you would like her to have the children, what would be a help to you or what sort of activities you would like for them to do with her. **

And you feel upset that your mum doesn't do this, that she has the children but on the terms and in the way she feels comfortable with.

She is behaving as if you two are two fellow adults - each with their own right to do what they feel able to commit to.

Whereas you wish she would relate to you like your mum - that she would shift her own parameters and give up some of her own life boundaries in order to give you what you need and want.

These are all real feelings and they are legitimate. But you do need to think about them in order that your resentment towards her doesn't fester.

People say you're being a cheeky moo and in a way you are(!). But I think it's hard to feel gratitude because you feel you are a daughter whose mum won't make the usual mum sacrifices and accommodations for her and that is very painful and you resent her for it.

Perhaps you also feel shock or surprise that she doesn't view you as her dependent child anymore, and that she doesn't think she ought to make sacrifices for you.

It is hard to try to adjust as an adult child to having separate adult relationships with your parents. It is a process that doesn't happen overnight.

I think you're starting on the process though. Starting to see she is a separate person not just your old mum - and as you go on in the process it starts to become ok to give up the old relationship and put aside your wish for her to bend to you, because of the love you have for your mother and your wish ultimately that she should be able to have her own life and desires and wishes.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 23/04/2022 09:13

PiranhaTank · 22/04/2022 21:45

My children also never taken anywhere ever by their grandparents and never had a sleepover ever- I have three, all older now. My husband and I had 1 weekend away together in 27 years. You are extremely lucky and ungrateful to boot.

But surely you don't need childcare after 27 years? What is stopping you going away for a weekend?

CatsOperatingInGangs · 23/04/2022 09:14

Hi OP my DM is a bit like this and at first it bothered me but now my children are grown up I can look back and see what counted was the consistency of care my DM provided rather than the type of care. My DC and her have a very close bond now.
For whatever reason your DM doesn’t do the outing you think she does, it really did want matter. She’s not the childrens parent, she’s a grandparent and will choose to do it her own way.
Be grateful for what you have as your children do seem to enjoy it.

Mosaic123 · 23/04/2022 09:15

To the children they are out. Just like you'd be out if you were on a short break away.

I think you are lucky and your Mum is doing a good job.

ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 09:16

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 23/04/2022 09:13

But surely you don't need childcare after 27 years? What is stopping you going away for a weekend?

Show quote history

The poster said had one night in 27 years… assuming a fairly wide age range of children.
She didn’t say they are still unable to go for nights out.

LisaSimpson73 · 23/04/2022 09:16

I do get your disappointment if she also won't do anything with you. Not taking the kids out alone, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she's nervous about them getting lost or hurt but not wanting to do trips with you is quite sad.

My ds is almost 10, dp have had him overnight twice in his life. They occasionally collect him from school and give him tea for me and that's it.
I used to get upset that they didn't want to do more with him especially as they used to take my sister's kids on week long holidays but have realised that I'm much happier if I just let this go and accept that they have their reasons.
They do go on trips with us though.

Anyway, I do get what you're saying, you want her to be excited about her grandchildren and enjoy doing stuff with them.
She isn't like that though and is highly unlikely to change. Make your peace with that though and stop upsetting yourself over something you can't change.

Beetlewings · 23/04/2022 09:18

Kids don't need to be taken out and stuffed full of activities. Spending quality unrushed time with their Grandma will be lovely for them.

brokengoalposts · 23/04/2022 09:19

I know you're not complaining about the help you get, so others jumping on you for that, saying you're ungrateful and not actually understanding what you're saying are wrong. What your mum does is great, it's what she doesn't do that you find unusual. I agree tbh, it's not bad or wrong, just s little unusual.

ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 09:21

My grandmother never took me out anywhere. She didn’t have a car, and it just wouldn’t have occurred to her!
we stayed at her house once a month while my parents had a night out. I adored her, we had the best relationship. She used to let me to stay up and watch Saturday night TV!

ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2022 09:28

Somewhere there'll be a thread complaining that a MIL insists on taking the children out and the mother is complaining she's being usurped from her position of Chief Fun Officer.
there was one quite recently about a GP that had had the audacity to give a child its first taste of ice cream 🙄
I think your mother is being generous having them twice a month - if it's not early enough for you to arrange somethig nice to do with the evening, ask if you can drop off a bit earlier, and leave them with her with a supper GM can microwave or reheat for them.

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 09:38

It’s not about the money or anything like that as a few have said. Some of my fondest memories with my grandparents are walking to the corner shop for a newspaper and pint of milk. It’s just the fact she puts in no effort whatsoever. They are dropped off, she doesn’t do anything with them, they watch tv/tablets then go to sleep. It’s the completely opposite from my grandparents (and they had less money and no car) so I was looking for perspective 😊

OP posts:
ReadyToMoveIt · 23/04/2022 09:39

Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 09:38

It’s not about the money or anything like that as a few have said. Some of my fondest memories with my grandparents are walking to the corner shop for a newspaper and pint of milk. It’s just the fact she puts in no effort whatsoever. They are dropped off, she doesn’t do anything with them, they watch tv/tablets then go to sleep. It’s the completely opposite from my grandparents (and they had less money and no car) so I was looking for perspective 😊

When they’re older your children will probably say that some of their fondest memories are chilling out with their grandma on a Saturday night!

Felix0204 · 23/04/2022 09:41

YABU my dads never done this the most he does is take her to town shopping. It's not his responsibility to take her out I'm just grateful for the sleepover.

PurpleRainbowSun · 23/04/2022 09:44

Is she the sort of person that likes going out generally? Some people just prefer to stay in their comfort zone.
Did she take you out much as a child?

Original poster
Cherrybizarre · 23/04/2022 09:55

Is she the sort of person that likes going out generally? Some people just prefer to stay in their comfort zone.
Did she take you out much as a child?

In a word she’s lazy. No she never took me out much as a child.

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 23/04/2022 09:58

You think her having your kids two nights a month is 'no effort' and you're annoyed about a 20 minute drive there? Unreal.

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