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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
newname12345 · 19/04/2022 21:46

@Booboobagins Without knowing what the holiday is its impossible to say if DSS will enjoy it or not. If for example it is Disney in Orlando then I can guarantee he will enjoy it.

LampLighter414 · 19/04/2022 21:49

@MarinoRoyale

Well it already is going to be a family holiday if you originally intended your DH and the child you have together to come. So it just sounds like you want to exclude your DSS.
This
dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2022 21:51

I just don't really understand bringing 3 tiny children on a once in a lifetime trip like this. Unless it's Disney (which you haven't said) it's bound to limit what you guys can do, and you'll be shelling out an absolute fortune to bring 3 kids who might not enjoy it and won't remember it.

To spend all that money, it would make sense to make it a family trip with your DH and both kids OR go just with your friend so it's cheaper and you can put the difference toward a family holiday.

I do loads of travel and things with people other than my DH but if I ever had a chance to do a once in a lifetime type trip, he'd be my first choice to go with.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 21:53

I didn't want to say exactly where it was as I know people get funny about it. But it's a Disney cruise stopping at castaway cay

OP posts:
Clymene · 19/04/2022 21:53

Wow the twisting here is something else.

The OP did not originally intend for her husband to come. Her opening post says:

Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either. ... DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

She said he could come if he wanted. It's her birthday. She wants to do a thing with her kid and her friend and her kid. Husbands are welcome.

I'm sure her DSS gets lots of holidays and fun things with his mum which the OP's son isn't invited to.

Step mothers really are treated appallingly on MN

DSGR · 19/04/2022 21:56

You can’t not take a 10yo on a Disney cruise. How awful.
Just go on a holiday somewhere with your friend and take your entire family (including your step son) on the cruise another date.
It does sound to me like you’re trying to exclude him

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 21:57

@Watapalava

That’s not to say you shouldn’t go with your mate

I just can’t get my head round what’s essentially a family holiday without your husband

@Watapalava

It’s not a family holiday. It’s a birthday trip to celebrate OPs birthday. ‘Faaaaamily’ are irrelevant for once here..

grapewines · 19/04/2022 21:58

@MarinoRoyale

Well it already is going to be a family holiday if you originally intended your DH and the child you have together to come. So it just sounds like you want to exclude your DSS.
This really is what it sounds like.
phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 21:58

So all it takes is for one poster to think it’s Disney with next to no evidence and other posters assuming that it is, making it out as OP being an evil stepmother for wanting to enjoy her birthday with her child and her best friend and her children where both are paying for themselves and able to afford said trip because their children won’t be in school.

Will also point out that OP’s best friend may not be available to change the date and it wouldn’t be fair to have her change her plans for a trip she is paying for to accommodate another child she barely knows.

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 21:58

I think a Disney Cruise is the definition of a family holiday

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 21:59

[quote newname12345]@Booboobagins Without knowing what the holiday is its impossible to say if DSS will enjoy it or not. If for example it is Disney in Orlando then I can guarantee he will enjoy it.[/quote]
@newname12345

It’s irrelevant whether he would enjoy it or not. It’s not his birthday trip, it’s OP’s (in case you and some other posters had forgotten)

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 21:59

Just saw your update.

The last bit still stands and it wasn’t Disney in Orlando.

Maydaysoonenough · 19/04/2022 22:00

Your dss is your dc's sibling.. You have a skewed view if that doesn't make him your family.

newname12345 · 19/04/2022 22:00

@LuckySantangelo35 Doesn't taking DC on a Disney Cruise automatically make it a family holiday?

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 22:00

@toomuchlaundry

I think a Disney Cruise is the definition of a family holiday
@toomuchlaundry

The location is irrelevant. It’s OPs birthday trip. Doesn’t matter whether DSS would like it.

Tuters · 19/04/2022 22:01

@Haaaaliday

I didn't want to say exactly where it was as I know people get funny about it. But it's a Disney cruise stopping at castaway cay
I say that as a step-Mum my DSS would have been devastated if I'd just taken DS to Disney, you know that's not nice OP.
Blondeshavemorefun · 19/04/2022 22:01

Obviously we need to know where you are going

Once in a lifetime holiday - sure that’s can’t be Disney as not that thrilling for an adult and their birthday

Why not go away with friend and leave kids with dh

No dss doesn’t always need to be invited to stuff you do

As long as there is a family holiday for the 4 of you. Dh you dss and ds

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2022 22:01

@toomuchlaundry

I think a Disney Cruise is the definition of a family holiday
I mean yes exactly, come on

OP go on the cruise with your family and do something a bit more wild and crazy with your best friend for your birthdays, without the kids.

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 22:04

Your dss is your dc's sibling.. You have a skewed view if that doesn't make him your family.

So her DSS’s mum should expect to take OP’s child on a birthday trip if she has one and chooses to take her child? Or is it only when it’s stepmothers?

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2022 22:05

I can definitely understand why your DH would be hurt that you want to take this kind of once in a lifetime trip but with your friend and her kids rather than him and his son

You can keep saying 'but it's my birthday' all you want but you're a grown woman, turning 30 or 40 or whatever is not more important than your family. There are literally a million other things you could do for your birthday that would cause no drama.

123cupcake4 · 19/04/2022 22:07

Let both husbands and dss come and they can do some things with dss whilst you do the stuff you want then join up for the other half of the days.

Maydaysoonenough · 19/04/2022 22:08

The dss dm isn't the shared parent...

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 22:08

It's not just my birthday either it's my friends too. I can't just tell her we're going somewhere else.

Does it sound better if I say we've (me and DC) have been invited to her birthday treat? 🤣

OP posts:
Mooster62 · 19/04/2022 22:08

Where you are going and why is totally irrelevant. You are entitled go on holiday without your DP and DSS. You don't always need to include everyone. I have been on holiday without my husband, without my children, without one child.....whatever works best for you. Don't flannel, just say this is what's happening!

DeedlessIndeed · 19/04/2022 22:08

But it's OPs birthday present?

DC's mum (OP) is treating them, which she wants to do, with her friend.

It was agreed DCs dad wasn't going to go.

Provided DSS is treated by his mum and dad to nice holiday's, what is the problem? Why is it OPs responsibility to take him on a girls weekend when that isn't what she wants?