Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

What he did was make an emotional, romantic and sexual connection with someone who is not his committed partner. Then when he was caught out he lied. He knew he’d done wrong or he wouldn’t have lied. No he is saying it’s ok because he didn’t do something worse. You don’t get let off your GBH charge just because you didn’t commit murder! He cheated, maybe it could have been worse but it certainly doesn’t make what he actually did ok.

Oh guys, what a shit show. I was doing ok today and then at bedtime I just… couldn’t do
bedtime. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do the teeth and the tucking in and the stories. I started crying and couldn’t stop. Both my kids were crying because I was crying. I called my mum and I shit you not she must have done 160mph driving over and between us we’ve done bedtime. This is intolerable.

Having this thread is so good for my sanity right now. I am grateful to every one of you strangers writing back to me.

There is a quote I love for days like the one you are having.

’Life is tough. But so my darling are you’

You will know what is right for you ~ in time.

In the meantime you just get through the days.

Hang in there. You will figure this out.

I'm thinking of you lovely I discovered all my Hs obsession/crush (of 10 years previous) when he was away on a tour and kept it to myself for 6 weeks. Luckily my son had left home 4 months before. I regret not telling him to leave and giving it 3 months minimum . You need head space at the moment no matter how sorry he is sometimes sorry can't make it right sometimes 3 months space can give both parties a new perspective. Don't file for divorce at the moment see how you feel after some space See how he behaves and reacts . I wanted grovelling if I'm honest, I never really got it-- he wanted it swept under the carpet

@Rainyday4321 Beautiful quote

I haven't contributed on Mumsnet since I was pregnant with my second - he's nearly 10. Something about your post has really moved me to try and sign in again so I could send you words of sympathy and support. You come across like SUCH a lovely, warm person with wit and humour at your fingertips. I really really hate to read how your trusted man has turned your world upside down. It could be any of us. It's so unfair. I wish I could do anything to help. I am sending you strength and love. Be strong and know your worth. It is not ok to text other people and can't make that betrayal go away.

You've got a great Mum. I suspect that means you are also a great Mum.

Please don't beat yourself up. You are having a tough time. It's ok to feel wobbly. Just be as kind to yourself as you'd want for your friends. Your kids know that you love them.

One foot in front of the other for now. You will find the right path for you, you just need time.

Give him a chance OP

@LampLighter414 a chance to do what?

Is that you, DH? She may give him a chance but right now OP needs to look after herself!

He's been unfaithful.

Whether or not he has slept with her is immaterial, he has shown intent.

Your intent should now be to act as a single person.
Stop having sex, stop washing, cleaning, ironing, helping his life run smoothly.

He has actively harmed your life and your mental health by hurting you badly. I would do the same to him.

Anything you can possibly do to harm his mental health, proceed without mercy.

Best of luck.
And if she has a partner, tell him.

He seems almost… outraged… not quite the right word but I’m too tired to think of a better one that he should be kicked out permanently for something so… ‘minor’.

Of course he does.
He fully expected that his "remorse" would equal your instant forgiveness.

Hence ramping it up by mithering you at handover (hey - boundaries, arsehole!) & giving you the not-so-veiled Suicide Script.

His outrage is probably more about how he;s getting all this flack from his over-reacting wife without even getting his leg fully over ... how very dare you catch him out before he could take the kids along to meet daddy's new friend get shagging.

I agree with @LampLighter414 .
On mumsnet at the moment is a mum whose husband punched her in a drunken rage. She says they "are fine now" and posters are being supported. Over in parenting is a dad who slaps his son at bedtime - posters have been largely offering tips rather than condemning.

What your husband did was bad. But it's possible to forgive and move on if the relationship was once good.

I had an affair, op. It was quite a few years ago now. I regretted it, a lot. My dh was devastated and so was I. But I've slowly but surely regained his trust and we are stronger than ever now and then we ttc and now have dd. I don't think I'll ever do it again, it was so traumatic. And for me it wasn't "just texting". I wanted to split up because I couldn't forgive myself but my dh said, I know we're right together, we can get past this eventually.

He bought a book about recovering a relationship after an affair (I can go find it and tell you what it's called if you're interested). It said regaining trust is like carrying a huge boulder up the stairs. I let it slip sometimes and had to carry it up again slowly. But we got there and I'm so happy we did.

The media sells this "happy ever after" trope and mumsnet often shouts LTB if a dh is less than perfect. I've seen enough of other relationships to feel this is naive (in my own opinion). I do have a no tolerance policy to violence of any kind, either to me or my child (which it seems many mumsnetters are willing to condone, see my point above). But affairs can be got over. It's hard but can be done if you want to.

That should say posters are being supportive (of the dv victim who stayed with her husband). (I wouldn't support that)

I've reread my post above and it's in a rambling order lol... what I meant was, I disagree with how mumsnet sometimes condones dv or slapping kids but advocates no tolerance towards affairs, especially non-physical affairs as this was.

Then I went on to tell you my story and say there is a way to move on and heal from this. Your dh was really lucky you saw that message and stopped him in his tracks.

Only you know if he's genuinely remorseful. Even if you go down the reconciliation route you won't trust him straightaway - he'll need to re-earn that trust gradually- but that's a normal part of reconciliation, not a reason not to start, if you want to.

I’m really sorry that this has happened to you OP. My DH cheated on me (but it definitely went the full way, they had a secret holiday together and she wasn’t the first). He went through all these stages - lying, minimising, denial, outrage, remorse, blame shifting and eventually full and proper utter contriteness - years later he occasionally calls me in tears, wanting to be back together. His offence was unforgivable, we didn’t have kids so I was very much free to move on without impacting anyone’s life or a family I had built, and it was also very early stages in the marriage so it was easy for me to move on when he proved himself unsuitable.

Your situation is different and your DH has committed a much lesser offence. I think you and your DH do have a chance. However, I think you really need to let him stew.

Don’t let him back during this denial phase he is in. Wait until he is well and truly, properly remorseful and also really scared that he might actually lose you. And then come to a decision to take him back (if you choose) in your own time, work properly together to rebuild trust etc.

I think you need a clean break if you want a fresh start together and a hope of healing and having a happy life with forgiveness and hopefully almost forgetting of this eventually. People and relationships can recover from affairs.

"I will never know the extent of what’s going on. "
I don't understand why you are insisting that he shows you all the messages. You keep referring to it, but surely they all could've been re-installed by now.

Aren't insisting, sorry, wrong word. I would want to see all messages. Or can you don't bare to look, maybe ding actually want to know?

@Oblomov22 i have. He did the download thing from insta to retrieve old conversations including deleted data. He sent me the file. This is how I can see that he had also looked up his ex partners insta page the same morning as he had searched for this woman’s insta. Search/started entering her name and it pulled up/whatever. But she doesn’t (in the file) show up on his list of chats. There are other chat folders but even those when I click on the name, it doesn’t open. So I seem to have pages and pages of his ‘activity’ on insta but none of his messages which is where it all was.

the only way I knew to get them was by following the internet guide of how to. I just don’t have the tech know how to try something else now that this hasn’t worked. And I don’t have his phone (as he isn’t staying here).

i don’t know whether that means he’s interfered with the Download, whether it’s genuinely not worked, whether she doesn’t show up in his list or folders because not only has he deleted the convo, she seems to have blocked him now. (Note- I asked this yesterday when it occurred to me that I’d be interested to know her attitude to this continuing. He tried to access her page and found he is blocked. This tells me that he did not actually pro actively block her which isn’t great, in my opinion).

Further- his sibling unlike me is very good with tech. It’s their job and they do well out of it. He says he has told sibling what he’s done. There has been no offer to get sibling to have a bash at getting it back.

I'm so sorry this has happened 💐

[quote PoleaxedAndSome]Oh guys, what a shit show. I was doing ok today and then at bedtime I just… couldn’t do
bedtime. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do the teeth and the tucking in and the stories. I started crying and couldn’t stop. Both my kids were crying because I was crying. I called my mum and I shit you not she must have done 160mph driving over and between us we’ve done bedtime. This is intolerable. [/quote]@poleaxedandsome please don't be so hard on yourself! 8months later and I'm still ringing my parents when bedtimes are tough! Sometimes you just need another adult to support you.

You're doing a good job. Life is in turmoil right now and it impacts everything. Take each day an hr at a time. You don't need to make major decisions right this second. Today dp isn't living with you, you need to get the kids ready, do breakfast, lunch and tea and bedtime. What else is on today's list? I need to do ironing but I'm also planning on putting baby in his pram and doing some gardening. I know you're thinking... my life has been obliterated overnight I can't think of anything else... but you have to. I hate this saying but its true... fake it until you make it.

If he threatens suicide again, or gives the impression that he is even vaguely suicidal in an effort to blameshift again, (a VERY common tactic, btw…) advice on here is to call the police and request that they do a welfare check. That nips that kind of behaviour in the bud, and leaves a record of manipulative behaviour if you need it later, @PoleaxedAndSome

I think he needs to show responsibility and a willingness for complete and utter transparency before you even contemplate continuing the relationship. Both in terms of making an active effort to retrieve messages/honesty about the content, along with communicating his reasons behind looking up his ex and pursuing this other woman. People who are content in their current relationship don't do things like this and it must be so devastating that he was up to all these things while you were making such an effort and thought things were getting better. I think this is one of the nuances that he's really not understanding when he claims that he "didn't do anything". There may not have been intercourse with her but emotionally he was completely checking out on you, and I think in a way that's far more hurtful than a sexual fling.

All he seems to have shown so far is a tendency to lie until he's pushed into a corner. Obviously the intimate interactions with another woman themselves were awful, but I think his emotional immaturity and continued attempts at deceit in the aftermath have been equally as devastating. I think I would really question whether I wanted to be with someone like that.

I'm so sorry he's put you through this, he's acting like such a prick. x

When is it going to be all about you OP? Rather his feelings, or using the children as emotional blackmail. He might get there eventually, but he's not doing great just now as you tell it.