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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ‘just texting’

515 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 15:56

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/04/2022 09:00

OP, affairs have nothing to do with looks. Don't question yourself.
It wouldn't make it right even if she was more beautiful than you. The main point is the betrayal and lack of care for your emotions and the investment you've put into your family.

Celendine · 18/04/2022 09:01

Sorry you're going through this OP. He's shakened your relationship and I for one believe he needs to go with you to marriage counselling . He's done this and it needs to be put out in a safe place where you can both talk to a trained person. Don't let him brush this under the carpet, because the bump will still be there and corrode your otherwise good relationship. Good luck

kaleidoscope123 · 18/04/2022 09:04

I’m not so sure about others comments but in order for me to contemplate being intimate again with my husband I would want to know the extent of the details they discussed and how far it actually went. I would also go and get an STI test just to be sure.

If you aren’t able to be intimate with him then but get back together then he is likely to look elsewhere and probably quite quickly, he will just be more sneaky in the way that he does that.

How did look when he left? Was he a broken man? Has he cancelled club membership and won’t go again?

Fraaahnces · 18/04/2022 09:05

Has he acknowledged that he was sidelining his own kids at a family day to be with her? That’s cheating on them as well as you.

Fraaahnces · 18/04/2022 09:05

Yes… has he offered to ditch the club of his own volition?

Daleksatemyshed · 18/04/2022 09:35

You come across in your posts Op as an insightful and sensible person and you nailed it in one of your earlier posts. The OW looked up to your DH and he lapped it up, the ego boost, the having an extra secret something . Online isn't real life so he could say it's not cheating, you'd never know, he wouldn't let it go too far, what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you.
Trouble is now you do know and suddenly it's very real. He knows it was wrong or you wouldn't have to drag the details out of him but he's still shocked you'd make him leave. Men can be very black and white about cheating, sex cheating, everything else not so he didn't see this happening.
Question is, now you will never know how far this affair would have gone, will be able to forgive even if you don't forget,?

stayathomegardener · 18/04/2022 09:43

I'd make full disclosure of their deleted messages the deal breaker to trying again which realistically it is.

You can only decide to go forward fully informed, the what ifs would break the relationship down the line anyway , so much worse then for the children.

edenhills · 18/04/2022 09:44

To me this would be the same as if it had got physical. I wouldn't necessarily leave my husband over one mistake. BUT he would first have to fully acknowledge what he has done without minimising and truly regret it. And he would have to do everything in him power to make things right. Starting with leaving the club/hobby without prompting and making other changes to his life so they would never see eachother again.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 18/04/2022 09:48

Ditching the club hasn’t even come up. I think it’s so soon for that, and also I have pretty much said, I have no idea whether I can or even want to forgive this. So there hasn’t been a lot of discussion about what it would look like if he stayed. None, really.

OP posts:
Aliceforgot · 18/04/2022 10:01

OP, you are so brave and insightful and I really admire how you have handled this in such a short space of time. I don't know if I could come back from this either. Being honest, I would want to because I love my husband and know that fancying other people is not uncommon. But your DH has been stupid enough to let his silly crush get to messaging stage and I would find it hard to get past the cuddles bit, and the fact that there was no sign of him trying to stop it, and that he was going to take your kids to the club having just messaged her knowing she was there, like they were a prop. Sorry, but that's how it looks to me. He should have stopped the whole thing in its tracks before it started and avoided future contact. He's been an idiot.

So hard and I don't have any answers as it is your marriage, but a break apart for the moment sounds like a good thing so you can get your head together.

zingally · 18/04/2022 10:04

It's never "just texting".

kaleidoscope123 · 18/04/2022 10:12

I think if he hasn’t been begging and providing how he’d seek to fix this then haven’t you got your answer? He’s not even trying.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 18/04/2022 10:22

Stay strong!

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 18/04/2022 10:36

@kaleidoscope123 (and others who have experienced this I suppose) do you think that is necessarily the case? That if there hasn’t been crying and begging he’s not really looking to stay, deep down? He certainly has made clear that he wants to be with me, going forward. He seems quiet and upset. But, I asked him to leave and he is now gone, he was staying out of my way until he went, and he text this morning asking if it was ok to text me or if I needed the space, and I said, the space, please don’t be in touch right now.

OP posts:
MyEasterEggs · 18/04/2022 10:38

@PoleaxedAndSome

It’s almost a split way of looking at it- he is saying both that 1) he accepts if it was roles reversed he would consider it absolutely unacceptable and would not believe my version of events and 2) seems genuinely shocked that I have asked him to leave at least initially and that I am considering - very seriously - whether this is the end of our marriage.

When I found the first few relatively mild texts and he deleted all the evidence, I was crying and he came and put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged away and said ‘don’t touch me!’ And he said - with again apparent genuine surprise- ‘what do you mean don’t touch me?’.

It’s like trying to get a sensible answer at the mad hatters tea party. I cannot understand the sense of anything he has said or done.

He’s genuinely surprised that you have enough self respect to distance yourself from him after his reckless behaviour? No matter what you decide, he needs this wake up call OP. He’s clearly so up his own arse and in his own head (and pants!) that he believes there’s one rule for him and another for you. Sending you lots of love as you navigate the next few weeks and months. I really do feel for you 💛
Wtf2022 · 18/04/2022 10:45

No empathy.

Not a great trait in a life partner.

tintin13 · 18/04/2022 10:54

i had a big fight with my dh one day and was very upset with him and he slept on the couch. didn't talk to me or look at me even though he was at fault (no cheating).. then after 3 days he comes at me crying his eyes out telling me he has been crying every night at the thought he could lose me..
Men "suffer" differently and I think he is also very shocked.

If there might still be some love there..consider counselling.. live separately and slowly begin to date him again.. let him fight for you.

From my life experience i know that men are just very stupid.. I am talking about dad, grandad, guy friends, exes, husband etc.. Men function differently.. this is ofc no excuse.

I would probably forgive the mistake but i would not take him back. I would just try to do an awesome job at coparenting.

tintin13 · 18/04/2022 10:57

oh.. and kids adapt!
If u do leave.. try to still be friends with him. Kids need harmony between parents.
Best of luck OP

Notonthestairs · 18/04/2022 10:59

I think he's actually doing the right thing by respecting your need for space. He needs to reflect on how he's behaved and you need time to process.

You don't need more drama, your adrenaline levels must be sky high already.

Events shouldn't be brushed under the carpet but you also don't want to make decisions when you are exhausted and frightened.

kaleidoscope123 · 18/04/2022 12:52

That sounds more healthy. Sorry all I picked up on from previous posts is that he didn’t think it would lead to sex etc and downplaying it, we hadn’t heard much about his wider reaction and actions. I think he will be in shock and it’s good you are forcing him to realise what he has potentially lost. He does still seem to want you as he is doing everything you say, he isn’t gaslighting or blaming you etc.

I haven’t been through this, I’ve had some issues in the past with ex bfs when I was mid 20’s and still to this day I wonder how they could act the way they did (sexts and slagging me off) and I wasn’t able to trust them again after that. I can’t imagine what it’s like when it’s your husband.

I was just concerned from your initial post that you weren’t putting yourself first (with kids in mind still). You are doing really well and I’m pleased you’ve spoken to a friend too.

Fraaahnces · 18/04/2022 12:56

Don’t you think it’s ironic that he wants to TEXT you?

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 18/04/2022 15:18

Not really. I’m not sure I’m in a place to find anything ironic. But that aside we don’t generally call one another to make arrangements. It would generally be texts. And arrangements do still need to be made as we have children to consider.

I spoke to my mum today. I told her that he has moved out ‘indefinitely’. She was much more measured than I expected (she is very fiery) but I think this is because I didn’t tell her any details. Just said, I have no idea what is going to happen but for now, he’s gone. If there was every a chance of us staying together this is a risky strategy as she is very much a grudge holder. She is not stupid and probably already suspects something of this nature. But she is my childcare, and both her and my dad are very close to us both in terms of location and in relationship. I realised today that it ridiculous to think I can hide a lengthy period of separation from her while I try and make decisions. After a day or two she would be asking why he wasn’t going to collect the kids, after a week she would be wondering what the hell was happening. Jeez we are due to go on holiday abroad with them in 7 weeks or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 18/04/2022 15:18

WERE due I suppose.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/04/2022 19:54

Go on holiday without him. It's the lease you deserve!

And it might just help you make a decision - if you haven't before then.

kaleidoscope123 · 18/04/2022 20:28

Honesty is the best policy in these situations, he will need to get your trust and your parents trust back if you work things out.

I’m pleased you aren’t going through this alone. Take your time.