Think I've ruined my own engagement

[Lemonaid21]

Feeling really sad just want to rant.

Me and dps relationship has been far from perfect but we have gone through many hardships/traumas in a short amount of time. We have been taking up counselling and have finally been feeling alot more confident, positve and that we are in the strongest place we have ever been. Things have been looking up.

So much so that we had decided to get engaged. Its coming up to our anniversary that we are going away for and since we have dc and live together it only felt right after so much bad that we finally had some good.

Except, Im pretty sure I've ruined it. Now I dont think there is any point going away at all and im so deflated and upset with it all. I just want to be happy and feel like I am my worst enemy when it comes to ruining my happiness. I brought up an issue me and dp was having and it all escalated unnecessarily and blew up in our faces I then said I dont think we should be getting engaged like this let alone going away. I instantly regretted saying it. We have been managing our issues so well and not being aruging. I dont know whats wrong with me. My dp once said I dont know how to just be happy and I thought maybe he was just being too lax about things. But maybe he has a point.

Lately i've been feeling that im just so miserable all the time and pessimistic. I've been feeling pretty disgusted with myself and unlovable. I dont know why i've been so snappy and moany about things.

I just feel so stressed out and now with this so upset. Life has been pretty unforgiving and I was looking forward to this one silver lining. I knew it was too good to be true for me. I dont deserve happiness. Ive never had it.

Dp still wants to go away. He claims I havent ruined it yet. But I cant get on board with it the same after looking at rings and getting excited over coming away engaged to each other.

I dont know what I wanted from this but thanks for reading anyways

@girlmom21 i wish I could say but it would be outing. It was a personal to us both.

@ikeepseeingit thats the thing it has been a painfully drawn out reoccuring problem that we agree is a big issue

@Poptart4 i want him to be the one. But I would be lying if I said I dont have my doubts on whether we can make it work. But I think the fact that we both want to be together and want it to work is good. Its hard to have a positive outlook when things have been tough.

@ImAvingOops i must of not convyed it right but dp hasnt blamed me for anything. This whole post is me self inflicting and blaming myself. I think i've tainted it. I asked dp if we should go away still as i felt its being ruined and he said of course, it hasnt being ruined.

I think you need to see your GP @Lemonaid21.It sounds to me as if you’re depressed. And I agree with the pp who suggested you swap couple counselling for individual counselling for you.

I've known two couples that were together for a long time, got married, then separated shortly afterwards

To me as an outsider, it felt as though the marriage was a demonstration of commitment against the odds, as if they were determined to make a go of it, but ultimately, they still weren't happy

Don't get me wrong, I took my marriage vows seriously and would not walk away from a marriage lightly, but I agree with a PP that I wouldn't usually expect an engagement to cause so much upset and bother. it should be a happy time

You sound really confused.

You already have children with this man, so you're already a family. Why are you so fixated on 'getting engaged'? You haven't even mentioned getting married. You can skip the whole engagement part, you know.

But in the next sentence you say you don't want him to 'make a big deal' out of it. Talk about mixed messages. What is the poor guy supposed to do?

I knew it was too good to be true for me. I dont deserve happiness. Ive never had it.

I really think you need to speak to your GP. You can get counselling for free on the NHS (if you're in the UK) and/or talk to charities such as MIND. It really does sound as if you need some help with your self esteem for a start.

I'm getting the feeling that you're not invested in all this engagement/ going away stuff because deep down you don't think this is the right relationship (forgive me if I'm off beam)

Perhaps this is the time to have a real think about your doubts and how you see the future. You shouldn't blame yourself for having them, BTW, better now than down the line.

A holiday and a wedding isn't going to fix this if it's not really what you want

OP, how long have you been together. Honestly, the first few years are really as good as it gets. Couple counselling might help. Its good you are both committed and invested but you can't polish a turd. I don't think this is a forever relationship.

You can’t afford much needed individual counselling sessions, but you can afford to go on holiday and buy engagement rings?
Really, look at your priorities here.

@Cocomarine we were going to buy a cheap ring. Twenty pound max. We dont care for the engagement rings compared to the wedding rings which will be worn forever. This holiday had been booked a long time ago and is cheap and within the country. We are going for 2 days. No need to be so judgemental about our financial situation when you dont really know the first thing about it

For many people, engagement is a means to an end, a happy marriage. It sounds like your mindset might in part be calling into question whether the marriage might work and in part be confusing the means (the engagement) and the ends (the marriage). Hope you get some clarity about what you want and possibly some support if you think your mindset might need some help. Good luck.

@10HailMarys @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I havent spoken about the marraige part as we most likely would be in no rush to get married. The general consensus was that we wanted to get engaged to show commitment to each other. Children is a responsibility but not towards on and another. We wanted to do this for and us. Our relationship has not allowed alot of that. This was the good we was looking forward to. Our families have seen alot of the ugly side of things and we was excited to come back engaged, to be as confident as we ever are about each other. To say jey we have been working on this behind the scenes and we are serious. This is for life.

OP, I was once in a long relationship (8 years) with someone who deep down believed he was unloveable. This was understandable, he had been left behind at a young age while his parents emigrated to seek work, and had not always been influenced treated.

He constantly tested me. In effect ‘You don’t love me’. “Look, I have done a really bad thing, see, you won’t love me now!” “Now I have done a really awful thing, bet you don’t love me enough for us to survive this “. And so on. Eventually it destroyed his life, not mine, and I wish , wish, wish that he had sought counselling and therapy to address his belief that no one would love him unconditionally, and that he didn’t deserve love.

I’m not sure you can be in a successful relationship while you hold that feeling because your partner is set up to fail, however much they love you and however hard you try.

Listen to your partner when he says you don’t know how to be happy. Tell him you are taking that on board. Stop couples counselling and ask him to stand alongside you while you seek help for your feelings of not deserving love.

That would be my advice.

@girlmom21 to clarify we never even consodered or thought of an engagement as a solution to our problems. We are well aware how unhealthy and wrong that is. The counselling is the thing that gives us that. The engagement is to finally shed some light onto our relationship and allow for a new chapter now that we have been progressing.

We have been progressing.

It was the way we handled this issue that makes me feel like its all gone down the drain

I too read your post OP and thought, Depression? PMS? perimenopause? As it sounds a bit like how I was when I had nightmare PMS.

Basic stuff, are you looking after yourself properly? Eating your veg, getting enough sleep and exercise? Getting to see friends?

You need to sort your head out a bit I think, and then see how things look. And don't put down any non-refundable deposits until you feel calm and confident in your relationship.
It'll take a while, but think of it like this, you wouldn't rush to buy a house before seeing all the survey results and having people round to quote for anything that needs fixing...

Having children together is a much bigger commitment than getting engaged. I think you have your priorities all wrong. People are giving you lots of practical advice but you're ignoring it all.

Your partner cannot give you what you want if you don't know what that is.

@AChocolateOrangeaday

Having counselling before you get engaged/married would be a huge red flag to me.

It shouldn't be this much hard work.

I don't think counselling in a relationship is a red flag, necessarily - DH and I had counselling years ago, before we were married, not because there was anything 'wrong' with our relationship as such, but because we both had traumatic childhoods and it meant we were struggling to communicate effectively.

This was an issue we'd both had in all previous serious relationships too, so it wasn't about our compatibility together, but our own experiences colouring the way we functioned in romantic relationships - we both agreed our relationship was important enough that we wanted to iron that out rather than hoping it would go away.

Three months of counselling together was the best thing we've ever done - some people don't have good models for relationships and when a relationship gets serious that becomes a bigger problem.

We wanted to give ourselves skills that meant our relationship lasted.

You only have to look at MN threads about people sulking upstairs angry at husbands, husbands storming out or shouting in an argument, couples getting 5 years into a relationship before realising they're fundamentally incompatible because one of them wants to live in their hometown forever and the other has been imagining they're going to emigrate immediately, people being passive aggressive to each other and "shall I refuse to do anything round the house til DH notices" or "DH didn't know I place a lot of importance on Valentine's Day and now I'm furious at him and he has no idea why, shall I give him the silent treatment for 3 days"... people are BAD at communicating effectively.

More people should be learning to communicate properly - the idea that counselling means your relationship is doomed is stupid. It puts people off going and gaining real, useful skills on how to make their relationship better.

(I'll get off my soapbox now)

Have you been together long OP?

@CarmenThePanda

OP, I was once in a long relationship (8 years) with someone who deep down believed he was unloveable. This was understandable, he had been left behind at a young age while his parents emigrated to seek work, and had not always been influenced treated.

He constantly tested me. In effect ‘You don’t love me’. “Look, I have done a really bad thing, see, you won’t love me now!” “Now I have done a really awful thing, bet you don’t love me enough for us to survive this “. And so on. Eventually it destroyed his life, not mine, and I wish , wish, wish that he had sought counselling and therapy to address his belief that no one would love him unconditionally, and that he didn’t deserve love.

I’m not sure you can be in a successful relationship while you hold that feeling because your partner is set up to fail, however much they love you and however hard you try.

Listen to your partner when he says you don’t know how to be happy. Tell him you are taking that on board. Stop couples counselling and ask him to stand alongside you while you seek help for your feelings of not deserving love.

That would be my advice.

Excellent, excellent advice. Please read this OP.

Hi Lemonaid21.
Oh I really feel for you. You sound upset.One thing that stands out to me, is that love shouldn't be this hard.
I hear people say things like" You have to make an effort every day " Why" , I always think. Surely theres something wrong.
I really hope you find peace and happiness.

I don't think you should arrange a wedding anytime soon tbh. Maybe rethink the engagement or have a long one.

@CarmenThePanda thank you for that ensight.

This issue hasnt been something ive struggled with before though. Its literally only been the past couple of weeks I feel like this, and its always when I bicker or snap at dp. I think why are we being so passive aggressive? Why have I been constantly starting a fight? Its such an unlovable trait and makes me feel like im trying to cause an issue over nothing. As i said i feel so sad and stressed this past month and I dont know why.

But in some respect im not and have plenty of reason to feel this way. Life has been shitty. Ive lost and had my family life turn upside down. I had a traumatic birth and horrible stressful pregnancy. Im only early twenties and I feel like im drowning it. Mean while i've been dealing with the ups and downs of our relationship. I survived a horrifc accident recently.

Meanwhile I have been expected by everyone to just trudge along, keep being a good mum, keep being a young happy woman. Keep being a joyful partner. Im surprised I havent had another breakdown by now.

@whenwilliwillibefamous since i've given birth my pms has been HORRIBLE. I used to get emotional and irritable before but now post baby its like im pregnant every month. I snap and cry and get so so down. Its draining to experience. Maybe this is a factor of that since I am due on but the reasons I have mentioned before are still very much so valid. They could be worsened to me though by my pms.

@housemaus you have articulated that so well! What you have written is our situation word for word. Communication is the big killer for us and I have come from a broken home. We are starting to realise how much our childhood has effected us in our adulthood and relationship. Just having the awareness and understanding helps us that bit more to try and overcome it. By no means are we there yet but we are trying and its still early days. Counselling can be great for that

Tbh, if I ever get engaged again, I won't be describing my relationship the way you describe yours.

And, if I am, well the I won't be getting engaged.

*I don't think counselling in a relationship is a red flag, necessarily - DH and I had counselling years ago, before we were married, not because there was anything 'wrong' with our relationship as such, but because we both had traumatic childhoods and it meant we were struggling to communicate effectively.

This was an issue we'd both had in all previous serious relationships too, so it wasn't about our compatibility together, but our own experiences colouring the way we functioned in romantic relationships - we both agreed our relationship was important enough that we wanted to iron that out rather than hoping it would go away.

Three months of counselling together was the best thing we've ever done - some people don't have good models for relationships and when a relationship gets serious that becomes a bigger problem.

We wanted to give ourselves skills that meant our relationship lasted.

You only have to look at MN threads about people sulking upstairs angry at husbands, husbands storming out or shouting in an argument, couples getting 5 years into a relationship before realising they're fundamentally incompatible because one of them wants to live in their hometown forever and the other has been imagining they're going to emigrate immediately, people being passive aggressive to each other and "shall I refuse to do anything round the house til DH notices" or "DH didn't know I place a lot of importance on Valentine's Day and now I'm furious at him and he has no idea why, shall I give him the silent treatment for 3 days"... people are BAD at communicating effectively.

More people should be learning to communicate properly - the idea that counselling means your relationship is doomed is stupid. It puts people off going and gaining real, useful skills on how to make their relationship better.*

This is an excellent post. But I also agree that you need some personal therapy to get to the root of what is causing you this distress. I wouldn't go to your GP because it sounds more deep rooted than six weeks of CBT would resolve. Individual counselling should be cheaper than couples counselling and should benefit both you personally and your relationship.