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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/04/2022 08:11

It does sound like you’re leaving your stepson out to me; you’re all supposed to be one family not you and your child then him and his dad. Especially as it’s a Disney holiday, seems even more unkind to not bring them. He and his dad can do stuff without you and the smaller one on the cruise but you can all enjoy it. Seems a bit mean to me

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:13

Should DSS's mum only be allowed to do things with him that my son would find sufficiently boring enough to not get jealous? Or is it okay for him to do fun things with his Mum?

I guess I just don't understand why my child can't enjoy a holiday with his mum and his friends. My husband wouldn't be going so none of this issue about him being left by his dad.

How is that any different to when his Mum takes him away?

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:16

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2022 08:11

It does sound like you’re leaving your stepson out to me; you’re all supposed to be one family not you and your child then him and his dad. Especially as it’s a Disney holiday, seems even more unkind to not bring them. He and his dad can do stuff without you and the smaller one on the cruise but you can all enjoy it. Seems a bit mean to me

And what do I tell my friend? Who's birthday it also is. Sorry you'll have to pay double the price to go in school holidays even though you don't want to. It's not just my holiday, it's hers and her children's as well.

OP posts:
Moochio · 20/04/2022 08:17

Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:13

Should DSS's mum only be allowed to do things with him that my son would find sufficiently boring enough to not get jealous? Or is it okay for him to do fun things with his Mum?

I guess I just don't understand why my child can't enjoy a holiday with his mum and his friends. My husband wouldn't be going so none of this issue about him being left by his dad.

How is that any different to when his Mum takes him away?

It's not, you are absolutely fine. Some people just get overly precious about DSC and assume they won't understand.

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2022 08:18

Seems like you’re pretty determined that it’s going to happen; just don’t be surprised if you upset your stepson and your husband by going ahead with it

gannett · 20/04/2022 08:18

Woman and men enjoy different things.

I have a wide variety of interests and activities I like doing and not a single one of them is dependent on my genitalia. IMO reinforcing the idea that women are like THIS and men are like THAT is very unhealthy for children.

Of course time apart from your partner is OK though.

Aprilx · 20/04/2022 08:19

Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:13

Should DSS's mum only be allowed to do things with him that my son would find sufficiently boring enough to not get jealous? Or is it okay for him to do fun things with his Mum?

I guess I just don't understand why my child can't enjoy a holiday with his mum and his friends. My husband wouldn't be going so none of this issue about him being left by his dad.

How is that any different to when his Mum takes him away?

I think that is the wrong perspective. I see more of an issue that two children with the same father, one gets to live with him all the time and trips to Disney and the other doesn’t. That he isn’t going makes it slightly better, but from a child’s point of view maybe not.

I can’t get over that you would prioritise your friend and her children over your husband and his child. If my husband did that to me, I would consider my marriage over.

Moochio · 20/04/2022 08:20

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2022 08:18

Seems like you’re pretty determined that it’s going to happen; just don’t be surprised if you upset your stepson and your husband by going ahead with it

Is OP not allowed to do anything by herself with her own child?

gannett · 20/04/2022 08:24

*Should DSS's mum only be allowed to do things with him that my son would find sufficiently boring enough to not get jealous? Or is it okay for him to do fun things with his Mum?

I guess I just don't understand why my child can't enjoy a holiday with his mum and his friends. My husband wouldn't be going so none of this issue about him being left by his dad.

How is that any different to when his Mum takes him away?*

Even in this post it's massively obvious you don't consider your stepson part of your family! You've drawn a clear dividing line between your actual son and this other kid who has another mum, and providing for him is her problem not yours. Yes of course it's technically true that she's his mum and you're not but as a stepparent you have a responsibility to play a parental role to some extent and fundamental to that is treating your kids equally.

Like I say, if you had a 10yo of your own you'd get this instinctively.

And obviously the whole "dream holiday" aspect of it makes it different from your standard annual summer holiday. It's not just about going away without him - you and your son will be raving about this and the memories you've made for years to come. And that's when your stepson will really feel excluded.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:25

I'm not prioritising anything, as PPs have said, if my husband has the money to go in school holidays he can do that. I would never stop him. If he wants to go again in the summer holidays then fine, great! He could even have lovely one on one time with DSS which I'm sure he'd love.

My husband was fine with this plan and happy not to go until recently, after me and my friend had been discussing it for a while and are about to try and book. My husband who whilst I do go on lots of nice holidays with, has never once shown any interest in going anywhere Disney.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:27

Moochio · 20/04/2022 08:20

Is OP not allowed to do anything by herself with her own child?

Show quote history

Only if it's something DSS wouldn't like it seems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:28

I can go to a spa or a museum with my son because that's boring enough 🤣

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 20/04/2022 08:30

Aprilx · 20/04/2022 08:19

I think that is the wrong perspective. I see more of an issue that two children with the same father, one gets to live with him all the time and trips to Disney and the other doesn’t. That he isn’t going makes it slightly better, but from a child’s point of view maybe not.

I can’t get over that you would prioritise your friend and her children over your husband and his child. If my husband did that to me, I would consider my marriage over.

Show quote history

Well the child that doesn't live with him now gets an extended opportunity to spend time with Dad alone, without the toddler there instead of being dragged on a holiday aimed at entertaining a group of toddlers.
When the plans were made, DH was fine. Now he's saying oh just change everything about it so I can come. Tell your friend she has to go in the holidays when it's much busier and that we need to add in activities for an older child who's going to need extra accommodations for bedtime and which will change the vibe with the idler kid and husbands.

If the 10 yo wants to do a Disney Cruise, Dad can take him in the holidays.

Its perfectly fine to do something that means not being attached to your husband at all times

Branleuse · 20/04/2022 08:32

I think id say to your dp that its fine that he is going to sit it out but youre not changing the dates and making it a big family thing as it will change the whole thing, but maybe he can arrange a whole family trip later without your friend.
Also tell your friend to uninvite her dh

Aprilx · 20/04/2022 08:32

Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:25

I'm not prioritising anything, as PPs have said, if my husband has the money to go in school holidays he can do that. I would never stop him. If he wants to go again in the summer holidays then fine, great! He could even have lovely one on one time with DSS which I'm sure he'd love.

My husband was fine with this plan and happy not to go until recently, after me and my friend had been discussing it for a while and are about to try and book. My husband who whilst I do go on lots of nice holidays with, has never once shown any interest in going anywhere Disney.

You seem determined to draw a clear line between your half of the family and your DHs. Do things separately. And if my husband said to me that no I am not coming on his special birthday holiday bit if I have the money I can go by myself another time, no I would not be happy.

I don’t see why your husband needs to have long expressed a wish to go to Disney to want to go to Disney. He wants to come on the trip, he wants both his children to experience Disney and for you to go as a family. You have chosen your friend and her children. I will call that prioritising your friend over your husband and your stepchild.

ShandaLear · 20/04/2022 08:33

Right, we’ve established that you don’t want to take DSS for reasons. That’s absolutely fine. He has parents who should be organising holidays for and with him. That is not your job. Your big mistake here was inviting the husbands. Nip that in the bud and your job is done. DSS would not expect to go on a holiday with you if his father wasn’t going and that wouldn’t be unfair. His dad can arrange to go away in the holidays either as a family or with just his son.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:34

Aprilx · 20/04/2022 08:19

I think that is the wrong perspective. I see more of an issue that two children with the same father, one gets to live with him all the time and trips to Disney and the other doesn’t. That he isn’t going makes it slightly better, but from a child’s point of view maybe not.

I can’t get over that you would prioritise your friend and her children over your husband and his child. If my husband did that to me, I would consider my marriage over.

Show quote history

Of course it's relevant and makes a massive difference that my husband wouldn't be going. My step son will still see his dad just like normal and both children get to do things alone with their mothers. Just like he goes on holiday with his Mum alone, my son will with me. He's not missing any time with his Dad and is in fact getting rare one on one time with him that my husband could use to do something lovely with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:36

he wants both his children to experience Disney and for you to go as a family

So why does it matter if we go another time?

Can I not do things sometimes separately from my husband and sometimes with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 08:42

And to be fair, in terms of 'prioritising over my husband and his child', he has known about this plan since before Christmas! He was absolutely fine with it and allowed me and my friend to look into it, plan it all, nearly book it and only now has decided actually he wants to come.

Why should I now prioritise him changing his mind months later over my friend who's looking forward to this and has planned it all?

It's a bit different if I'd told him and he immediately said something. He didn't.

OP posts:
gannett · 20/04/2022 08:43

Can I not do things sometimes separately from my husband and sometimes with him?

Focusing on your husband is a red herring. He's not the one who cares about being left out. If he didn't have an older kid to think about he'd have waved you off happily, I'd guess. You seem to be determined to ignore the issue of a 10-year-old child feeling excluded from his family, which is why your husband has objected - not on his own behalf.

And yes, this might mean you don't get to do everything you want in the exact way you want it. That's part and parcel of being a bloody parent. Except you obviously don't see yourself as having any responsibility to your stepson's feelings - he's someone else's problem, isn't he.

Thestoppedfan · 20/04/2022 08:50

Do you not want your children to experience Disney together?
You clearly want to go on this ‘girly’ trip to Disney with you friend and your child but I think you aren’t seeing (or maybe you are and don’t care) what effect it will have on your DSS. His dad can take him later that’s true but it’s the fact you’re going without him. You’re his step mum.
My step brother always got to go on big holidays, we didn’t care most of the time but Disney really hurt. It made us feel like we weren’t part of the family. If my DH did this I don’t think I could forgive him.

CorsicaDreaming · 20/04/2022 08:50

@Haaaaliday - I would just go with your best friend and DCs. I think you'll have a lot more fun that way - and not too many people in the mix to discuss plans with etc. And as you say the DHs don't really get Disney anyway. Or birthdays!

And then just go on another family holiday with your DH DC and DSS another time. I agree about going to Disney not during the school holidays if you can as otherwise it will be full of older children and it'll be better for your preschoolers to enjoy it less crowded.

They will remember bits and you can take photos – and you and your friend will remember it and that is also a really important part. Life doesn't have to always be completely focused around other people...

I would try not to mention it to the DSS at all so that he doesn't end up feeling left out and he's just not really aware of it. But that should be fairly easy as I imagine he lives with his own mum much of the time?

Hohoholymoley · 20/04/2022 09:09

You can't bring your kids on a Disney holiday and not him. That is fucked up. Make any excuses you want. If my partner treated my daughter any differently to our children I would leave him.

toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2022 09:13

@CorsicaDreaming I don’t think they are actually going to Disney, they are going on a Disney cruise

MissChanandlerBong80 · 20/04/2022 09:18

I think it would be awful if your husband were going too, but as he isn’t, I think it’s probably ok. I can understand not wanting to pay double to go in the holidays.

that said, your stepson isn’t just your stepson. He’s also your child’s sibling.