To think people don't actually do it safely

[MolliciousIntent]

Everyone bangs on about safe co-sleeping, but do people who co-sleep actually always do it safely? I know several families who sleep with their infants, they all tell you they stick to the Lullaby Trust guidelines, but I've on multiple occasions had evenings with them smoking and drinking and then getting into bed with their babies. Obviously this isn't an indication of everyone, but do people who co-sleep really follow every single one of the guidelines every single night?

It’s clear from the replies that’s lots of people do do it safely. I found it easy to stick to myself especially as I don’t drink or smoke. I have baby on the outer side with a cot next to the bed and my husband is on my other side but I have been known to kick him out for drinking even though he’d have to roll over me to get to the baby.

To me it’s instinctive and feels normal/natural the obsession with putting small babies alone and cold in a basket is bizarre

Yes easily, moved into separate bed as partner drinks, I don't drink anyway, no smoking household, no meds, used pyjamas and socks rather than blankets so there was no risk from suffocating in duvets, decided it was safer to just use no pillows, firm mattress and ebf. If you are going to do it you have to be 100% responsible.

I only co-slept very reluctantly as DD wouldn't settle in a cot. I was fairly resentful of the lack of sleep and I don't think I followed any guidelines. I used my common sense- no duvets or pillows and muddled through.

I had no idea there were rules for co sleeping but happily co slept for 4 years. I did however tell the health visitor that my child slept in her cot to avoid being told how dangerous co sleeping was. In my experience, I was hyper aware of my child when co sleeping, even after a glass of wine. Have only happy memories of it.

I fell asleep accidentally once while breastfeeding my daughter in bed. Once I realised I didn’t move, I started doing it on purpose as it meant I didn’t have to give up nighttime sleep. I didn’t know about the safe seven until I stopped doing it, but I followed the guidelines on instinct anyway. I don’t drink or smoke, blanket only covered me, appropriate clothes etc. I wouldn’t do it now she’s crawling, pulling to stand and not breastfeeding anymore though.

Religiously. Freezing cold in the bed in N Scotland in the winter with a nipple constantly exposed and no duvet. We put the mattress on the floor and removed the base of the bed. Have never smoked and rarely drink, never when babies were young. Kicked DH to spare room as he is overweight and a deep sleeper.

Couple of decades ago now so didn't see guidelines, just put pillows under the fitted sheet so baby couldn't roll under them, duvet at waist height. No drinking and never a smoker. Always sleeping lightly in a half alert mode. Babies BF on demand through the night as I half-dozed. Knackering but worked for us.

Interested to know how does anyone manage the sheet situation with a refluxy baby. In the next to me I put a couple of folded in half muslins stretched across the cot under where baby's head is so I can change them when she is sick on them. When I breastfeed lying down in my bed I put a puppy pad under her then two layers of muslins but I cant tuck them in like I can in the next to me, so if/when I accidentally fall asleep the muslins are loose. Any suggestions for ways around this when bedsharing? I dont like her sleeping in bed with me for this reason but want to be as safe as possible as sometimes falling asleep happens!

We had a snuzpod so baby was in its own space. Don’t smoke and rarely had a glass of wine with breast feeding.

I definitely didn't smoke or drink, and I did try to follow every guide line. Sometimes I was extremely tired, and I did worry about it. I co slept out of necessity rather than choice. There was a little cot in the room next to my bed, but ds would never settle or sleep in it. The only way for me to get any sleep at all was to co sleep.

DS2 was a good sleeper and was great sleeping in his cot.

Never smoked, didn’t drink when dc were babies and followed all the guidelines to a tee. I instinctively did the protective curl. Transformed an ordinary cot into a side sleeper as they were crazy money and gradually transferred into that.

I remember an aching back, being cold, and damp patches in the sheets.

Yes - DH is T-total and easy for me to give up drinking while pregnant /breastfeeding, neither of us smoke and im not overweight. Have a firm mattress anyway for my back. I don't think the rule is no pillow at all, just that it's out of the way of baby(?) So I do have a pillow but pillow high up out the way and my arm is in-between baby and pillow. Duvet over my waist and tucked in-between my legs so not near baby at all. If it's cold I just wear a long sleeved thick top to sleep. Baby on back in own sleeping bag with me in the "C" position. I think the big one is breastfeeding. I read a study that breastfeeding mother/baby dyad instinctively adopt the safe "C" sleeping position when cosleeping so the mother cannot roll onto baby, the baby also syncs up to mothers heartbeat and breathing and the mother breathing on baby's head also stimulates the baby to breathe. Its amazing really. We have evolved to sleep that way and i think that study showed that safe cosleeping is actually the safest way to sleep with baby, the problem is in modern life as youve pointed out a lot of people dont do it safely which then makes it unsafe.

I won't co-sleep, ever. I've never felt safe even when I've tried it once "safely". It's not for me.

My children are in their 40s now and only came in our bed if they would not settle . For the first few months they slept in a Moses basket or cot in our room . Why are parents reluctant to do this now ?

I actually woke up this morning with the opposite thought when I realized I had brought baby into bed with me and fell asleep again.

I just thought does anybody actually know of an incident where a sober non smoking mother has actually hurt her baby through cosleeping. For me it's totally instinctive and I just do everything automatically so that he's safe. Even when I'm half asleep I'm just doing it. I have a next to me crib but for breastfeeding I bring him in and sometimes I just fall asleep. If he rolls he will roll back into his crib and will wake in the process, waking me too. Dh sleeps in another room.

I do understand that medication or alcohol could interfere with those instincts, or sharing the bed with another child or partner who doesn't have them, which is probably what makes it dangerous and therefore there's general recommendations against it in the UK.

I gave birth in a country where cosleeping is promoted. With my second they wouldn't actually give me a crib the first night in hospital and instead put a cloth boob tube thing around my chest and put naked baby under it and insisted we lay like that for the first 24 hours. I hated that because I didn't feel safe at all, so I just didn't sleep.

I find that in general though. If my baby is stirring in the night I wake at the slightest peep. It's like I'm on constant alert to any danger even when I'm supposed to be sleeping. That's probably why I don't feel like I've slept properly in years and have aged at the speed of light.

I couldn't do it, I am a sleep mover. There's no way I would stay in a safe position and would probably kick ds out of the bed.

Yes 100% stuck to all of them, only did it out of necessity when absolutely had to feel much safer with baby in cot. I couldn't breast feed and bottle fed but that one was out of my control.

Why is it of particular interest to you now OP?

Yes, I didn't drink alcohol because I was breastfeeding and we've never smoked. Both mind coslept until they were happy in their own beds, 2 years for dd1, 6 years for dd2 (no I didn't breastfeed that long but risks drop dramatically once they are toddlers anyway plus I wouldn't get drunk with kids to look after!

By the way 22 years ago there was research to suggest that cosleeping could prevent cot death because they tap in somehow to the rhythm of your breathing. Anyway it's not straightforward, I chose my parenting techniques and others choose their way - I wouldn't have dreamt of putting a 6 month old in a different room, seems cruel but others think this is ok

I don't smoke, I wouldn't have wanted to drink while breastfeeding/having to take care of a baby anyway, we have a large bed and put a cot rail along one side. I didn't sleep with covers so had to get warm joggers for sleeping in.

I was very confident it wouldn't be an issue as for years before I met DH I used to fall asleep with my glasses/laptop/phone etc next to me in bed and never rolled over them!

DH did drink though, but didn't sleep next to the baby so we never considered it an issue.

Falling asleep in an almost c position round the baby just felt entirely natural and I have never slept better (though that could have been the exhaustion by the end of the day!).

@HeadNorth

I think it's instinctive too, I too had pillows

I reluctantly co sleep with DD2 from about 3-6am. DH relocates to the sofa. We follow every rule apart from I’m not breastfeeding.

TBH the curled position is so instinctive - I didn’t know it was a thing until I did some research after the first few nights of DD2 refusing to go back in her bed. That’s how I’d been sleeping with her without even realising.

The issue with bed sharing is that health professionals often hammer in the message of don’t do it, so that when it happens accidentally people don’t actually know the guidelines to make it safer. It’s only through Googling that I found out about them; not everyone will be inclined to do that.

I was too concerned about the potential for something going wrong to co-sleep but when DD was unwell a couple of times as a baby I had her on the bed but in one of those sleepyhead things.

My HV told me they weren't recommended by Lullaby Trust but we used it anyway because she slept better in it (and tbh any advice from that woman was generally thrown out right away, egregious individual she was)

@gogohm I also instinctively brought DS2 into bed last night because he was unwell and I wanted him to be close. He liked it too, usually he likes being alone but he nuzzled in and fell asleep cuddling me. I’m not as anxious about Sid’s though.. he’s 7months old and enormous. Bigger than 91% of other boys and 98% of other girls.. you notice him in the bed 😂