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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not feel sorry for Amber Heard even in light of evidence

331 replies

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 22/04/2022 13:55

I always loved Johnny Depp. Was really wanting to take his side, but the evidence being presented is making that impossible for me. But as much as I want to support women, I cannot warm to Amber Heard. is it patriarchal brainwashing? Is it that they both seem spoiled and behaving badly? Or something else?

OP posts:
alwaysontheloo · 22/04/2022 14:54

I read that he had employed a troll farm in the States to rip her reputation apart and firmly embed the suggestion that she was a liar all whilst bigging up Johnny.

I have also seen videos of him being absolutely abusive and throwing things at her. I don't doubt that she didn't cover herself in glory but maybe some of you would have been happier if AH had just followed the mantra of 'be kind' that us women get told all the time and just put up with it.
He is no prize. The way he dropped VP when a younger option came along was disgusting.
Whatever the outcome I believe her.

LetitiaLeghorn · 22/04/2022 14:55

TheKeatingFive · 22/04/2022 14:38

My post is about her because that's the title of the thread!!

there is no rule on here that only the person referenced in the thread title can be talked about.

it's more than legitimate to ask why either of them didn't leave, given the nature of the relationship.

The court case being fought right now is specifically about whether he abused her. He's suing because she claimed (though not directly) that he dif

You asked me why my focus was on her and I've told you because that was the title of the tthread. There may not be a rule on here that only the person referenced in the thread title can be talked about, but equally there's no rule that I have to talk about other people.

She was hitting him too. Why should he have to leave his own house? It was her doing the taping and complaining about him. So instead of trying to catch him out, or taking photos of him, or poohing in his bed, why didn't she just leave? She wasn't tied with children. She had enough money to support herself. She had plenty of friends for support.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2022 14:55

alwaysontheloo · 22/04/2022 14:54

I read that he had employed a troll farm in the States to rip her reputation apart and firmly embed the suggestion that she was a liar all whilst bigging up Johnny.

I have also seen videos of him being absolutely abusive and throwing things at her. I don't doubt that she didn't cover herself in glory but maybe some of you would have been happier if AH had just followed the mantra of 'be kind' that us women get told all the time and just put up with it.
He is no prize. The way he dropped VP when a younger option came along was disgusting.
Whatever the outcome I believe her.

And there is a recording of her admitting physical violence towards him. We don't know who was the instigator.

RocketPanda · 22/04/2022 14:59

@Scianel he ditched his partner of many years and Amber ditched the wife she abused. I don't think either of them are wholesome people.

BorderlineHappy · 22/04/2022 15:00

She has form for abusing partners,and she punched her sister.
Depp doesn't.
And I'm sorry but it seems to me he snapped after years of abuse.

How many women got off from killing their husbands using abused women syndrome.

Only in this case Depp is the one being abused.

The comments on this thread are disgusting, basically blaming Depp for being the victim.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2022 15:02

BorderlineHappy · 22/04/2022 15:00

She has form for abusing partners,and she punched her sister.
Depp doesn't.
And I'm sorry but it seems to me he snapped after years of abuse.

How many women got off from killing their husbands using abused women syndrome.

Only in this case Depp is the one being abused.

The comments on this thread are disgusting, basically blaming Depp for being the victim.

Except you weren't there, so you've got no idea if he is a victim or not. You're speculating just like everyone else.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/04/2022 15:02

She's a spoiled, abusive bitch.
He's a spoiled, dysfunctional bastard.

Meh.
Eat the rich!

TheKeatingFive · 22/04/2022 15:03

She was hitting him too. Why should he have to leave his own house? It was her doing the taping and complaining about him.

He could break up a relationship without leaving his own house. If you're going to ask it of her, it's just as legitimate to ask it of him.

It seems to have passed people by that this case is specifically about whether he abused her. That's what the jury needs to determine. And as other posts have pointed out, this shouldn't be dependent on whether she's likeable, nice, behaves like a 'victim' or blameless herself

AngelaRayner4PM · 22/04/2022 15:03

She probably abused her sister physically, there is a Video of her sisters friends asking her if her sister gave her bruises, whether she got the better of her again
Threatened to go NC with her parents if they spoke to him
She abused at least one ex partner (and was arrested for violence in one incident)
She abused her assistant.
She appropriated the role of victim to further her career, probably using another victims story as her own.
She also bruised Depp repeatedly through hitting him, threw bottles at him and severed the top of his finger doing so, and wouldn't let him walk away from an argument.

In my eyes it is indisputable to me whether she is an abuser or not.

I don't find him likeable, I question his integrity, he does seem to be acting a role and playing the lost puppy. But, I am less certain of his character. I feel like he is just a mess, tbh. If the roles were reversed it would be so easy to think that he was the victim if he was a woman, and in that case she would have been bear baiting him to the point that if he had reacted violently it would have been reactive/ self defence as you often see in abused women who flip after many years. But their sex does complicate things somewhat, and as a feminist this case just throws up so many questions for me. It has really made me deeply question my beliefs about domestic violence. I have seen a lot of clever men manipulate the court room that it is the ex who is crazy or abusive and actually they are the victim, but with amber heard it seems like she has a consistent pattern of abuse. That doesn't exonerate Depp but it does mean that if he is manipulating the public and court room maybe he is doing so out of a desperate desire to save his career and reputation and not as a means to punish heard. Of course there is money and public opinion at stake, it is a high stakes case in that sense but no kids (thank God!)

There are so many different ways you could interpret them and the case, but in my gut I feel like Depp is not the primary abuser. If you saw the message I sent about my abusive ex they weren't terribly nice either! I wouldn't want a courtroom reading out the colourful ways I had wanted him to die. But equally these messages are very nasty and misogynistic and unpleasant, so I don't think that makes them ok but also maybe understandably.

Idk I'm so conflicted about him. Defiantly no fan girl, I've always thought he was a bit odd tbh. But that doesn't mean he wasn't the victim of abuse does it? Nor does him being male. Male on female violence is more common, and systemic, but that doesn't mean that women especially narcissistic women in a position of great power and influence couldn't abuse a vulnerable man. Yes patriarchy gives men an advantage, as does physical strength. But psychologically Heard could have been far more dangerous than him and she also had the threat over him of destroying his career by appropriating the role of victim. Which sets female victims just back so, so far when she is being shown repeatedly to be a liar and an abuser. It feeds the misogynistic narrative and pisses me off.

gwanwyn · 22/04/2022 15:05

I think it was clearly a dysfunctional relationship with very bad behavior on both sides and in addition Depp is very possbly in need of some form of rehab.

Beyond that it the particular issues presented in the courts they are best decided by the courts who can see all the evidence.

But I'm not well disposed to either of them in light of press coverage.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/04/2022 15:05

Greensleeves · 22/04/2022 13:58

Warming to her - or not - is completely irrelevant. The issue is whether or not she has been a victim of male violence, and the rights and protections that ALL women and girls need both enshrined and enforced. It really doesn't matter whether or not you like her. Women shouldn't have to qualify for safety by being likeable.

Absolutely right.

Neither should men's experience of domestic violence be qualified by whether you think they look hot wearing guyliner.

LetitiaLeghorn · 22/04/2022 15:06

There is hard evidence of him being emotionally and verbally abusive though.
But the problem with this is that she set up the tapes and decided what and when to record. So we don't know what went down beforehand. And she knows she's taping him so obviously she's going to sound reasonable. It's clear from the tapes that when rows escalated, he tried to remove himself but she followed him because she said she didn't want him running away from the argument. So he's try to de-escalate and she wants to keep it going. He's high on drinks and drugs a large portion of the time, so I'm sure he's done wrong stuff, and I'm equally sure he'll lose this lawsuit, but she's equally abusive and very manipulative.

NippyWoowoo · 22/04/2022 15:06

@LetitiaLeghorn

My post is about her because that's the title of the thread!!

She claims she was being beaten and was scared of him. So why would she stay with him?

It was his house. They weren't even married two years. Why would he leave?

Curious, do you ask the same question of the scores of women on this site who detail experiences of their abuse at the hands of partners they've been with for years?
Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2022 15:08

LetitiaLeghorn · 22/04/2022 15:06

There is hard evidence of him being emotionally and verbally abusive though.
But the problem with this is that she set up the tapes and decided what and when to record. So we don't know what went down beforehand. And she knows she's taping him so obviously she's going to sound reasonable. It's clear from the tapes that when rows escalated, he tried to remove himself but she followed him because she said she didn't want him running away from the argument. So he's try to de-escalate and she wants to keep it going. He's high on drinks and drugs a large portion of the time, so I'm sure he's done wrong stuff, and I'm equally sure he'll lose this lawsuit, but she's equally abusive and very manipulative.

I agree she is abusive, I just don't think that saying he hasn't been violent means he's not also abusive. It was a relationship that should never have happened, 2 very toxic people together.

JudgeJ · 22/04/2022 15:08

Greensleeves · 22/04/2022 13:58

Warming to her - or not - is completely irrelevant. The issue is whether or not she has been a victim of male violence, and the rights and protections that ALL women and girls need both enshrined and enforced. It really doesn't matter whether or not you like her. Women shouldn't have to qualify for safety by being likeable.

Do his genes preclude him from being a victim of violence and worthy of protexction too?

AngelaRayner4PM · 22/04/2022 15:09

@DisappearingGirl

I agree. It makes me feel very uncomfortable that my gut is saying that. But it really is. It is why I have read so much on this case because it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

NippyWoowoo · 22/04/2022 15:11

@LetitiaLeghorn

There is hard evidence of him being emotionally and verbally abusive though. But the problem with this is that she set up the tapes and decided what and when to record. So we don't know what went down beforehand. And she knows she's taping him so obviously she's going to sound reasonable. It's clear from the tapes that when rows escalated, he tried to remove himself but she followed him because she said she didn't want him running away from the argument. So he's try to de-escalate and she wants to keep it going. He's high on drinks and drugs a large portion of the time, so I'm sure he's done wrong stuff, and I'm equally sure he'll lose this lawsuit, but she's equally abusive and very manipulative.
I don't think what potentially went down before hand justifies ? It's terrifying
KettrickenSmiled · 22/04/2022 15:13

How many women got off from killing their husbands using abused women syndrome.

You what now, @BorderlineHappy ?

Maybe apply to the High Court for a judicial review if you reckon women pushed beyond endurance over decades whose defence has been examined & accepted in law are just milking it 'cos they fancied a little killing spree?

While you're at it, you might run a quick search into the astonishing numbers of men who achieved minimal or non-existent sentencing for murdering women but pleading a one-off "provocation" or "rough sex" defence.
Assuming you have the critical faculties to assess the statistics, you might find it illuminating.

Shimy · 22/04/2022 15:15

Do you mean she poo-pooed his bed as in it's rubbish? surely not that she excreted in his bedConfused.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 22/04/2022 15:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Meltinthemiddle · 22/04/2022 15:15

Does anyone know where we can watch the trial? Is it on virgin? From what I've seen their relationship was toxic. However I do feel there is something very calculated about her. The constant recording almost at times felt like a set up especially when she was acting calm and questioning him. It just didn't seem genuine at all.

ForeverLooking · 22/04/2022 15:16

It was very clearly a toxic and abusive relationship from both sides with neither coming across as the sole victim. Just two fucked up narcissistic idiots who wanted to be in charge.
To be honest I think the court cases have been utterly pointless and ruined both of their reputations and careers. They would have been better realising they were awful together and walking away. Instead, in their haste to destroy each other they have massively fucked themselves over. Nobody knows the real story and never will as both sides will paint themselves as the main victim. What is clear as day is they both have done terrible things to each other and to other people and if they don't work again in Hollywood because of it then that's no bad thing.

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 22/04/2022 15:16

The way I read it, JD comes across as someone with temper when he drinks/does drugs and turns to smashing things up. AH has openly admitted to assaulting him. Her ‘covert’ videos show him trashing objects, not her. Neither come out of this well but if we’re talking physical abuse here then I believe AH to be the abuser. I wouldn’t want to live with either of them!

AngelaRayner4PM · 22/04/2022 15:17

@Shimy

Do you mean she poo-pooed his bed as in it's rubbish? surely not that she excreted in his bedConfused.
She did a shit in his bed then got room service to clean it up and told them it was just a prank
Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2022 15:19

Shimy · 22/04/2022 15:15

Do you mean she poo-pooed his bed as in it's rubbish? surely not that she excreted in his bedConfused.

She did.

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