Think I've ruined my own engagement

[Lemonaid21]

Feeling really sad just want to rant.

Me and dps relationship has been far from perfect but we have gone through many hardships/traumas in a short amount of time. We have been taking up counselling and have finally been feeling alot more confident, positve and that we are in the strongest place we have ever been. Things have been looking up.

So much so that we had decided to get engaged. Its coming up to our anniversary that we are going away for and since we have dc and live together it only felt right after so much bad that we finally had some good.

Except, Im pretty sure I've ruined it. Now I dont think there is any point going away at all and im so deflated and upset with it all. I just want to be happy and feel like I am my worst enemy when it comes to ruining my happiness. I brought up an issue me and dp was having and it all escalated unnecessarily and blew up in our faces I then said I dont think we should be getting engaged like this let alone going away. I instantly regretted saying it. We have been managing our issues so well and not being aruging. I dont know whats wrong with me. My dp once said I dont know how to just be happy and I thought maybe he was just being too lax about things. But maybe he has a point.

Lately i've been feeling that im just so miserable all the time and pessimistic. I've been feeling pretty disgusted with myself and unlovable. I dont know why i've been so snappy and moany about things.

I just feel so stressed out and now with this so upset. Life has been pretty unforgiving and I was looking forward to this one silver lining. I knew it was too good to be true for me. I dont deserve happiness. Ive never had it.

Dp still wants to go away. He claims I havent ruined it yet. But I cant get on board with it the same after looking at rings and getting excited over coming away engaged to each other.

I dont know what I wanted from this but thanks for reading anyways

[quote Lemonaid21]@Cocomarine we were going to buy a cheap ring. Twenty pound max. We dont care for the engagement rings compared to the wedding rings which will be worn forever. This holiday had been booked a long time ago and is cheap and within the country. We are going for 2 days. No need to be so judgemental about our financial situation when you dont really know the first thing about it[/quote]
@Lemonaid21 I’m not trying to mean, I’m serious. You told another poster that you’d like to have solo counselling, and it was you that listed the trip away as one reason you couldn’t afford it.

I’m not judging your financial situation, I’m judging your priorities. An engagement ring may be £20 but marriage - however cheaply done - is more.

It sounds like you’ve had a really rough time and he thinks the show of commitment of engagement is some kind of pick me up. It isn’t. Though I’m not saying he’s not doing that really with the best of intentions.

I just think you should set thoughts of engagement aside and focus on that counselling. Even considering whether solo counselling needs to take priority over the couples counselling.

Im just feeling so deflated I dont know what the point to this all is

Why are you doing something that's such hard work if you don't know what the point is?

People in healthy relationships feel supported by their relationship. The relationship isn't something that keeps knocking them down.

Stop trying to work out what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. You're in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy, and you're unhappy. That's the good and appropriate response to have.

You just need to respond to it, rather than trying to overwhelm it with what you think you should be doing.

OP, those are all things which would take their toll on anyone - it's absolutely no wonder you're feeling miserable and stressed. It sounds like there's a lot of different traumatic events that have collided together and when that happens people often develop cPTSD (i.e. complex PTSD, because it's not the result of one specific incident but lots of traumatic incidents over a long period).

Family issues over your life, traumatic pregnancy and birth, a bad accident... all of those combined would definitely fit the bill. If there were elements of trauma already there, further traumatic experiences will worsen or trigger the cPTSD, which might explain why you're feeling much worse suddenly.

You need help for this more generally, and you need to speak to your doctor and explain how you're feeling - you can feel better, I promise.

In terms of your relationship, have a read of this - here are some bits you might relate to:

PTSD symptoms can include irritability and emotional outbursts. You might then respond to others in a way they don’t understand, fear, or resent.

Even the smallest discussion might make you feel extremely anxious and overwhelmed, which can get in the way of you expressing yourself clearly.

negative self-image

Or this article:

Intimate relationships are often the most damaged when someone is battling cPTSD because those who are closest to them are often the same people who trigger their vulnerabilities and fears. For example, a partner’s concern can be interpreted as judging or shaming, and may make a person with cPTSD feel emotionally triggered. They may feel confused or angered which can trigger hypervigilance due to feeling unsafe.

As a result, many will run, push away, shut down, or lash out. This in turn can trigger depression, self-doubt, and further shame which adds to symptoms experienced by those with cPTSD. This pattern can become cyclic if left unchecked.

Please, please go and speak to your doctor.

My sense is that you are nowhere near in the right space emotionally/mentally to be getting engaged or married. Yes relationships take work, but yours sounds like its taking way too much work. Maybe you both need some time apart, to assess what the relationship means to you both.

Op the things you are saying sound very much like you are depressed. You have said that you are miserable and snappy, that you don't deserve to be happy and you seem to feel that your weekend plans are ruined because you snapped and said something negative. Clearly your dh doesn't think this is the case. You need to go to the gp and get some help. You've mentioned yourself that you've had a very difficult time lately with lots of trauma and it's often only once life has calmed down that we are able to let all that out and process it.

You sound hard work. And that may well be because your depressed so definitely worth talking to a gp. Intense conversation all the time can get really frustrating, the way some on MN speak to their kids/partners would really do my head in,

If you still want to go away, your partner has said you've not ruined it. Take him at his word and decide whether or not you still want to.

Unless being married gives you some advantage e.g. property, then I think you might be best to listen to your gut and hold off.

Excellent post, Hausmaus.

This sounds so difficult and both of you are probably exhausted from parenting young kids on top of everything!

Please tell your GP how you've been feeling and see if they can offer help. If you aren't comfortable with medication, there are lots of other things you can try. I know it is very hard to take these steps as depression can make it feel worthless or too much effort, but believe me it will pay off.

The couples counselling may be really valuable for the two of you, but it does sound as though your own mental health is worth addressing individually and could further strengthen your relationship.

actually housemaus put it much better than I did.

@RedHelenB my partner makes me feel lile im hard work. When really all we argue about are basics in a relationship. I wish i could explain the issue to give context. But this issue has made me feel undesirable and pathetic. Its exshausting constantly bringing up the same issues because you communicate to your partner and then instead of finding a resolve they do nothing about it. It leads to build up of resentment and frustration which then inevitability leads us into an arguement when im at my wits end.

I hate myself when i get emotional. I feel pathetic and a mess and always think less of myself afterwards. I resent my partner for not listening to me and doing nothing to stop it going there.

Its a horrible cycle that we are tackling in counselling at the moment. Which was why i was so disheartened when the arugement happened and played out like how it always does.

An engagement shouldn't really be a silver lining... It should be the logical step for a strong and committed relationship. I think you need to not focus on getting engaged and actually just enjoy some time away together.

It sounds to me like you really just need time to work on yourself and your perspective on life so you can learn to be happy and look at things positively.

I agree with others that you should not be thinking of marriage at the moment. As engagement is (or certainly used to be) a preparation for marriage, that doesn't need to be an issue either.
There's another thread running at the moment about divorce, and one of the reasons given was a couple who thought getting married would fix a problem. It didn't for them and it wouldn't for you.
But don't take this as negative. It you're living together reasonably happily, and with children, why not stay as you are?

@Celendine getting married would offer me security yes.

OP when you start counselling things will often feel a bit worse before they start to get better. You are perhaps in that phase of unpacking all your demons and facing them and finding it all mentally tough and depressing. Perhaps the engagement is overwhelming you a bit on some level? Maybe you don’t have much headspace left with everything else you are processing (on top of the usual daily grind!).

Be kind to yourself, release a bit of pressure and stick with the counselling process - perhaps individual for a bit.

DH never really proposed to me but we've been married for nearly 34 years. It does sound like you might be depressed though so seek medical attention. If you've already decided to get married you're already engaged. The ring is to tell other men you're taken.

@pocketbunny to be honest I dont think I can face going away om what I knew should of been our engagement if we decide to not go ahead with it.

In my eyes that would turn a good thing into a bad before we have even go. I would constantly just be thinking that "we should of been getting engaged right now" but instead we arent and the holiday will just be another reminder that we are not where we should be so long into this relationship. That stings. People get engaged a year in just because its so happy and blissful. If I cant have that now and its not on the cards in the foreseeable future then am I not wasting my time here? I could spend another 2 years "working on this" before we feel the relationship is 110% ready, in which case I could find someone who I would be ready in a year with. I've already been through so much anguish. I dont want to waste more of my life is this relationship cant give me what I want for myself.

It shouldn't be this much hard work

are you looking forward to 'being engaged/married' than actually sharing your life with this man? It's the hard moments that count not the nice weekends away

Oh god, this is such a difficult read. Your posts are just screaming out that you don’t want to marry him.

@Ohmybod yes that is so true! I never expected it but of course now logically thinking about it counselling will do this to the person. Its like im reliving the dark days as everything is been brought to the surface (not that we found any resolve in these issues anyways so it needed to happen.) Its still so mentally taxing to go through though. We have been through years of history together and things that we had even forgotton or been burried deep down has been brought up and shocked us.

Maybe I am feeling pressure because my dp wanted to wait this engagement out and now everything is starting to get ontop of me. The whole reason why i spoke about the issue we was having the other day was because i cant face getting engaged with it looming over our heads with the enormity of what it was. It needed addressing. I want to enter the next chapter of our lives the right way, on equal grounds with no major issues lurking behind us to weigh us down.

@PoshPyjamas do they?

Don't marry him when you feel like this

When really all we argue about are basics in a relationship

This isn't an 'all' situation. The basics in a relationship are precisely what you shouldn't be arguing about if you're thinking of getting married.

@thisplaceisweird no its the concept of him actually being my husand. Of us sharing our lives together. Of him being my person and we continue our lives together that way.

I do NOT care for a proposal just as much as I dont care for a wedding. I would happily do something in a garden with my parents and siblings and that is that.

As i said I dont not for one second hold marriage as the key and answer to our issues. But i want that for us and I want to be with him. I want our family.

@Lemonaid21 I just want you to realise that getting engaged and getting married changes nothing in a relationship. It's literally a piece of paper and a new label. You won't fight any less... In fact you might fight more... Guest lists are stressful, the cost etc... We got married after 10 years together and it's all just the same. So please don't think things will change because you are setting yourself up for a shock :(

I wish I had more advice or something helpful to offer, but I really hope everything works out the way that benefits your well-being the most. Keep talking to others for different perspectives but trust your own instincts at the end of the day.