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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m too fat to go outside

163 replies

Applecottage1234 · 17/04/2022 16:47

I’m 5ft 9 and a size 20- 18 if I’m lucky.
I’m top heavy due to PCOS. My arms are disgusting- it looks like a have a rubber band around them.
It’s sunny today and my husband insisted we went out for a walk along the sea front. Hundreds of people out looking fab and I felt hideous!!!! I kept my cardigan on and just waiting until the moment I was safe back in the car.

I told my husband how I felt he said ‘well do something about your weight’

I’m now home hid in my room with the blinds closed wishing I was dead.

I don’t know what I want from this but I needed a space to vent

OP posts:
RosiePosieDozy · 17/04/2022 19:12

I know how you feel. I'm a size 16. Today I went out for the day in a vest top and three quarter length trousers. I was self conscious at first but I do think I looked nice tbh. I got quite a few compliments too.

It's easier said than done, I know, but honestly, I wouldn't worry. I'm sure you looked lovely. Love yourself. Sorry to sound preachy but you're beautiful because you're you.

nearly8 · 17/04/2022 19:13

@Applecottage1234

I’ve got PCOS and insulin resistance. It makes feel hunger literally out of control which doesn’t help when I want to emotionally eat. I’ve had depression in the past after loosing my dad and having very bad PND.

I wish my husband had given me more encouragement.
I feel he’s embarrassed of me which makes me feel even worse about myself.
He will deny that he feels embarrassed but I feel like he is.

I hate the summer so much!!!

I think the process needs to start from within - easier said than done I know. You have a husband - he obviously loves you. Try and focus on the good things you have in life. Try and make small goals that are easily achievable to help your weight loss journey. It can literally be 'eat a piece of fruit instead of a biscuit' I know your diet must be more difficult given your health - is there any professionals you could ask about making a diet plan? Also someone else suggested walking now that the weather is nicer. Maybe find a spot a bit more secluded if you're anxious about people looking or judging you (which I can assure you they're not but I know that doesn't help if you feel they are). I agree that your husband could have been more tactile but maybe include him in your aims and goals and ask him if he'd help you out (going for walks with you etc) Most of all don't beat yourself up about it - try to remain positive and find something to smile about each day.

Good Luck!

Phyllis321 · 17/04/2022 19:13

5foot 9 and size 18/20 doesn't even seem especially large, OP. Many people are far larger and out and about daily without a second thought.
Your weight is the least interestinh thing about you.

Clarabe1 · 17/04/2022 19:20

If your weight bothers you then yes you can take action to address it but at no point should you even consider stopping living! Get out and enjoy your life and remember the only person who is bothered about your weight is you! Everyone else has their own concerns and insecurities and will be focused on themselves. Please don’t hide from life, that would be tragic.

lightisnotwhite · 17/04/2022 19:21

Literally in your head. Adele, Dawn French, Oprah and Rebel Wilson to name a few were all famous, photographed constantly and in relationships, as large women. Earning 100 times whatever you earn Op.
Yes their weight was mentioned BUT it wasn’t the reason they are rich and famous.
They have all lost weight but it’s not made them more sellable just a bit healthier.

You and everyone else has one life. That’s it. Do what you want . No one benefits from you staying in. Seeing a fat women won’t damage anyone honestly.

Mooster62 · 17/04/2022 19:21

As a fellow sufferer I know how hard it is to lose weight but being fair to your husband, he married you and is still with you so obviously loves you. You have low self esteem so perhaps this spoils outings and what should be a nice walk turns into a pity party which is probably why he said what he did.

godmum56 · 17/04/2022 19:22

well fuck your husband and fuck the horse he rode in on. The "do something about it" comment may not have been meant to hurt but I can see that it would. I am bigger than you and I do what i want to. I think you need some help to change your mindset.....I don't know what to suggest though.

picklemewalnuts · 17/04/2022 19:23

Two things.

  1. I have been you. I was a similar size, missing out on an amazing holiday/opportunity because I was self conscious. I saw a woman, significantly bigger than me, enjoying herself at the pool and thought 'Sod it. If she can, so can I!' I got myself a swimsuit and had a good time.
  1. Read 'why we eat (too much)'. It's really good on hormone driven eating, and helps you understand how to work with your body not against it. He helps you understand that your body is fighting against you, that it's not your fault, and how to help yourself.
elidelochanthefirst · 17/04/2022 19:26

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I doubt it's that he is embarrassed of you. I just think many people struggle when people want sympathy not solutions. Sometimes I need to tell my DH I'm not looking for solutions, I just want to express how I'm feeling.

I really hope you can improve your self esteem and enjoy the sunshine in any way that feels right for you

Pebble55 · 17/04/2022 19:28

@Mooshering

Go out and have a lovely day. Fuck anyone else's opinions.

At this rate we'll all be nuked in a decade. Enjoy yourself while you're alive and well 🍻

Now there's a good way of looking at it. Who cares about what other people think when we're all fucked anyway
SkyDragon · 17/04/2022 19:33

OP you need to be much kinder to yourself. And to all people who inhabit fat bodies. Being fat doesn't indicate any kind of moral or intellectual failing. Also, fat people can be attractive and successful. For heaven's sake love yourself and the body you live in.

If you want to work towards fitness goals then fine. But value yourself as you are, don't let life pass you by while you perpetuate this ridiculous myth that fat bodies are socially unacceptable.

I'm fatter than you (22). I dress beautifully and flamboyantly, do my hair and makeup, live life to the full, have a successful singing career, frequently get stopped and complimented on my clothes.

Repeat after me: fat bodies are just as deserving of respect as thin ones.

And listen the Go Love Yourself Podcast.

And follow some fat fashion bloggers.

And grab life by the balls, whatever body you live in.

LIZS · 17/04/2022 19:34

Ask your surgery if they have Wellbeing advisors. These are necessarily medically trained but can sign post you to support, sometimes access to a leisure centre or fitness group, advise on diet and be a point of contact to keep you motivated.

Thekormachameleon · 17/04/2022 19:35

You are not a number on a scale. You are a whole person, with hobbies, interests, loved ones, ideas etc

Do not let the scales define you when you are so much more

SmellyOldOwls · 17/04/2022 19:36

@LIZS

Ask your surgery if they have Wellbeing advisors. These are necessarily medically trained but can sign post you to support, sometimes access to a leisure centre or fitness group, advise on diet and be a point of contact to keep you motivated.

See I would ask my GP for help with weight loss but if they're just going to tell me how to go on a diet then what's the point, I've been on a diet since I was 13.

I'd quite like to ring them and ask for weight loss drugs but I know they'll make me jump through hoops first and I've tried and failed at the nhs weight loss plan multiple times so i really can't face trying it again.

fuckoffImcounting · 17/04/2022 19:44

Some time ago I was your size but much shorter. Had always been skinny before so it was a hard call. I went out and got some great clothes and dressed really well for my size. Looked great, felt much better. Confidence is everything.

PrivateHall · 17/04/2022 19:59

@Applecottage1234

I’ve got PCOS and insulin resistance. It makes feel hunger literally out of control which doesn’t help when I want to emotionally eat. I’ve had depression in the past after loosing my dad and having very bad PND.

I wish my husband had given me more encouragement.
I feel he’s embarrassed of me which makes me feel even worse about myself.
He will deny that he feels embarrassed but I feel like he is.

I hate the summer so much!!!

If he was embarrassed by you, why would he have 'insisted' you go out for a walk together on the busy sea front?

I honestly think your DH just wants you to be happy. You sound absolutely miserable, he probably just wants you to try and lose weight since that seems to be making you miserable.

Have you tried your GP for advice, maybe a referral to a dietician given your insulin resistance?

Good luck op Flowers

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 17/04/2022 20:05

Men can often want to just solve a problem when you just want soothing! Are you overweight, yes. Is that something awful, no! You shouldn’t waste the time you have worried about others and what they think, nor should you have to boil! I’m sorry to hear you are feeling low.

Taketherisk · 17/04/2022 20:06

Sod everyone and what they think 1000%
Walk and build yourself up, you will after about 2 weeks get more used to it and slowly build strength and this is only ever going to be good for you. And again sod everyone else, work yourself bit by bit, each small step will have an impact if you do it.

I swear by walking by a bajillion years.

May all your walks give you the strength and confidence you need. Boo yeah

Mouk · 17/04/2022 20:09

Aw OP, please be kind to yourself.

I'm 5,8" and 16 stone. I'm actively losing weight. If I can lose it anyone can. You are not too fat to go outside.

When I read the thread title, I pictured somebody bed bound and immobile.

Honestly, if you put your mind to it, you can lose the weight. Change your eating habits and even a walk per day will help.

Hugs to you.

petshihtzu · 17/04/2022 20:16

Idk if this is any help but I'm slim, 5"5 and 50ish kg and don't give a f about people's bodies!! Ive not got an ED, I just eat really poorly because in lazy, so there's not much difference between me and someone overweight if that makes sense (too much v too little 😁). It makes me so sad and upset that people bully others over simply existing in their body. Go outside! XXX

Cakeandcardio · 17/04/2022 20:26

Firstly, be kind to yourself! You are not defined by numbers on clothes!! You have lots of lovely qualities I'm sure. Please cut yourself some slack! And yes, your husband could have been kinder

mydogisthebest · 17/04/2022 21:09

I am also a size 18/20 and although I do often feel self conscious it doesn't stop me going out and enjoying myself.

To be honest, I usually find that there are a lot of woman bigger than me so that makes me feel less conspicuous

Donut22 · 17/04/2022 21:14

I feel you so much, I hate summer for this reason! I hide away to. But I also know it's only me that can change. I see food has an addiction and I can't break it. Sorry no advice but you are not alone.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 18/04/2022 05:26

More than half the mums at the school gates are a size 18 or bigger; seems to be the norm? They don’t hide it either (or if some do I haven’t noticed!) Shorts, strappy tops, play suits etc.

I’m heavily pregnant (but very slim, thanks HG 🙄) and people stare at me. I guess staring at pregnant women is different as there are less of us than plus size women?

It makes me self conscious but I’m not going to hide away because I look different. They’ll probably stare when I have a baby strapped to my chest too!

Be glad you’re tall, as I’m sure you carry weight much better than you think. Also being tall means bigger bone structure and muscle mass, wider hips and pelvis, longer torso. Extra weight is far less noticeable.

Momijin · 18/04/2022 05:32

Hi op. Follow lizzo on tik tok. She's awesome about body positivity.

The diet industry has caused us all to be dissatisfied with our bodies. I remember even when quite slim I felt I was too fat or that I needed to lose weight. I look at pics now and I definitely wasn't.