To think husband is a twat for this comment?

[indiesearcher]

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

Some people are sore losers and have sensitive egos. He lashed out using something that was below the belt imo.

Tbf if my DH said "you can't beat me at anything" - I'd have responded in a similar way, and list any and everything I could in fact beat him at
But we would laugh it off and not argue, i am
Fiercely competitive and it's good in business but otherwise a horrid personality trait of mine, which I recognise.
I think you could have both laughed it off tbh.

** I totally get his point.

And to say you can’t beat me at anything is asking for trouble**

^This. You were asking for it by deliberately being goady.

@indiesearcher

Oooh seems like I might have touched a nerve, fair enough, happy to be told IABU. Just think he's the one that took it too far.

But he obviously thinks it was you that took it too far.

You thought it was just a joke, but maybe it hit a nerve.

Maybe he thought his comment was a joke, but it's obviously hit a big nerve with you.

Blah blah blah.

Just sounds like a misunderstanding/silly fall out.

But this is how we play cards... very jokingly. The card games we play are entirely luck based, we both know this and we do tend to jibe the loser a bit... normally not a problem.

How will I fix it? If I have t smothered him with a pillow for his snoring before morning I'll apologise if I was a bad winner. Equally I'd expect him to apologise for his comment.

To a previous poster, nope I was very happy to move away and support his career. It has never been an issue. At least it wasn't until he brought up my lower earnings!

So he got his ego bruised over a game and his reaction was to lash out at you over a really important and by definition sensitive issue. That is very telling.

Ok ok thank you everyone. Seems I was a bit goady and I will say as much in the morning.

I personally think he was more below the belt than me... but yes, I started it.

@PlasticineMeg

Hmm TBH I think when people make unkind comments and then go “ugh God was just a joke!”, that’s v annoying. And each to their own but I cannot stand ungracious winners, it ruins the game, even in jest. If you dish it out you need to be able to take it.

This. I can't stand ungracious winners who 'tease' and 'taunt' the people they win against, all in the name of a 'joke' It isn't joke if it upsets the person you are saying it to. His reply was unacceptable as well though.

You also made it worse bringing up the 'sacrifices' you have made for his career. A better reply when he made the salary comment would have been to acknowledge that your comment had been unkind and you were sorry for hurting his feelings but but to also point out that his retort had hurt your feelings too

That you were a bad winner, not if.

If you’re genuinely sorry and want to apologise then don’t do a shit sorry if you were upset one. And don’t make it contingent on him apologising or you don’t mean it.

How do you usually resolve conflicts between you?

Sounds like you can dish it out, but you can’t take it.

Sounds like you damaged his fragile male ego he should be able to take what was obviously a gentle ribbing without being a wanker.

he probably wouldn’t be earning as much if he had to do 50% of the childcare, and drop hours to accommodate this. It would make me think if he is actually quite resentful towards you earning less without actually realising and being grateful for the sacrifices you have made.

That's precisely how I feel too @sparklinglime.

I gently ribbed him over a card game. And he deadpan came back with that.

Anyway, I accept I started it.

@indiesearcher

Honestly was my comment so mean it deserved his in response?? We were hardly playing seriously and it's a bit of a running joke that I get lucky with cards....

It was a bit taunting and repetitive.

What he said was unkind, but he was just reacting to your smug comments. Moral, if you cant take it don’t dish it out.

You have contributed to ruining what should have been a nice Easter break, you both need to apologise.

*It would make me think if he is actually quite resentful towards you earning less without actually realising and being grateful for the sacrifices you have made.

In the same way that he’s gone to bed wondering if she’s actually quite resentful of taking time out for the kids they chose to have and move for his job which he thought they’d agreed on, while he carried more of the financial burden.

She’s not automatically wronged because she’s female.

Ah I 💯 agree @bumblingbovine49 but this is how we usually play the card games, with a bit of gentle teasing. We both do it and it's normally part of our fun. On our last trip away we made up our own uno rules and I had to do some awfully silly/cold forfeits for our mutual amusement.

Joking about winning all the card games is hardly the same thing as making a nasty comment about salaries. I don’t care whether or not I win a card game, for example; but just show me someone whose self-esteem and sense of purpose isn’t linked to their job and earnings somehow! Pretty much everyone’s is, and we all know that!

Games are games - there are also conventions of treating them lightly and not being a sore loser, and anyway, one’s entire life is not structured around being good or not at Uno, like it is about the job you have and the salary you earn.

Making a comment about salary levels is not being just a poor loser but genuinely nasty - it goes from a trivial joke to something really pointed that doesn’t sound much like a joke.

Those saying OP was also rude are totally missing the difference between a genuine joke about something trivial, and a hurtful and pointed comment that suggests that he genuinely looks down on his wife for earning less.

A grown man (or woman) should not have an ego so fragile that he’s sulking over a joke about a card game and making genuinely cutting and hurtful comparisons in return. OP your husband was being shitty. Mine would do that kind of thing too - he’s also a sulky manchild with an over sensitive ego about trivial things so I feel your pain.

Similar with my card games for magic the gathering, 99℅ loss rate, but I enjoy the game and deck building etc, when their is banter I just let it go, rather than cause a disagreement, as I value the other players in the group, and sometimes it's a lot easier to just not let myself get offended.

Why would you have even said that in the first place, it was unnecessarily unkind. He'd been a good sport to keep playing when getting thumped.

But his retort was still uncalled for.

Taking games into serious things. Not on.
Your response was reasonable, but not at that point in time. As the sober one you should have called a halt to where that was heading, not escalated it.

You need to deal with his drinking/your problem with him drinking.

How he can help you get your career back on track.

Ok ok.

How about this?

Sorry DH I was goady and I did start it. You are still a bigger twat for what you said.

Too goady?

Look OP, you have a sore point in your jokes, so does he. It doesn’t sound like either of you had your finest hour TBH. But at the same time I don’t think it warrants anything other than BOTH of you saying “sorry about last night, how silly of us, let’s move on” and say no more about it

@SparklingLime

So he got his ego bruised over a game and his reaction was to lash out at you over a really important and by definition sensitive issue. That is very telling.

This sums it up

OP

@indiesearcher

Ok ok.

How about this?

Sorry DH I was goady and I did start it. You are still a bigger twat for what you said.

Too goady?

Um, yes, that is the most back handed passive aggressive apology you could make 😂 it does kinda sound like it’s important to you to win?

You taunted him, then he upped the ante. You sulked and snarked. Then he sulked and snarked. It's what happens.
I mean, is it even worth bringing up tomorrow?

PS - my career is well back on track, he's just a high earner. That's probably why it hurt me more, I work bloody hard. It's not like I don't contribute financially.