To think I’m too fat to go outside

[Applecottage1234]

I’m 5ft 9 and a size 20- 18 if I’m lucky.
I’m top heavy due to PCOS. My arms are disgusting- it looks like a have a rubber band around them.
It’s sunny today and my husband insisted we went out for a walk along the sea front. Hundreds of people out looking fab and I felt hideous!!!! I kept my cardigan on and just waiting until the moment I was safe back in the car.

I told my husband how I felt he said ‘well do something about your weight’

I’m now home hid in my room with the blinds closed wishing I was dead.

I don’t know what I want from this but I needed a space to vent

Do you complain all the time about your weight? If so I can understand your husband's frustration with it but if you don't then his comment is a bit harsh! Either way, get your telly on and do an exercise class in your living room, lots of them on YouTube and don't be so hard on yourself, sadly most of us are too busy worrying about what we look like to notice anyone else

You might find losing weight hard, but how about a mission just to get a little healthier? Join your husband for a walk. The sunshine will make you feel better, and doing a little every day will help you get a bit fitter even if you don’t lose weight.
I think I can speak for most people here when I say very few people judge or think negatively of those we see out and about- and the people who do aren’t worth bothering about because they are tools.

One of the most attractive people I’ve ever seen was a woman in a bright pink bikini, in Cornwall about twenty years ago. She had short platinum hair, looked happy and confident, and was playing in the sea with her family. And she was overweight. But it was a revelation for me, worried about looking fat, in my wall to wall swimsuit. Ever since then I’ve tried my very hardest to be like that woman, no matter how fat I’ve been.

Gynae issues and lockdown have made me pile on weight, but I’m losing it now, slowly but surely. You can too @Applecottage1234, but please stop being so hard on yourself. I thought from your title you were going to be like a 600lb person!

Imagine a friend came to you feeling like this - what would you say? Now say it to yourself, out loud, in your head or write it down - talk to yourself in the third person, using your name. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend or relative that you love.
It sounds like right now your mental health is a bigger priority than losing weight in terms of your overall health, so try to get some help with that - you can self-refer for talking therapy via NHS in most areas, or pay privately for therapy if you can afford.

I think lots of people feel uncomfortable about one thing or another. I have recently started running and am sitting here waiting until about 8 to go out for a run because I feel too self-conscious going when it is busy. I know that I don't pay any heed when I see anyone else going for a run so don't know why I feel the way I do but I do anyway.

I think the best way is to feel the fear and do it anyway as they say, it's early days for me and running but I am hoping with time it feels more normal and then one day I will go out and not even think about it anymore. I think the same applies in your situation, you don't have to change anything about yourself if you don't want to, you are enough just as you are but if you give in to the feeling that you are inadequate or don't belong it will become even more entrenched in your mind. Keep going out, wear headphones and ignore the world if you want to but don't hide away, you deserve more.

@Applecottage1234

I’ve got PCOS and insulin resistance. It makes feel hunger literally out of control which doesn’t help when I want to emotionally eat. I’ve had depression in the past after loosing my dad and having very bad PND.

I wish my husband had given me more encouragement.
I feel he’s embarrassed of me which makes me feel even worse about myself.
He will deny that he feels embarrassed but I feel like he is.

I hate the summer so much!!!

He's not too embarrased to go for a walk with you clearly! Why not resolve to to try to lose weight and improve you lifestyle. I know it's hard but you can do it. If you set little goals which are achievable it's easier than big ones which seen daunting. For example, resolve to lose say two pounds each month rather than, say 2 stone in a year.

Sorry you feel this way OP but it seems you have 2 choices…..
You except the weight you are and stop caring about what others think or you try to lose weight. I know it’s hard with PCOS but it’s not impossible, I find every day a huge struggle with food, I’m constantly hungry and crave sugar but I exercise daily and try not to sit down at all during the day, I try not to buy the food I crave but I have days where I allow myself to eat what I like (just for one day) usually as a reward for being good for a couple weeks. I exercise alone, usually by walking/hiking where not many people go, I get out of breath, I stop a lot some days but it’s worth it to keep my weight down and whilst I’m busy I’m not planning what to eat next. I also find making up my lunch in the morning helps, if I don’t make a healthy packed lunch I tend to grab something easy which is usually carb loaded or cake 😬.

It would have been better for your husband to say ‘ok, I see how unhappy you are being so overweight, let’s do something about it together’. Do you have a friend or colleague who can be your weight loss buddy? It would really help you to have company and encouragement

I feel for you OP, I am similar.

Focus on finding clothes you feel comfortable in for now - lightweight clothes (with sleeves if you don't like your arms). Instagram can be good for ideas.

I actively avoid looking in the mirror if I'm feeling low about myself.

I've been reading up about PCOS, weight loss etc recently - it may be worth looking into healthy-gut eating, that can help insulin resistance.

Don’t waste your valuable life in the house, be out and be proud of yourself , you’re a fully functioning lady and I bet a great mum.
Sorry to hear about your bereavement,it’s hard isn’t it.
The medical side is a bummer too.
A friend and I both recently agreed we were sick of trying to be slimmer, we’ve both accepted were curvy girls and we are just gonna have to learn to buy the bigger sizes (18 to 20) too ,just dress ourselves better instead of dreaming of smaller sizes.
Happiness comes from you , look at yourself ,you’re a good person, be kind to yourself .
Your husband could be best described as blunt and not very flamin supportive.

The rubber band comment has me wondering if you have a condition called lipoedema. 5.9 and size 20 isn’t that big.

I'm a similar size and height and I'm a runner. When I first started I felt very self conscious and worried about what people would think of me. Months later I find I don't give a fuck and I just enjoy the endorphins.

It does sound as though you might be depressed OP - would you consider talking to your GP or someone about that?

I find this quote helpful and I hope you do too.

You are obviously unhappy about your weight , and only you can change it. Join. Slimming club and when you waiver try to remember how you felt today

Oh you poor thing op. I can really sympathise! I have never been heavier and feel very unprepared for summer this year but honestly, you are NOT too fat to go outside! Who is saying that? It's you, in your own head, listening to negative voices, and comparing yourself unfavourably to others.

You may want to exercise a bit and lose weight for your own health, but the most important thing about you is not your appearance but your character.

Also, without wishing to sound preachy, or dismiss how horrible you feel, because PCOS is very debilitating, please celebrate what you have! Seriously, so many people would love to be able to walk by the sea on a sunny day.

This is all about mindset! You need to try and get yourself in to a better place mentally because then you will be in a better position to change if you want to. How about you set aside a little money to buy two or three inexpensive tops and two pairs of trousers and one skirt & buy some inexpensive accessories. And wear them to death while you walk a little every day and make a few healthy substitutions with food. Nothing extreme but eat an apple instead of a biscuit, a glass of water instead of say a glass of wine. Maybe one gentle exercise routine off You Tube every morning?

I hope you are able to get in to the mindset where you feel better about yourself soon and can go out and enjoy the sunshine! Best of luck

It's not even that big. No one would even notice. I don't even notice anyone that size. Because a lot of people are. You need to fix your anxiety.

From what you've said he isn't embarrassed by you or wouldn't want to go for a public walk with you.

He could be subtly encouraging you by asking you to go for a walk.

Well he’s not wrong is he? If you’re unhappy with your weight, your options are either continue to be unhappy or do something about it 🤷🏽‍♀️

The benefits of sunshine are huge. You are not too fat to be out and the sunshine will help your mood for a start.

There is no point people encouraging you to lose weight, you need to be in the frame of mind to do it for yourself and you need to start liking yourself and wanting good things for yourself.

I agree with a PP who said that your options are either continuing to cover up/stay in (not recommended), embracing yourself as you are or deciding you want to get fitter and slimmer. It's some self confidence that you really need.

Good luck OP, you deserve to be happy and getting outside in the daylight and fresh air will help.

If I saw you out and about I assure you I would not think a single negative thought. I am being honest. I would wish you happiness and maybe at most, if I focused and saw you looked awkward, I would hope things felt easier in the future.

Felt like you 6 years ago. Also PCoS . Tried every diet blah blah blah. Also hid inside because embarrassed to go out. So much so that my VitD levels were chronically low.

One day I just decided to do something about it. Lost my 40s hiding away. Not prepared to waste anymore time. Went to the GP and asked to be placed on the Tier 4 Bariatric pathway. Took 12 months of counselling/workshops before put forward for Bariatric surgery.

I had a gastric sleeve. (My issue was portions not poor diet choices. If sugar is your thing then Gastric Bypass is better for you)

Haven't looked back. Was pre diabetic. (No more) Blood pressure pills (no more) regular cortisone injections in my knees made painful carrying the weight. (No more required) ... best of all . I don't hide anymore.

I'm not stick thin. Was 19:10 now 13 stone. 5'8. It's not for everyone but my God it changed and saved my life.
NHS also provide. 2 year follow up.

Of course if you have the money you can go faster privately. What ever you do . Don't have a band. The NHS rarely uses them now. They are just not as good as the sleeve/bypass.

@ZeroCaffeine

Well he’s not wrong is he? If you’re unhappy with your weight, your options are either continue to be unhappy or do something about it 🤷🏽‍♀️

This ^^

If you can't make peace with your weight and you don't lose the weight, you'll always be unhappy and finding ways to be annoyed at your husband will never change that.

You’ll be surprised about how many people would have been worrying about the way they look instead of noticing flaws of people around them.
I hope you managed to enjoy your day with your husband 💐

You're the same size as me. I know how you feel, I hate my appearance but you aren't too fat to go out. As long as you can fit out the door, there's no such thing.

Tbf to your DH, he is right. There's no use moaning about something but doing nothing to change it. I choose to eat shit and not exercise enough so I don't moan to other people about how I feel ugly and like everyone is laughing at me.

everyone is only really interested in how they look themselves, nobody is looking at you and thinking long and hard about it. Trust me. You are not enormous and you are tall and truth is, only you can change how you feel/look. Maybe he said it out of frustration for you, but don't look for input from anyone else. Start small changes, a marathon not a race. Be nicer to yourself. Weight has no bearing on how interesting, kind, charismatic a soul a human is. You can change weight, it's harder to change these things. Give yourself a break.

@Applecottage1234

Ah, the joys of PCOS. I've got it (and an underactive thyroid). Have the doctors given you anything for the insulin resistance? I'm on Metformin for it (and levothyroxine for the thyroid) - I still have to watch what I eat, as it's still very easy for me to gain weight, but it's no longer *impossible to lose weight.

(*For people who say, "Just burn off more than you consume" - it's not always that easy. Before I was diagnosed I started calorie counting, and I was dropping to 1000 a day with no joy. The only time I lost weight pre-meds was when I developed an eating disorder).