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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 22:09

@123cupcake4

Let both husbands and dss come and they can do some things with dss whilst you do the stuff you want then join up for the other half of the days.
We don't want to go in school holidays. My friend has even less reason to want to do that.
OP posts:
MiddleParking · 19/04/2022 22:09

Your husband’s got a serious brass neck. Why would your mate who hasn’t got school age children want to change her birthday trip to school holidays to suit his kid, who she doesn’t know?

BoredZelda · 19/04/2022 22:10

I don’t really understand the issue here - what dynamic? Why wouldn’t small children get on perfectly well with a 10 year old?

Oh come on. It’s not too much of a stretch to understand that what small children enjoy and 10 year olds enjoy are completely different. We did holidays with my nephew aged 11 and daughter aged 3. We had to make sure we organised stuff he would enjoy or he’d have been bored stupid. It meant one of us going off with him whilst my daughter was napping.

@Haaaaliday you’re not unreasonable for wanting the holiday you want, when you want it. Stick to the out of school holidays plan as your friend shouldn’t have to pay those prices either. That should sort the issue if his mother won’t allow him out of school. If your husband won’t go anywhere in case his kid misses out, that’s his issue.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2022 22:11

@angelaEhen

Little kids love Big kids, so I don't see any problem with him coming. Just invite him and leave it up to his mum to decide. Although it does sound like you're looking for a reason to exclude him
Big kids often get fed up with little kids.

And if the plans don't involve things he was interested in, they would have to change.

Mrsmch123 · 19/04/2022 22:11

Well since he will be nearly 11 by the time you go why not spend the next year with him getting to know your friend and her kids.I think it's really mean to ask your husband to leave him out. Either all the kids go or none.

Glitterbaby17 · 19/04/2022 22:13

I don’t see a problem if you want to do all the fun Disney magic stuff with your little kids and no husbands are going. Costs so much more in school holidays and totally different needs. Can understand your husband not wanting to go but you should go and enjoy

Watapalava · 19/04/2022 22:14

Oh god your update makes you sound terrible op

You seem convinced of you own point of view regardless so not sure why you’ve made a thread?

A Disney cruise is a family holiday! You sound rather self absorbed. You can eschew what you like but off mumsnet you will be talked about!

DeedlessIndeed · 19/04/2022 22:15

@dreamingbohemian - this is pure speculation, but I'd wager that if OP is anything like the women I know then she will put herself second to her family 99 times out of 100.

Are women really begrudged for once not putting their family above what they want. Especially on a big birthday? They literally only happen once in every 10 years FFS.

BlueFkingTicks · 19/04/2022 22:15

You'd rather go on holiday with your friend than your DH?

Sorry, you sound terribly entitled and self centered.

Chewbecca · 19/04/2022 22:19

I think it’s fine, excellent in fact.

SC don’t have to come on EVERY holiday their parent takes with their 2nd family. Book another, family trip in the summer holidays which includes DSS.

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 22:19

@BlueFkingTicks

You'd rather go on holiday with your friend than your DH?

Sorry, you sound terribly entitled and self centered.

What a weird and unhealthy thing to think.
phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 22:19

The dss dm isn't the shared parent...

And neither is OP. The shared parent is her DH and he should be taking his son somewhere and spending quality time alone with him if he feels so guilty.

Mingmoo · 19/04/2022 22:19

I would love to read the responses to a thread about DH taking his DC away for a Disney cruise with his friend, leaving OP out unless she's prepared to leave her older DC behind even though she'd offered to pay. I just can't get my head around this – but then I don't understand why adults would get excited about a Disney cruise.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 19/04/2022 22:20

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable to want to go on this holiday with your friend and both sets of kids. But if you don’t want to go in the school holidays or take DSS then it would be a good idea to just make it a girls trip and not invite the husbands. That would totally avoid the argument that you are leaving out DSS.

newname12345 · 19/04/2022 22:21

@DeedlessIndeed This isn't a girls weekend or a typical big birthday holiday. Its taking DC on a Disney Cruise - I would struggle to think of anything that was more of a family holiday.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2022 22:22

I think it's unusual that you are closer bonded with your friend and her child, than you are with your H and DSs. It's an unusual set up to exclude your is. Husband (and his child) for your big celebration
Its perfectly reasonable to have more than one close relationship I'm your life and to celebrate with different people. If this was OPs sister and niblings would it be so terribly weird to go away with her? Sometimes friendships are as close as family

shivermetimbers77 · 19/04/2022 22:22

I agree with other posters who say just go with your friend and the little ones. If the husbands come then I think it will feel like the stepson is the only one excluded and could feel very hurtful to him.

Darbs76 · 19/04/2022 22:23

I don’t see the problem, as others have said you can go with your friend and have another holiday in the summer holiday

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 22:25

Although I would deffo not be going to Disney for my birthday trip, fuck that!
Have you thought about the Caribbean or Mexico OP? Just you and your mate? Whatever activities you fancy, lie ins, loads of cocktails.
Leave the kids with their dads

newname12345 · 19/04/2022 22:26

@shivermetimbers77 So the husbands miss out a once in a lifetime opportunity of seeing their children enjoying a Disney Cruise?

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 22:26

I went on Disney Dream to Bahamas for my 40th. It is a fabulous holiday and I can understand your desire to go for a special birthday. There’s included kids clubs, plus spa, cocktail tasting and adult only dining.
But personally I don’t think I could exclude DSS knowing he’d love it. A cruise is much easier to manage with age difference than the parks with age appropriate kids clubs.
Price wise the cruises are less affected by our school hols as the market is mainly American - late August price drops.
If it’s the new Wish not the Dream then that looks really geared to boys - marvel, star wars etc.

Josette77 · 19/04/2022 22:27

A Disney cruise? I would bring everyone. It sounds like a family holiday.

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2022 22:27

[quote DeedlessIndeed]@dreamingbohemian - this is pure speculation, but I'd wager that if OP is anything like the women I know then she will put herself second to her family 99 times out of 100.

Are women really begrudged for once not putting their family above what they want. Especially on a big birthday? They literally only happen once in every 10 years FFS.[/quote]
Well then maybe that's why I don't understand, personally I do make an effort to do fun things without my family as well. It's not a once every 10 years kind of thing.

But in any case the OP is talking about a trip of a lifetime. Something she'll never do again that is a totally family oriented trip. I don't really understand prioritising a friend and her kids over my own family for that kind of trip.

I would understand it much more if she was like, I want to go to Rio or Sydney or Tokyo with my best friend, without any kids. Then I'd be saying go for it!

OrangeGrovesAplenty · 19/04/2022 22:27

SC don’t have to come on EVERY holiday their parent takes with their 2nd family

It's likely that the DH doesn't think in terms of a "second family." His family is his wife and his two children, including his oldest child.

OliveOyl321 · 19/04/2022 22:28

@Dameputtingonabraveface

Tell DH to arrange something in school holidays separately for you all if this is what he wants. This is a trip with your friend and your children- they are not being excluded, it has never been planned as the type of trip he is proposing.
^ I agree.