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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2022 22:29

@LuckySantangelo35

Although I would deffo not be going to Disney for my birthday trip, fuck that! Have you thought about the Caribbean or Mexico OP? Just you and your mate? Whatever activities you fancy, lie ins, loads of cocktails. Leave the kids with their dads
YES

That's what I'm saying!

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 22:29

If it’s just you and 3 year old child in cabin it will be expensive you’ll have to pay 2 adults (I know I priced thinking I might go again just with DD)

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 22:29

I can see slightly more why DH might not want to go without him with it being Disney but that doesn't change the fact that you still can and should. You are entitled to your own life and friendship circle, this is the nature of choosing to be with someone other than their child's other parent for DH.

BoredZelda · 19/04/2022 22:30

I think it's unusual that you are closer bonded with your friend and her child, than you are with your H and DSs. It's an unusual set up to exclude your is. Husband (and his child) for your big celebration

My sister and I went on a trip for my 40th. As I’m a grown up, I was also able to have a celebration with my husband and daughter when we came back. It’s not that I’m closer to my sister than my husband, it’s that I love spending time with just her too.

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 22:30

It's likely that the DH doesn't think in terms of a "second family." His family is his wife and his two children, including his oldest child.

It isn't just about what HE thinks.

BlueFkingTicks · 19/04/2022 22:32

@Mingmoo

I would love to read the responses to a thread about DH taking his DC away for a Disney cruise with his friend, leaving OP out unless she's prepared to leave her older DC behind even though she'd offered to pay. I just can't get my head around this – but then I don't understand why adults would get excited about a Disney cruise.
exactly. I don't understand people defending OP telling her she's being completely reasonable!
MiddleParking · 19/04/2022 22:33

The issue though is that OP’s husband is not accepting his disinvitation with good grace and thinking of how to best enjoy the quality time with his child while his wife and younger DC are away. Instead he’s trying to cajole OP into inviting both him and his child on holiday with her friend, and offering to pay the difference to go in school holidays (presumably he’s not offering to also pay the difference for the OP’s friend and her kids, and for a Disney cruise I’d guess the cost difference to go in summer holidays could be significant). I have young kids and all my friends have young kids - I’d happily go on holiday with any of them but if one of my friends told me she was also bringing along an unrelated older child relative of hers who I didn’t know I’d say no thanks Confused

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 22:33

@BlueFkingTicks

You'd rather go on holiday with your friend than your DH?

Sorry, you sound terribly entitled and self centered.

@BlueFkingTicks Aye what’s wrong with that? When you get married you don’t have to be joined at the hip you know!
phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 22:34

So the husbands miss out a once in a lifetime opportunity of seeing their children enjoying a Disney Cruise?

He could always pay for another. OP and her friend are paying for this trip. The DH is not nor has it been said if he is going to pay for him, DSS, and the cost it would be to OP’s friend if they changed the dates considering it’s the friend and her two children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 22:35

@OrangeGrovesAplenty

What the husband thinks is irrelevant in this instance, because it’s not his milestone birthday holiday. Totally irrelevant! 😊

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 19/04/2022 22:36

YANBU. Definitely go on the trip with your friend and your DCs.

I find it odd that people can’t understand that it’s fine to go on a big holiday without your partner. You’re not joined at the hip. I wonder if these are the same type that become distanced from their friends when they get married and their husband becomes their whole life, or maybe don’t have a particularly close relationship with friends so don’t understand the dynamic.

If this was a trip with your sister and her DC etc. I think the response would be different.

Go and enjoy yourself!!! (It’s okay to prioritise your needs, it doesn’t make you selfish).

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 22:36

I have young kids and all my friends have young kids - I’d happily go on holiday with any of them but if one of my friends told me she was also bringing along an unrelated older child relative of hers who I didn’t know I’d say no thanks

Exactly, and expecting me to pay for summer holiday prices to make it work, too.

People just hear "step child" on here and don't actually think.

LumpyandBumps · 19/04/2022 22:37

If the DH’s weren’t mad keen from the start they are possibly not huge Disney fans, so don’t take them. My DH hates anything Disney and I always took the children without him as he didn’t see ‘the magic’
I hope you and your friend and your pre schoolers have a great girly time celebrating your significant birthdays as you choose.
You will have many years to come where you will be confined to the hot crowds of school holidays.
It seems ok to many on here for fathers to go away on lads holidays leaving DC behind to celebrate their manly birthdays.
Don’t listen to anyone who accuses you of being selfish or self indulgent for wanting to celebrate your way once every 10 years or so.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/04/2022 22:39

My friends husband wouldn't come if mine wasn't and my friends fine with that

Problem solved. Go with your friend and the young DC and have a great time.

As a step mother you are obviously evil for not centering your entirely life around the older DSS
You are also of course evil and usurping the True Mother if you do centre the DSS.

Of course you are also obviously wrong if your family does things differently from any poster who would shrivel and die if they didn't take the extended family and great aunt Maud with them.

So don't waste the brain cycles, just go and have fun with your friend and let DH plan the Summer holiday.

AnneElliott · 19/04/2022 22:42

I don't think it's odd for you to go with your friend and your DCs. I do it a lot and leave H at home!!

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 22:42

My response wouldn’t be any different if OP was going with someone else. I assume this holiday is hideously expensive and not in the same league as their normal family holiday. I would find it odd to spend more on a holiday with other people than I would with my partner and DC, especially as the holiday you are going on is very much a family type holiday

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 22:43

exactly. I don't understand people defending OP telling her she's being completely reasonable!

Probably because, it’s her birthday, she is paying for this trip, it is her best friend’s birthday who is also paying for this trip, and neither best friend’s DH or hers are going and DH is only thinking of the cost for him and his DS and ignoring the cost it could be for OP’s best friend and her children who are also going and whether or not they could afford to go if they move the date.

If her DH has the money for him and his DS to go then he could easily take him to something Disney or a different amusement park on his own which would be much more fun than having to consider his younger sibling who will likely not be interested in the same things as him.

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 22:45

Is the DS going allowed to have a girly time too @LumpyandBumps?

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 22:46

I assume the DC will go to clubs on the cruise so the older child would just do a different club. It’s not like you are walking round a theme park

KristalBall90 · 19/04/2022 22:47

You’d really go off on a Disney holiday with the rest of your family and leave one child behind because he’s not yours?

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/04/2022 22:50

@Haaaaliday

I didn't want to say exactly where it was as I know people get funny about it. But it's a Disney cruise stopping at castaway cay
Have to say I don’t get the thrill doing this

Esp for a birthday and with young kids

Far nicer to go away just you and her for some chill time minus dc

But horses for courses

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 22:57

@KristalBall90

You’d really go off on a Disney holiday with the rest of your family and leave one child behind because he’s not yours?
@KristalBall90 Errr yes! Presumably his mother wouldn’t pay for OP’s child to go on her big milestone birthday trip should she have one. Cop on
ZenNudist · 19/04/2022 22:58

I think it's mean. You've not got many more years to do younger things with DSS. A 10yo will have a blast on a disney cruise. I think if some children in your family are at school you can't just take the younger ones who aren't. If it doesn't suit your friend then you need to rethink your friendships. This isn't just a casual acquaintance, it's your husband's son. I think your friend is an excuse. You can't push off on an amazing holiday and leave him out, regardless of if your DH backs out, it's still you and his step sibling. Shitty thing to do IMO. Please rethink.

Also lots of families manage to combine wider age groups. I was in the park today with a group of children ranging from about 4 to 11. They all hung out nicely. On a cruise a 10yo will make friends and dad will be about to take him on whatever suits 10yo whilst you and friend do whatever suits 3yo. Divide and conquer, it's what most families do.

Duchess379 · 19/04/2022 23:03

Tell DH it's a girls holiday. If he wants a family holiday he can book that himself during the 6 week break.

Walkingalot · 19/04/2022 23:04

YANBU - absolutely not. It's yours and your friends special birthday and you've planned a special holiday with your same age kids. Throwing another older child into the mix won't work and it's not fair on your friend. When my DS was little, just a day out with older step-siblings was a headache. A whole week and you'll be stressed out trying to juggle everyone being happy.

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