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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what wedding guests actually find important?

741 replies

Scarfmisuseissues · 19/04/2022 17:54

Might regret this knowing how anti-wedding MN can be but here goes! Am in early stages of wedding planning and want to focus our budget on things that will actually make our guests day more enjoyable, as we recognise there's a significant cost/effort involved in attending to celebrate with us.

As a wedding guest, what details/gestures etc are actually important to you, and what could you not give a crap about?

For example, MIL was horrified at my suggestion we ditch favours,-: I'm never that bothered about them, but she thinks people will find it rude.

Also, are you offended when receiving an evening only invite or is it fine? We want to keep numbers at the ceremony smaller as DP is quite shy.

We won't be able to stretch to a free bar all day/night, so that's a no no.

Thank you for participating in my research.

OP posts:
BigYellowTaxiT · 19/04/2022 19:53

Pay for a bus and driver to take people there and home again, or at least near to their homes to save travel expense. My friend did this and it was brilliant. They had specific pick up and drop off points and most people were able to walk to and from their point.

Lots of seating in different places…..quiet, loud etc.

inappropriateraspberry · 19/04/2022 19:54

Food, somewhere to sit and not too much waiting! And no naff entertainment.

Cotswoldmama · 19/04/2022 19:54

As local as possible. I don't mind travel between wedding and reception as long as it isn't far or if it's provided even better. Weddings should be on a Saturday. Otherwise it's booking two days off work and if it's a week day and kids aren't invited childcare is such a faff. Buffets are way better than meals, I'm always starving at the meals even when they're 3 courses! Timings are also important whilst photos are being taken think about what your guests will be doing. It can be boring to stand around waiting, it can also be freezing! So plan for group photos straightway so people can return inside if it's cold or windy. I've had some great favours but I wouldn't notice if I didn't get one. I don't mind

Ragwort · 19/04/2022 19:55

Agree a buffet is much better than a formal seating plan, I am genuinely good at small talk and happy to meet strangers but the last wedding I went to I was sat next to a guest who barely said a word. It was hard work!

And I've said this a million times on Mumsnet but if you say 'no kids' which is fine, don't sit me with random 'family kids' when I've arranged a babysitter for my own!!!! Yes. This really happened to me and DH when we were looking forward to a 'child free' occasion. Angry

Mandyjack · 19/04/2022 19:55

@Rocketroe

Also no expensive hen party
Some of them are ridiculous, especially if you have to shell out for the bride too which seems to be the expectation with most now.
ColourfulOnesie · 19/04/2022 19:55

Just because it’s been mentioned so many times (I didn’t realise it was such a done thing) but please no hog roasts - I do not want to look at a pig carcass with its head still attached while I’m eating (let alone eat the poor thing) and I’m not even vegetarian so god knows how they feel!

Yellownightmare · 19/04/2022 19:55

@Magicshoppingtrolley

A good DJ or band or even a good Spotify playlist depending on budget - I love a dance!

No need for a free bar but I want to be fed.

No hanging around without something to do.

Ditch the favours!

All of these.

I don't care about fancy invitations, either, just create your own or buy ready made ones. Also, unless it's important to you, I couldn't give a monkeys about the cake, so wouldn't spend a lot on that.

Unlike some people, I love it when you ask for cash (helps if it's for something specific, like paying for the honeymoon). But if it's presents, make it online, so it's easy to buy.

Disco is fine, doesn't have to be a band but either way, choose a range of music to appeal to all tastes and get music that people actually want to dance to, nothing too obscure.

Simonjt · 19/04/2022 19:57

@ColourfulOnesie

Just because it’s been mentioned so many times (I didn’t realise it was such a done thing) but please no hog roasts - I do not want to look at a pig carcass with its head still attached while I’m eating (let alone eat the poor thing) and I’m not even vegetarian so god knows how they feel!
Yep, I would leave if faced with one, just as I would with a dog roast. A lot now are done in a metal ‘oven’ so nothing is visible, which is better.
AngelinaFibres · 19/04/2022 19:58

Invited to whole thing or nothing
Efficiency. Hours and hours and hours of photos most people aren't is is tedious.
Being warm
Nice food.
Favours are pointless
Short, funny/ heartfelt speeches. Definitely not crude.
Don't send out mood boards to your guests to tell them banned colours . Let people wear what they feel good in.

Welshmaenad · 19/04/2022 19:59

You are all amazing!

I don't really want a hen. Maybe a nice meal out. That'll do.

Children are definitely invited. We have maybe 2-3 small girls who aren't immediate family and Sw facto bridesmaids so I'm thinking about making sure they bridesmaids dresses are reasonably priced and just inviting all small girls to be bridesmaid and providing the dress. So they don't feel left out.

I'm not really bothered about gifts at all and would rather like my eyes out than have a money open, but can't t go no of a polite way to tell people not to worry about it. I really love hand made gifts but don't want to put pressure on people who aren't crafty. Maybe I'll just say nothing and tell people if they ask.

A big pile of doughnuts would be better than a wedding g cake, yes? Meh on cake. Love doughnuts.

BinBandit · 19/04/2022 20:00

Things that are important to me:
Decent band or DJ
Good filling food
plenty of choice at the bar (happy to pay)
Enough seating
Good happy atmosphere

Things that aren't important to me:
Free bar
Favours
only having an evening invite - that's perfectly fine to me

AngelinaFibres · 19/04/2022 20:00

@MrsMoastyToasty

Absolutely no karaoke!

It divides the guests into 3 groups.

  1. Those who would rather scoop out their eyeballs with a rusty spoon and get their coats and leave.
  2. Those who can actually sing (usually the smallest group ).
  3. Those who can't carry a note in a bucket but will monopolise the microphone.
Kills the party stone dead
Mellowyellow222 · 19/04/2022 20:03

The worst wedding I went to was the one where the bride and groom didn’t make us feel welcome.

There was one that was very, very cold. It was lovely, bride and groom very welcoming but couldn’t take my coat off!

I never remember wedding favours - don’t notice if they aren’t there.

Food doesn’t need to be fancy - but guests need to eat. An early church service then hours and hours until an eveni g meal is dreadful.

SpeedofaSloth · 19/04/2022 20:04

Somewhere to sit
Make sure the bar is open and serves soft drinks and snacks as well as alcohol
Make the food taste nice
Don't make me wait around between stages of events too long without anywhere to hover
I don't care what you wear
I don't even really mind where I am seated
I don't care about wedding favours or general tat and I definitely don't need a gift on departure
If there is a disco, give me a quiet room to escape to
Accept cash in a card for a present

I think that just about does it Grin

Els1e · 19/04/2022 20:04

Food, drink and accessible toilets. Everything else is a bonus. Enjoy your wedding. 🤣🥂It’s great you care about others.

Arghhconfused · 19/04/2022 20:07

Food, somewhere to sit, easy going, kids can run about and have fun, nothing too stuck up

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/04/2022 20:09

What is a favour in this context?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 19/04/2022 20:09

@46AProperStinging.
Of course, a bowl per table.

We had a superb DJ, we corroborated the playlist.

Allsorts1 · 19/04/2022 20:10

I found being invited as an evening only guest pretty offensive - the party bit of the wedding is never really the appealing part. The whole point is to see the ceremony. I really don’t understand the concept at all, just invite people to the whole thing or not at all.

SagaN4 · 19/04/2022 20:11

Good food, good music, good booze (on the tables), activities for kids (if applicable). We often get compliments on our food being the best people have had at weddings. Guests were able to choose out of three options for each course (starter, main and dessert) on the day and it was all cooked there and then. It was brilliant. Obviously quite a rare thing for a wedding but it was much appreciated!

FridayBluezzzz · 19/04/2022 20:12

@Mellowyellow222

The worst wedding I went to was the one where the bride and groom didn’t make us feel welcome.

There was one that was very, very cold. It was lovely, bride and groom very welcoming but couldn’t take my coat off!

I never remember wedding favours - don’t notice if they aren’t there.

Food doesn’t need to be fancy - but guests need to eat. An early church service then hours and hours until an eveni g meal is dreadful.

I’ve had 2 where haven’t felt welcome. One where it was an evening invite only. Bride had dumped our friendship group shortly before invites as she couldn’t afford the wedding she’d chosen. So we only got night invites, she spoke to us for 2 minutes and never saw the groom. Strange. Wedding was in a huge venue with a tiny amount of people, even at night, no one danced and no atmosphere. I think she was grumpy about how badly it was going. We’re not friends now (rest of us are).

One of DHs school friends I’d always gotten on with. She was extremely rude to me on the day and super nice to someone else’s girlfriend I know she hated. So strange and the wedding was super boring (and the marriage was a disaster). She tried to be super nice to me every other time I’ve seen her.

Joystir59 · 19/04/2022 20:14

Watching the couple get married. Something to eat and drink. Chance to have a good catch up with friends and family, meet new friends and family. That's it really. It is a great bonus if the wedding is somewhere easy to get to with plenty of cheap accommodation around.

LowlandLucky · 19/04/2022 20:15

Tea and Coffee served with the buffet and whilst the photo's are being taken, us old ones need a brew to get us through the day.

SnottyLottie · 19/04/2022 20:16

Not waiting around for ages in between ceremony/reception/meals
Plenty of food, preferably hors d'oeuvres with drink at reception
Unlimited soft drinks on table
Free alcohol would be best but if it’s feasible, choosing a venue where the drinks aren’t extortionate prices
Good music

CMOTDibbler · 19/04/2022 20:18

I hate standing around for hours during photos as much as the next grinch, but I went to two weddings last year where they did minimal group photos (though still lots of insta friendly B&G shots) and then 'natural' photos. Looking at the photos, it was very apparent that the photographers were drawn to the young and pretty/handsome guests so there were none past the posed shots of the elderly relatives. Something to think about.
Also, if you have infirm guests, please think about the distance to the toilet, seating during drinks (one wedding I had to send ds to beg a chair for terminally ill MIL from the staff, and we made cushions out of my car blankets) and timing of calling for people to be in places - if you want pictures out on the lawn maybe have some chairs placed out there so slower walkers can get there and rest.

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