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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think I've ruined my own engagement

148 replies

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 10:51

Feeling really sad just want to rant.

Me and dps relationship has been far from perfect but we have gone through many hardships/traumas in a short amount of time. We have been taking up counselling and have finally been feeling alot more confident, positve and that we are in the strongest place we have ever been. Things have been looking up.

So much so that we had decided to get engaged. Its coming up to our anniversary that we are going away for and since we have dc and live together it only felt right after so much bad that we finally had some good.

Except, Im pretty sure I've ruined it. Now I dont think there is any point going away at all and im so deflated and upset with it all. I just want to be happy and feel like I am my worst enemy when it comes to ruining my happiness. I brought up an issue me and dp was having and it all escalated unnecessarily and blew up in our faces I then said I dont think we should be getting engaged like this let alone going away. I instantly regretted saying it. We have been managing our issues so well and not being aruging. I dont know whats wrong with me. My dp once said I dont know how to just be happy and I thought maybe he was just being too lax about things. But maybe he has a point.

Lately i've been feeling that im just so miserable all the time and pessimistic. I've been feeling pretty disgusted with myself and unlovable. I dont know why i've been so snappy and moany about things.

I just feel so stressed out and now with this so upset. Life has been pretty unforgiving and I was looking forward to this one silver lining. I knew it was too good to be true for me. I dont deserve happiness. Ive never had it.

Dp still wants to go away. He claims I havent ruined it yet. But I cant get on board with it the same after looking at rings and getting excited over coming away engaged to each other.

I dont know what I wanted from this but thanks for reading anyways

OP posts:

Stath · 19/04/2022 10:53

Surely, as adults, if you have the conversation about getting married and you both agree then you’re already engaged?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2022 10:55

Is someone meant to be proposing while you’re away or have you got engaged and were going away to celebrate but now you’ve called the engagement off?

Sorry you’ve had a shit time and are feeling so low.

Would you consider solo counselling to give you a space to work this through? It might make the joint counselling more productive.

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 10:55

@Stath we both decided to wait until we went away as dp wanted to make something of it. I didnt mind either way but respected what he wanted

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 19/04/2022 10:56

Have you been to see a GP about the possibility of depression and needing medication?

RJnomore1 · 19/04/2022 10:58

Not arguing doesn’t mean a healthy relationship it means you’re hiding the issues. And they will out at some point. It’s about how you handle the disagreement.

Does he expect you to be happy and not make a fuss if you aren’t? I’m picking up some tones from your post that make me uncomfortable but I may have just been on mn too many years.

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 10:58

@AnneLovesGilbert i'd love to and we have discussed how effective individual counsellung would be for both of us but with our couples sessions, going away, bills ect we just cant afford it right now.

I dont think dp was going to "propose" as such. I told him I didnt want him getting down on one knee. But we agreed to get engaged out there and go out for a nice meal to celebrate. We was then going to tell our families when we got back

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 11:00

I know it sounds confusing but I didnt want a proposal at all and dp did so it was the compromise to suit both.

@RJnomore1 sorry what tones are you picking up?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2022 11:02

I’m in the boring camp of you’re either engaged or you’re not. So I think by agreeing to marry you are/were.

You sound like you’re really struggling so I’d ditch the couples counselling and use the money for your own sessions. Once you’re in a better healthier place you might find things get easier. I don’t mean by that that you’re the problem! But you sound like you need proper impartial support and I understand it can be costly so I’d choose to focus on your own mental health first.

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 11:02

@fairylightsandwaxmelts i did wonder if all the things I have been through has finally got the better of me and now im depressed. I feel unlovable because im constantly not happy at the moment and I cant quite place my finger on why. Mayne depression is a factor. I have been depressed before but that clear to me as I wasnt leaving my bed/eating ect. Now I have dc and i cant do that so maybe its manifested differently this time?

OP posts:

AChocolateOrangeaday · 19/04/2022 11:03

Having counselling before you get engaged/married would be a huge red flag to me.

It shouldn't be this much hard work.

RJnomore1 · 19/04/2022 11:03

There’s a slight undercurrent of you feeling you shouldn’t be upset or not feel happy as it’s you ruining things. Echoed in him saying you’ve not ruined the trip yet - ie there’s time to paint your smile on and agree and make it ok.

It’s hard to tell from written words sometimes what the dynamics are. But as I said, after 23 years of marriage if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that not arguing is as toxic as excessive or agressive arguing.

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 11:06

@AnneLovesGilbert haha im right there with you in that boring camp! Literally just a yes we are engaged conversation would of sufficed for me. But dp wanted to make it special so we met mid way.

You may have a point. We have a counselling session this week so we are going to talk about what happened.

Im just feeling so deflated I dont know what the point to this all is. We have been working so hard but it always feels like one step forward ten steps back. In an ideal world we would of already been engaged by now but our relationship hasnt been ready because of all the issues and now this.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2022 11:08

I’m all for making things special but it sounds like it wasn’t midway if you’re finding it overwhelming. Is that why you think you tried to torpedo it?

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 11:08

@AChocolateOrangeaday each to their own. We've decided to have counselling as we see and hope for a future together and instead of giving it we are showing each other we are dedicated to put in the work to get there. We both want to be married and continue being a family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 11:09

*giving it up

OP posts:

Poptart4 · 19/04/2022 11:09

OP are you sure you really want to be either your DP?

You say you feel really unhappy but can't put your finger on why. Maybe your depressed? Or maybe deep down you know he's not the one for you?

I agree with others that you should cancel the couples counselling and have some individual counselling.

Poptart4 · 19/04/2022 11:10

*with not either

ikeepseeingit · 19/04/2022 11:12

I think you should still go away OP unless the issue you argued over is a recurring important one, or one that you can’t live with. Is it the build up to the engagement that’s bothering you, or the marriage that is? Definitely talk about this in your counselling session. You need to get to the root of why you can’t disagree amicably. I disagree with my partner a million times a day, but I don’t press the self destruct button because I know I’ll feel differently when my emotions have calmed down x

girlmom21 · 19/04/2022 11:14

What was the argument about? Why did it escalate so much?

ImAvingOops · 19/04/2022 11:16

I think that if a couple are already in counselling before they get married then they shouldn't be thinking of marriage until everything is ironed out.
Something about your post makes me uncomfortable, like he's blaming you for being unhappy and 'ruining' what was essentially a fake proposal since in agreeing to get married you were already engaged! I can't quite put my finger on it, is he expecting you to perform a certain way regardless of how you actually feel?

Original poster

Lemonaid21 · 19/04/2022 11:17

@AnneLovesGilbert I dont think so. I do still think I would of prefered an intimate conversation and it was left at that. I think the jeprodising it part was seperate but maybe the build up and waiting to get engaged put pressure on me

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 19/04/2022 11:20

[quote Lemonaid21]@fairylightsandwaxmelts i did wonder if all the things I have been through has finally got the better of me and now im depressed. I feel unlovable because im constantly not happy at the moment and I cant quite place my finger on why. Mayne depression is a factor. I have been depressed before but that clear to me as I wasnt leaving my bed/eating ect. Now I have dc and i cant do that so maybe its manifested differently this time?[/quote]
I would really recommend going to see your GP.

I've had depression since my teens and each "episode" since then has manifested itself differently. I've had days where I can't get out of bed, where I haven't washed or spoken to people for days/weeks on end - but I've also had episodes where my depression has manifested itself in irritable behaviour, a bit of bitchiness and just generally getting tearful an argumentative over silly things.

If you've got a history of depression it may be the case that all the stuff you've gone through has been too overwhelming - and while you've deal with it in a practical sense, you now need to look after yourself emotionally - that could be counselling but it could also be that you need some time off work (if you work) and/or some medication to help things along a bit :)

OnceUponAThread · 19/04/2022 11:20

@AChocolateOrangeaday

Having counselling before you get engaged/married would be a huge red flag to me.

It shouldn't be this much hard work.

This is such an odd take. So many couples get caught up in the early romantic stage, getting married and then the whole thing comes off the rails later catastrophically.

Showing that you have the maturity and commitment to go to counselling and work on communication etc to me means that you're more ready for marriage than most people. It means that you're laying the groundwork for later when things get tough (e.g. after kids) and that you know both parties are opening to seeking solutions and getting help.

10HailMarys · 19/04/2022 11:21

Do you think that, in fact, you subconsciously don't want to marry him?

AChocolateOrangeaday · 19/04/2022 11:23

@Lemonaid21 As much as you "want" something, it doesn't mean it is the right thing to happen.

Something is seriously wrong in your relationship and I don't think you are in any place to get engaged or indeed married if you need counselling to even get to that point.

As you say, each to their own though, it's your life but you did ask for opinions.

I'd love to see a post 10 years down the line saying that you were happily married to your now partner but with what you have described I won't be betting my house on it.

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