To ask what wedding guests actually find important?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

Might regret this knowing how anti-wedding MN can be but here goes! Am in early stages of wedding planning and want to focus our budget on things that will actually make our guests day more enjoyable, as we recognise there's a significant cost/effort involved in attending to celebrate with us.

As a wedding guest, what details/gestures etc are actually important to you, and what could you not give a crap about?

For example, MIL was horrified at my suggestion we ditch favours,-: I'm never that bothered about them, but she thinks people will find it rude.

Also, are you offended when receiving an evening only invite or is it fine? We want to keep numbers at the ceremony smaller as DP is quite shy.

We won't be able to stretch to a free bar all day/night, so that's a no no.

Thank you for participating in my research.

Free bar

Free bar does not mean all night, it just means you put a certain amount of money behind the bar and after that runs out people pay for themselves.

Literally the one thing that makes a difference to overall enjoyment of a wedding is at least a few free drinks . A lot of people choose not to prioritise this.

Guests have often paid out a lot of money to attend in travel and accommodation before even sitting down so many just won’t be able to afford to drink otherwise.

Wow @Suprima! Evening guest doesn't mean second class unless you've got a chip on your shoulder! Weddings are to celebrate and wish the couple well. It's not about what you get out of them

OP evening invites are fine in my view unless it's immediate family or longtime close friend.

Favours seem really old school to me and not important. Likewise with colour schemes and matching bow things on the back of the chairs.

Good music, nice venue, good food a few drinks and friendly people all make a great wedding. It's your budget and your day. Enjoy!

Recent wedding I went to had sparkling and normal water red and white wine. They also had a a magician during the photos to keep people entertained.

I like a wedding favour but mine was a cancer research pin badge with a donation made to the charity.

If not eating until like 2/3 for wedding breakfast maybe canopies during photos.

Available tea and coffee. Had one wedding where you could get that in the evening from the bar for free, very much appreciated.

And an area in the evening where it's quieter. No point it bring so noisy that no one can chat.

Good and plentiful food and drink. Even if you don't have a free bar, you can have a decent amount of wine with dinner. Not having a long gap without food and drink is important too.

I couldn't care less if the wedding is in a posh hotel or a village hall. In fact weddings in halls are often the best as they feel more personal. Good food and drink needn't cost lots.

Also, it's basic, but getting dietary preferences right. As a veggie previously I had caterers serve fish and insist it's vegetarian.

If there are kids coming, something (or someone) to keep them entertained, informally, or simply a space they can play in.

At a wedding with a large garden, that was a bouncy castle and a tree house at the bottom of the garden, the DC were kept happy for hours!

At a wedding over the weekend in a mansion, that was a games room for the DC with pool table and toys, and teenagers from the family prepped (no idea if they were paid) to play with the DC. They weren't told they had to stay there! But they loved it, and it kept them entertained.

Nothing worse than a bride and groom who fuck off for an hour and a half to do photos while everyone mills around starving. So rude.

Evening guests are fine, as long as you stipulate no gifts from those only invited to that imo. They have a choice then of course.

Happy wedding day when it happens op.

@Badger1970

I'm always happy to pay for drinks, but it's nice to have something on the tables when you're eating.

Favours are naff. Guests don't want little packets of seeds or silly momentoes, they go in the bin. Save your money.

And please make sure that guests arriving for the evening aren't shoved into some grotty holding area that smells of the afternoon food and stand awkwardly until they're invited into the main venue. It makes guests feel like they just want to go back home!

yup this.

A few which have been issues for me over the years:

Child free is fine but don't dress it up and tell the parents it's so they can 'relax and have fun' because organising childcare and being away from them isn't always as relaxing as you think.

Don't specify dress - it's patronising and sounds like you don't want the guests ruining your photographs with their non-black tie attire.

Give the guests somewhere to sit and access to food and warmth whilst you spend hours having photographs taken.

Don't mix up friendship and family groups on your seating plan so that everyone gets to meet new people. It is not fun.

Oh and music - one of the worst receptions I went to was 5 years ago when the bride and groom had made a compilation of all the dance music they had loved over the years. It was a mix where one song fades into the next and was done in chronological order. It was so loud that you couldn't have a conversation over it. By 10pm we were only on 'Rhythm is a Dancer' and most of the guests had left.

There has to be dancing!

If you don’t know me that well, don’t invite me. I always know when I’ve been included to make the numbers up, or because Jean was invited so all Jean’s side of the family get obli-vitations too.

@shrodingersvaccine

Oh and finally, single female guests should be sat with friends. Not random drunk men. My presiding memory of several weddings is being leered at by random men I’d been sat next to and it was so upsetting that someone who’s meant to be my friend considered me entertainment for men rather than a member of a friendship group just because I’m single? Dumped on a table with the single grooms random mates I’ve never met, none of whom you’d touch with a barge pole if you’d gone both blind and deaf. Awful.

Oh yes agree with this. This is not an opportunity to try and play match maker.

We did following in the hope it would make things easier

• schedule given so those with little kids could plan their day
• happy for people to bring kids (tho none did)
• 3pm wedding then straight into wedding breakfast
• no wedding photos (well couple of group ones) so no hanging about for people
• choice of 4 different main courses so people could order what they wanted
• short speeches
• allocated bottle of wine per person
• cheap & cheerful hen & stag (pizzas and then out dancing & everyone could stay at mine so no hotels or spas)

People just want to have nice food & a drink & not be hanging about for ages waiting for you to have photos.

"Normal" food... not stuff like Olives, vol-u-vants etc.

Went to wedding recently and the evening buffet was fabulous - bacon rolls, pizza slices, chips.... lots of stodgy alcohol soaking up food

@ParisHarris general advice much appreciated - you'd not believe I've gone this before, but I was young and did things because I thought I "should" iyswim.

Two venues I went to which were just unwelcoming. The first was a local community centre with a bar and function room; Prosecco was served in the garden while photos were taken, but a couple of us got a bit bored and it was slightly chilly with no seats, so slipped off for a drink in the bar - told no, sorry, we aren't open even though some aged regulars were clearly sat inside with their Saturday afternoon pints. We were clearly unwanted.

The second, winter wedding at a beautiful country house, stunning venue. The wedding breakfast was in a modern building round the corner ... fine. So we had a drink in a lovely room in the main building and were then hustled off to the annex which wasn't ready yet so 150 guests were squashed into a waiting room that could comfortably hold 30. It was like the tube at rush hour.

When six of us decamped to the bar in the main hotel and paid £12 each for a gin and tonic, we were thrown out as "wedding guests are not welcome in this part of the building and some hotel guests have complained". We apologised for being too lively, agreed to finish our drinks and leave and the manager was back in our faces five minutes later. I've been chucked out of a city centre pub at closing time with more charm and friendliness.

So basically make sure that your venue are flexible and welcoming and see your guests as their guests, not as cattle to be herded.

Also post dancing food around 11pm.

Not fussed about favours.

Good food at appropriate times

Never been anywhere with free drinks so more than happy to pay

I prefer evening invites as I genuinely find weddings boring! Even I’d invite to the day I’ll often decline and just go the party

No silly little rhymes begging for money on the invite. And I like to see the ceremony, I'd rather be invited to the ceremony than the evening do actually, that's the important bit

And children, I like seeing kids at weddings, propper old fashioned family occasions

We decided to marry quite late - to avoid all the hanging around (always hate the gap in weddings between end of the wedding breakfast and the ‘evening do’.

Ours was a marquee on my parents lawn / farm - so pretty relaxed

Food - plenty of it. Huge Buffet and hog roast.
Drink - we had drinks and canapés / lots of wine and champagne. £2k behind the bar - went v quickly, but people expect to buy drinks at a wedding - so don’t push yourself on this.

Kids were welcome - we did bags for them. Drawing stuff / toys etc. we had lots of ride on toys too - purely as the grandparents had loads for all the grandkids at the house.

No favours - utter waste of money

I did splash out on a firework display. Total waste of money, but everyone loved it.

My advice - don’t over spend and don’t over worry. It is your day.
You need to keep walking away with your new husband and just keep taking it all in.

Not too early start
Reasonable priced alcohol
Nice food
Not too big a gap between day and night.
Relaxed setting

A good flow to the day - ie the breaks between things are short, no standing around for an hour waiting for photos etc.

Enough to eat and drink during the first reception bit (before the meal) - some nice canapés and plenty of drinks.
If you can’t afford a free bar that’s fair enough but I definitely think a few reception drinks per head - I cannot stand it when you get one measly Buck’s Fizz and that’s your lot.

Speeches before or during dinner. Otherwise it’s a long wait and if you’re at a table with people you don’t really know then it can be awkward - speeches loosen the mood and give everyone something to focus on.

I personally wouldn’t do evening only unless the day was literally a handful of people and the night was the big party but that’s just me. I’d either keep it really small or go large and invite everyone. If someone doesn’t warrant a day invite then why bother on the night?
I’m actually engaged and have put off planning the wedding because I’ve been to so many rubbish ones