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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think husband is a twat for this comment?

245 replies

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 22:58

DH and I are away for the Easter break with kids. Put them to bed, we're playing a few games of cards to pass the evening. All is fine.

I have beaten him at cards for the tenth time in a row and JOKINGLY (very jovially) said "you can't beat me at rummy, you can't beat me at Uno, you can't beat me at anything!"

To which he replied:

"I can beat you at salary. I double your salary"

I didn't know what to say really. So I sort of let it wash over me, jokingly retorted that he can almost double my age, and then wistfully said, "yes I do wonder where I might be now salary wise if I hadn't taken years out to raise our children, and then move half way around the world having quit my job so we could exploit your earning potential".

Then he basically started sulking and turned the whole thing on me. Various claims of "so you'd rather I hadn't dragged you abroad, so you'd rather we hadn't had the children etc etc". Which is all bullshit obviously - I've been very happy with our life, but it was a shitty comment he made and but else was I supposed to have said? I said I cannot have this conversation with you and he then walked out the room.

AIBU to have asked him to acknowledge it was a shitty comment and not budge until he apologises? He has gone off to sleep in another room.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 17/04/2022 23:45

I think you took it a bit far and upset him, even you said he couldn't near you at anything. Nobody likes losing and you rubbed his face in it,even jokingly.

Original poster

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 23:46

Because @ZerotwoZero it's been genuinely helpful for me to see his side.

I clearly didn't see beforehand that what I thought was a joke would have warranted his response, but lots of people here think I was a dick for starting it.

And yes now I'm having a bit of fun with my proposed apology because OF COURSE I still think he was more unreasonable than me.

This is AIBU after all....

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 17/04/2022 23:47

@wonderfulyou yes, I was thinking the same thing. Although there IS a massive gender issue regarding pay, this doesn't seem like a mature discussion where she 'made him aware' of the issues - it sounds like a petty throwing in his face sort of thing. It sounds like they were both being petty. She started it, and each of them escalated it further.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2022 23:47

You started this with your obnoxious "I'm always the winner" bullshit. If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

Genevieva · 17/04/2022 23:48

You banned to decide whether you want to win the argument or win the relationship. You started it. He continued it. Each trod on the other’s raw nerve. Between you, you turned an idyllic evening into a domestic argument. How about a hug and a laugh about it all?

Trudij123 · 17/04/2022 23:48

@LetitiaLeghorn

Why do you want to bring it all up again tomorrow? And then keep it going by repeating that you're unhappy with what he said. Because then he'll just retaliate and you're back in the same argument. What's the point?

This. I honestly think you made this way bigger than it needed to be at the time - and you’re trying to carry it on longer. Just say sorry for being a dick and get on with your break for goodness sake.

Genevieva · 17/04/2022 23:48

*need not banned

surreygirl1987 · 17/04/2022 23:49

Yes - is winning this argument (in which you are both wrong) more important to you than your relationship?

Original poster

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 23:49

@surreygirl1987

sorry if I'm being dim here but why is it 'really rude' of me to have made DH aware that taking three years out of my career to raise our kids would have had an impact on my earning potential?

This was when you 'made him aware' of this? So it's not something you've discussed before??

Genuinely didn't think it needed explaining!

OP posts:

saraclara · 17/04/2022 23:52

Yeah, I'm glad you've seen the light OP. He absolutely shouldn't have said what he did, but your initial gloating crossed the line between light-hearted and mean with "you can't beat me at anything".
It was just one of those things that suddenly got out of hand and led into dangerous territory. But it was your jibe that went too far and sparked it.

Hopefully a sincere mea culpa will lead to one from him. But I'd try to avoid whipping up another argument with too much of a "but you..." on the end of your apology.

DeliaOwens · 17/04/2022 23:52

OP. Your comment was smug; sounds like a playground taunt. Your husband replied with a clumsy retort, as it seems he wanted you to feel hurt as he did. You shot back again about moving abroad, raising kids, supporting his career, when there was no need for it.

Just say, I'm sorry we argued last night. Can we agree to forget and move on?
An apology with an explanation or a 'but' is not an apology,

SandyY2K · 17/04/2022 23:53

sorry if I'm being dim here but why is it 'really rude' of me to have made DH aware that taking three years out of my career to raise our kids would have had an impact on my earning potential?

Surely he knew you took time out to have kids and doesn't need you to tell him. He knows it affected your earning potential.

The thing is you felt you has to cone back with something to defend yourself to his comment about the salary.

I'd start tomorrow as a new day and leave this alone.

Original poster

indiesearcher · 17/04/2022 23:55

Just to be clear, we weren't arguing when I said the stuff about moving away and kids etc. We kind of ended the cards and got into a conversation about salaries.

Then when he started saying 'so you wish we hadn't moved abroad etc etc' I said no, obviously not as it was good for us, but asked him to just acknowledge that he'd made a shitty comment.

Then he started sulking.

But, through gritted teeth I accept I've been unreasonable by starting it and bring goady.

I shall apologise with a coffee in bed and an extra firm massage of his delicate ego in the morning.

OP posts:

cherish123 · 18/04/2022 00:05

Wouldn't bother me too much.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 18/04/2022 00:06

He earns twice as much as you, and you think HE'S the loser.........

TitaniasAss · 18/04/2022 00:06

Well you could probably both have handled it differently but if someone makes a wanky comment to me (as he did to you) then I would probably make a wanky comment back.

Sometimes we don't always get it right and taking the high ground doesn't always come automatically. It'll blow over I'm sure.

mycatisannoying · 18/04/2022 00:10

Oh come on, it served you right! You need to be able to take it if you give it out.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 18/04/2022 00:12

Funny as if a man said to his female partner 'you can't beat me at a game you can't beat me at anything' the poster would be told he's abusive and to ltb 🙄

VyeBrator · 18/04/2022 00:12

You went low so he went lower, then your resentment came pouring out about how you chose to raise your children 🤷‍♀️

Silly argument, I'd just forget it.

TheMoreYouKnow · 18/04/2022 00:17

He sounds like a poor loser. Agree that was a twatish thing to say. I'd be fuming however what you said was goady but his comment was uncalled for.

LightDrizzle · 18/04/2022 00:24

YANBU!

Pawtriarchal · 18/04/2022 00:30

You’d be getting totally different responses if you’d posted with saying what your DH did. People are just being contrary. You make a joke about an inconsequential, luck based game, he hit back with a real life blow. I wouldn’t apologise.

DrPeppersPhD · 18/04/2022 00:32

You know for someone joking about DH having a delicate ego you have a really hard time admitting you might be wrong...

Pawtriarchal · 18/04/2022 00:33

I shall apologise with a coffee in bed and an extra firm massage of his delicate ego in the morning.

I really wouldn’t. He gets to be a sore loser, make low blows, earn the most while having his career supported and you apologise?

Original poster

indiesearcher · 18/04/2022 00:34

@DrPeppersPhD

You know for someone joking about DH having a delicate ego you have a really hard time admitting you might be wrong...

Well aware 😉

OP posts:

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