Think I've ruined my own engagement

[Lemonaid21]

Feeling really sad just want to rant.

Me and dps relationship has been far from perfect but we have gone through many hardships/traumas in a short amount of time. We have been taking up counselling and have finally been feeling alot more confident, positve and that we are in the strongest place we have ever been. Things have been looking up.

So much so that we had decided to get engaged. Its coming up to our anniversary that we are going away for and since we have dc and live together it only felt right after so much bad that we finally had some good.

Except, Im pretty sure I've ruined it. Now I dont think there is any point going away at all and im so deflated and upset with it all. I just want to be happy and feel like I am my worst enemy when it comes to ruining my happiness. I brought up an issue me and dp was having and it all escalated unnecessarily and blew up in our faces I then said I dont think we should be getting engaged like this let alone going away. I instantly regretted saying it. We have been managing our issues so well and not being aruging. I dont know whats wrong with me. My dp once said I dont know how to just be happy and I thought maybe he was just being too lax about things. But maybe he has a point.

Lately i've been feeling that im just so miserable all the time and pessimistic. I've been feeling pretty disgusted with myself and unlovable. I dont know why i've been so snappy and moany about things.

I just feel so stressed out and now with this so upset. Life has been pretty unforgiving and I was looking forward to this one silver lining. I knew it was too good to be true for me. I dont deserve happiness. Ive never had it.

Dp still wants to go away. He claims I havent ruined it yet. But I cant get on board with it the same after looking at rings and getting excited over coming away engaged to each other.

I dont know what I wanted from this but thanks for reading anyways

OP, you seem to be someone who takes things very seriously and perhaps overthinks things?

If you've discussed marriage and have both said you want to go for it, then you are already engaged. But you seem to be putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself and your DP to make this engagement some sort of occasion for everyone else's benefit. It's adding unnecessary pressure when you're struggling already.

Please be kind to yourself and speak again to your DP about this specific thing but also about whether individual counselling might be more beneficial for both of you than couples therapy.

[quote Lemonaid21]@RedHelenB my partner makes me feel lile im hard work. When really all we argue about are basics in a relationship. I wish i could explain the issue to give context. But this issue has made me feel undesirable and pathetic. Its exshausting constantly bringing up the same issues because you communicate to your partner and then instead of finding a resolve they do nothing about it. It leads to build up of resentment and frustration which then inevitability leads us into an arguement when im at my wits end.

I hate myself when i get emotional. I feel pathetic and a mess and always think less of myself afterwards. I resent my partner for not listening to me and doing nothing to stop it going there.

Its a horrible cycle that we are tackling in counselling at the moment. Which was why i was so disheartened when the arugement happened and played out like how it always does.[/quote]
Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour.

Stop blaming yourself for having normal reactions to his behaviour.

Therapy only works when people change their behaviour outside of the sessions. He is not doing that, so it is a waste of time and money. It is not going to magically change things simply by attending, by wishful thinking or by symbolic engagements.

Stop trying to work out what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. You're in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy, and you're unhappy. That's the good and appropriate response to have.

This poster is spot on.

Your feelings are communicating something to you and you are ignoring them, which is making you miserable.

Knowing when to let go of something is an important skill to have in order to live a happy life. You seem to be confusing constructive perseverance with flogging a dead horse - you might wish that the horse would get up and run if only you work hard enough but the reality is you do not have the power to resurrect it.

Knowing how and when to give up is an important and valuable skill. It is not a weakness, it is a strength.

I can't understand why you need all this counselling, surely two normal and sensible people can work out their problems together, without paying all this money for counselling., its not a magical thing, that can make you happy when you get home again, and won't banish your thoughts of being miserable and down all the time.

@housemaus thank you again for your well thought out response. I will defiently take it all on board and bring it up with my counsellor. I did not know that ptsd could present itself in those ways. Maybe this is all a collection of pms/ptsd/pressure. No wonder im a mess haha.

As I stressed before im not always like this. And i dont always lash out at my partner unpredictably but we do have issues that get on top of me and then I do let my emotions get the better of me and i explode. My partner lets things fester and it drives me insane. I hate being like this though and maybe all this aruging is bringing down my self esteem? As i mentioned before i grew up in an abusive argumentative household and I do not want that for myself or my dc. It gets me no where with dp and it just gets me so worked up and upsets the household.

Who would feel loveable when all they do is cry hysterically and shout? And its all for nothing as dp usually just resorts back to not changing. Counselling has been more productive than any argument ever has been of course.

Im just tired of being like this and feeling at war against my dp. We should be tackling issues together. We have spoken about this and we have been really good but the other day tested us and it all came crumbling down

As an aside, you should not be using counselling for trauma because it will embed the trauma rather than healing it. The NICE guidelines on treating trauma emphasise this.

If you are using joint counselling to discuss trauma that will make you feel worse and no reputable professional would be doing that with you.

Relationship counselling should be about how you communicate and relate, it should never be used to relive traumas as that is harmful and dangerous.

For trauma, you need a trauma therapy with a qualified professional who has trauma expertise - trauma focused CBT, EMDR, etc.

Counselling is specifically not approved to treat trauma as the evidence shows it will only make trauma worse and risk turning it into full blown PTSD when you otherwise would have recovered - if you are using the counselling sessions to relive your traumas, please please please stop and get yourself a referral for trauma therapy instead.

I resent my partner for not listening to me and doing nothing to stop it going there.

Please put the engagement on to hold until that has been sorted out, and go talk to your GP.
You may be depressed, and you may also be eligible for some free counselling or CBT on the NHS. Its possible you are catastrophising, but it sounds more like something has been the straw that broke the camels back.

this is painful

It’s clearly not working, you’re trying to make this right to prove to other people that it’s ok, to yourself that it’s ok.

Love/relationships or indeed ANY kind of relationship/friendship shouldn’t be this hard

I know you WANT him to be the one, but this conflict you’re feeling is your body and soul telling you it’s not.

There was a time when I wanted George Clooney to be The One, but he didn’t wait for me, clearly

My oh IS absolutely the world to me, and sure we have the odd difference in opinion but not so much that we’re trying to force a square peg into a round hole

You’re not happy. Not with yourself and not with him.

Stop this car crash of a relationship, spend time alone to work on your own individual issues and commit to your own health

Stop trying to prove this relationship works; it doesn’t

@RedHelenB

You sound hard work. And that may well be because your depressed so definitely worth talking to a gp. Intense conversation all the time can get really frustrating, the way some on MN speak to their kids/partners would really do my head in,

If you still want to go away, your partner has said you've not ruined it. Take him at his word and decide whether or not you still want to.

Everybody is hard work when they're in a relationship with the wrong person. That's what being with the wrong person looks like; it's the very definition of being with the wrong person.

Being with the right person makes you feel like you're not work at all. Being with the right person makes you feel like even if the world was against you, you'd be ok, as an individual, and as a couple. Being with the right person makes you feel as if you've made your life take as little unnecessary effort as possible.

Make it easy on yourself, OP. Find someone who doesn't make you feel you're hard work. The first person who has to know this, at heart, is you. At the moment you are entertaining the idea that perhaps you are hard work, and this is clouding your judgment.

Are there people in your life with whom you don't feel like you're hard work?

This was exhausting to read, never mind live. Relationships have challenges, of course, but they really shouldn't be this hard work.

OP you are only in your early 20s. Your childhood was not very long ago, and I can understand that feeling that you now want to give your baby the happy secure childhood you deserved but never had.

The way to do that lies within YOU and not by getting married to someone who isn't actually a decent partner to you.

You mention 'broken' homes. There is nothing more broken than continuing a relationship that isn't working. Better to be happy apart than miserable together trying to make an square peg fit in a round hole.

You mention proving things to your families. You have nothing to prove. Don't have a relationship to show others that we you can. Have a relationship where you each respect and care for the other.

I agree with getting counselling for yourself. You are right at the start of what can be an amazing adult life. Don't rush.

Thing is as a pps wrote I am a deep thinker (possible overthinker). Dp claims that because I have more time on my hands i sit at home and think too much into things and I wonder if maybe this plays into me making things feel worse for myself than they actually are.

For example making this thread. Now im feeling even more disheartened than I was before. Dp will come home and I will try to communicate with him but will already have so much negative emotion to bring to the table about it where as dp is at work and will be on a different page to me. He thinks we have rekindled since the arguement. It sets us at a mismatch and potentional failure before we even begin

Where as dp compartmentalizes his thoughts and can only deal with one thing at a time. Therefore we clash alot and he may not understand why Im so upset about something when to him it wasnt in the front of his mind. Dp also has a bad habit of shutting down when im trying to communicate rarther than opening up. He never initiates communication and so consequently the job is left up to me and that sets me off on the wrong foot as it makes me angry that Im the only one doing it.

OP, my point about PTSD potentially still stands - I think there's more going on here than your DP and you need proper trauma therapy to address that, because by the sounds of it there's stuff going back to childhood that will 100% have an effect on how you're responding to more recent traumas, and you shouldn't have to carry that round without help.

But if you're trying to fix things in your relationship and your DH isn't, you're never going to get anywhere. You're rowing round in circles wondering why you're not making progress. You're aware of your communication style and why it's not productive, you're clearly very able to think clearly about the way you are and how you can improve - potentially too much so. He, however, doesn't seem to be able or willing to change things - and you can't do all the work by yourself.

It's hard to know without knowing exactly what the issues are, but if there's a recurrent issue in your relationship that after multiple discussions and starting counselling your DP cannot or will not improve on - then he, not you, is probably the issue.

Please don't send yourself mad trying to think that if you work on yourself over and over and be 'better' that it'll fix something that isn't entirely/at all your fault (depending on what it is).

What exactly is the point of 'getting engaged'?

Just like having a baby never 'fixes' a relationship, deciding you're 'engaged' won't either. You've got a life and a child/children together and if it's not going well, plonking a label on isn't going tl change anything.
Counselling, a medical appointment and some real communication is surely more important at this stage OP. Please take care of yourself first.

Sorry it sounds like you’re fundamentally unsuited and in denial about it, trying very hard to force it to work. It’s all force and no ease by the sounds of it.

If you’re not happy now, marriage certainly won’t help. It shouldn’t be this hard, it sounds exhausting and endless.

@AChocolateOrangeaday

Having counselling before you get engaged/married would be a huge red flag to me.

It shouldn't be this much hard work.

Lots of couples go to pre-marriage counselling. It makes a lot of sense. People can get caught up in getting married and don't address all the values and issues that they need to.

OP you sound overwhelmed and it's impossible to say whether that's your ptsd or whether you are depressed or if this relationship is just very toxic. I agree with a PP who suggested some individual counselling sessions. It's difficult to get a sense of who you are and what you want. You seem unaccustomed to valuing and centring yourself. Counselling can help you do that and to prioritise your own needs.

OP, you are relatively young and speaking only for myself, I learned sooooo much about communication, tact and diplomacy in my late 20s, 30s and 40s.
Also, I found that in PMS I wouldn't think black was white, but I would get far far too worked up about the fact that something was black (or white) - when the hormone hell had passed, I would look back and shudder at the tantrums I had thrown. In my "normal" state I would deal with exactly the same thing calmly, constructively and without a self-indulgent row.

You sound exhausted and bearing all manner of emotional scars. Heal first. Engagement later.

Oh and have a strategy to deal with hormone hell. It stopped causing huge problems when we both learned to recognize it, and stick me in a corner with comfort food while my OH took over things until I was safe to be about again.

Honestly, don't waste your time and your youth on an unhappy relationship. I'm 13 years and 2 kids in. The first 2 years are really as good as it gets. You become more tied to someone but that doesn't make them kinder, a better listener, more supportive ect. It just makes it harder to seperate yourself.

I can’t help but feel your partner is the cause of all of the misery weeping from your posts.

Thing is as a pps wrote I am a deep thinker (possible overthinker). Dp claims that because I have more time on my hands i sit at home and think too much into things and I wonder if maybe this plays into me making things feel worse for myself than they actually are.

Don't you work? Have you considered looking for a job? My mental health and relationship improved massively when I returned to work after Mat Leave first time around.

@Lemonaid21

Thing is as a pps wrote I am a deep thinker (possible overthinker). Dp claims that because I have more time on my hands i sit at home and think too much into things and I wonder if maybe this plays into me making things feel worse for myself than they actually are.

For example making this thread. Now im feeling even more disheartened than I was before. Dp will come home and I will try to communicate with him but will already have so much negative emotion to bring to the table about it where as dp is at work and will be on a different page to me. He thinks we have rekindled since the arguement. It sets us at a mismatch and potentional failure before we even begin

Where as dp compartmentalizes his thoughts and can only deal with one thing at a time. Therefore we clash alot and he may not understand why Im so upset about something when to him it wasnt in the front of his mind. Dp also has a bad habit of shutting down when im trying to communicate rarther than opening up. He never initiates communication and so consequently the job is left up to me and that sets me off on the wrong foot as it makes me angry that Im the only one doing it.

You're defining incompatibility. You do things one way and he thinks it's too much, he does things another way and you think it's not enough.

You've met someone who doesn't match you, and now you're upset with yourself for not matching him.

Get yourself off the hook. Nobody needs to change. Nobody needs to think they're faulty or need to correct themselves. You just don't fit.

@Herejustforthisone

I can’t help but feel your partner is the cause of all of the misery weeping from your posts.

Really? Nothing I’ve read leads me to that conclusion. I think they’re incompatible and I imagine he’s a bit frustrated with it all. I think I would be too in all honesty.

@whenwilliwillibefamous i was taking natural remedies for hormonal inbalance but stopped. Time to go back on it. Like you said during pms sometimes I dont recognise myself. Then when its over its lime a cloud lifts and I always regret and cringe at how I acted.

Do you have anymore tips on how to handle it?

I cant go on the pill but i eat well, have a disciplined routine and walk.

Do these differences/ incapitable qualities mean we can never make it work?

Does a partner have to match you in everyway for it to be long lasting?

Why would you ever marry someone who you constantly "feel at war" with?

The more you post, the clearer it is that this relationship isn't bringing either of you happiness. You know how some couples have children in a last-ditch attempt to save the relationship? It seems that this engagement is your version of that, as you already have children.

Some fights aren't winnable. This relationship may come under that category.

@Blossomtoes

You're saying the same thing as the post you quoted, but you're assuming that the partner being the source of the misery means he's doing something objectively wrong.

Two good, kind, decent, loving people can be the source of each other's misery. Incompatibility, as you say.