Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

@Wordsofthewise what an incredibly kind message. Thank you.

I am trying to have a nice day with the kids but I keep thinking of all the possible ways he has been with her (physically or mentally). As I wrote my update saying how I had been away for a weekend I thought… was she here? Did he want to ask her here? Do I even want to ask him and find out? Isn’t that cowardly x

It’s hard OP— when I first found this pile of stuff relating to OPs infatuation /emotional affair(I don’t know it wasn’t more, but that’s what he confessed to) my mind was constantly going backwards and forwards trying to piece together any clues/weird behaviour— I was like a woman possessed— pulled out all the phone bills from that time as I still had them , was aghast at the sheer amount of texting I hadn’t noticed at the time. This gradually did ease off after about a year— but the 100% trust never really came back. Those who can totally overcome betrayal, good on them but I think it takes a very honest and upfront partner prepared to discuss it. My H just wanted it swept under the carpet after a couple of weeks because mentioning it ‘upset him’ and he felt ‘embarrassed’ . That’s why I think you need a good bit of space for a few months!

Betrayal. Not even a doubt in my opinion.

@PoleaxedAndSome

I am trying to have a nice day with the kids but I keep thinking of all the possible ways he has been with her (physically or mentally). As I wrote my update saying how I had been away for a weekend I thought… was she here? Did he want to ask her here? Do I even want to ask him and find out? Isn’t that cowardly x

You need to find out in order to truly process otherwise it will drive you mad analysing all the scenarios. If they are still on insta and haven’t shifted to whatsapp or real messages then I think that’s a positive in that unlikely to have moved into speaking on the phone or him risking having her round your house(you could ask your neighbours just to be sure?!).

The only way you will find out the truth is via those insta messages. I would be focusing my effort on getting those.

I’m clearly more of a fruitloop but if it was my hubby I would have confiscated his phone and I’d be messaging that girl pretending to be her and also doing a thorough snoop of his phone for any other evidence - photographs they’d sent each other etc. unfortunately as time goes by he’s had time to delete things which is why he was probably up all last night!!

Another cheating wanker. So sorry OP. Been there done it. Don't be so sure he won't fuck you over finances. Mine did.

I am so sorry. I have been in this situation. My husband had always seemed so trustworthy and kind. We had a great sex life. Before I found the messages,I couldn’t have imagined him doing anything like this. He also quickly deleted the messages, and only admitted to what he really had to, so I would never know the truth. At the time I too was 99% sure that “nothing physical” had happened. Later when I spoke to other people this has happened to, I realized that everyone is always 99% sure that “nothing physical” has happened! As to contemplate anything else is just to painful and too much at odds with the men we thought we knew.

I decided to stay…after all, I did believe he hadnt “physically” cheated on me. I didn’t want to break up the family unit over some “silliness” or infatuation. I told myself that he had been stupid or a fool, as this helped me to still believe he was the good guy. I would tell myself anything so that I didn’t have to face the torture that it was over. I told myself and others that I had forgiven him and had moved on. We did have some happy times. However, I never truly felt the same or entirely secure again.

We went to counseling, he gave me full access to his phone and appeared truly remorseful, told me he would never risk losing me again. Roll forward another couple of years to lockdown, he had to clear his desk and bring home all his stuff. I went through his bag and found his other phone. This time I could see messages to other women and that he had been meeting up. I left. I wish I had done it sooner and not put myself through the agony of those years.

The problem you have now is that, as someone said, he’s not “your” guy anymore and never will be. She was his waking thought.

You now know that he can forget about you and is willing to risk your relationship and children’s happiness if that’s what he feels like doing. He will say that he just didn’t think of the full consequences…but everyone knows the potential consequences of this behavior, he just chose not to let it stop him doing what he wanted. You now know that he is very capable of doing it again. Lying and cheating is not a red line for him. You deserve better.

Im so sorry for your pain op and all those here who have gone through this. Cheating is a form of abuse, and the lying and the gaslighting is psychological abuse.
I wish it seemed easy to say... Hey you guys sound like youre great parents with a. Strong relationship... But i think the more sage advice to take op is... Once a cheater, always a cheater. I left, i became a single parent, I've rebuilt my life, the kids are ok... Once they've crossed the line it serms few can resist crossing it again, no matter the harm and hurt their actions cause. So sorry op. Wishing you strength.

@Silversurfer101

He also quickly deleted the messages, and only admitted to what he really had to, so I would never know the truth. At the time I too was 99% sure that “nothing physical” had happened. Later when I spoke to other people this has happened to, I realized that everyone is always 99% sure that “nothing physical” has happened! As to contemplate anything else is just to painful and too much at odds with the men we thought we knew

This is so fucking tried. Depressing, but true. And for those of us who never find the second phone we will always wonder. Well done for being so strong and leaving.

@PoleaxedAndSome Yes, it most certainly did.

I'm embarrassed to say it wasn't the first time either.
The change in him was like night and day. He tried to lie and say she was just a friend and tried to guilt me accusing me of not wanting him to have any friends.
I finally saw one of their interactions in a fb group they belonged to talking about oral sex with each other. It was all online, but still.
Like a dummy, I forgave him and 2 years later, he really stuck the knife in good. I should have left him the first time.

I don't think there's any coming back from them testing the waters. I could compare it like having a car you love and are perfectly content with for years and then for whatever reason, you notice these other cars that might be better. At some point, that switch happens and you buy a newer car.

Its absolutely right that he goes so he has to face the music to someone about what he did. Reality is though, the relationship you two had was the best it had ever been...while he was mentally elsewhere. I couldnt forgive that. And you know deep down they are messaging now about where they stand. He is still thinking about him not you. I think even if you dont end it you have to play the game that you have and see what he does next. If he thinks it's just a 2 week break he will wait because family life is comfortable. If he thinks it's over he may panic and try to see where he stands with her or he might grovel. You wont know which way he will swing with a break.

I could not forgive or trust him knowing how happy he pretended to be whilst fantasizing about another life. That's the deal breaker.

"Do I even want to ask him and find out? Isn’t that cowardly x"

It's certainly not cowardly not to want to be hurt any further. I suspect at some point you may well want to know more but for now maybe you need to protect yourself and your sanity. He certainly can't be trusted to tell you the truth.

I hope you've had as good a day as possible in the circumstances.

And I hope he feels like shit. He's risked everything he has for an ego boost.

Thanks everyone for your support over today. I managed to go to a friends for an hour and have a chat and a cry. She was admirably neutral but when I said ‘what do I do?’ She asked/ what would you tell (A and B- the kids) to do if this was them? I laughed because she knows me well enough to know fine what is tell them. She said, well, you deserve whatever they deserve. Which is true but…. God it’s not that straightforward when it comes down to the wire is it?

He is leaving tonight after kids bedtime to stay elsewhere. We told the kids he is going to be away working (was not uncommon pre pandemic). My youngest cried because she doesn’t want to not see her daddy for a week. Which is a knife in the heart and has played Merry hell with the mum guilt.

What I would tell them, obviously. Banging headaches are no use for avoiding typos!!

It is very early days. You've had some genuinely shocking news, it will take time and space to work your way through your feelings.
There's no rush to decide anything. Definitely don't start thinking too far ahead.

But whatever happens your children will be ok. You are a good parent.

Oh gosh OP sorry to hear this. What a spineless toad, you must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. Is the other female married/kids? He’s been caught out...let him stew. I’d be furious that he planned to meet her with your children ..,selfish sod

No, she seems to be in a relationship but not married. No kids. She’s around 10 years younger than him, though not me. The ridiculous thing is she is not even more attractive than me. Why risk this all for something that isn’t better than what you have??

If I could just get my head around the upset to my kids, and the impact on my time with them that leaving him would have, I would be halfway to getting rid of his lying sneaking arse. I can cope with losing my beautiful house. I can cope with the loss of my financially secure future. But my kids are the sticking point.

I feel for you and I understand completely the impact on your kids. In my experience when the trust has gone it's gone.
I endured 8 years of pure torture because I chose to stay for the kids and in the end it broke us anyway. With hindsight I wish I'd had the strength to end it there and then.
Fast forward another 8 years and I have a wonderful new DH who accepts me and the DC are a package, and I wish I'd met him 20 years ago.
Stay strong and be true to yourself x

It’s a lot to take in. Just take it slow and get support around you..

I'll be castigated for this but I know it can be just texting. I've been texting a man for a few months who says he is in a completely sexless relationship. We flirt, sext and also talk about ordinary stuff like recipes, our childhoods, cars, films - I consider him an online FWB - we have never met and probably never will (he is British but lives in Luxembourg). However he freely admits his partner would be devastated if she found out, despite not wanting a sexual relationship with him.

I do believe him that his relationship is sexless - he has nothing to gain from lying as we both know this is not a flirtation that will end in a physical relationship of any kind. The terms of our friendship are that is purely a fantasy that he uses to simulate the sexual relationship he's not having, and I'm lonely and haven't had sex for over 5 years so it suits me to feel desired. He's a couple of years younger than me so it's flattering also.

So this sort of flirtation could be texting only. Is he using a different app to communicate (like Telegram, Signal or Kik instead of Whatsapp)? That could indicate regular chatting with women he's met online - I use Telegram for my off-Reddit chats with men because I don't want them to see my phone number.

@Feduphairymclary

I'll be castigated for this but I know it can be just texting. I've been texting a man for a few months who says he is in a completely sexless relationship. We flirt, sext and also talk about ordinary stuff like recipes, our childhoods, cars, films - I consider him an online FWB - we have never met and probably never will (he is British but lives in Luxembourg). However he freely admits his partner would be devastated if she found out, despite not wanting a sexual relationship with him.

I do believe him that his relationship is sexless - he has nothing to gain from lying as we both know this is not a flirtation that will end in a physical relationship of any kind. The terms of our friendship are that is purely a fantasy that he uses to simulate the sexual relationship he's not having, and I'm lonely and haven't had sex for over 5 years so it suits me to feel desired. He's a couple of years younger than me so it's flattering also.

So this sort of flirtation could be texting only. Is he using a different app to communicate (like Telegram, Signal or Kik instead of Whatsapp)? That could indicate regular chatting with women he's met online - I use Telegram for my off-Reddit chats with men because I don't want them to see my phone number.

Agree.

@Feduphairymclary

I'll be castigated for this but I know it can be just texting. I've been texting a man for a few months who says he is in a completely sexless relationship. We flirt, sext and also talk about ordinary stuff like recipes, our childhoods, cars, films - I consider him an online FWB - we have never met and probably never will (he is British but lives in Luxembourg). However he freely admits his partner would be devastated if she found out, despite not wanting a sexual relationship with him.

I do believe him that his relationship is sexless - he has nothing to gain from lying as we both know this is not a flirtation that will end in a physical relationship of any kind. The terms of our friendship are that is purely a fantasy that he uses to simulate the sexual relationship he's not having, and I'm lonely and haven't had sex for over 5 years so it suits me to feel desired. He's a couple of years younger than me so it's flattering also.

So this sort of flirtation could be texting only. Is he using a different app to communicate (like Telegram, Signal or Kik instead of Whatsapp)? That could indicate regular chatting with women he's met online - I use Telegram for my off-Reddit chats with men because I don't want them to see my phone number.

Do you think your post illustrating how both parties can indulge in sexual fantasies behind the wife's back despite knowing how devastated she would be, will be helpful to OP?

@PoleaxedAndSome

No, she seems to be in a relationship but not married. No kids. She’s around 10 years younger than him, though not me. The ridiculous thing is she is not even more attractive than me. Why risk this all for something that isn’t better than what you have??

If I could just get my head around the upset to my kids, and the impact on my time with them that leaving him would have, I would be halfway to getting rid of his lying sneaking arse. I can cope with losing my beautiful house. I can cope with the loss of my financially secure future. But my kids are the sticking point.

To be blunt because she’s new. She’s sexy and flirty and fun. It’ll all wear off.

@MJ123 as helpful as the posts saying it is never just texting, he will be making plans to meet with her if he hasn't already - it's an alternative view and perspective.

@Feduphairymclary he's almost certainly lying to you too. My 'D' h was messaging the (online) OW implying he had an awful, lonely sexless relationship- even when we were in the middle of lovely weekends away filled with sex and fun. Don't kid yourself that he is being any more honest with you than he is with her. I pointed this out to 'd'h. He was lying in both directions. He was treating us both like shit.