To ask what wedding guests actually find important?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

Might regret this knowing how anti-wedding MN can be but here goes! Am in early stages of wedding planning and want to focus our budget on things that will actually make our guests day more enjoyable, as we recognise there's a significant cost/effort involved in attending to celebrate with us.

As a wedding guest, what details/gestures etc are actually important to you, and what could you not give a crap about?

For example, MIL was horrified at my suggestion we ditch favours,-: I'm never that bothered about them, but she thinks people will find it rude.

Also, are you offended when receiving an evening only invite or is it fine? We want to keep numbers at the ceremony smaller as DP is quite shy.

We won't be able to stretch to a free bar all day/night, so that's a no no.

Thank you for participating in my research.

Based on The Worst Wedding I ever attended.
If you insist on getting married in the middle of nowhere at least give the guests an idea of where they can stay and consider the transport issues/taxi availability. Or you could just get the groom's mother to sort out the ensuing fights over taxis.
Food . Plenty of at regular intervals.
Tea and coffee freely available.
I'm not bothered if I have to pay for drinks. Usually I'd expect wine with the meal and toast but to pay after that.
Short speeches.
Enough seats.
The only time I've ever cared about favours was when there was so little food that sugared almonds became wildly appealing.
I'm not bothered if it's an evening invite only but I only accept if it doesn't involve an overnight stay or an extortionate taxi fare.

1 -Good food and drinks.
2 -Good guest selection. Nobody wants to mill around making awkward small talk with 100 other random strangers. I mean, come on.... focus on actual friends and family, not your colleagues and random friends of friends and your mum's besties...
3 - Photos should be quick. Nobody likes waiting to be fed for over one hour.
4 - Snacks and water.
5 - No cringy colour coordinated bows on chairs, or favours.
6 - If you must have children, provide distractions or entertainment.

I had a minstrel group singing during the meal. It was blooming lovely. We were married in a hotel so they sang as I walked down the aisle too!

I wouldn't choose a ceilidh in the evening again, def best to stick with a disco!!

We also took a trip to France and bought our own wine and paid corkage - it was worth it, but that was before brexit days!

Most important is that you both, enjoy the day. Feed people, for sit down 0.5 bottles of wine per person plus water and toast. For evening guests first glass of juice or wine free then down to them to buy drinks.

Have fun xxx

Out of interest, what type of favour does your MIL think you should have?

Seat for everyone
No favours
Loads of food including a substantial reception
Personally a free bar of at least wine beer and soft drinks is a priority when I am entertaining
No evening do, they’re unheard of in our culture
An afternoon wedding starting about 3.30 with the ceremony, 5pm reception 6pm dinner 8pm Dancing 11pm home.

Food. If there's not enough, if it's dry, if it's cold, if some people have eaten and the rest are still ravenously waiting.

I'd say drink as well. Doesn't have to be free just available.

I don't care about favours at all. I've recently got an evening invite and am very happy with that. If it's someone I'm not super close to it means I don't feel I have to go or have to get an expensive gift.

@MadameFantabulosa

If you are going to spend forever having photos taken, please provide your guests with the following, in this order:

Somewhere to sit, and with seats. We don’t want to sit on the floor or on stairs.

Something to drink. Water or soft drinks or tea and coffee are fine.

Something to eat. Crisps, nuts, canapés.

This x 1000. And don’t keep us hanging about for hours. Three and a half hours between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception is completely unacceptable.

Something friends did at a wedding with a lot of children was to hire a children's entertainer for the speeches. It was fabulous for adults and children alike. No favors or frippery at that wedding either. I think the reception was fizz and canapés in a marquee followed by an evening buffet with dancing to which locals and the farm hands were invited.

Not RTFT, but go for an afternoon wedding - proper afternoon - 3pm at the absolute earliest- so (a) it’s clear everyone will have sorted themselves out for lunch. I hate trying to second guess if there’ll be lunch or if I need to stick a cereal bar in my handbag (though that’s always worth doing anyway, tbf). And (b) the wedding morphs into an evening do without hours of “and what do we do now” utter boredom.
Personally, I hate evening only invites, and find a reason to say no. I understand the cost stuff, but I find it rude, tbh. And I also understand the “oh, but Alice from accounts will be offended” pressure. She won’t. Or if she is, that really isn’t your problem - you don’t need to invite the world. If I was Alice from accounts, I’d be relieved, frankly.
No need for favours. Pretty sure they’re a relatively new thing. No need for fancy chair covers. No need for a free bar (though probably find a way to make that clear). Toast drinks can be cheap prosecco.
It’s about you and your family and (actual) friends. Having a great day. Not spending money on nonsense stuff that no-one else will remember.
Oh - and don’t try silly table plans, to “mix people up”. Just try and put people with people they already know and like (as far as possible). They’re there to see each other, as much as you. Most of us have different groups of friends who don’t actually know each other. Fine if they want to bridge that gap on the dance floor - less so over an awkward meal!
Have a wonderful wedding, whichever way you choose!

Food is definitely priority. I wouldn't be fussed about free bar- I've only ever gone to weddings with cash bars anyway. The dullest bit of a wedding is the lull after the ceremony when the bride and groom go off to have photos. I'm always happy when there are seats of some sort (even just hay bales or benches!) and ideally something to do other than talk - garden games etc.

At our wedding we actually did the formal photos before the ceremony (a 'first look' which is what my American sister in law did), to save time after the ceremony. Then after the ceremony we had tons of games - we hired crazy golf and had garden games like giant jenga, hoopla, boules, giant cards etc. Plus people could hang out in the marquee and sit down if they wanted. As far as I know it worked well.

Then evening reception we had a ceilidh and a photo booth to mix things up a bit. I know the day is about the marriage of the bride and groom, but our guests had made a big effort to be there and I really wanted it to be fun for them. I think it's great you're considering your guests :)

Most of what has been said. Plenty of decent food, places to sit, not long gaps.
Also, don’t separate groups who know each other at dinner. So many friends and family only catch up at weddings and sitting with strangers for hours is no fun.

I think just -- have a wedding you can afford to do properly. Most people would prefer a fun dance in a Scout hut and a load of pies over some ghastly performance where there isn't really enough food and you are worried if somebody has a second glass of wine because you've spent your house deposit on a portable photo booth and a hundred and thirty eight complicated party bags.

It's a party - what are really good parties like? Do they involve much queuing, lengthy intermissions, paying for drinks, or random stocking fillers? (No.)

Er, cross post. That wasn't a personal dig about the photo booth.

Food. Worst wedding I went to didn't warn me in advance that there was no proper meal and I was starving.

Heat. I also remember the wedding where I had to keep my coat on all night for all the wrong reasons.

I actively dislike favours. I find them wasteful and pointless.

I like e-vites and being able to rsvp online as I'm less likely to lose the invitation!

Enough seats.

No hanging around for hours for photos or receiving line. We actually gave people a list of the planned group photos so that we could get through them quickly and people knew when they could wander off to the reception.

Food, worst wedding I've ever been to, amazing venue £££, backdrop etc, everything perfect to look at, no food at all until 5.30pm, not even a crisp behind the bar. 12pm wedding so we ate breakfast at 8am, actually thought I was going to starve. Plenty free alcohol - I was pregnant unfortunately, everyone else was bladdered before the meal.

Drinks, doesnt have to be free (not great if its £8+ a drink though!), just not a dry wedding, been to one, bit of a dull day, the afternoon/early evening dragged, I was glad to leave and I love the people who's wedding it was.

Warmth, I went to a wedding all outside and it was bloody freezing, my lasting memory of the day.

Seating, no one wants to stand for hours.

Music/entertainment, really adds something, we've seen some great wedding bands over the years. Live music mingling and during the ceremony adds atmosphere.

Best weddings we've been to everything was in one place. Wedding, reception and a place to stay over on site. It means you don't stress about driving between venues or getting taxis and you have a base so cab nip back and freshen up during the long day.

I don't mind evening invites as long as it's local ish, we won't travel over 45min for an evening do.

Ooh, I also agree with the pp who said seat friends at the same table. I want to catch up with my friends, not be forced to make small talk with strangers.

I don't like child free weddings as its a faff to arrange childcare especially if the people you usually ask are going to the wedding. I hire an childs entertainer for speeches etc. ( but bare in mind that child you really want out of the way will refuse to go with the entertainer and his mum will ask if he can stay as he won't causes any harm. )
Also please remember it's your day your memory.
If you want something like lots of photos or 18 first dances. Just do it, just don't be a bridzilla. Also guests will do some things that make you cringe, I had a family turn up in bridesmaid dress and page boy outfits. I was like what!!?? My mum managed to grab me before I said anything I reminded me to rise above it.

Location. I don't care how pretty your venue is, if I can't get there easily, it doesn't make me feel inclined to try.

Travel to attendance ratio. I wouldn't mind an evening invite if it was down the road, but if I had to travel for hours, I wouldn't for anything less than an all-day invite.

The ability to leave when I want to. Partly linked to location. If I know I can leave at any time, I'm more likely to stay later. I just don't like the feeling of being trapped.

No waiting around. Or at least, no standing waiting around. If you must leave the guests milling around because you're sorting photos, can I at least sit down please? I only get grouchy if I have to stand in heels forever and ever.

Food and drink at sensible times. You're in control of the timings, please make sure I'm fed at appropriate intervals, or warn me to eat first. I get hangry. If it's a proper all-nighter, bring out snacks after midnight. I don't care if the food and drink is limited, but it would be nice if it didn't kill any of the guests, and if soft drinks other than water could be provided for those not drinking.

No beating around the bush. I'm happy to send you money, just don't be so blimmin' coy about it and stick BACS details on the invite. No cutesy poem either. Happy for a registry list too. Just, make it easy to find, please?

No shitty tables. You know who knows who - please stick people together who actually know and like each other! Invite groups of friends rather than one person from one random friendship group and another from your work. I'd rather be bumped off the list so someone else gets company they know, than to have to attend your wedding solo. Plus ones aren't necessary if you invite friends who know each other.

I don't care about your favours. It's your wedding, not mine, why do I want an oddly expensive tiny reminder? I will celebrate your big day with you, but it's between you and your new spouse to remember the anniversary.

Apart from the above grumblings... I'd ideally like to see that the wedding reflects both of you. I'd rather the food on offer isn't massively to my taste if it means you were bold enough to choose something you both like, rather than pandering to something to suit the masses. If I can see you made those personal touches rather than gave into pressure, it's quite satisfying as your mate. I mean... as much as I'm not a huge fan of weddings, if I've turned up, it's because I really do care about you, and I want to see you happy. Do things your way, not to suit distant relatives.

Worst wedding I went to the guests were shipped off the reception venue to stand in a small room for 3 bloody hours while the pictures were taken. No food, no drinks and nowhere to sit. It was a football ground in the middle of nowhere. I was wearing heels and a dress so wasn’t easy to sit on the floor. Think about your guests ages and mobility as well, in a hotel at least we could have gone to the bar and had a seat and a drink. I can do without favours really as they are usually tat. Don’t leave your guests just standing with no food or drink.

Good thread!
-Plenty of food
-Generous amount of wine/fizz for arrival drinks & table if not doing a free bar for evening
-Definitely don't bother favours
-Short speeches

best evening do I went to had some gambling style games with vouchers for some chips to play with plus a disco. It was really good fun especially if you didn't know loads of people.

Convenient location, good champagne and brevity.

It's much more thrilling to wave a bride/groom away at 6pm or earlier than to watch drunken antics at 10pm.

@littlepeas

No long gaps for things like photos. Good, filling food (nothing daft like melon for starter). No enforced fake formality (like receiving lines).

Yes to all of this.

The most important thing to me is sitting with people I know. I hate sitting with strangers I'll never see again and having to make small talk.

Weddings are about coming together with those you don't see enough and want to have a proper day catching up with.