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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
KristalBall90 · 19/04/2022 23:05

But DSS is a part of OP’s family, which I assume OP took into consideration when she married her DH.

I couldn’t personally sit around the dinner table a week later chatting about how amazing this Disney holiday holiday was knowing that I’d purposely excluded one of the children sitting in front of me.

MalagaNights · 19/04/2022 23:08

Your mistake was suggesting your DH could come.

Instead tell both DHs this is a friends trip with just your kids doing something special to you and your friend. Not a family holiday,
DH isn't invited so neither is DSS.

Do a family holiday in the summer with DH and all the kids.

Have a wonderful time, it sounds lovely to have such a close friend where you enjoy the children together. And a Disney cruise with undre 5s would be wonderful!

billy1966 · 19/04/2022 23:10

@Iflyaway

Tell him it's a girl's holiday.

Sorted.

He should be open to that.

This.

Enjoy your holiday.

SenecaFallsRedux · 19/04/2022 23:17

Your mistake was suggesting your DH could come.

I agree. You say in your OP that you don't want your big birthday to be a family holiday. Having your husband come along turns it into a family holiday, with one family member excluded, if your stepson is not included.

So the solution is for the husbands not to come.

RussianSpy101 · 19/04/2022 23:19

I don’t agree it changes the dynamic. Ok if you don’t want your step son there but just say it.
My DC are 9, 5 & 2 and our family holidays are brilliant. I’m assuming your child is a similar age to one of my sons so you’re wrong to think you can’t do things your child will enjoy with a 9 year old.

RussianSpy101 · 19/04/2022 23:23

I’ve just seen you've chosen a Disney cruise for your once in a lifetime 40th birthday holiday 🙈

Creameggs223 · 19/04/2022 23:24

A big family holiday? 1 extra child regardless off age makes no difference, I hope your not this hostile to the child when he visits his dad. Also their is plenty of time to meet your friend and their children before the holiday your just looking for excuses, why marry a man when you know he has a dc that you don't like?

Threetulips · 19/04/2022 23:26

I’d happily go on holiday with a friend and take the kids, husband goes away with his friends. Nothing wrong in that. It’s nice to be away from reality sometimes.

I really don’t get husband and wives stick to each other, and finishing each other’s sentences - time apart keeps things alive.

Thestoppedfan · 19/04/2022 23:27

I think YABU imagine being your DSS and finding out your brother has gone to Disney and you weren’t invited…. Regardless of the reasons for the trip he will always remember the feeling of exclusion.

Booklover3 · 19/04/2022 23:30

I don’t see the problem if your DH’s don’t go.

Djmaggie · 19/04/2022 23:32

DH and I do have breaks away without each other so I don’t find that odd but I wouldn’t take DS on a once in a life time trip without his Dad. That would be something we would both want to take him on together. If your Husband isn’t bothered about missing out then obviously that’s fine. However it sounds like maybe he is and that’s why he is suggesting that everybody goes.

a1poshpaws · 19/04/2022 23:35

Tell your husband "NO". The idea was yours and your friend's, it was specific and you don't want the dynamic changed. Unless he's truly thick, he can surely understand that? Fine if he wants to go on holiday later in the year with you and the DC and your stepson, but no - he doesn't get to f*ck up a specific holiday that you're really looking forward to.

kkr168 · 19/04/2022 23:37

@Haaaaliday

He’d hate you forever and rightly so

He'd hate me forever for going on holiday without him or his dad? Jeez.

Believe it or not I have actually been away without him before! And so far no hate.

And as for him being my son now... I'll let his mum know. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear that.

I was never included in any of my dad's & stepmum's holidays, I may not have given them the impression that I cared but I can tell you it bloody hurt.
The one that hurt the most was when they went to disney, it's every kids dream to go.
phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 23:44

I think YABU imagine being your DSS and finding out your brother has gone to Disney and you weren’t invited…. Regardless of the reasons for the trip he will always remember the feeling of exclusion.

Or his father could take him on his own during the summer if his mother wouldn’t want him to miss school? Why is this seemingly not an option?

SmallPrawnEnergy · 19/04/2022 23:44

You’ve already decided you’re not unreasonable and what you’re doing so… what exactly is the point of this post?

drpet49 · 19/04/2022 23:48

Disney Cruise Hmm

grapewines · 19/04/2022 23:50

I don't know why you posted either, except maybe you wanted to be told it's OK to leave the 10 year old out. Many people have told you it is. I think it's mean. But you don't want to hear that, so that's whatever.

Hope his dad is decent, stays home from this trip and takes him away somewhere great instead.

bridgetreilly · 20/04/2022 00:00

This is a really weird thing to do. Why are you going on a once in a lifetime holiday without your partner? YABU and selfish not to include him and his son.

MichelleScarn · 20/04/2022 00:00

I think YABU imagine being your DSS and finding out your brother has gone to Disney and you weren’t invited…. Regardless of the reasons for the trip he will always remember the feeling of exclusion. does that go both ways? The dss can't go and do things with his mum (remember dads not going on this hol, so it's not a dad's taking them away) unless the siblings get that opportunity too?

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 07:17

Thestoppedfan · 19/04/2022 23:27

I think YABU imagine being your DSS and finding out your brother has gone to Disney and you weren’t invited…. Regardless of the reasons for the trip he will always remember the feeling of exclusion.

The exact same thing could happen the other way around? What if his mum decides to take him to Disney. Is my child allowed to be upset and hate him forever?

As I've said repeatedly, DH isn't coming without DSS so that's a non issue, his Dad won't be there

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 07:18

I was never included in any of my dad's & stepmum's holidays

We go on many holidays together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 07:33

I agree the mistake was saying the DHs could come. We've always thought of it more as a girls holiday with the DC but just sort of added on the 'you can come if you want' knowing that neither likely would 🤣

My husband isn't a Disney person at all.

OP posts:
gannett · 20/04/2022 07:59

You obviously don't really see your stepson as part of your family. Not really. If you had a 10yo of your own you wouldn't dream of leaving them behind while you went off with their younger sibling to Disney. None of this stuff about school holidays or different ages would be a factor at all.

Especially as Disney is very much a CHILD'S dream holiday. If your dream holiday with your bestie was more about museums or spa days or sightseeing and you were just taking along the very little kids, that's one thing. A 10yo wouldn't mind not going. But most 10yos would be pretty gutted to miss out on a Disney holiday - imagine how he'll feel when his brother comes back all excited about what you've done. (Of course, if the 10yo is really not a Disney kind of child, it wouldn't matter as much - I wouldn't have been thrilled by Disney at 10. I suspect you'd have told us this by now though.)

You're obviously determined to just do what you want to do anyway, so whatever. But if it's obvious to me that you don't see your stepson as part of your family it'll be obvious to him and your husband (which is why your husband objected despite not caring about birthdays or Disney himself - he's being a good dad). I hope your husband is planning something extra-special for his son while you're away (I have a suspicion this thought would've never crossed your mind).

Oh and separately all the talk of "girly holidays" really does my head in. Gender-segregated socialising is a bore at the best of times but dividing up families based on "the girls" and "the boys" takes it to an even more stupid level.

Threetulips · 20/04/2022 08:07

Oh and separately all the talk of "girly holidays" really does my head in. Gender-segregated socialising is a bore at the best of times but dividing up families based on "the girls" and "the boys" takes it to an even more stupid level

what rubbish. I enjoy female company. Woman and men enjoy different things. It’s nice to get space away from your partner and do something you’ve always wanted to do. Maybe for the first time OP is in a position to do this, and why not. We’ve had a lot going on in the last few years, now is the time to spread our wings and have some fun.

you may not agree, but those are your choices, we don’t all feel the same way.

Ive don’t Disney and the kids loved it, and I would go again, loads of adult only groups were obvious in the parks. Disney isn’t just for children.

if OP is paying her own tickets, she decides what happens.

Tereseta · 20/04/2022 08:08

Why would you go in the school holidays and potentially double the price of the holiday. I think is DSS dad is not going there is no issue. Girls holiday with the little ones sounds lovely. Especially as you said that there will be a family holiday in the summer.