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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband is a twat for this comment?

245 replies

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 22:58

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

OP posts:
OLP2019 · 18/04/2022 07:50

Actually amazed how many people think he was in the right to say this - she was winding him up about winning a card game - presumably all in good humor- and his response was mean and belittling / this would hurt my feelings and also make me question that he didn't realize or appreciate my contribution to the family If all that matters is money

Original poster
indiesearcher · 18/04/2022 07:52

Just to be clear... DH was drinking, I was sober. I don't drink!

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 18/04/2022 07:54

Glad he apologised. What he said was meant to diminish you.

Dumblebum · 18/04/2022 07:55

I also think you were a bit of a twat, he can’t beat you at anything, seriously? And then when he made his comment you proper went for it.

Sure he shouldn’t have said it. But I honestly think you behaved worse. And still are.

GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas · 18/04/2022 07:58

How did you respond to what sounds like a grown-up and kind move from him (eg the tea and apology?).

Inertia · 18/04/2022 07:59

I’m not convinced that your husband set out to be deliberately hurtful, or take revenge for your (pretty childish and annoying!) comments about the card game.

It sounds like your response about sacrificing your career made him wonder whether you had resented this for your entire marriage. The ‘sulking’ / further questions could genuinely be your husband having the wind taken out of his sails with the fear that you harboured a grudge about your career/ moving country choices , and he was trying ascertain your true feelings. If he’d thought you’d always been 100% on the same page he may have felt suddenly insecure.

RoseGoldEagle · 18/04/2022 08:06

I get why he said it in the moment- someone says, even jokingly, ‘you can’t beat me at anything’ and you naturally think of something you can come back to them with, and that’s the first thing that came into his head. I think if you’d said ‘ouch. Ok!’ And he’d said ‘shit sorry that wasn’t fair’ it would have been ok, but you then starting defensively about looking after the kids etc, probably irritated him- you’re the one joking around but when he joins in, even misguidedly, he gets told off. So yeah it was a low comment really but I can see why he said it in the moment.

imisscashmere · 18/04/2022 08:09

I find this kind of thread SO WEIRD.

Strangers on the internet can’t possibly know. The answer completely depends on unknowable factors, eg the history between the couple, the tones each used while arguing, etc etc.

unhappyhen · 18/04/2022 08:11

YANBU he made a shitty comment and he does sound immature. Can't bare his OH beating him, bad loser.

Countdownis35 · 18/04/2022 08:14

@imisscashmere

I find this kind of thread SO WEIRD.

Strangers on the internet can’t possibly know. The answer completely depends on unknowable factors, eg the history between the couple, the tones each used while arguing, etc etc.

That's the case for all threads though. We don't know the full picture... OPS thread is no different from the others on MN
Sushi7 · 18/04/2022 08:14

You should’ve stopped at “you almost double my age.” You tagged on the details of moving abroad, having dc etc so of course he’d retort to that. If you can’t take it then don’t give it. You sound very sensitive.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 18/04/2022 08:14

You’re both dicks

My husband beats me at everything and if he taunted me I’d be mad

gannett · 18/04/2022 08:16

Glad he apologised. You were annoying, then he crossed the line, then you crossed it more, so there's no moral high ground anywhere here.

Can definitely say this would never happen to us as DP would never get the chance to beat me 10 times in a row at anything because I'd have stropped off in a sulk after the 4th time max. However when we banter with each other and one of us hits a nerve, it's not a big deal to just say "ouch, that hurt", to let them know and to pull back. But then we know that we'd never intentionally hurt each other. This escalation does make me think that OP and her husband both have some deep-rooted resentment they're not acknowledging properly.

Trudij123 · 18/04/2022 08:21

I hope you apologised for your part in it as well… responding with “yeah maybe - but it’s not Hungry Hippos is it?” Would have been a suitable retort, not the barrage you gave him back, if anything it sounds more like you harbour some kind of grudge for it, not him - his was ( as suggested above) the first thing that popped into his head that was something he’s got to “beat” you at.

Anyway - as long as you’re happy

C152 · 18/04/2022 08:22

It sounds like you were a poor winner and he was a very poor loser and much more put out about it than you thought, which is why he said something I suspect he knew was really hurtful, mean and spiteful. His response was totally disproportionate and nothing to do with the games, so I don't think YABU to expect him to apologise for it.

Original poster
indiesearcher · 18/04/2022 08:27

I did... and agreed it was a silly argument.

But it wasn't a barrage I gave him, not at all. As I've said up thread it didn't really go like that. His comment kind of shut the cards down, then I responded about the age thing because I thought the salary comment was really low (and IMO Ave is linked to salary so I was sort of making that point too). But yes in hindsight that was nasty of me back.

I didn't the lob the kids/moving thing on top, they came out in a subsequent conversation about why I earned less. Then he started sulking.

Anyway, fully accept my part in this and hope to put it behind us. I've no insecurities about my decent salary and pension, but hopefully he's realised it's a raw nerve to pick at it.

Likewise I shall not tease him at cards again.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 18/04/2022 08:33

I would be upset. You see it that you are supporting his salary and so its family money. He sees it that it's his money.

I would be looking at ways to earn more money so he could never say that again.

Northernparent68 · 18/04/2022 08:36

Op, you must be deeply insecure. You can’t win a game of cards without bragging, and you are still going on about this after 8 pages of posts.

Underfrighter · 18/04/2022 08:40

Late to this thread but actually I think he was a twat with that comment. You were teasing him and were obviously making a joke statement (I can beat you at anything is clearly not true). I dont think that's being 'goady' unless he is super sensitive or you were doing it constantly which can get wearing. It's just a bit of light pisstaking.

But he responded with something a. Serious b. True c. Sensitive and d. Complex because it's also true that a lot of high earners only get there because they have a stay at home partner facilitating it. So I understand the hurt of him claiming it as his own achievement rather than a joint one

Original poster
indiesearcher · 18/04/2022 08:43

I'm responding @Northernparent68 because that's the point of creating a thread! And to make the circumstances clear. Because you gotta be clear on AIBU.

Anyway. It's over now, we are friends again. Thanks to everyone for the comments, has genuinely been really helpful.

OP posts:
Cuck00soup · 18/04/2022 08:43

@indiesearcher

Ok ok thank you everyone. Seems I was a bit goady and I will say as much in the morning.

I personally think he was more below the belt than me... but yes, I started it.

There you go again. I was bad, but he was badder.

You are really not getting this.

Subbaxeo · 18/04/2022 08:43

Maybe don’t tell him he’s shit at games then. You might have thought it was a joke, but if my dh said that I wouldn’t feel like playing nice.

Butchyrestingface · 18/04/2022 08:46

So I got the cuppa in bed and the apology.

He came in, said "I'm sorry about last night, silly argument".

Did you apologise too?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/04/2022 08:49

Yabu

(For your tally up later)

So you didn’t even apologise? He apologised to you?

He was the bigger person even after it was you who had kicked off a fight.

Colliewobbles123 · 18/04/2022 08:50

You were being smug

He was being smug

You and him = smug. Bad as each other like two kids squabbling. Grin

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