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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband is a twat for this comment?

245 replies

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 22:58

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

OP posts:
MarilynValentine · 18/04/2022 00:46

Oh god don’t apologise, ugh - don’t go all surrendered fucking wife on him.

You were teasing him about a game, he tried to squash you with his Big Man salary shit.

It’s gross to expect you to apologise.

ZenNudist · 18/04/2022 00:51

Ugh, he is an arse. Twatty thing to say and lacking in self awareness when you're facilitating his career to your own detriment. It doesn't sound like a great set up and moving to a more equal footing would be better for you.

Lunar27 · 18/04/2022 00:52

Sounds like typically fragile male ego OP

A silly joke but went pear shaped when he raised the salary thing. Of course he would win that one if you'd given up a career. Not that it matters but winning when he'd fixed the cards isn't winning!

Anyway, hopefully water under the bridge by tomorrow.

HermioneKipper · 18/04/2022 00:52

He was out of order. You were clearly joking around over a GAME!

He took it way too far with a nasty, personal comment.

You’re a bigger person than me, I’d be expecting the cup of tea in bed and apology, not the other way round

starlingdarling · 18/04/2022 01:04

How it would have gone with my DH

Me: you can't beat me at anything
DH: I beat you at salary. I earn 3 times what you do.
Me: Touché

And then we would have continued our game. If anything it sounds like it hit more of a nerve for you.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 18/04/2022 01:17

His comment might have been mean (depending on how you both usually talk about money - it wouldn't bother me or DH vice versa - someone earns more - it's a fact) but you escalated it to include your entire marriage, living arrangements and DCs. Had you both been drinking?
Because it seems odd to me that you winning a few games would lead to any of this.

apricotlane · 18/04/2022 01:22

yabu. I would have laughed and said something back.

hiyerr · 18/04/2022 01:32

Women's biggest fear - rape and violence
Men's biggest fear - rejection and ridicule
(Apparently)

He can't take a dig about losing a card game... so thought he would raise you. Playground really. Sounds just like something my husband would say. What a prick 😆 to be fair, I'm not an earner, but he knew the score when we got together. Always wanted to be a homemaker, not a career girl, but still painful when your lifes worth is reduced by your partner. But y'know his coworkers won't remember him in 20 years but your children will remember time spent with you for the rest of their lives. I let too many of those comments go and laugh it off, but when I think about it afterwards I'd like to have stood my ground... maybe an apology might invite a return apology, give him an opportunity to be kind 🤔

AskingforaBaskin · 18/04/2022 01:32

@starlingdarling

How it would have gone with my DH

Me: you can't beat me at anything
DH: I beat you at salary. I earn 3 times what you do.
Me: Touché

And then we would have continued our game. If anything it sounds like it hit more of a nerve for you.

Same. We would've probably taken it further still...

I don't see how that went a bad.

prawn12 · 18/04/2022 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

greenlynx · 18/04/2022 01:41

I wonder if he took this conversation literally: you gave your example and he gave his. Then he was sulking because he was baffled: in his view you’ve started this, he just answered and then you took it very seriously and the dynamics changed.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 18/04/2022 02:07

At first I thought YANBU then when I thought about what you said to him and read some of the comments I thought maybe you asked for it. But now that I think about it properly it somewhat unsettles me, I wonder if it’s something your Dh came out without thinking much or is it something he thinks he is ‘beating’ you at. Does he think deep down he has one over you because he earns more? That’s what I’d be wondering. Being in competition when playing games makes sense, the aim is to beat the other players and win. It’s strange to compare this to him ‘beating’ you with salary. Since when is it a competition for a husband to earn more than his wife when clearly she’s been allowing him to earn all that money by not earning herself. So yes OP yanbu

Arthien · 18/04/2022 02:46

Surely the difference is that you were joking and he wasn't?? If my husband made a negative comment about my salary, I'd be really hurt. It implies he thinks that your salary matters more than the fact you work hard and also implies that he thinks he's better than you (in life, not just a game) because he earns more.

1forAll74 · 18/04/2022 02:54

Just silly tit for tat stuff, and quite unnecessary adult behaviour..

timeisnotaline · 18/04/2022 03:01

Just to add my two bits Grin
Then when he started saying 'so you wish we hadn't moved abroad etc etc' I said no, obviously not as it was good for us, but asked him to just acknowledge that he'd made a shitty comment.
The answer here is really: I’m not sorry because it was a good move for us and we are a team. If you started making lots of comments about my salary being low compared to yours then I would start to feel less like a team and more on my own in this life, and realistically if I’m solely an individual it wouldn’t have been the best move to follow you overseas and focus our family energy on your career. So I really hope we don’t lose that team in it together feeling, that would be pretty devastating tbh. When you said that the other day it did feel like you’re telling me none of my contributions count and it stung.’

boronia · 18/04/2022 03:04

You were goady, he retorted back rudely and you took it and ran... way too far.
Are you both so competitive with each other all the time?
Marriage isn't about tallying success or achievements.
You both need to grow up.

WrinklyDad · 18/04/2022 03:12

Was his poor ego bruised because he lost a few games against you?

Likewise, what were you bragging about? Because you won a few games of cards? Well done. You say it was jovial but it appear that it didn't come across that way to him.

Children in adults bodies springs to mind here.

kateandme · 18/04/2022 03:33

Exactly this.he got nasty and threw to aim and hurt

lemmein · 18/04/2022 03:43

You're both divs Grin

Incapacitated · 18/04/2022 03:55

His comment was off, definitely.

Your comment in response was very manipulatively hurtful. You really got your own back with wistful allusions to the road not taken. Do you usually play games to punish him? I would hate that.

You're both being really silly.

Suprima · 18/04/2022 04:04

What a feeble, pathetic man.

He’s shown you exactly what he thinks of you there. Couldn’t deal with you beating him at uno so he thought he’d try and put you right in your place.

Anyone who thinks this was just a ‘joke’ is an absolute mug

Tigofigo · 18/04/2022 04:12

@starlingdarling

How it would have gone with my DH

Me: you can't beat me at anything
DH: I beat you at salary. I earn 3 times what you do.
Me: Touché

And then we would have continued our game. If anything it sounds like it hit more of a nerve for you.

This.

At least I like to think it would have gone this way!

However in reality I'm not a great loser tbh and if I'd lost a card game 10 times in a row then my DH jokingly boasted about it in that way I would have probably got annoyed as well.

I wonder how you would have reacted if he'd beaten you 10 times then said similar?

In short: You were a dick. He was a dick. Not worth getting wound up over.

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 18/04/2022 04:22

@prawn12 you need to start your own thread with this

Bellabelloo · 18/04/2022 04:24

Wow! I can't believe there are people here who don't think his comment was sexist, belittling, degrading and showing that he doesn't truly appreciate the compromise you have made.

I would have been FURIOUS!

Lightning020 · 18/04/2022 04:25

Men have very sensitive egos and are often highly competitive.

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