Think I've ruined my own engagement

[Lemonaid21]

Feeling really sad just want to rant.

Me and dps relationship has been far from perfect but we have gone through many hardships/traumas in a short amount of time. We have been taking up counselling and have finally been feeling alot more confident, positve and that we are in the strongest place we have ever been. Things have been looking up.

So much so that we had decided to get engaged. Its coming up to our anniversary that we are going away for and since we have dc and live together it only felt right after so much bad that we finally had some good.

Except, Im pretty sure I've ruined it. Now I dont think there is any point going away at all and im so deflated and upset with it all. I just want to be happy and feel like I am my worst enemy when it comes to ruining my happiness. I brought up an issue me and dp was having and it all escalated unnecessarily and blew up in our faces I then said I dont think we should be getting engaged like this let alone going away. I instantly regretted saying it. We have been managing our issues so well and not being aruging. I dont know whats wrong with me. My dp once said I dont know how to just be happy and I thought maybe he was just being too lax about things. But maybe he has a point.

Lately i've been feeling that im just so miserable all the time and pessimistic. I've been feeling pretty disgusted with myself and unlovable. I dont know why i've been so snappy and moany about things.

I just feel so stressed out and now with this so upset. Life has been pretty unforgiving and I was looking forward to this one silver lining. I knew it was too good to be true for me. I dont deserve happiness. Ive never had it.

Dp still wants to go away. He claims I havent ruined it yet. But I cant get on board with it the same after looking at rings and getting excited over coming away engaged to each other.

I dont know what I wanted from this but thanks for reading anyways

Starting to put your feelings to the forefront is something to look forward to. Respecting your own needs in a relationship is something to look forward to. Recognising that you can be happy without having to make a massive effort in a tough relationship is something to look forward to. Doing life with people who put a big smile on your face is something to look forward to.

Self respect is something to look forward to, something bigger and more important than any relationship, even a good, healthy, supportive one, can offer you.

But all you effort goes into making this one thing work, with this one man, who doesn't listen to you until you pop. Think of all the effort you make trying not to pop. Imagine putting all that effort into something rewarding for you and/or your kids. It's all being pissed up the wall, and you're trying so hard. So much effort to try to be happy. Just be with people you feel happy with without trying.

so good for you to share and get it off your chest. I think i'm in agreement that maybe calling to someone professional who can give clear, non bias advise would be really beneficial.
good luck! and hope you feel better about it all soon.

@Briony123 then i must of come across wrong as marriage is very important to me.

I also thought I had ruined my own engagement, but looking back afterwards I was so filled with love and joy that I completely forgot about some choice words I had said just before my DP proposed.

If it makes you feel any better we had not long finished couples counselling (we couldn't stop arguing during when DP asked me to choose a ring, but I wouldn't know when he was going to propose. One Saturday night a few weeks later he came home really pissed and he was quite emotional for some reason, we had a terrible fight and in anger I told him I would never want to marry him and to send the ring back. He still went ahead and proposed 2 days later - brave man! We've went from Strength to strength since then and that was nearly a year ago. Sometimes we do have to remind ourselves of what we learned in counselling. Best of luck to you OP

And until we both decide we have given it our all, we have exasperated every avenue and its not working we will continue down the positive road to get where we want to be. We have too much to lose to not try.

Maybe one thing you can discuss together in counselling is what "we've given it our all" actually looks like, so if the time comes you can see it for what it is. It's really not easy to recognise when it's time to end things, both because of the sunk cost fallacy (which is very hard to avoid falling foul of, even when you're aware of it) and because there's social pressure around staying together when you have children.

You don't want to be stuck in a cycle forever so I think it's really important that you can agree, together, when it would be time to stop.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave i agree talking about boundaries and a finishing line maybe benefical but how do I bring that up to my dp in a constructive way without it sounding too bad? He can be quite sensitive and its abit doom and gloom if we are talking about the end. He may disengage abit and become upset

@Lauren0902 im glad to hear it worked out for you two despite the rocky start

OP you can't make him someone who listens to calm, constructive conversations and takes it all on board. HE has to do that.

And he's choosing to have anger issues, ignore problems, not listen to communication until you're so het up you explode, disengages if he doesn't like the topic... if he's working on these things, good, but it's not healthy right now.

How long do you keep going for?

At what point do you say: I can't stay in a relationship where my emotional needs are ignored but I'm constantly being told 'we're working on it'?

Because it sounds like you are - but it doesn't sound like he's getting anywhere.

How long have you been in counselling?

i agree talking about boundaries and a finishing line maybe benefical but how do I bring that up to my dp in a constructive way without it sounding too bad? He can be quite sensitive and its abit doom and gloom if we are talking about the end. He may disengage abit and become upset

I think it's an ideal conversation to have with a counsellor, who can help mediate a bit. Perhaps you could email/phone the counsellor privately and ask them to suggest it, so it doesn't come from you? (I don't know if that's a done thing but maybe someone who's had couples counselling can chip in)

@housemaus nearing a month. So it is still very early days and we are still finding our footing about it if you get what I mean. But it definitely has already helped in many ways. The other day was a massive let down to all of that.

I hear what you are saying because of course I cant change him. But I have seen improvement in him and I wouldnt continue had I not. We decided to give counselling a fair amount of try (10 sessions) and if we wasnt gaining anything we was to re-evaluate

[quote Lemonaid21]@AnneLovesGilbert i'd love to and we have discussed how effective individual counsellung would be for both of us but with our couples sessions, going away, bills ect we just cant afford it right now.

I dont think dp was going to "propose" as such. I told him I didnt want him getting down on one knee. But we agreed to get engaged out there and go out for a nice meal to celebrate. We was then going to tell our families when we got back[/quote]
can’t your counsellor see you separately? I used to offer this as a couple counsellor- within set boundaries of i would see each person the same number of times as each other and i would respect privacy but not secrets.

@LowlyTheWorm that is an option from our counsellors behalf but money wise we just cant stretch it at the moment.

He has anger issues? Does the counsellor know? I am getting a terrible feeling from your posts that you are not 100% safe.

@Lemonaid21 have not read through the whole thread but scanned through your posts.

You are making WAY too much of this. When you’re in your 20s everyone makes a big deal and drama out of everything and life is idealised in a really unhealthy way.

Everyone argues. Nobody has this perfect relationship that builds up to engagement nirvana and putting all this pressure on your relationship is completely unrealistic and self defeating.

All the people I knew who made a big deal about having the perfect life and engagement and were really snooty about it are now divorced or separated.

You’ve been through a really shitty time, multiple traumas, you need antidepressants and individual therapy. This is a You issue not an Us issue. That doesn’t mean you still can’t have an enjoyable fulfilling relationship while you sort your shit out.

You both sound like you need a break. If you are with him for life does it really matter if he proposes to you tomorrow or 6 months away. Does it really matter if it’s on holiday or when you’re in the bath? NO.
It will be perfect no matter when or how it happens. And going on holiday even if he doesn’t propose is still perfectly valid and something you should rejoice in!!

Stop stressing out about things that don’t matter. Nothing is ruined.

Say to your partner something like you’re sorry for all the fights, you really love him and have been putting too much pressure on everything. Can we just go away and have some fun. If and when you propose it’s up to you, let’s not stress about this.

Go away and have some fun, you need it. Focus on taking care of yourself when you get back, sorting your health so you are happier and enjoy your relationship and family life.

Life is too short, it isn’t perfect and ups and downs are all part of it. This is not a movie. It will work out, please take that pressure off yourself.

@Lemonaid21
“we are not where we should be so long into this relationship… People get engaged a year in just because its so happy and blissful. I dont want to waste more of my life is this relationship cant give me what I want for myself.”

Some people never get married or live together very happily until they’re 50s and then suddenly go for it - there is no time line!!
I had this too, this notion that not being married beyond 5yrs was unreasonable, I was looking outwards at what other people would think and thinking I understood other peoples relationships that were “blissful” by comparison… I nearly destroyed my relationship and put now DH. Like you there was a lot of stress around at the time and I just amplified it all with anxiety and perfectionism. The grass is not always greener OP. If you break up with him and get with someone else you are going to carry all your baggage into the new relationship and find your needs still aren’t being met. Try and sort out what you’ve got and look after yourself so you can feel better.

And go on the blooming holiday and enjoy yourself!

Agree with @Robinni everything is intense and a big deal in your 20s, when you get older you realise it's not and everything doesn't have to be perfect (the perfect proposal and engagement etc).

You've had some great advice which I won't repeat but one thing I did want to say is that if you are unmarried, have children and are not working then you are in a very vulnerable position if things go wrong. I don't know your reasons for not working, if you are still on mat leave etc as you haven't said the ages of your DC(s) but if you plan to remain as a SAHM then forget the engagement and get married if that is the plan (if you really do want to stay together). Make sure you are on the mortgage if there is one on the house (you maybe renting I don't know).

Your info is too vague to give good advice
you Are clearly having mentail health issues and are sensible to seek help
You sound like you are catastrophising everything
If violence plays any part you need wnd it as never ends well

@1forAll74

I can't understand why you need all this counselling, surely two normal and sensible people can work out their problems together, without paying all this money for counselling., its not a magical thing, that can make you happy when you get home again, and won't banish your thoughts of being miserable and down all the time.

If counselling isn't for you and you don't think it's worth it, that's your choice. But you've got no business telling other people how to spend their own time and money!

you've got no business telling other people how to spend their own time and money

I disagree. It’s clear that no amount of counselling is going to make this shitshow of a relationship work.

I dont know how this thread turned into a really helpful ensightful one to basically labelling me a drama queen.

Im not a baby.

Im am going on a 25 and have been through many life experiences that I can safely say has forced me to mature quicker than my time. I am a devoted mum. I have dropped most semblance of youth to bring up my dc.

The problems my relationship has encountered arent just minor disuptes. I get no enjoyment or personal growth from arguing and Im not doing it to be hard headed. Its all cause and effect. And these problems just cant be swept under the rug to make life "easier". This is a big thing for me because this is my FAMILY. This is not me "making a big deal" out of nothing there couldnt be anything more important or serious to me then my dc and dp. I will not have strangers on the internet belittle and undermine or diregard what I am going through as abit of teen angst.

Thanks.

What exactly do you argue about? Is it constant bickering about small stuff or a few big issues?

@Regularsizedrudy we very rarely if it all bicker. It is about major issues that have not been resolved or that my dp has pushed aside

OP. It’s really hard to offer you advice without knowing what you’re going through/have been through but this is my two cents:

If the difficulties involve:

Violence
Infidelity
A lack of respect
Sexual coercion
A lack of physical attraction
Laziness and lack of equal division of labour in the home.

Call it a day.

25 is way too young for all this shit. If you were happy before him and can’t seem to be happy with him chances are you won’t be happy again until you move on.

My DH and I have been together for 17 years. He’s never once pushed aside something I’m worried about and I’d never do that to him either.