Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

[quote Feduphairymclary]@MJ123 as helpful as the posts saying it is never just texting, he will be making plans to meet with her if he hasn't already - it's an alternative view and perspective.[/quote]
And a tad insensitive, no?

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@SweetSakura to be honest I don't really care if he's lying. I'm not in love with him - I think of him as a friend who I have occasional smutty exchanges with. I know he does similar with at least one other woman because he's been open about it. I have no jealousy because I'm not in a relationship with him. Whilst we chat about our real lives, and may have some fondness for each other, it's not anything that threatens his relationship. Neither of us would be hurt if the smut ended tomorrow.

💐

it's not anything that threatens his relationship.

Bollocks.

I think it’s pretty clear that texting other women ruins relationships, from my earlier posts. I don’t know if I will go, or stay. But if I stay, it will most certainly be damaged beyond recognition. I don’t blame this other woman in my situation- it’s not an admirable way to behave sure, but she owes me nothing. She’s not married. Her and my husbands actions have most certainly ruined my relationship, though.

I do believe him that his relationship is sexless - he has nothing to gain from lying as we both know this is not a flirtation that will end in a physical relationship of any kind.

Of course he does. Wank fodder. Like porn basically.

He's telling you what he thinks will make you paint your behaviour as acceptable.

And you're falling for it. Tale as old as time. Always depressing, always cringe.

@PoleaxedAndSome If I could just get my head around the upset to my kids, and the impact on my time with them

When I split from my ex husband my DD was 15, she was really upset to start with but within a very short time she was completely fine with it.
What helped was her having all her creature comforts in both houses so the contents of both bedrooms was near identical, just with different decor.

Her friends were all jealous she had 2 bedrooms decorated differently abd wished their parents would split up too🙄
Teenage girls can't see much past their own little bubble, my DD cared most about having 2 lots of presents on birthdays and christmases and having 2 christmas dinners😂

Unusually my DD spent weekdays with her Dad and weekends with me. Her Dad moved to a house 5 mins from her school (where he also worked) whereas I lived 25 mins away so it made sense.
It was hard to get my head round to start with but worked perfectly. I saw her every Weds evening at his house and then picked her up on a Friday after school and had her until Sunday evening.

A year after we'd split my DD told me she wished we'd split earlier because she knew we often rowed and sometimes we all walked on eggshells. At this point she didn't know the reason for our split.

The main thing to keep children happy is that both parents get along (even if only surface), no on is horrible about the other and the whole situation is discussed positively.
We still did Christmas together for the first few years as that is what DD wanted (even though she was 15) but this stopped after he went psycho and stalked/harassed me (but that's another story).

I know its hard vut with your spare time you'll be able to carve out a new type of life where you are not just mum or a wife.
Its very freeing.

@Feduphairymclary You disgust me, I don't care if you haven't had sex in 5 years - that's a pathetic excuse.

Why would you get involved with a married man?
Where are your morals?

I'm pretty chill about dp texting women, but that's probably because the only ones he does text are his mum, sister and our mutual friends. I would be pissed off if he was texting women that they look 🔥. The only time that would be acceptable to me is if it was a joke. Like when our friend sends a really awful picture to the group chat or something.

Texting can last for ages before it becomes physical. Texting is easy, finding the means and opportunity to have a physical affair often less so. Plus, unless they couldn't care less if they lose their marriage, most married people have some hesitation about launching into immediate affairs with the first person who takes their fancy. Generally there's a fair bit if angsting and faffery, and kidding themselves texting isn't wrong, before they take the plunge.
However, even if the texting is all that's happened, it's likely only because you've caught it early. Had you not it would most probably have progressed.
And an affair or betrayal is not a mid life crisis. Some people (most?) go through a period where they struggle to adapt to getting older. Some people cheat on their partners. The two things are entirely different, its just in some people they happen at the same time.

I do believe him that his relationship is sexless - he has nothing to gain from lying as we both know this is not a flirtation that will end in a physical relationship of any kind

WRONG! Amusingly naive too. He is telling you what you want to hear about it because there’s always a chance he will fly over and get sex. Of course his marriage won’t be sexless and I don’t understand why women fall for this shit.

OP, I don’t doubt you’re better than her! Unfortunately his stupid decision is no reflection on you; its not about her, it could be anyone. He wanted a bit of a flirtation, an ego stroke (which could have progressed, yes); and she was there. It actually makes me furious what men are willing to risk for, essentially, nothing

@Maybebabyno2 I wasn’t fine with ‘you look 🔥’. I was much less fine when he eventually admitted that it was also discussion of sexual desires/tastes, and probably least fine of all with the messages talking about wanting to cuddle up.

@5128gap I believe it would have progressed. This is a person he knows in real life, outside of Instagram. I caught him during the build up, is all. (Assuming that it hasn’t actually gone even further than I know). He has indirectly admitted as much by saying things like ‘I wasn’t necessarily thinking it would end in sex’ and ‘I really think I would have lost my bottle before actually doing it’. He had sex with another woman in mind as an end result whether he got there or not.

Indeed, OP. My relationship became sexless after his EA because I never knew if DP was thinking about OW. He told me they had discussed having an affair, but decided not to because of the children. Not because of their respective partners. Unfaithful in his head.

He sounds like an utter shit. You are doing the right things.

I can’t believe he’s told you that it’s ok because he would have bottled it anyway, just unbelievable. As if that excuses any of his behaviour.

Hey OP you deserve better, way better ! He’s had his head turned. He’s been flattered it’s pathetic some men can’t help themselves even though their wife is more attractive etc . It’s something different, I learnt that many years ago. I know your children and time away from them is the sticking point but think long and hard ...if you hadn’t caught him this would’ve gone further ...one day you may look back on this with relief but not right now ...

It’s almost a split way of looking at it- he is saying both that 1) he accepts if it was roles reversed he would consider it absolutely unacceptable and would not believe my version of events and 2) seems genuinely shocked that I have asked him to leave at least initially and that I am considering - very seriously - whether this is the end of our marriage.

When I found the first few relatively mild texts and he deleted all the evidence, I was crying and he came and put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged away and said ‘don’t touch me!’ And he said - with again apparent genuine surprise- ‘what do you mean don’t touch me?’.

It’s like trying to get a sensible answer at the mad hatters tea party. I cannot understand the sense of anything he has said or done.

Still thinking of you @PoleaxedAndSome You are being incredibly strong (even if you don’t think you are). I hope you are surrounded by some trusting people today so you are reminded you are loved (it’s good to sneak off and have a cry too if you need it). It’s okay not to know what is going to happen. You don’t need to know everything right now, you just space to breathe and feel.

It is often when we are in the most difficult chapters in our life that our hero is revealed. We usually save that title for others in our life until life decides to sucker punch in the gut. And it’s when you’re laying in the misery that you figure it out, you have the strength to save yourself. You are the hero you need.

Please feel free to reach out if you need to

And to the PP who are being so kind and reassuring me it’s not that she’s better it’s just that she’s different. I do know this. (I mean, that it’s the different that has been the big pull here). I think I said in one of my earlier posts, im a confident person. He is a little older than me, I am not yet 40, slim, objectively quite attractive, intelligent, social….. I am not now sitting with my self esteem destroyed. I am if anything just more confused!!!

I’ve considered a lot overnight whether this was a really, a way out for him, given that there has been a difficult patch within the last couple of years. But, as he was messaging her he was sending me hotel suggestions and detailed planned itinerary ideas for a big trip we were planning on taking the kids on early next year. How on earth do you figure out what’s the truth, what’s been real and what’s been fake?

He says (obviously) that our life was the real bit and he meant all of it. That he simply got caught up in the buzz of this ‘affair’ and did not give the consequences or the end result a single thought. But this can’t be true, at least not entirely.

I guess he wanted to have his cake and eat it? He wanted to stay with you and have the thrill of someone new.

I'm not sure either is fake. Obviously one element - you and the children - is more valuable. But it doesn't make the texting fake. He just chose to indulge that side of himself that wanted more attention.

And I suspect consequences really didn't cross his mind because you were never going to find out. Besides which he will have told himself it was just a bit of fun.

I think trying to ascertain how far it's gone is probably a red herring tbh. You will never know unless he chooses to tell you, and speculation will drive you mad.
You need to consider where you are now, in the light of what you do know. Can you live with a partner who has instigated intimacy elsewhere? What are the benefits of remaining in your marriage, and are they sufficient that you could try to overcome this?
They're big questions and very difficult to answer in the first wave of emotion, and with the distraction of the other party around you. The answers can also change with time, so there's no need to see anything as a definitive decision right now. Personally I think you need time away from him to reflect if at all possible.
As for your self esteem, truly, his behaviour and your level of attractiveness are not connected. You only need to consider the number of beautiful high profile people whose partners cheat, and conversely the number of far less attractive people with faithful partners to know that.

Do you think that it's possible this 'affair' was just a massive flirt that got carried away ? That he didn't really think it through to the inevitable consequences ?

I have no advice except that I would agree with your line about being 'prepared to put up with an awful lot for you 100% of my children.

I also do not subscribe to 'once a cheat always a cheat' . I am a believer in people learning from their mistakes.

That said. There is no 'right' decision in this. Beware of MN narratives though. Very biased towards LTB with very little acknowledgement that it's not some land of rainbows and unicorns . (Unless you come from abuse of course ) Little realisation of the real life long term realities of that decision. Shared care , reduced finances, poor relationships, unsettled kids.
On the other hand. there is a lot to be said for sticking to your principles. For showing your girls what is acceptable. Where your line is.

Neither decision is right or wrong - in many ways staying is the hardest . Good luck.