Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

So my experience was... I found something and exdp immediately deleted everything. I then locked myself away with his phone a few days later and went into app store and redownloaded apps reset passwords etc and found a whole lot more. I am convinced he has only admitted to what I have physically found evidence of. I'm sure there so much more.

Your DP deleted the texts. I'd say there's more and you may never know just what that is.

[quote PoleaxedAndSome]@kaleidoscope123 (and others who have experienced this I suppose) do you think that is necessarily the case? That if there hasn’t been crying and begging he’s not really looking to stay, deep down? He certainly has made clear that he wants to be with me, going forward. He seems quiet and upset. But, I asked him to leave and he is now gone, he was staying out of my way until he went, and he text this morning asking if it was ok to text me or if I needed the space, and I said, the space, please don’t be in touch right now.[/quote]
I got an apology (when I pressed for it) but my exdp also went quite easily. Initially he said it was because I had obviously made my decision... now he says it was because he was so unhappy. He wasn't unhappy. He just wasn't a family man and should have stayed single. Ugh.

The lack of fight from him has been the hardest to get past... that he threw me away along with our kids like rubbish without a care in the world. I actually told my mum as soon as I had made the decision to end the relationship(4.30am call)- ironically I didn't want to be swayed by apologies etc. I knew telling my parents would mean I could not go back really. Turns out I never got the apologies and begging me to stay!!

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Telling your Mum sounds like a good call on many levels OP - some support will be really helpful.

Hope you're doing okay

When my ex had all his emotional affairs and was confronted, he would stonewall me completely.
Apart from threatening suicide he did not beg or say anything to try to appease the situation. Really he didn't try at all.

Once a month had passed and it was all swept under the carpet it was forgotten about.

The next time he was caught he would deflect from the new emotional affair by admitting the last one and then stonewalling me over the new one.

I don't know if men react differently or whether they are worried about discussing it lest they admit sonething they shouldn't or whether they think their partner will 'just get over it' so are waiting for the 'drama' to pass.

I’m so sorry that so many other people have been through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I’m so pleased that you have told your mum as well. All too often on these boards I read about women who for some reason carry the burden of the shame of the behaviour of these men and keep their secrets to protect their social reputation. It’s not fair at all. They end up with no support and the men carry on with no consequences while the women flounder. I’m proud of you.

You've done all the right things.

It's frustrating that he appears to be surprised how upset you are. Doesn't seem to have considered that he's broken your trust. If you are to trust him again he's going to have to acknowledge and understand this. Does he realise this is why he's had to go? Because you don't believe nothing happened.

Its possible he's surprised because he genuinely wasn't going to have a physical affair. Was just getting some kicks for a buzz. Attention. Not an attractive trait in a man... thick and insensitive.

But I understand that ending your relationship is a big decision. As someone who shares parenting, it brings its own challenges.

None of its great...

@GabriellaMontez

You've done all the right things.

It's frustrating that he appears to be surprised how upset you are. Doesn't seem to have considered that he's broken your trust. If you are to trust him again he's going to have to acknowledge and understand this. Does he realise this is why he's had to go? Because you don't believe nothing happened.

Its possible he's surprised because he genuinely wasn't going to have a physical affair. Was just getting some kicks for a buzz. Attention. Not an attractive trait in a man... thick and insensitive.

But I understand that ending your relationship is a big decision. As someone who shares parenting, it brings its own challenges.

None of its great...

More like he's surprised because he's held off from a physical affair (aka no opportunity yet) and thinks he's entitled to a round of applause for his restraint. He's probably feeling very hard done to to be hung for the lamb.

@RoyKentsChestHair

What the fuck is wrong with men? So sick of these twats, blowing up their families for a cheap thrill. Tell him to grow the fuck up or get out. Dick head. I’m sorry, you must be heartbroken but I’m just so disillusioned with them all it’s easier to be single

This!!! What the hell is wrong with these types to cause so much pain and the skanks who are part of it! Whatever happened to the girl code?????

It’s the fact he knew her and was going to meet her at the club! I’d be tempted (when you’ve gained more strength) to turn up at this club and demand answers. The more people brush these things under the carpet the more everyone seems to think it’s ok to chat to other people online. Morals don’t seem to stop people these days!

I don’t think I would turn up somewhere to confront her. I would like to come out of this and look back and know that I was as dignified as possible. Also - much as I want to know the full truth.. does it really matter, whether it ever became physical? It certainly had the potential to, and it only stopped because I uncovered it accidentally. I think - for me at least- that this is one of those occasions where the attempt is almost if not as bad as the completed crime. The intent was there to carry it out to its conclusion. Sex or no sex, he has actively sought out emotional and sexual intimacy outside our marriage.

He certainly seems to think ‘he didn’t actually DO anything’ but it is not how I feel. And it’s most certainly not what either of us understood fidelity to mean so he’s kidding himself on.

No it's never just texting my partner got caught doing this and then just went on to do it again and again with different women in fact he even started messaging people off my Instagram and fb! He destroyed whatever self esteem I had left.

@PoleaxedAndSome

He certainly seems to think ‘he didn’t actually DO anything’ but it is not how I feel. And it’s most certainly not what either of us understood fidelity to mean so he’s kidding himself on.

This is the problem isn't it. He'll only admit to what you can prove. He's already lied numerous times. You can't trust him. You need to decide whether you can be with somebody you can't trust and I think the only way to do that is to assume the worst has happened.

I knew this would hurt but I couldn’t resist. I went googling. I found her, I found her boyfriend. He only bloody looks like my husband. I found her personal Instagram (rather than the one she was using to message) and she shares all these interests with my husband.

No wonder things developed so fast. This isn’t just sex, is it? Or the promise of sex. They liked each other.

Every time I think I cannot find something about it more painful, I do.

@PoleaxedAndSome

I knew this would hurt but I couldn’t resist. I went googling. I found her, I found her boyfriend. He only bloody looks like my husband. I found her personal Instagram (rather than the one she was using to message) and she shares all these interests with my husband.

No wonder things developed so fast. This isn’t just sex, is it? Or the promise of sex. They liked each other.

Every time I think I cannot find something about it more painful, I do.

It's awful. What you are going through is shit. There is no sugar coating it. Everytime I found something new it reinforced that it was just the tip of the iceberg.

Could you sit down together and explain to him you're at a cross roads. You need him to be honest for there ever to be a chance of moving forward. He needs to show you everything and be an open book. Promise him no judgement if that what it takes to get the truth then make your decisions. It's gross but its like lancing a boil..you'll never heal without knowing all of it and making an informed decision about whether you can trust him again.

Why has she got two Instagram accounts? Is one related to the club? Is he following her personal account or liked any of her photographs? Do you also know what photo he was referring to with the 🔥, did she put a photo on her personal or other account that morning? I would personally want to know the details of what he was upto to be able to just get everything out in one go to process.

Have you heard from him at all today? I know you said no contact but I wondered if he’d been trying to communicated about the kids or something?

Also I wouldn’t read too much into that, opposites attract just as much as people with the same interests. I imagine any attraction to her is she’s care free with no kids so she can enjoy all these hobbies and interests. No responsibility = fun and light hearted chat. It’s not real life as she’s at a different stage of her life. At the moment he knows nothing about her personality (other than texts) and it’s all a dream state.

I am sur she will wake up and realise what he has lost and if not you’ve had a lucky escape. He’ll not be any happier with anyone else for any meaningful length of time if he needs to escape reality.

I don’t know (about the dual profiles). She is younger than us, like I say I’m not yet 40 but I’m definitely not proper insta generation in the way folks in the generation behind me seem to be. It’s definitely the same person - same photo, distinctive spelling of a name, same location. I think it’s maybe not so unusual to have more than one account if insta is your thing. For example someone I know has one that’s ‘theirs’ and one for a house renovation they are doing. The first one I found, the one she’s been messaging him on seems almost more…. Artsy.. if that makes sense. Than personal. The other is all her, her friends, her family, nights out, holidays. Her real life.

No I can’t see that he’s ‘liked’ any of her personal insta posts. Of course I went through the whole phone once all the drip feed of admissions started and couldn’t see anything else suspicious at all, to or from any account, but by then he’d had the best part of a day to get rid of anything he wanted gone.

He has been in touch. About the kids, and I answered about the kids and made the mistake of tagging on kind of a general ‘why the fuck have you done this’ at the end. Not mad, more sad.

I got a lengthy thing back. It swayed me for about an hour. Now I’m back to devastated.

Who even knows what’s true. Certainly I don’t know if he does. He’s talking the talk but no happy person who truly loves their spouse would do what he’s done and risked what he’s risked.

@kaleidoscope123 I don’t even know if I WANT him back to his senses. I don’t know if I want to attempt to forgive him never mind whether I can or not.

What a fucking waste of a marriage.

Thank you again to everyone letting me ramble and rage on here. It feels a bit like screaming into the void and I can’t believe how much it’s keeping me going.

I’m so sorry for you.
It’s almost worse that he seems so apologetic as it must be swaying you to feel sorry for him almost.
What is your heart telling you to do?

Has he offered any actual solutions? Going no contact with her, stopping the club, counseling? That would be my next question.

@PoleaxedAndSome

Who even knows what’s true. Certainly I don’t know if he does. He’s talking the talk but no happy person who truly loves their spouse would do what he’s done and risked what he’s risked.

@kaleidoscope123 I don’t even know if I WANT him back to his senses. I don’t know if I want to attempt to forgive him never mind whether I can or not.

What stands out to me about his message is that it's all about him. "Think how you're feeling and I'm feeling worse"?? Seriously? 🙄

I'm so sorry you're going through this. x

It’s such a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. Been there and was left with a 1, 3 and 5 year old. Pretty much the same situation in that he took my youngest to meet the other woman. Also think I might have caught it before it became physical but in time looking back so many other situations began to make sense.

It is daunting and I probably would have stuck it out for the kids sake but that option was also taken out of my hands and I am so glad for it. It isn’t always easy being a single mum but it’s better that and to have an opportunity to meet someone who’s makes you their number 1.

In time you might be surprised at how you cope with time away from the children and they will grow up knowing no different if you do decide to separate. Also don’t always believe things will be amicable, I thought my ex idolised me and the children and although he has them, things become very different when emotions are heightened. I don’t even recognise him as a person anymore. You need to think about what you want right in this moment without the what if thoughts or considerations to how other people will react.