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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband is a twat for this comment?

245 replies

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 22:58

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 18/04/2022 08:55

This is MN and he’s a man, of course he’s a twat. He’s a husband so he’s a double twat. Divorce him as he’s a vile, thoughtless w*nker etc etc. You’re a woman, you’re a wife so your teasing was just fun banter and you are far too good for him, or any man. (😉)

PlasticineMeg · 18/04/2022 08:56

Pleased all is well again with you both OP.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall when you 2 play Monopoly Wink

MarriedThreeChildren · 18/04/2022 08:59

@Theunamedcat

You joked with him and it bruised his ego
bruised ego for loosing at cards and having less luck than His dwife??

You need to be pretty sensitive for that!

notanothertakeaway · 18/04/2022 08:59

@honeybushbunch

Joking about winning all the card games is hardly the same thing as making a nasty comment about salaries. I don’t care whether or not I win a card game, for example; but just show me someone whose self-esteem and sense of purpose isn’t linked to their job and earnings somehow! Pretty much everyone’s is, and we all know that!

Games are games - there are also conventions of treating them lightly and not being a sore loser, and anyway, one’s entire life is not structured around being good or not at Uno, like it is about the job you have and the salary you earn.

Making a comment about salary levels is not being just a poor loser but genuinely nasty - it goes from a trivial joke to something really pointed that doesn’t sound much like a joke.

Those saying OP was also rude are totally missing the difference between a genuine joke about something trivial, and a hurtful and pointed comment that suggests that he genuinely looks down on his wife for earning less.

A grown man (or woman) should not have an ego so fragile that he’s sulking over a joke about a card game and making genuinely cutting and hurtful comparisons in return. OP your husband was being shitty. Mine would do that kind of thing too - he’s also a sulky manchild with an over sensitive ego about trivial things so I feel your pain.

Agree with @honeybushbunch

I wouldn't particularly like it if my DH crowed over beating me at cards, but his comment about earning double your salary was mean. Many a true word spoken in jest, and all that

Rosehugger · 18/04/2022 09:00

It was certainly a twatty comment. I'd have a discussion with him about how he was going to.support my career if he'd like me to earn more money.

Faevern · 18/04/2022 09:04

So you win again …. and all is well

EarringsandLipstick · 18/04/2022 09:06

@Suprima

What a feeble, pathetic man.

He’s shown you exactly what he thinks of you there. Couldn’t deal with you beating him at uno so he thought he’d try and put you right in your place.

Anyone who thinks this was just a ‘joke’ is an absolute mug

Don't be ridiculous.
Mollyschambers13 · 18/04/2022 09:09

Glad you’ve got your apology OP.

For what it’s worth, I think some of these comments are judgy and unfair. I think you are completely reasonable to want an apology. You were joking around, teasing that you beat him at cards (something in consequential) and he comes back at you with something that you’re obviously sensitive about (and I think rightly so given it sounds like you have given up a lot in order for him to be able to obtain that salary). I think the biggest question is whether he knew that that would upset you. If yes, then he was being childish and a sore loser bringing that up to a playful argument, and killed the fun you were having abs you should definitely talk about why he overreacted so much to a small thing (maybe something had happened at work that day?). If no, then he was probably surprised by your reaction and the responses you gave (which are valid) but if he didn’t know how it would upset you, then he might have got more defensive (which I think is similar to the position you find yourself in - you didn’t know your comment would upset him).

Sounds like one of those unfortunate things that you should definitely talk through and work out to avoid the same issue being raised again. Best of luck!

EarringsandLipstick · 18/04/2022 09:11

It's over now, we are friends again.

Good outcome OP - glad it's over & you've both apologised.

I do think (for your tally!) you were being UR, you sound goady AF with your 'you can't beat me at anything'; his comment touched a nerve; a silly row ensued.

Hope you are both properly over it & have a nice day 😊

notanothertakeaway · 18/04/2022 09:14

OP, did you apologise to him too?

Herejustforthisone · 18/04/2022 09:19

I think your husband is a twat, too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/04/2022 09:19

@imisscashmere

I find this kind of thread SO WEIRD.

Strangers on the internet can’t possibly know. The answer completely depends on unknowable factors, eg the history between the couple, the tones each used while arguing, etc etc.

I mean...that's what a forum is! It's the case for basically every single thread on MN.
MrsDeaconClaybourne · 18/04/2022 09:21

I'm very late to this but my take is it massively depends on whether he knew that would be a sensitive subject for you or not. I've been in your position and when I was in the thick of childcare and not being able to work as we'd moved and he was away so much I'd have been so upset by that comment. I don't think I'd have even carried on arguing, it would probably have made me cry. It would have touched a nerve that he didn't value what I did do.

Now though, years down the line with older DC I still earn loads less than DH but love my job, do fewer hours and much less stress. I'd laugh now and make some remark like a PP about how he wouldn't have much money left if I invoiced him for everything I do.

Trixiefirecracker · 18/04/2022 09:23

I think he was totally out of order with his salary retort, at no point is it fine to bring that up even if you are a sore loser.

Treacletoots · 18/04/2022 09:24

OP I'm totally with you. He was a twat.

DH and I often play Scrabble or similar and 9 times out of 10 I beat him. Not because we're not equally matched or he's not equally if not.even more intelligent than me, just because well I seem to be slightly better at it.

When I win.several.times in a row I might make a jokey comment about it and DH will respond with an eye roll or a smile because he's not a twat.

Men who use their earning capacity to belittle you, despite the fact he knows he was only able to do so because you sacrificed yours, well, sums it up really.

Glad to hear you got an apology.

MrMerlot · 18/04/2022 09:25

He's been a twat. Unfortunately, so have you. That was something incredibly silly that was allowed to escalate into a series of very personal insults.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 18/04/2022 09:27

You must know your dh. Why would you taunt him in the first place, if you get upset by the retaliation?

Shabtipup · 18/04/2022 09:35

He's a sore loser and felt emasculated that you beat him so many times so he had to prove a point to assert himself. Salary was the way he felt he had power over you. YANBU. You must be really good at card games, take it as a compliment that you got him so wound up Grin but his response is unacceptable for sure.

dworky · 18/04/2022 09:36

Well, he's revealed a very important fact about himself there, hasn't he?

higherthanthat · 18/04/2022 09:38

He was a dick. You made a jokey comment about something inconsequential and he used it to put you down on something significant.

It tells you everything you need to know about how he sees you.

dworky · 18/04/2022 09:40

All the handmaidens stating 'if you joke with fragile men, you deserve their misogyny" need to think about the conclusion of their belief.

LoveAllCakes · 18/04/2022 09:46

@indiesearcher

Morning all.

So I got the cuppa in bed and the apology.

He came in, said "I'm sorry about last night, silly argument".

I shall leave it there for now but I like a pp's suggestion that we don't play cards again anytime soon.

A gentle ribbing (from either side) is normally tolerated with lots of good humour. I don't think the fact he'd been drinking helped.

Thanks everyone, such a range of responses. I should have turned the voting on.

Maybe I'll just tally up the responses later....😉

All sorted, that’s great. I’d written a bit of a nasty comment but I’m so glad that 1. I read the OP posts first and 2. Stopped and thought how I’d feel to be on the receiving end when I was feeling crappy anyway. I hope others read all your comments before adding to this thread Flowers
VeganGod · 18/04/2022 09:50

I do think (for your tally!) you were being UR, you sound goady AF with your 'you can't beat me at anything'; his comment touched a nerve; a silly row ensued.

But her comment was clearly a joke, because it’s fairly obvious that between any two adults, there would be things that they would both beat each other at, whether it’s the silly things like games or more serious things like earning more. But you don’t mention them, you play along and laugh.

I really appreciate being in a relationship where we can joke like this, I don’t need to worry about taking the piss of him as he knows how amazing I think he is. I’d find having to be so mindful of a partners fragile ego, to the point that I couldn’t make I joke about a game of cards, quite draining. My mum had to constantly do this to my dad as well as building him up at any opportunity to stop him having a strop. 🤮

It’s a running joke in my house that I never win at mario kart, ‘everyone can beat mum’...it’s funny because it really doesn’t matter. And when I do beat them very, very occasionally, I tell them they must be absolutely rubbish to lose to me whilst enjoying my victory. It’s funny.

CounsellorTroi · 18/04/2022 09:51

@OLP2019

Actually amazed how many people think he was in the right to say this - she was winding him up about winning a card game - presumably all in good humor- and his response was mean and belittling / this would hurt my feelings and also make me question that he didn't realize or appreciate my contribution to the family If all that matters is money
She actually said “you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!". He might have felt she was implying he was generally useless. I don’t crow like that on the occasions I beat DH at Scrabble.
Newmumatlast · 18/04/2022 09:55

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

It was a shitty comment.

I earn 3 times what my husband does and I would never ever use that against him or even bring it up in conversation!

Same. I tell him what my turnover is so he knows as we are married and I tell him what I've saved for the same reasons but I would never make a comment such as this.
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