To ask what wedding guests actually find important?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

Might regret this knowing how anti-wedding MN can be but here goes! Am in early stages of wedding planning and want to focus our budget on things that will actually make our guests day more enjoyable, as we recognise there's a significant cost/effort involved in attending to celebrate with us.

As a wedding guest, what details/gestures etc are actually important to you, and what could you not give a crap about?

For example, MIL was horrified at my suggestion we ditch favours,-: I'm never that bothered about them, but she thinks people will find it rude.

Also, are you offended when receiving an evening only invite or is it fine? We want to keep numbers at the ceremony smaller as DP is quite shy.

We won't be able to stretch to a free bar all day/night, so that's a no no.

Thank you for participating in my research.

Champagne- the real stuff and lots of it! Canapés. Fun, entertainment, some thought put into where everyone is sat.

Just things that mean guests are important to the Happy Couple (given most people going already have a history with the bride and/or groom and therefore aren’t fooled by the schmalz) rather than being an interchangeable support cast to the day.

Give them plenty of free stuff they need. - drinks, food, seating, beds for the night.
Stuff that’s nice they weren’t expecting - favours, photos, games.
Happy memories - say hello, thank them, give them more stuff.

1. don’t have people included in some bits but not others that leaves them hanging around for HOURS with nowt to do! I’m looking at you bride/groom who invite some people to the church then not to anything in between til late afternoon or evening. Or who spent hours doing photos with no thought as to what their guests might be left to.
2. Enough food and drink! Doesn’t have to be fancy, I love a buffet. Doesn’t have to be free booze - happy to pay for drinks as long as there’s a bar. And enough food, if you have people there in a church and at a morning breakfast and then still in the evening make sure they have enough to eat all through the day.
3. Ditch the bows and the favours, no one cares.
4. Ditch any formal dress code, people will dress smart for a wedding, don’t force specific dresses/heels on the women.
5. ditch speeches other than best man and best woman. And make sure the omen do get to speak. Nothing worse than a wedding where the groom, best man, father of bride, Uncle Tom, Dick and Harrry all speak while Women don’t
6. I don’t give a darn whether or not you have a cake - up to you
7. I think banning kids at weddings is rubbish too- but your call.

Good music, good food and no waiting around. Not interested in favours and happy to buy drinks. Unless there was a specific reason as to why I was an evening guest eg. Family only for the day I wouldn't go to an evening only wedding. Iv only been an evening guest once and it was awful. We didn't no anyone except the bride and groom so we arrived and had no table to sit at and the whole experience felt awkward.

My preferences are:

Proper sit down meal, I'm not keen on buffets, hog roasts etc. I don't mind buffet food later in the evening but much prefer sandwiches etc to bacon baps, pizza or any other sort of greasy stodge. Good selection of soft drinks as well as alcohol.

Plenty of space to sit and chat, especially during the evening, not just a few chairs and tables pushed to the edge of a dance floor, a separate area to get away from music and dancing is much better. No enforced dancing. Also yes to seating friends together not splitting everyone up to mix with strangers.

I don't mind an evening only invitation, it's far better than not being invited at all.

I don't mind poems, gift lists, requests for cash, all fine as far as I'm concerned. In fact just send them with the invitation rather than making me have to ask for them.

Things I would like when attending a wedding

• I prefer the wedding ceremony to be at the same place as the reception, obviously if you are getting married in a church it’s nice if you then don’t have a half hour drive to the reception.

• Good food, not bothered about fancy food but when you are drinking (if you are!) it’s nice to have a full belly!

• No big gaps in the wedding - hanging about waiting is everyone’s pet hate at weddings

• Roll and bacon/roll and sausage for evening buffet

• A wedding cake that isn’t wedding cake e.g. sponge cake, cheesecake

• Good music that ranges the years so it appeals to all tastes and ages

• Plenty of space to dance

• Short speeches

I could go on and on, however I think ultimately you should plan the wedding YOU and your dp want rather than trying to please others. You can’t please everyone and it’s your day. Congratulations.

Top things important at weddings

1. Venue - classy, clean, good manners from staff, nice light and surroundings. Decent warm food and a good cake. (Venue ideally will include all decor, table plans, rooms for bridal party and discount for guests if they want to stay).

1. Consideration for the guest - a free drink and nibbles on arrival, and somewhere nice to sit while waiting for photos to be done. Poss some entertainment at this point (friends have had photo booth or violinist, something that shows you’ve thought of the people getting bored - depends on your guests though if they need it) Favours (they matter) Decent wine at the table, not vinegar wine.

1. Bride’s dress stunning.

1. An amazing band.

1. A good photographer so everyone marvels and looks great in the photos.

1. Personalisation - beyond the best wedding I have gone to was at a budget hotel, not the ritz. The reason being the amount of effort that the bride put into it all. She had a retro theme, on arrival we were greeted with a selection of cocktails, beers and nibbles and the colours of the cocktails matched the bridesmaids dresses! She had a box for us to put messages in for them and there was a traditional band playing music in the reception area. In the main room they had a sweetie table, there were buns with their faces on too. They had cracking speeches and then they did a quiz about themselves that was absolutely hilarious to see which table knew them best. They had a good DJ and great attitude! All the stuff she used was off Etsy and everything was coordinated.. it was their attitude and how happy they were it rubbed off on everyone there. They loved their wedding so we did too.

Things that do not matter

1. Those silly light curtains, hanging drapes
2. Flowers and decor for the church/registry office
3. Ridiculous wedding cars
4. OTT stationary (invites/table plan/thank yous)
5. Expensive Groom/groomsmen outfits, let’s face it they could show up in their pjs, nobody cares.
6. Sweetie carts and the like
7. OTT expensive flowers everywhere
8. Expensive bridal shoes (the dress covers them)
9. Excessive amounts of food on arrival and later on - your guests will be bloated and unable to dance.

10. Silly sparkly dance floors

I say this as someone who had points 1-10.
Also if you can get a hotel where they do most of the decor do this. I didn’t and it was a lot of work!

Evening invite not offensive so long as a friend of a friend, colleague (not close), random family member from the islands etc.

I miss planning my wedding now!!

There should only be one reception, not a two-tiered system. As a non-UKer, I will never understand the insulting class obsessive need for two receptions. You have the ceremony then the reception. Why the need for an extra evening one? It's one reception, that's how it's supposed to be! Most weddings here are about 3pm/4pm, then the reception after an hour or 2 maximum gap for photos. No two-tiered separate receptions. Favours aren't important and I didn't even know they existed anymore, I thought they went out decades ago.

Food, drink, entertainment between schedules. If you have kids at the wedding, give them things to do.

Good timing.
Don't have the wedding too close to lunch and the wedding breakfast 4 hours later. Your guests will be getting ready late morning and will often miss lunch so the last meal they had would be breakfast.
If you do have to have an early service then provide canapes and drinks while you're off getting your photos done, so people aren't standing around for hours, hungry and bored.
Seat people with their friends. I hate going to weddings where the bride and groom decide they are going to mix everyone up so they will get to know each other. I want to sit by people who I get on with and can have fun with not auntie Gladys who regales me with tales of her bunions, while I watch my friends laughing and joking at another table
Decent music in the evening and a buffet or sausage/bacon/baps/hog roast for evening guests.
Couldn't give a shit about favours.

@SleepingStandingUp

Based on MN: ONE one night hen local that has no theme. The only bit that matters is the vows and signing the piece of paper. Bridesmaids should be few and you shouldn't expect anything of them and pay for everything. Make sure people don't have to spend a single second where they aren't entertained or fed. Screw your photos. That's not your guests fault. No Goats Cheese or Mushrooms for the vegans. No vegan food for the vegetarians. Shouldn't last more than a few hours. Should be local to everyone. No one should in anyway be put out in any way Day long invites only otherwise you're just present grabbing No money poem

This sounds perfect to me. I’d go to this wedding.

Just to echo the point someone made earlier. My evening invites were for sibling’s friends, work colleagues, and hobby friends.

My mum had same view on my plan to ditch the favours, we went ahead ditching them and she didn't even notice and commented after that she agreed with my decision!

Most important as a guest - good food, some booze with meal/toasts, good music. Venue decor (flowers etc) is something I'd say is important - I never understand weddings where the venue can cost upwards of £5k but it's clear the floristry/decor budget was more like £500. Would make more sense going for a cheaper venue and dressing it up in my opinion.

Ways to cash save in my experience as a bride - wedding dress (I just couldn't and still can't justify/fathom thousands on a dress, would hands down direct the money into flowers), cake (we were £350 I think for a 3 tier rustic buttercream cake, and while it tasted amazing, we had a LOT of it away with us as people were stuffed from the evening food), favours & wedding cars (we did it because of family pressure but it was really a huge waste of money).

Totally agree in not having an open bar, no need. You're paying enough for your guests with food and the odd drink no need to bankroll their whole evening!

Best wedding I ever went to had a side room for the kids with kid food, a couple of child minders, a magician and a face painter. The kids could come and join the main event and dance if they wanted, but they could disappear off to the side room if the main bit was boring / too loud. Was awesome.

Having everything in the same place. I despise walking from venue to venue. We had our wedding at a hotel and quite a few people commented they liked that as they could just sit at the bar / outside and didn't have to walk around in heels / rain etc

As you can see OP, people on mumsnet only care about the food at weddings.

Nice venue, entertainment, thoughtful touches to decor, speeches, toasts, favours, photo booths, garden games, etc etc are all wasted on this lot…they only care about the FOOD!!
And preferable quantity over quality

@Wiredforsound
Erm thinking she’s taking the piss! Bit sad you’d go that wedding

@LuckySantangelo35

As you can see OP, people on mumsnet only care about the food at weddings.

Nice venue, entertainment, thoughtful touches to decor, speeches, toasts, favours, photo booths, garden games, etc etc are all wasted on this lot…they only care about the FOOD!!
And preferable quantity over quality

For me it's yes food, but I appreciate a nice venue and or hotel, speeches are nice, but in General how often do people do convoluted intriguing speeches, vs basic speeches with varying levels of jokes etc, Garden games would be nice, but unless your acustom to the activities, chances are most average weddings people will either be drinking, or chatting e.g. Football ect

Decent food at regular intervals. The worst wedding I've been to had a hog roast that ran out of hog! We got a roll...and not much else!

Warmth. Some sort of shelter from rain and wind. If it's a cold day and we're inside, shut the bloomin' doors!

Seats. I'm old. I don't want to have to fight other old folk for a chair.

I don't mind an evening invitation if I live nearby. If I'm driving 300 miles, it's a pain in the neck to be expected to drive there for the ceremony, amuse myself in a place I don't know, for several hours, while dressed in my most uncomfortable shoes, before going to the evening do.

Forget favours, frippery and keep the speeches short and funny.

There should only be one reception, not a two-tiered system. As a non-UKer, I will never understand the insulting class obsessive need for two receptions. You have the ceremony then the reception. Why the need for an extra evening one? It's one reception, that's how it's supposed to be!

Let me explain to you then.

1. there is no "should" about it. If you are hosting an event, you plan the event to suit you and the people who might be invited to some extent, and to suit the occasion
2. it has nothing to do with 'class
3. it is not insulting
4. Some people have a lot of friends. Or a big family, Or both. Not everybody is able to afford a sit down meal for all the people they would like to be able to invite. Also, most venues have a limit as to how many they can seat. It is, however, nice to be able to invite some additional friends along to join you in the evening, if they wish to. Obviously someone such as yourself would turn that invitation down, as you seem unable to understand that people come from different backgrounds and have different traditions and customs. But that's okay, it is only an invitation. Those of us who receive an invitation and think "How nice, B&G have invited us to the party on the evening of their wedding" will accept, and those who take offence at anything going, will decline, so it isn't really an issue.
5. there is no "supposed" about it (see points 1 and 4)

I hope that helps you understand better.

I went to a wedding where the wine ran out mid main and there was no way of buying more because bar wasn't open till later. I think the venue mucked up, but nonetheless my takeaway was don't scrimpt on booze. Agree with others, plenty food, don't leave people hanging around for ages. Keep speeches short. I think favours are a bit old fashioned and probably get tossed unless they're really good,

Forget favours, covers/bows for chairs, gimmicky themes and decorations, wedding cake. Cash bar but ideally not over inflated prices. Plenty of food and drink. Good disco with something for everyone.

The most boring bit for guests is when the couple have dozen of photos taken. The better weddings I've been to have provided canapés and fizz for guests while that is happening. And seats. I wouldn't expect amazing food at any mass event, but at least make sure there is enough - don't run out. Minimise queuing if there us a buffet by sending up two tables at a time - don't have a free for all. A paid bar in the evening is fine, but make sure you aren't stingy with the wine and fizz before that. Think about how guests will get there, are there plenty of places for them to stay if travelling further, with a variety of budgets, and is there transport, or parking spaces. If you've got two venues, how do they get from one to the other. Don't ask people to come 300 miles to an evening reception only. Preferably have the same crowd there all day. Is it a more rural place where they have to book taxis in advance? Don't have it somewhere so remote that no-one can get there - unless you only actually want a few people to turn up. Think about the needs of any more elderly or vulnerable guests. Also re accommodation - hardly anyone wants to camp before or after a wedding. Even glamping is pushing it. Plan for all weathers in the UK. Make sure there is somewhere dry if it's raining. Guests don't want to be scrambling about in mud with best clothes and shoes on. Don't have a dress code or specify a colour scheme (though this may be fine for the bridal party). Don't invite all your family and then say it's child free and expect everyone to come as someone is going to have to look after the children. If there are primary school age children, colouring and activity sheets or games might be an idea - nothing over the top. Don't let the DJ go off piste - I gave mine a huge list and he played everything we wanted and the dance floor was always occupied. Or get a really good band. Or have a ceilidh or barn dance if there is room.

Make sure you make a note of everyone's gifts and thank people individually, do this as soon as you get back from honeymoon, don't procrastinate.

Yes it is all about class.

Yes, it is insulting.

If you have a lot of friends and/or family, you either invite them to the reception, or you don't.

You don't have a two tier system. It is deeply insulting, offensive and utterly bizarre.

HTH :)

I asked our photographer to take some time with the guests and get nice photos of the couples/families etc and it was really well received.
A lot of people who attended have one of those photos up in their homes to this day and it’s been almost 7 years!

Obviously good food and a free-flowing bar are my preference but I couldn't get in my feelings about them even if they're subpar. I've been to all sorts of weddings - lavish ones, budget ones, ones where everything's gone without a hitch, ones where things have obviously fallen apart a bit - and I can work with anything. I understand what a huge task planning is and it's not about me, I'm there to celebrate people I love.

What I find most important are the other guests and how up for a party they are. The worst wedding flop I've been to wasn't anything to do with how the day had been planned, but because everyone was boring and buggered off at 11pm leaving the poor couple (the bride was visibly upset), me and DP and literally 3 other people valiantly trying to keep the dancefloor going for another hour.

Oh I also find the music super-important but I'm very specific about the music I do and don't like and I recognise this is just a me thing. I'm not into ceilidh stuff at all so at one of those I'd just spend the wedding sitting and chatting. A wedding that isn't 100% to my taste is, again, not something it's my place to get annoyed about.