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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband is a twat for this comment?

245 replies

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 22:58

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 17/04/2022 23:30

You rubbed his face in your continual winning (which would have irritated the shit out of me) and then he bit back with a comment which was unnecessary- I don't feel either of you come out as the aggrieved party- you wound him up and he made an undeserved comment- you could both do with apologising.

LoveSpringDaffs · 17/04/2022 23:30

@indiesearcher

Ok ok.

How about this?

Sorry DH I was goady and I did start it. You are still a bigger twat for what you said.

Too goady?

How about 'sorry DH, I did start it, I was joking, but it wasn't funny or nice.

I shouldn't have said what I did, the way I did, but I am resentful that we have focussed on your career & now I'd like us to focus on mine. I'd also like some appreciation/respect for bringing up our children & prioritising your career- not to have it thrown in my face!

PlasticineMeg · 17/04/2022 23:31

@SparklingLime

So he got his ego bruised over a game and his reaction was to lash out at you over a really important and by definition sensitive issue. That is very telling.
Isn’t it down to the other person to decide what’s sensitive and a sore point to them and what’s not?

If the tables were turned and the OP posted saying he’d stropped after she pointed out she earns more, people would be saying LTB and make sure you don’t have a joint account with him 😂

NuffSaidSam · 17/04/2022 23:31

@indiesearcher

Ok ok.

How about this?

Sorry DH I was goady and I did start it. You are still a bigger twat for what you said.

Too goady?

I'd go for:

'I don't know if you were joking when you made the comment about me earning less than you, but it really hurt me/made me angry/upset me because .....'

Notimeforaname · 17/04/2022 23:34

No , you cant make joke and fun at someone and then decide their joke back was too hurtful. Hmm

A joke's a joke. Same for gloating. If you cant take one dont dish them out. Same rules for all in a fair game.

WonderfulYou · 17/04/2022 23:35

Your initial comment was jokey and he took the next comment way too far and was below the belt.

However your next comment, especially about the children was very rude and unnecessary.

You both said hurtful things and what’s worse is it sounds like they’re all true and so it hits differently.

In this situation you were both as bad as each other.
I would apologise for the children comment and explain you said it as he was rude about your salary and then he should apologise back about what he said.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/04/2022 23:36

I gently ribbed him over a card game

"you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

You describe it as jovial. It sounds utterly arsey to me.

His comment was possibly in poor taste but I think you were being really irritating to start with.

I think you're both at fault, with you starting it.

It's a real pity it's ended up like this tho, that you couldn't have sorted it before bed.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/04/2022 23:36

@indiesearcher

Ok ok.

How about this?

Sorry DH I was goady and I did start it. You are still a bigger twat for what you said.

Too goady?

Just a bit, yeah!
Angie1403 · 17/04/2022 23:37

Yeah he’s a twat. Couldn’t beat you at any games, couldn’t beat you at banter so he immediately goes to the lowest place he can. That’s why he’s a twat. It was a dick move

CinnamonJellyBeans · 17/04/2022 23:37

You were both unkind, but sometimes these situations blow up out of nowhere.

If you're going to apologise, do it properly with graciousness and he will hopefully respond in kind. Put it behind you. Then enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Original poster
indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 23:37

Ok, I stand defeated (which I don't like, clearly!) 🤣

I think there are a few people here who get my side of the AIBU but I'm hearing a resounding "don't dish out what you can't take".

So I will apologise properly like a grown up and explain that his comment hurt me too.

Can I say that I think his comments took things too far given we were PLAYING A GAME!!!!

Still too goady???

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 17/04/2022 23:38

Sorry, I've missed something. You're being goady by repeating a long running joke? You've...bruised his ego by having the temerity to beat him at Rummy?

Can't stand a sore loser myself, I may be biased after the "What the actual fuck" scenes of Battleship 2021 and the "you're losing your shit about Uno with two under tens?" Of 2022 but I feel in my water there may be more to this story.

surreygirl1987 · 17/04/2022 23:40

You were both being unreasonable. His comment was worse than yours, but yours were unnecessary and started this off in the worst place.

PegasusReturns · 17/04/2022 23:40

His response was shitty and uncalled for in response to gentle teasing about winning card games.

Had your opening gambit being to refer to him as old then the retaliation whilst shitty might being explained.

Your DH can neither take a joke or behave like a decent human being

Original poster
indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 23:40

@WonderfulYou - sorry if I'm being dim here but why is it 'really rude' of me to have made DH aware that taking three years out of my career to raise our kids would have had an impact on my earning potential?

OP posts:
LetitiaLeghorn · 17/04/2022 23:41

Why do you want to bring it all up again tomorrow? And then keep it going by repeating that you're unhappy with what he said. Because then he'll just retaliate and you're back in the same argument. What's the point?

ZerotwoZero · 17/04/2022 23:41

So you decided to take the piss out of him when you won10 games, then he became annoyed and had a go back at you that led to an argument, all in the privacy of your own home. that you acknowledged you actually started.

Now you come onto a public forums and shame him calling him a twat and try to re-enforce the fact you are right and he is wrong and you are calling him a twat?

What would you do if you discovered he went on a public forums afterwards and called you a twat? Hmm

Hugsssssss · 17/04/2022 23:42

@indiesearcher

Ok, I stand defeated (which I don't like, clearly!) 🤣

I think there are a few people here who get my side of the AIBU but I'm hearing a resounding "don't dish out what you can't take".

So I will apologise properly like a grown up and explain that his comment hurt me too.

Can I say that I think his comments took things too far given we were PLAYING A GAME!!!!

Still too goady???

Haha I really like you!

Personally I don’t think you were BU. His comment was really below the belt. What a thing for him to bring up ans I’d be upset as it actually shows a lack of respect for the sacrifices you made for the family.

I think though your wise crack probably wasn’t so wise! For you it was gentle ribbing that normally happens … but you also normally win ;) He shoudl have let you know your comment was hurtful instead of responding in kind. Would be good to apologise and hopefully he’ll do the same.

Loving your responses though :)

MarilynValentine · 17/04/2022 23:42

Bollocks.

He is 100% in the wrong here.

needmorethanthis · 17/04/2022 23:43

Sorry but you started it. Saying “you can’t beat me at anything” is goady. You got fish slapped back. You were being a goady jerk. Then you took it too far again. This rarely happens but I’m on his side here. You’re wrong. Make him a cup of coffee in the morning and apologise. Say “sorry I was a goady jerk last night. Friends?” Leave it

Countdownis35 · 17/04/2022 23:43

@Theunamedcat

You joked with him and it bruised his ego
This is all it was. When people get on that tip.. someone's bound to go lower than the other
MarilynValentine · 17/04/2022 23:43

Plus, well done on your searingly truthful and appropriate comeback.

He sounds like a dickhead.

NuffSaidSam · 17/04/2022 23:43

@indiesearcher

Ok, I stand defeated (which I don't like, clearly!) 🤣

I think there are a few people here who get my side of the AIBU but I'm hearing a resounding "don't dish out what you can't take".

So I will apologise properly like a grown up and explain that his comment hurt me too.

Can I say that I think his comments took things too far given we were PLAYING A GAME!!!!

Still too goady???

Too blamey!

You have to be the winner of 'who was less of a twat' as well as all the card games?

Maybe that's why it hit a nerve with him?

Tell him what you thought about his comment, but not in the context of 'and therefore you're a bigger twat than me'.

You own what you did.
He owns what he did.
The end.

I don't think it needs to be a twat off.

surreygirl1987 · 17/04/2022 23:43

sorry if I'm being dim here but why is it 'really rude' of me to have made DH aware that taking three years out of my career to raise our kids would have had an impact on my earning potential?

This was when you 'made him aware' of this? So it's not something you've discussed before??

WonderfulYou · 17/04/2022 23:44

sorry if I'm being dim here but why is it 'really rude' of me to have made DH aware that taking three years out of my career to raise our kids would have had an impact on my earning potential?

Because you sound resentful of the life you’ve had with him and having children with him.

You chose to have children and you can’t then throw it back in his face like it’s all his fault.