To think husband is a twat for this comment?

[indiesearcher]

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

Grow up the pair of you!

Some people are very competitive in games. My normally very laid back and sweet boyfriend gets visibly upset if he is losing. He competes with himself too, doing streaks etc.

I think you were both as bad as each other.

Agree with @DarkDarkNight.

He has a fragile ego.
He exercised the nuclear option in response to ribbing that is apparently not unusual between you, for some reason.
He needs to figure out why he decided to take the exchange into the territory he took it.
Maybe he resents you enjoying the life of Reilly at home with the kids all day while he busts his gut at the coalface?
If so, maybe he needs to spend more time actively parenting the children and keeping the home ticking over.

If you really think it has never occurred to him that men are paid higher salaries and get further in their careers than women because of innate superiority and it has never dawned on him that time off to have babies and parent young children could hurt a career, then he's possibly not quite as superior between the ears as he believes he is.

I would sit him down and ask him what he thinks is the cause of the pay gap. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but he needs to have his eyes opened if he is truly convinced that he lives in a meritocracy.

Should be
If you really think he believes ...

He crossed a line. I’m genuinely baffled by people responding saying you should apologise - please don’t. Even with provocation I’d never respond to a conversation about cards with my DH by comparing my salary to theirs. I agree with others about it potentially showing that he doesn’t really view you as a team or recognise the sacrifices you’ve made for your family.

@starlingdarling

How it would have gone with my DH

Me: you can't beat me at anything
DH: I beat you at salary. I earn 3 times what you do.
Me: Touché

And then we would have continued our game. If anything it sounds like it hit more of a nerve for you.

Exactly how it would have gone down here too! I have no idea how it could have escalated like it did!

@PlasticineMeg

Hmm TBH I think when people make unkind comments and then go “ugh God was just a joke!”, that’s v annoying. And each to their own but I cannot stand ungracious winners, it ruins the game, even in jest. If you dish it out you need to be able to take it.

Yep. You were being annoying. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.

I don't really understand why your comment was a joke. But he was serious and made you feel bad?

Why do you attach so much worth to what you earn?

Why is that the 'nuclear option'? If people weren't so invested in their earnings, giving them self worth both comments would be the same.

You said you wouldn't ever earn what he does, so the comment would have applied if you jad never had kids or moved countries.

I don't get why your wage packet is off limits, when it comes to taking the piss out of eachother.

@indiesearcher

Just to be clear, we weren't arguing when I said the stuff about moving away and kids etc. We kind of ended the cards and got into a conversation about salaries.

Then when he started saying 'so you wish we hadn't moved abroad etc etc' I said no, obviously not as it was good for us, but asked him to just acknowledge that he'd made a shitty comment.

Then he started sulking.

But, through gritted teeth I accept I've been unreasonable by starting it and bring goady.

I shall apologise with a coffee in bed and an extra firm massage of his delicate ego in the morning.

wtaf? What the F* is wrong with MN today???

Don't you even consider apologising!
Your reply back to him was on target.
He was a sulky sore loser. FTS
You were correct in your assesment
regarding stunted salary potential.
He's the one who brought the subject up.

You weren't goady, you were just being
silly and fun in the moment.
He's the one who got all butt-hurt and goady.
He should be apologising to you with coffee
and a massage.
And dinner, too.

The majority of the respones on this thread
are baffling.

wtf has suddenly happened to MN?

I'm with you OP and I'm really surprised by some of the comments here. I also quit my job to move abroad, briefly, for my husband's much higher paying career, and am now a SAHM. I don't resent it, living abroad was a great experience and we're a team, so I'm happy to do what is best for all of us, but I do feel like there needs to be an acknowledgement of the sacrifices I've made for our family. As pp said - he wouldn't earn so highly if he had to reduce hours, deal with childcare etc. You were clearly joking around, as we often do - you weren't 'goading' him. Some people are just really sore losers with fragile egos and need to get over it... He took it way too far and probably knows it and instead of apologising, has got defensive about it. I would be well and truly pissed off if my DH made a comment like this to me. It's shitty and uncalled for and has a 'know your place little woman' vibe about it, which again, he's probably realised and is embarrassed - some people just don't deal with those feeling very well. I suppose the reason I would find this so upsetting is that I see is very much as a team, working together, and this comment would make me feel like actually he saw me as some kind of skivvy who should be grateful - it's a kind of one upmanship, which I find really unpleasant. I don't think you're being overly sensitive or melodramatic. In the morning, I probably would take him a coffee and try to make friends in a "it all got a bit OTT' last night, didn't it?' kind of way - but I would also gently, and in a calmer, more thought out way, explain why the comment was so hurtful and triggering, and I would definitely expect an apology.

OP YANBU. Can’t believe some the replies on this thread!

You joked with him about something that doesn’t matter one jot and then he turned brutal and tried to destroy your self worth in one killer blow, with something that you’ve facilitated for him! Unbelievable!

@DrPeppersPhD

You know for someone joking about DH having a delicate ego you have a really hard time admitting you might be wrong...

oh puuuhlllleeeezzzeee! If he has such a delicate ego, then he shouldn't be making such goady egotistical statements when @OP was obviously just having some silly fun.

(Although, I gotta admit, I do lurve me some Dr. Pepper! 👍)

Your initial comment was not very nice. His response was defensive. Your further comment was very mean and sounds like you have quite the resentment about it so I'm not surprised he is sulking.

Reading his comment made me laugh, I thought it was funny. If my partner said this to me I think I'd laugh.

It seems like there's something else underlying that's making you both react this way, otherwise that exchange would elicit a little laughter or at most an eye roll and then the game would continue.

Let him sulk! There is no need for women to console a man for sulking after he gets mad about something he said and you responded to.

He could have kept his mouth shut, but he bought it up. Let him sulk. He will be fine

@Movingsoon21

OP YANBU. Can’t believe some the replies on this thread!

You joked with him about something that doesn’t matter one jot and then he turned brutal and tried to destroy your self worth in one killer blow, with something that you’ve facilitated for him! Unbelievable!

This. Fgs don't apologise, he should apologise for sulking.

@PlasticineMeg

Oh it’s one of those threads:

OP: AIBU?
Some posters: Yes
OP: Oooh well haven’t I hit a nerve, it’s not me, I’m definitely in the right.

I mean why even bother asking?

Read back 5 posts op just said she's happy to accept she was U.

I think you made a jokey comment which he may or may not find funny and he made a shitty comment designed to put you in your place. Family is a team you both contribute to the team. For him to imply he is superior in that is bullshit.

But now you know not to tease him at cards.

then he turned brutal and tried to destroy your self worth in one killer blow, with something that you’ve facilitated for him!

Only if your self worth is wrapped up, solely in your pay packet.

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

"only because I didn't invoice you for childcare & domestic labour"

You are both unreasonable. Your initial little playground chant sounds goading and his reaction was over the top and hurtful and is probably quite telling.

Your providing your own drip feed here OP you clearly like to have the last word and the upper hand (no card pun intended) It was banter until you didn’t like his reply so instead of saying that’s a bit below the belt you then took it to another level of competitiveness.

If you really want to overthink it is there anything else he can beat you at, what would have been an acceptable reply to you can’t beat me at anything? What would your reply have been if he had said the comment to you?

You started it and then escalated it, you were driving this and only you know the real reason why.

@starlingdarling

How it would have gone with my DH

Me: you can't beat me at anything
DH: I beat you at salary. I earn 3 times what you do.
Me: Touché

And then we would have continued our game. If anything it sounds like it hit more of a nerve for you.

I agree with this. I think it stung you more than him.

You made a light-hearted 'joke' (if you say so).
He responded with a below the belt comment.
You then hit back with both barrels with comments about him being twice your age, having to sacrifice your career to look after his kids and leaving your job to move half-way around the world for him.

A game of cards at your house sure sounds like fun. He's a sulker and you just have to win, win, win no matter what.