Think I've ruined my own engagement

[Lemonaid21]

Feeling really sad just want to rant.

Me and dps relationship has been far from perfect but we have gone through many hardships/traumas in a short amount of time. We have been taking up counselling and have finally been feeling alot more confident, positve and that we are in the strongest place we have ever been. Things have been looking up.

So much so that we had decided to get engaged. Its coming up to our anniversary that we are going away for and since we have dc and live together it only felt right after so much bad that we finally had some good.

Except, Im pretty sure I've ruined it. Now I dont think there is any point going away at all and im so deflated and upset with it all. I just want to be happy and feel like I am my worst enemy when it comes to ruining my happiness. I brought up an issue me and dp was having and it all escalated unnecessarily and blew up in our faces I then said I dont think we should be getting engaged like this let alone going away. I instantly regretted saying it. We have been managing our issues so well and not being aruging. I dont know whats wrong with me. My dp once said I dont know how to just be happy and I thought maybe he was just being too lax about things. But maybe he has a point.

Lately i've been feeling that im just so miserable all the time and pessimistic. I've been feeling pretty disgusted with myself and unlovable. I dont know why i've been so snappy and moany about things.

I just feel so stressed out and now with this so upset. Life has been pretty unforgiving and I was looking forward to this one silver lining. I knew it was too good to be true for me. I dont deserve happiness. Ive never had it.

Dp still wants to go away. He claims I havent ruined it yet. But I cant get on board with it the same after looking at rings and getting excited over coming away engaged to each other.

I dont know what I wanted from this but thanks for reading anyways

@Blossomtoes if he felt like that that badly I have never once held him back. He can leave. I could of left. Heck there were times we nearly did break up. But we choose to stay and we are choosing to work on it.

Honestly - the more you post, the more incompatible you both sound.

If you're arguing about the the basics of a relationship, how are you supposed to cope with the more serious things? Ultimately if the foundation isn't solid, the building will fall.

You say you're arguing about the same things over and over again - if you haven't solved those issues in the past however many years, are you really going to solve them now?

Either you need to decide that they're not important issues and agree to disagree, or they're too fundamental to compromise on, in which case the only solution is to break up.

OP I learnt to recognize that 0-120mph in 10 seconds feeling and stop doing or saying anything - hand over everything to my OH and get him to feed me toast and a small drink.
That requires the other half to play ball of course, but a reasonable person would!

[quote Watchkeys]@Blossomtoes

You're saying the same thing as the post you quoted, but you're assuming that the partner being the source of the misery means he's doing something objectively wrong.

Two good, kind, decent, loving people can be the source of each other's misery. Incompatibility, as you say.[/quote]
You’re right. I probably misinterpreted it.

When we both spoke about being engaged we recognised we werent nearing perfect and we was still a work in progress but we felt like we wanted this for us.

Not to fix us
Not to compensate for counselling

We decided this because prior to our arguement the other day we have been the best we have ever been and that gave us what we didnt have for a long time, hope! We have been feeling hopefully for our future and wanted to start down that road ,although at snails pace as we are treading carefully since we are aware we are still along way away from where we want to be. We agreed marriage wouldnt happen until we felt we was ready but the engagement was a promise and declartion that we want and are working to get there.

I dont and still dont think there is anything wrong with that. To all of you that are saying relationships shouldnt be this hard I agree to a certain point. But we have been through so much in such a short amount of time very quickly into our relationship that I think our experiences have aged and changed us. Therefore it feels abit unfair to keep comparing our relationship to this. Maybe had we not been through daunting crazy things so young so soon the strain we feel would be ten times less. But we have and I cant re-write the past. Im just trying to write out a good present in the hooes for a better future.

[quote Lemonaid21]@Blossomtoes if he felt like that that badly I have never once held him back. He can leave. I could of left. Heck there were times we nearly did break up. But we choose to stay and we are choosing to work on it.[/quote]
Your assumption here is that if he was unhappy, he'd leave. But you're unhappy, and you don't leave. He's not holding you back either. You are both choosing to stay in a relationship that doesn't work. You don't get a reward for that, it's not a badge of honour, it's not something to be proud of.

You are simply ignoring your feelings, and all you get for that, when they are bad feelings, is to keep feeling bad.

Relationships and engagements aren't meant to be this hard.

You say you WANT him to be the one. But maybe he’s just…not. Relationships should fulfil you and make you happy. Being really honest would either of you still be there if there were no children involved?

So things were better than they'd been for a long time, though still a very long way from where you want to be. In response, you get engaged to show you're committed to keep making small improvements. You then immediately had a big fight over something fundamental and you once again feel unsupported and miserable. What does that tell you?

although at snails pace as we are treading carefully since we are aware we are still along way away from where we want to be

Yes, OP, there is something wrong with this, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. You are taking it slowly in the hope that you can 'find' happy. You are manipulating today in the hope that it will make tomorrow good because you are fundamentally, at your core, not naturally making each other happy. People who naturally make each other happy don't have to change the pace. They don't have to be wary and careful, in case they slip up. They don't have to try to make the relationship work.

What was your parents' relationship like when you were growing up? It feels like you haven't been shown what happy actually looks like, maybe?

@Watchkeys actually one of the things we have realised is just becuase i am unhappy doesnt mean dp is. Infact most of the time he pulls the wool over his eyes even if i literally say to him "im unhappy" he believes everything is fine. Maybe its denial but knowing dp its most likely from the fact that he doesnt see our issues as issues or even bother to consider them. So he goes along happy blissful unaware that i'm not. It usually takes me having to blow up for the message to get across to him as just telling him never seems to register.

@Regularsizedrudy I have asked that to myself and dp many a times. Everything he claims its an unfair thing to ask and he cant answer me based of hypotheticals

@Watchkeys we arent going at snails pace in the fear that we may slip and fall but to give us time to continue to build. I know i said i feel like my outlook is on the pessimistic side at the moment but it isnt that bad!

As I mentioned before my household wasnt good and my parents arent together.

[quote Lemonaid21]@Watchkeys actually one of the things we have realised is just becuase i am unhappy doesnt mean dp is. Infact most of the time he pulls the wool over his eyes even if i literally say to him "im unhappy" he believes everything is fine. Maybe its denial but knowing dp its most likely from the fact that he doesnt see our issues as issues or even bother to consider them. So he goes along happy blissful unaware that i'm not. It usually takes me having to blow up for the message to get across to him as just telling him never seems to register.[/quote]
This whole picture is really unhealthy, Lemonaid. You seem to be presenting unhealthy solutions and thinking it demonstrates that your relationship is actually good.

He's feeling or acting like there's nothing wrong whilst you get to the point of it being so wrong that you blow up. You must be able to see that that's in no way dealing with things as a team?

@Watchkeys yes and we are addressing this in counselling.

Im not justifying me blowing up but I only get to that point because he doesnt listen and then I become a broken record until I cant emotionally take it anymore and become overwhelemd. If i am heard in the first place no resentment or frustration would come about on my behalf

However I know its a double edge sword amd counter productive. As I said its not who I want to be and it drains me, upsets us both, and still never outcomes in anything good. But by the time im exploding im at a point where im at a loss of what to do and dont know how else to approach the situation. My dp doesnt not respond to calm, civilised talks. He may act like he does but he never acts on it. The only time I feel like he gets how Im feeling is when I physically have to show him with an out urst. But of course that comes with its own catal damage and by no means do I ever preplan them or mean to. Its always in the heated moment. His anger can be no better. But thats another story

Then you need to find someone who naturally listens to you. It's very very basic. If he needs counselling to understand this basic point ('you need to listen to your partner when she tells you how she feels, or else she will become frustrated') how are you going to deal with life's trials and tribulations, when they come?

You seem to have posted that you've ruined your engagement, and be unable to accept when anybody says your relationship isn't healthy. I'm not sure why you've posted?

My dp doesnt not respond to calm, civilised talks. He may act like he does but he never acts on it.

Surely if this is true counselling is a waste of time and money?

I really get that you want this relationship to work but ultimately he doesn't listen to you then blames you for reaching breaking point.

But we have been through so much in such a short amount of time very quickly into our relationship that I think our experiences have aged and changed us. Therefore it feels abit unfair to keep comparing our relationship to this. Maybe had we not been through daunting crazy things so young so soon the strain we feel would be ten times less. But we have and I cant re-write the past. Im just trying to write out a good present in the hooes for a better future

But maybe it's time to accept that, because you went through all that stuff, you changed and that means your relationship won't work anymore.

Don't go down the road of falling for the sunken costs fallacy. You may have been with him x number of years and you may have DC together, but that doesn't mean you need to keep trying to fix a relationship that is no longer working.

Honestly, life is too short for all this. Go and be with someone who makes you happy and who doesn't have you in counselling and in arguments before you're even engaged.

OP, you sound like you need to do some self care, and i mean that as in see about getting some counselling for yourself, not just as a couple.

You've been through such a lot, and you DO sound depressed. i'm currently having CBT myself to address whats been a constant low mood for the past year, anxiety, PTSD from a bad relationship.. its all just got TOO much and i've not got the tools to cope.

Depression hits in different ways as parents, but if your mood is as low as it is, please speak to your GP, get some blood tests done, check its not vitamin deficiency or something else going on, and get some therapy for yourself. x

I could spend another 2 years "working on this" before we feel the relationship is 110% ready, in which case I could find someone who I would be ready in a year with.

But why is ‘the relationship being 110% ready for engagement’ the goal at all? Surely happiness is the goal, you might reach happiness tomorrow or in two years time - who knows but surely that is more important than an engagement? Can’t you just forget about getting engaged for now and focus on true happiness?

Surely true happiness will mean more to you, your dp, friends and family than an engagement anyway?

The second part is strange though, about how in that time you could meet someone else who might be ready to propose within a year - what does that matter? I think you need to remove the whole idea of engagement from the picture and just forget about it for now - you’ve pinned too much on it.

I posted because im upset and dissapointed in the both of us.

I was looking forward to being engaged together

I thought it was so far fetched for us it but it finally felt possible

Life has been shit after shit and this was something so good to finally look forward to and share the happiness with everyone. No im not getting engaged for my family but i would of loved of shared that moment with them all.

And then all our hard work was null in void by this one argument and im hurting, confused, devestated and how fickle everything seems, lost at what to do next

I wrote down my feelings to rant and hopefully find some clarity/understanding at why it all went down that way and why I feel so miserable lately. I think I have more of an understanding now than I did. I will speak to dp tonight and bring this all up in our counselling. I still want this to work as nonsensical and pointless as this may seem to everyone reading this. But these are my dc, this is my dp, and this is my life. And until we both decide we have given it our all, we have exasperated every avenue and its not working we will continue down the positive road to get where we want to be. We have too much to lose to not try.

PP have already given good advice on your relationship issues.
However…you already have children together. Whether or not you’re suited is besides the point.
Is your name on the mortgage? If not you need the protection of marriage.

IMO there’s no pint in an engagement etc at this stage you’re very vulnerable of all the proper arrangements haven’t been made

[quote Lemonaid21]**@10HailMarys* @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy*

I havent spoken about the marraige part as we most likely would be in no rush to get married. The general consensus was that we wanted to get engaged to show commitment to each other. Children is a responsibility but not towards on and another. We wanted to do this for and us. Our relationship has not allowed alot of that. This was the good we was looking forward to. Our families have seen alot of the ugly side of things and we was excited to come back engaged, to be as confident as we ever are about each other. To say jey we have been working on this behind the scenes and we are serious. This is for life.[/quote]
Engagement isn't a commitment, not since the 19th Century anyway. It's just a way of stating that you are getting married in a few months (the amount of time it takes to plan a wedding).
You don't sound keen on marriage generally and already live together and have children so not sure why you'd bother.

But these are my dc, this is my dp, and this is my life. And until we both decide we have given it our all, we have exasperated every avenue and its not working we will continue down the positive road to get where we want to be. We have too much to lose to not try.

You also have a lot to lose by staying in a relationship that isn't working and that's clearly making you both unhappy. Happy people don't row, argue and need counselling.