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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband is a twat for this comment?

245 replies

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 22:58

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

OP posts:
mustlovegin · 18/04/2022 06:47

And to say you can’t beat me at anything is asking for trouble

This

RowanAlong · 18/04/2022 06:47

Nah, you were both sparring, and you’ve got a point. You weren’t wrong to have pointed it out. He’ll hopefully see that once he’s sober again.

Patchbatch · 18/04/2022 06:49

Joking about a game and about salary aren't equal, he said it as he knew it would sting and its evidently something he ponders now and then. Either way if he's normally alright and treats you with respect regarding money I'd let it go. If it ties in with a pattern of behaviour would be less inclined to, yes it was a low blow.

Kezzie200 · 18/04/2022 06:53

He probably didn't like your "losing" comment, which was no doubt in jesr but didn't land like that with him, so he retaliated.

You are being oversensitive.

Kezzie200 · 18/04/2022 06:59

Some people hate losing! A personality trait.

My husband often messes about too far but his family are like that. He's not as childish as he was and, thankfully, our children aren't like it at all.

When we were younger I ended up being soaked with water, absolutely soaked, following a joke with a hosepipe.

Penguinevere · 18/04/2022 07:04

Neither of you should dish it out because neither of you can take it!

But I actually kind of agree with you op he made it personal.

DrSbaitso · 18/04/2022 07:04

What did you want him to say?

GoFishandChips · 18/04/2022 07:04

You're a bad winner OP and were rather childish and he sank to the same level, guessing your both rather competitive.

Nosetickle · 18/04/2022 07:07

I’m so with you OP that was a really insensitive thing for him to say when the reason his salary is higher than yours is because of the sacrifice of your own career you’ve made in order for him to progress his. I would have been equally upset and even more so at his reaction and the fact that he doesn’t appreciate your contribution to his career progression.

VeganGod · 18/04/2022 07:08

You were joking about a game that really doesn’t matter. He brought a real life thing into it that does matter. They’re not the same. I like people that can take a joke without getting shitty.

We take the piss of each other a lot about the stuff that doesn’t matter, like if the other takes more attempts to get Wordle that day. All light hearted. We don’t bring the heavier real life stuff into it as we don’t actually feel the need to be better than each other, we both know it’s a joke. Your husband sounds like he can’t take a joke, my dad and brother are like that, very good at giving it out but the slightest joke at their expense and they say something really cutting and personal. Really unpleasant. I wouldn’t be apologising.

MoiraQueen · 18/04/2022 07:09

Also really shocked at some of the replies here. A bit of teasing rivalry over a card game does not equal that kind of response. It's not OK that he seems to have been harbouring this grudge about salary difference and implying you are not pulling your weight, when you obviously do. I'd be cross too in your place. Please don't grovel this morning, you've made a valid point to him, which hopefully he will have taken on board. I'd give up with the card game if he's one of those sulky losers.

BurglerBill · 18/04/2022 07:09

@Philisophigal

I think his was quite a sharply witted comeback. You were wrong, he can beat you at something! You should have just laughed, said yep and moved on. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.
What's 'sharply witted' about bragging about your salary? That's just crass, and a surefire way to make your wife feel undervalued, unappreciated and 'put her in her place '. Some of the comments on this thread are shocking. He took a joke about something that doesn't matter (a card game) into something that actually does - maybe you have to have actually given up your career and been a SAHM to understand the implications of a comment like this and how insensitive it is?
Furrydogmum · 18/04/2022 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 18/04/2022 07:23

I think it all got a bit silly.

My husband brings home double than me and it’s always a long running joke in our house. I reduced my hours after having the children so we always laugh about him being the breadwinner and how I’m a lady of leisure. It’s all in total good humour.

We play board games a lot and he wins about 90% of the time and it’s a non-issue. He winds me up about it as he knows I hate losing but we just laugh about it.

If this is the kind of topic that leads to sulking and arguments then I think you need to address any underlying issues but in a calm manner, not by being hurtful towards each other.

ToyahBattersby · 18/04/2022 07:26

You kind of started it by your comment so not sure what you expected…

Countdownis35 · 18/04/2022 07:30

@MoiraQueen

Also really shocked at some of the replies here. A bit of teasing rivalry over a card game does not equal that kind of response. It's not OK that he seems to have been harbouring this grudge about salary difference and implying you are not pulling your weight, when you obviously do. I'd be cross too in your place. Please don't grovel this morning, you've made a valid point to him, which hopefully he will have taken on board. I'd give up with the card game if he's one of those sulky losers.
OP. Started it and this has been addressed by herself. It's not a big issue like some are making it.

Perhaps her DH is a witty character and it just rolled off his tongue in his defence. It was a bit low yes... but OP egged him on in the first place. Like others have said... what would you say if someone said to you they can beat you at everything? To me it's gone wrong from that point their. I would expect a harsh comment back! That's what OP got.

No need to drag the fall out for days... I think they BOTH won't say things like that again in a hurry.

RedHelenB · 18/04/2022 07:34

@indiesearcher

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

I think you are. And would you really have earned more than him if you hadn't had kids, it seems to be a popular MN argument, but not reality. I don't see how it's worth the row, you seem as petty as he does.
Sarkymarky · 18/04/2022 07:35

So you are pleased with the comments that agree with you and have a problem with those that disagree. You come across as you must always be right. You are joking but he is a twat??? You went looking for trouble when he mentioned the salary, maybe he was joking honestly OP you sound like hard work

Dentistlakes · 18/04/2022 07:35

You started it. He responded with another shitty comment. You sound as bad as each other.

OLP2019 · 18/04/2022 07:37

Actually @indiesearcher I kind of get where you're coming from
Sounds like our life situation is somewhat similar and a couple of times over many years my DH has said something similar - and it leaves me wondering was that just a retort or is that how you REALLY feel / see us / see the relationship

Littlebylittlelittle · 18/04/2022 07:43

I would find it upsetting and I don’t think your being over sensitive
To joke that you are better at a card game is one thing but to actually make fun of the fact someone had less career advancement DUE to the sacrifices that they made for your family and that benefit HIM and his salary directly not only is insensitive but reeks of mysogyny . Do you get the feeling he respects and appreciates the sacrifices you have made career wise for raising the children you share? Does he show that in other ways ?

Partyatnumber10 · 18/04/2022 07:43

Ugh op you said this "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"
Because you won at a card game? Sorry but you come across as a prat and a horrible winner and dismissing it because you said it "jovially" doesn't make it any less idiotic.
So he responded with the salary thing which was also dickish then you escalated it.
To be honest you sound like a pair of squabbling children and now you're trying desperately to get Mumsnet to take your side?
Maybe next time you win at something, work on a slightly more gracious response and avoid turning family games night into a massive row?

Original poster
indiesearcher · 18/04/2022 07:48

Morning all.

So I got the cuppa in bed and the apology.

He came in, said "I'm sorry about last night, silly argument".

I shall leave it there for now but I like a pp's suggestion that we don't play cards again anytime soon.

A gentle ribbing (from either side) is normally tolerated with lots of good humour. I don't think the fact he'd been drinking helped.

Thanks everyone, such a range of responses. I should have turned the voting on.

Maybe I'll just tally up the responses later....😉

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 18/04/2022 07:49

You started it, he finished it. A childish spat between two touchy people.

Phineyj · 18/04/2022 07:50

time's response up thread is the most mature.

You should talk about this when you're both calm and sober, not because a silly argument matters but because he inadvertently revealed what he really thinks and that has implications.

In my experience these high earner men with kids, whatever their own views, are surrounded by other men who do measure their self-worth in terms of salary and achievements and don't consider whose hard work made the family possible.

I am seeing this play out with a friend right now. Her professional achievements are amazing to me -- but she's not earning big bucks as her DH treats her as the default parent and always has.

It's worth discussing with him calmly to inform your future planning and also on behalf of your children (what if one of them wants to do something socially useful but not high paid?)

And don't play cards again! I don't play badminton or table tennis with DH as it brings out the worst in him...